New here - my story
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 6
New here - my story
Hi all,
I wrote out a post that was way too long (4 pgs MS Word!) and decided to spare you, ha. Let's see if I can sum it up -
Girl meets guy in college.
Girl & guy fall instantly in love (seriously - you should hear him tell it).
Girl & guy get married five years later and over the next decade they accumulate a typical American life - 3 kids, mortgage, 2 cars, occasional beer & wine on Saturday and church on Sunday. They are very happy.
Girl & guy joke about how great their marriage is, how they are best friends, how most people don't have what they have, how they'll be together for life.
Girl is so blessed with him because he is always so expressive and caring and loving, great husband, great father, great provider, so much so that she can stay home and homeschool the kids.
Bliss, right? Pretty much. We argued, of course, about normal stuff couples argue about – money, stuff around the house…but we thought we had the greatest marriage ever. We were best friends through it all.
Then when our youngest was about 8 months old my MIL died suddenly of a massive stroke. Bad, bad thing. She was a wonderful lady, probably the most gracious, most selfless person I have ever known. The entire family took it really hard. Less than a year later we moved out of state to be closer to my husband’s dad and my husband started a very high stress sales job. He internalized all his grief – bad news for a normally emotive person. He started to have angry outbursts that would flare up fast and dissipate just as quickly. I was alarmed and wanted him to get counseling, but he didn’t seek any kind of help until he had 2 blinding headaches, bad enough for him to go to emergent care. Turned out his blood pressure was sky high and he was put on meds for it as well as an anti-depressant for anxiety. Over time the AD made the anxiety worse, as did his high pressure job. Around this time he also started to hide bourbon.
The first time I found it I said, “If you need a drink that bad, why are you hiding it? Just drink it out in the open.” But he continued to hide it. This vicious cycle continued, dozens and dozens and dozens of times, over the next couple years. He eventually got off the antidepressants - they weren’t helping anyway – that’s a long angry story in and of itself – the angry one being me over that whole class of drugs, the companies that make them and the drs that prescribe them like candy, and lost that high stress sales job. Found another job, much better than the last one. He toyed with counseling, was in and out of AA (the first time he went four months and later I found out he was drinking the whole time), but for the past couple years we’ve been basically spinning our wheels, stuck in the same cycle of lying, hiding, finding, remorse, broken promises, ruined holidays, birthdays, family events, begging on both sides, threats, scared weepy children seeing Mom & Dad yell so much, lots and lots of “you are the most important thing in my life and I love you more than anything,” meanwhile there’s bourbon in his coat, or under his car hood, or in the trunk, or under the foliage by the side of the garage, or stuffed in his armchair, or in the file cabinet, or behind the CD cabinet, or under the half bath sink, or under clothes on the closet shelf, or behind the garbage can, or IN the garbage can, or in MY van…you get the point.
Eventually it became impossible for him to feel comfortable hiding it anywhere so he took to pounding large amounts at once – he would go out on an errand, or on his way home from work, buy a pint, pull over somewhere inconspicuous and drink it down, then race home to try to get there before the buzz hit. Then he would come in, be normal for just minutes, then act really drunk – all the while denying he was because there was no physical evidence to find so he thought he could just insist and I’d never be able to prove it, get obnoxious and then basically pass out wherever he happened to land – in a chair, on the floor, on top of the bed fully clothed.
Last August he had one such incident that landed him in the hospital with a BAC of .405 after drinking two 24 oz beers and a pint of Jim Beam in about five minutes. An ER doc yelling in his face didn’t do him any good, because 3 days later he bought a fifth and came home drunk again.
Last November his dad died from complications of a heart attack. While my husband sat by his bed (his dad was sedated and intubated for 4 days), the hospital staff asked about my FIL’s drinking habits, pointing out physical signs of cirrhosis on my FIL’s hands and feet. On his death certificate under secondary causes read the words “alcohol abuse.” This had no effect because my husband’s drinking got even worse after that. By Christmas he was up to about a fifth every 2-3 days. I don’t think he’s drinking that much all the time, but I knew he put away a half a fifth sipping throughout Christmas evening (in a rare display of honesty and disclosure he allowed me to know what he was having) and he showed NO signs of intoxication. Very alarming.
