stella27

Please help me figure this out.

STBXAH is bi-polar and had a bad episode over the weekend. he seems stable now and I have told him and his parents that all visits will be supervised until psychiatrist reports that he is fine.

Talked to MIL today on the phone and asked about H's visit yesterday with psychiatrist. She said she doesn't know how it went because it's none of her business.

When I say that "Well, it matters to me because you (MIL) are supervising visits until further notice" she acts all put-out.

I just read a sticky about saying things ONE time. I keep thinking that I will snap her out of her denial (my son is really doing better and is all but fine right now and you, DIL, are being unreasonable AND insulting my family with your "safety measures").

WHY, WHY, WHY do I need her to validate me and my concerns?

How can I control the meddling part of me who wants to discuss this ad nauseum and convince the IL's that I am right and he is crazy?

Please, tell me that I *MUST* stop and explain why I am so intent on educating them. I can take it.

Learn2Live

Well my first reaction is that you are "obsessing" over this (just using that term to generalize the behavior you describe) because you are worried about your kids. Only you can know whether or not that is part of the reason WHY.

My gut tells me you are obsessing over getting your concerns validated by them because (1) You aren't entirely sure that the way you perceive the situation and the events that unfold are entirely correct or "right"." That is, you question your ability to size up the situation and make the appropriate decisions. THAT is completely normal if you ask me. We all need our perceptions, understandings, and resultant decisions validated by others. That's part of the reason humans need other humans.

And because (2) You probably feel bad at some level that you have to be "the bad guy" in all this. That is completely understandable. That comes with feelings of guilt, too. Do you feel guilty? If yes, well STOP IT. You have to quash guilt immediately, every day, until you have changed your guilt habit. It's hard at first, but once you train yourself to eliminate guilt from your life, it is a BIG release.

Oh, and you probably at some level suspect that they blame YOU for what is happening, which is common for families in denial. So, that's probably contributing to your wanting to open their eyes. People can shame you, too, without you knowing what they are doing; you just know you feel bad when you deal with them.

I had the same sort of validation issue with the family of the last addict in my life. I call them the "Norman Rockwells" because they are so far in denial that, as long as everyone in the family acts out their role in the Norman Rockwell painting (beautiful turkey on the table for Thanksgiving, well-appointed home in a wealthy neighborhood, new cars every two years or so, all the "kids" home for XMas and tree trimmed, etc) then nevermind the smelly son who hasn't used soap or deodorant in years, with long greasy hair, and no front teeth. Nevermind the obvious. Let's just make sure we all feel good. How sad...

For what my opinion is worth, I think you're doing all right. Heck, you are AWARE of how you feel. I think the easiest way to stop obsessing about it is to stop having contact with that family. Isn't there someone else who can supervise the visitation, other than YOUR Norman Rockwell family?

OK, I hope something here is helpful.

nodaybut2day

Heheh, when I read the title of your post, I imagined a bunch of us codies, dressed in colorful spandex wrestling outfits complete with capes and masks, all walking slow-mo towards some arena, to the sound of the Rocky Theme...



Sorry. My imagination sometimes gets the best of me.

I think your need to have them validate you is totally normal. I did/do the same thing concerning my XAH. I think that eventually, you may have to accept being the Bad Guy because you know in your heart that you're obsessing about this because your children are involved and you need to protect them. Imagine if you didn't have kids with your STBXAH...it would be a little bit easier to just wash your hands of him and his problems/drama; but as things stand now, you *have* to have contact with him, and so do you kids.

It sounds to me like you will have to accept their denial all the while finding a way for your children to be safe around your STBXAH. I don't quite know the answer to that complex equation, but it seems like you'll drive yourself batty if you keep trying to convince your MIL that her son is bonkers and needs help. Trust in your own judgment.

coffeedrinker

I think this is a big piece of that "need to educate" thing. I remember wanting to walk up to my MIL and shake her until she said "yes, my son IS an alcoholic, yes you are right in what you're doing/saying, yes I have to accept some responsibility for where you all are at today". Of course not in those words, but some kind of acknowledgement! I remember standing in her kitchen during a family gathering. One of the other DIL's was starting to get smashed. My MIL quietly said something unkind about her/her behavior. I walked over to her and gently said "Helen, Jill has the same thing your son does." I felt like maybe, just maybe she would see things for what they were.

I don't really think it's as much about blame though (course I don't know them and how messed up the thinking might be) as this:
every time you say something like this, it REMINDS her. Heck, every time she see you it reminds her. This is uncomfortable, painful. She's not ready to be where you wish she would and likely will never be.

I also think that learn2live is right when she said that validation is what humans need/want. Early in marriage counseling, before we started getting any work done, the sessions seemed to be all about that. I needed to convince the therapist that I was right, and he was wrong. Hey you! Just admit you're in the wrong and I won't feel so angry! Then we can move on!

So that's my response to your questions. The other part, about ganging up on you and slapping the he11 out of ya, well as much as I love the visualization from noday, I can only remind you that your awareness is the first step. Just keep trying - no one gets this right the first, second, or third time. :ghug3

brundle

I think both posts have given you all the wisdom you need. The only thing I can add is a story to shed light on family members. Because I understand your guilt and your want for understanding.

I have a friend who had an abusive husband. The last fight she remembers was one over a very small thing and he threw her up the steps, pulled her hair out, ect... She had to go to the hospital. She remembers thinking if she had been at the top of the steps she might be dead today. She tells of talking to her mom on the phone telling her that she needed to get out of that house before something worse happened. Her mother said to her "well isn't there some way for you not to make "him" angry; usually he's a great guy". At that moment she walked by a mirror and saw the black and blue marks on her arms her messed up face. She felt sick to her stomach because she knew it was like her mom had just thrown her under the bus. She would rather this life for her daughter then a healthy one. My friend put a small bag together and ran to a local woman's shelter.

My point is... there are those people who are so messed up they can't see what is so plainly the truth. I think your MIL is one of them. Save yourself and your children and do whatever you need to do and don't feel guilty. All that is inflicted on you by the very people who help keep you in and create the situations we now find ourselves in. Like someone else said... listen to your gutt... Give yourself the same advise you would have given my friend; when it's not us we think so much more clearly.

Hugs...

Learn2Live

Coffee said:

Quote:

every time you say something like this, it REMINDS her. Heck, every time she see you it reminds her. This is uncomfortable, painful. She's not ready to be where you wish she would and likely will never be.

I agree. That is a great description of DENIAL.

transformyself

Everyone has great advice here, I'm just going to give you tons o hugs..:ghug3

Insulated

Naturally I'm going to take an entirely different angle on things. I don't know why I do this, I just do! Is it possible that your inlaws suffer from mental illness? When I look back on my deceased fiance' mother who he repeatedly told me suffered from mental illness, addiction, alcoholism, etc. then I think about her only other offspring sitting in prison for years on end and the stories I've heard, I think to myself...one woman, two different men, two kids, both mentally ill. My guy was bi-polar. So, having said that...are you dealing with mentally ill in laws ...which is toxic in and of itself.

Unfortunately, I've been in a circumstance kindof like this too. I didn't let my childrens father see his children unless supervised. It was court ordered and he couldn't visit his kids unless his father was present to supervise. Yep! My fil acted like this was the biggest inconvenience ever. So, there was one visit and the others, I wasn't available to tote the kids around to accomodate their father and inconvenience my fil. I just didn't something super fun with my kids instead. We had great times too.

Jadmack25

As the old saying goes.

There are none so blind, as those who will NOT see.

God bless