Physical problems have no effect either. Right now he looks about 15 years older than he did 5 years ago, his stomach is a mess, he spends way too much time in the bathroom and is just exhausted every time he eats (obviously his digestive system is working overtime), he bruises easily and has no idea how (yeah, I know), he’s got a skin condition on his scalp and in his ear, he is depressed, has no self-esteem and is paranoid. When he doesn’t have enough to drink it is obvious – he shakes and is nauseous and irritable.
Nothing gets done around our house anymore – he has several projects that are years unfinished, including the repair of our master shower and the installation of laminate in our dining room. My van is falling apart, and it shouldn’t be – he makes a very good living. I take care of the house, the bills, almost everything in the yard (he mows once in a while), the shopping, you name it – I handle it. He travels 3 weeks or so every month but rarely does his expense reports – we have been paying his Amex bill ourselves, thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars that should come from his company, for months now.
My best friend is gone and in his place is someone who takes me by the hands, swears he isn’t drinking, swears he’s done with lying…while there’s a bottle hidden in his coat (last Sunday). He lets me think he's been going through withdrawal (beyond the first couple days when it's obvious from shaking etc), and the silly caring wife instructs him on vitamins and staying hydrated and tips for sleeping...and meanwhile he's drinking the whole time. He doesn't know how to tell the truth anymore, and he actually gets mad at ME for looking for it, for causing trouble so to speak.
Finally last Monday morning I told him as he left for the week that I didn’t want to talk to him all week, that I needed a break, that when he gets home we are living in separate rooms and that he has a decision to make. If he chooses to get help and evidences noticeable change, our marriage has a chance. Otherwise, we'll see…after about 5 years of this I have finally put some emotional distance between us and boy is it a mixed bag of emotions – my heart is breaking but I’m a bit relieved too. I love him with all my heart, but I’m not going to let him abuse my trust anymore and I’m certainly not going to let our kids watch him slowly kill himself.
I wrote out a post that was way too long (4 pgs MS Word!) and decided to spare you, ha. Let's see if I can sum it up -
Girl meets guy in college.
Girl & guy fall instantly in love (seriously - you should hear him tell it).
Girl & guy get married five years later and over the next decade they accumulate a typical American life - 3 kids, mortgage, 2 cars, occasional beer & wine on Saturday and church on Sunday. They are very happy.
Girl & guy joke about how great their marriage is, how they are best friends, how most people don't have what they have, how they'll be together for life.
Girl is so blessed with him because he is always so expressive and caring and loving, great husband, great father, great provider, so much so that she can stay home and homeschool the kids.
Bliss, right? Pretty much. We argued, of course, about normal stuff couples argue about – money, stuff around the house…but we thought we had the greatest marriage ever. We were best friends through it all.
Then when our youngest was about 8 months old my MIL died suddenly of a massive stroke. Bad, bad thing. She was a wonderful lady, probably the most gracious, most selfless person I have ever known. The entire family took it really hard. Less than a year later we moved out of state to be closer to my husband’s dad and my husband started a very high stress sales job. He internalized all his grief – bad news for a normally emotive person. He started to have angry outbursts that would flare up fast and dissipate just as quickly. I was alarmed and wanted him to get counseling, but he didn’t seek any kind of help until he had 2 blinding headaches, bad enough for him to go to emergent care. Turned out his blood pressure was sky high and he was put on meds for it as well as an anti-depressant for anxiety. Over time the AD made the anxiety worse, as did his high pressure job. Around this time he also started to hide bourbon.
The first time I found it I said, “If you need a drink that bad, why are you hiding it? Just drink it out in the open.” But he continued to hide it. This vicious cycle continued, dozens and dozens and dozens of times, over the next couple years. He eventually got off the antidepressants - they weren’t helping anyway – that’s a long angry story in and of itself – the angry one being me over that whole class of drugs, the companies that make them and the drs that prescribe them like candy, and lost that high stress sales job. Found another job, much better than the last one. He toyed with counseling, was in and out of AA (the first time he went four months and later I found out he was drinking the whole time), but for the past couple years we’ve been basically spinning our wheels, stuck in the same cycle of lying, hiding, finding, remorse, broken promises, ruined holidays, birthdays, family events, begging on both sides, threats, scared weepy children seeing Mom & Dad yell so much, lots and lots of “you are the most important thing in my life and I love you more than anything,” meanwhile there’s bourbon in his coat, or under his car hood, or in the trunk, or under the foliage by the side of the garage, or stuffed in his armchair, or in the file cabinet, or behind the CD cabinet, or under the half bath sink, or under clothes on the closet shelf, or behind the garbage can, or IN the garbage can, or in MY van…you get the point.
Eventually it became impossible for him to feel comfortable hiding it anywhere so he took to pounding large amounts at once – he would go out on an errand, or on his way home from work, buy a pint, pull over somewhere inconspicuous and drink it down, then race home to try to get there before the buzz hit. Then he would come in, be normal for just minutes, then act really drunk – all the while denying he was because there was no physical evidence to find so he thought he could just insist and I’d never be able to prove it, get obnoxious and then basically pass out wherever he happened to land – in a chair, on the floor, on top of the bed fully clothed.
Last August he had one such incident that landed him in the hospital with a BAC of .405 after drinking two 24 oz beers and a pint of Jim Beam in about five minutes. An ER doc yelling in his face didn’t do him any good, because 3 days later he bought a fifth and came home drunk again.
Last November his dad died from complications of a heart attack. While my husband sat by his bed (his dad was sedated and intubated for 4 days), the hospital staff asked about my FIL’s drinking habits, pointing out physical signs of cirrhosis on my FIL’s hands and feet. On his death certificate under secondary causes read the words “alcohol abuse.” This had no effect because my husband’s drinking got even worse after that. By Christmas he was up to about a fifth every 2-3 days. I don’t think he’s drinking that much all the time, but I knew he put away a half a fifth sipping throughout Christmas evening (in a rare display of honesty and disclosure he allowed me to know what he was having) and he showed NO signs of intoxication. Very alarming.
Physical problems have no effect either. Right now he looks about 15 years older than he did 5 years ago, his stomach is a mess, he spends way too much time in the bathroom and is just exhausted every time he eats (obviously his digestive system is working overtime), he bruises easily and has no idea how (yeah, I know), he’s got a skin condition on his scalp and in his ear, he is depressed, has no self-esteem and is paranoid. When he doesn’t have enough to drink it is obvious – he shakes and is nauseous and irritable.
Nothing gets done around our house anymore – he has several projects that are years unfinished, including the repair of our master shower and the installation of laminate in our dining room. My van is falling apart, and it shouldn’t be – he makes a very good living. I take care of the house, the bills, almost everything in the yard (he mows once in a while), the shopping, you name it – I handle it. He travels 3 weeks or so every month but rarely does his expense reports – we have been paying his Amex bill ourselves, thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars that should come from his company, for months now.
My best friend is gone and in his place is someone who takes me by the hands, swears he isn’t drinking, swears he’s done with lying…while there’s a bottle hidden in his coat (last Sunday). He lets me think he's been going through withdrawal (beyond the first couple days when it's obvious from shaking etc), and the silly caring wife instructs him on vitamins and staying hydrated and tips for sleeping...and meanwhile he's drinking the whole time. He doesn't know how to tell the truth anymore, and he actually gets mad at ME for looking for it, for causing trouble so to speak.
Finally last Monday morning I told him as he left for the week that I didn’t want to talk to him all week, that I needed a break, that when he gets home we are living in separate rooms and that he has a decision to make. If he chooses to get help and evidences noticeable change, our marriage has a chance. Otherwise, we'll see…after about 5 years of this I have finally put some emotional distance between us and boy is it a mixed bag of emotions – my heart is breaking but I’m a bit relieved too. I love him with all my heart, but I’m not going to let him abuse my trust anymore and I’m certainly not going to let our kids watch him slowly kill himself.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
I'm glad you're here. Your post brought tears to my eyes.It's horrible to watch your former best friend killing himself and your marriage and your children all in one fell swoop.
Unsolicited advice to follow - ignore it if you don't want it...
I think you should start putting chunks of money away for the benefit of you and your kids. I don't mean to scare you, but things often get worse before they get better. I would take an extra $50 or $100 out whenever possible and keep it in cash - in a safe place.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
hi agrace and Welcome to SR!
Wow, your situation sounds incredibly stressful. I think that the more you read here, the more you'll find your story in other people's lives. Sadly, it seems to be rather common when living with an alcoholic. The good thing about this place is...you're not alone.
Have you considered going to Al-Anon to get yourself some much needed support? I don't know how old your children are, but perhaps Al-Ateen might be a good place for them to get informed and have a safe place to discuss how they feel about their father's alcoholism.
Keep posting!
Wow, your situation sounds incredibly stressful. I think that the more you read here, the more you'll find your story in other people's lives. Sadly, it seems to be rather common when living with an alcoholic. The good thing about this place is...you're not alone.
Have you considered going to Al-Anon to get yourself some much needed support? I don't know how old your children are, but perhaps Al-Ateen might be a good place for them to get informed and have a safe place to discuss how they feel about their father's alcoholism.
Keep posting!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Hi.
So sorry for your situation.
Just my two cents, but pay attention to his actions, not his words. Active alcoholics lie. You cannot count on what active A's say.
Al anon is a good group of supporters who have lived through what you are going through right now. I highly recommend it.
Hugs
So sorry for your situation.
Just my two cents, but pay attention to his actions, not his words. Active alcoholics lie. You cannot count on what active A's say.
Al anon is a good group of supporters who have lived through what you are going through right now. I highly recommend it.
Hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 6
Thanks so much for the responses!
I've been reading the forum a bunch these past few days and yes, I see aspects of my story EVERYWHERE.
Regarding the unsolicited advice from Stella - thank you, that's great advice. One thing I've learned is I can't count on him for anything, especially getting better, so I have to assume the worst CAN happen. Especially since I never expected any of this for my marriage and in the past year he keeps surprising me with new lows - unfortunately never a bottom though.
About alanon - I went once a couple years ago and that particular group was not my thing. I was told to find another group because there are good ones out there and recently I have been looking into alanon and others. It's hard with small kids and a traveling husband (mine are 12, 8 & 7) but I'll find something. Thankfully I have a great support network in friends, church and family, some of whom know all about this while some do not. But I have a couple dozen people I could call right now for help if necessary. I'm truly blessed that way. Is there an alanon book like AA's Big Book? I have a copy of the Big Book and another really good clinical one called Loosening the Grip (I read his stuff and he doesn't) but nothing geared toward me & codependency.
My oldest (almost 13 yr old daughter) needs some counseling or peer support. She's afraid of this guy that kind of looks like her dad. Not because he's ever been physically threatening but because he often doesn't act like a very good father and she's had WAY too much exposure to his alcoholism - seeing him drunk and passing out, knowing he's lying about it, hearing him slamming doors and yelling in the middle of the night because I won't give him his keys, being in the car when he bought alcohol, example - one time the two of them were out at the store and he came home, acted drunk and then crashed, and she told me that he had bought some. When he woke up and I asked him about it, he insisted that she was wrong. Not lying but just wrong - according to him, they did not stop anywhere but the grocery store, he did not come out with a paper bag, he did not go to the trunk of his car with it (putting it in a different bottle), he did not drink brown liquid from a 7up bottle on the way home, they did not stop at BK so he could throw it out. He said "I'm not saying you're lying about all that; you're just mistaken." !!!! There the girl sat in tears because her father was lying to her face. (And yes, I supported her all the way.) It took MONTHS before he would admit that he actually did buy alcohol that afternoon and apologized to her. She doesn't trust him, she's high strung to begin with but more stressed now, she doesn't ever want to be alone with him. She's had to grow up so fast and frankly acts more like an adult than he does most of the time.
And my son who is almost 9 - wow, is he disrespectful and rebellious more and more these past couple years. He yells a lot, has no respect for his parents, throws fits over little things, is spiteful to his sisters, doesn't seem to care about doing the right thing, and lies - imagine that. My husband just can't seem to get it through his head that he is a living example for my son and my son is acting just like his father. And he's not real thrilled with being alone with him either. A few weeks ago I took both girls to cheerleading practice and got a phone call from him because "Daddy fell down in the kitchen."
My youngest is 7 and seems oblivious to most of it, like it's just above her head and not on her radar, but she knows what's going on. She said something the other day response to something her sister said - "Is Daddy drinking alcohol again?" So it's in her head. She's very easy-going and loving but it's probably only a matter of time before she starts to show the stress of it all.
Sigh...and he called twice today to try to talk to me, this after I told him that I didn't want to talk to him all week. The first time he came right out with it, wanted to talk about our marriage. I said no. The second time he called to tell me that he had made an appointment with a local counseling facility. Great. Hope that works for ya. And I just know he's sitting there in some hotel room wondering "WHAT IS HER PROBLEM?!"
I've been reading the forum a bunch these past few days and yes, I see aspects of my story EVERYWHERE.
Regarding the unsolicited advice from Stella - thank you, that's great advice. One thing I've learned is I can't count on him for anything, especially getting better, so I have to assume the worst CAN happen. Especially since I never expected any of this for my marriage and in the past year he keeps surprising me with new lows - unfortunately never a bottom though.
About alanon - I went once a couple years ago and that particular group was not my thing. I was told to find another group because there are good ones out there and recently I have been looking into alanon and others. It's hard with small kids and a traveling husband (mine are 12, 8 & 7) but I'll find something. Thankfully I have a great support network in friends, church and family, some of whom know all about this while some do not. But I have a couple dozen people I could call right now for help if necessary. I'm truly blessed that way. Is there an alanon book like AA's Big Book? I have a copy of the Big Book and another really good clinical one called Loosening the Grip (I read his stuff and he doesn't) but nothing geared toward me & codependency.
My oldest (almost 13 yr old daughter) needs some counseling or peer support. She's afraid of this guy that kind of looks like her dad. Not because he's ever been physically threatening but because he often doesn't act like a very good father and she's had WAY too much exposure to his alcoholism - seeing him drunk and passing out, knowing he's lying about it, hearing him slamming doors and yelling in the middle of the night because I won't give him his keys, being in the car when he bought alcohol, example - one time the two of them were out at the store and he came home, acted drunk and then crashed, and she told me that he had bought some. When he woke up and I asked him about it, he insisted that she was wrong. Not lying but just wrong - according to him, they did not stop anywhere but the grocery store, he did not come out with a paper bag, he did not go to the trunk of his car with it (putting it in a different bottle), he did not drink brown liquid from a 7up bottle on the way home, they did not stop at BK so he could throw it out. He said "I'm not saying you're lying about all that; you're just mistaken." !!!! There the girl sat in tears because her father was lying to her face. (And yes, I supported her all the way.) It took MONTHS before he would admit that he actually did buy alcohol that afternoon and apologized to her. She doesn't trust him, she's high strung to begin with but more stressed now, she doesn't ever want to be alone with him. She's had to grow up so fast and frankly acts more like an adult than he does most of the time.
And my son who is almost 9 - wow, is he disrespectful and rebellious more and more these past couple years. He yells a lot, has no respect for his parents, throws fits over little things, is spiteful to his sisters, doesn't seem to care about doing the right thing, and lies - imagine that. My husband just can't seem to get it through his head that he is a living example for my son and my son is acting just like his father. And he's not real thrilled with being alone with him either. A few weeks ago I took both girls to cheerleading practice and got a phone call from him because "Daddy fell down in the kitchen."
My youngest is 7 and seems oblivious to most of it, like it's just above her head and not on her radar, but she knows what's going on. She said something the other day response to something her sister said - "Is Daddy drinking alcohol again?" So it's in her head. She's very easy-going and loving but it's probably only a matter of time before she starts to show the stress of it all.
Sigh...and he called twice today to try to talk to me, this after I told him that I didn't want to talk to him all week. The first time he came right out with it, wanted to talk about our marriage. I said no. The second time he called to tell me that he had made an appointment with a local counseling facility. Great. Hope that works for ya. And I just know he's sitting there in some hotel room wondering "WHAT IS HER PROBLEM?!"
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
You are on the right track. And I bet that whether he can admit it to you or not, he KNOWS good and darn well what your problem is.
I had to protect my kids. HAD to. I got to the point where I couldn't let them spend one more minute in the crazy-making combat zone that was our home. They deserved to have a childhood - even if they can't understand why Daddy doesn't live with us, I know they don't miss the chaos, and I can feel better that I am fulfilling my obligation to them of providing them a safe place to grow up.
I had to protect my kids. HAD to. I got to the point where I couldn't let them spend one more minute in the crazy-making combat zone that was our home. They deserved to have a childhood - even if they can't understand why Daddy doesn't live with us, I know they don't miss the chaos, and I can feel better that I am fulfilling my obligation to them of providing them a safe place to grow up.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
On the board, the overall favorite seems to be Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. I love it. There are a ton of codependency books if you go to Amazon, you can find them. In the stickies at the top of the forum you can find a reading list and lots of other good info.
Oh, by the way, welcome.
You sould very bright and motivated.
For your children's sake, stay strong.
Now the work is on you. Who are you, really? What do you want in your life? What is intolerable? What are your goals? What are you worth? How are you caring for yourself? How can you detach from your AH's problems and care for you and your family?
We are here for you!
w
Oh, by the way, welcome.
You sould very bright and motivated.
For your children's sake, stay strong.
Now the work is on you. Who are you, really? What do you want in your life? What is intolerable? What are your goals? What are you worth? How are you caring for yourself? How can you detach from your AH's problems and care for you and your family?
We are here for you!
w
ayk!
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Albany, OR
Posts: 0
Oh my gosh, I am SO sorry. Alcoholics are really good at hiding the amount they drink, and they are absolute champions of denial.
It sounds as if your husband is going to suffer more physical complications at a rapid rate. That skin bruising could be a sign of Varices. He may be a late stage alcoholic. If and when he detoxes, he really must do it under medical supervision.
You are making the right choices for yourself and for your children.
It sounds as if your husband is going to suffer more physical complications at a rapid rate. That skin bruising could be a sign of Varices. He may be a late stage alcoholic. If and when he detoxes, he really must do it under medical supervision.
You are making the right choices for yourself and for your children.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by ayb46 
Oh my gosh, I am SO sorry. Alcoholics are really good at hiding the amount they drink, and they are absolute champions of denial.
It sounds as if your husband is going to suffer more physical complications at a rapid rate. That skin bruising could be a sign of Varices. He may be a late stage alcoholic. If and when he detoxes, he really must do it under medical supervision.
You are making the right choices for yourself and for your children.
It sounds as if your husband is going to suffer more physical complications at a rapid rate. That skin bruising could be a sign of Varices. He may be a late stage alcoholic. If and when he detoxes, he really must do it under medical supervision.
You are making the right choices for yourself and for your children.
Or should I say the reading I just did on varices did. I figured the bruising (which isn't really rampant, just here and there) was a sign of liver damage but varices and related stuff sounds just horrible. Especially because one of the other symptoms is something he may be experiencing too.I want him to go to at least a 3 day medical detox place. I'm pretty sure he's tapered down somewhat from the level he was drinking at Christmas, but who knows what he has on the road.
Thanks again, all. This is a huge amazing board, it would do him some good too no doubt.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
Welcome!
So glad you have found us. You will find experience, support, and hope (ESH) here in abundance. So many have gone through what you are going through in varying ways, but the frustration, loss, hurt, and anguish over a loved one's addiction is familiar to us all. You are not alone.
When someone close to us is in the throws of addiction that addiction becomes part of our everyday life. We work around it, compromise with it, and organize our families around it. We consider the mood of the addict before doing the most simple of activities. We keep their behavior in mind before we do or say most anything. We spend an inordinate amount of time talking about, thinking about, and crying over the addict's problem and how it affects us and the children.
It is from all of this that we seek our own recovery. You have made a tremendous step in that direction by listening to your instincts about his drinking habits and its effects despite all of his protests to the contrary. You've also taken another tremendous step towards this process by putting a boundary in place, stating what you need to move forward (space and no contact), and what you feel you need to consider repairing some of the damage that's been done.
There is a lot to absorb here. Take your time. Read through the posts saved at the top (stickies). Consider books that are recommended, and keep posting!
Remember the three Cs. You did not create this. You cannot control it. You cannot cure it. All of these come from within him and only him.
Alice
So glad you have found us. You will find experience, support, and hope (ESH) here in abundance. So many have gone through what you are going through in varying ways, but the frustration, loss, hurt, and anguish over a loved one's addiction is familiar to us all. You are not alone.
When someone close to us is in the throws of addiction that addiction becomes part of our everyday life. We work around it, compromise with it, and organize our families around it. We consider the mood of the addict before doing the most simple of activities. We keep their behavior in mind before we do or say most anything. We spend an inordinate amount of time talking about, thinking about, and crying over the addict's problem and how it affects us and the children.
It is from all of this that we seek our own recovery. You have made a tremendous step in that direction by listening to your instincts about his drinking habits and its effects despite all of his protests to the contrary. You've also taken another tremendous step towards this process by putting a boundary in place, stating what you need to move forward (space and no contact), and what you feel you need to consider repairing some of the damage that's been done.
There is a lot to absorb here. Take your time. Read through the posts saved at the top (stickies). Consider books that are recommended, and keep posting!
Remember the three Cs. You did not create this. You cannot control it. You cannot cure it. All of these come from within him and only him.
Alice
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: At my computer
Posts: 28
Wow, I cried reading your story because it seriously could be me writing it. I know the despair you are feeling. My husband just went through treatment for the second time in December. He relapsed a year after going through treatment the first time. It was 4 long years of hell on earth before he went again. 3 days of detox might not be enough. It took my husband 6 days to detox but it would be a start. Have you ever talked to him about getting help or going to treatment? If I were you I would try searching for a program for him (you know he won't do it himself) and present him with the information. I know that I felt so alone when my husband was drinking and many times just wished someone would give me a hug. So here is a big (((((hug))))) for you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 646
Welcome Agrace. Your post was so well written and I cried for you and all of us that have walked this path.
You asked about books. I read "How Alanon Works" and found it helpful and insightful. I also liked the Toby Rice Drew books "Getting Them Sober". Some of the chapters are posted online. It is a trick title because it is more about us then the alcoholics.
Keep coming back.
You asked about books. I read "How Alanon Works" and found it helpful and insightful. I also liked the Toby Rice Drew books "Getting Them Sober". Some of the chapters are posted online. It is a trick title because it is more about us then the alcoholics.
Keep coming back.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 108
wow agrace, your story could be me. I am new here too, and am so glad I found this wonderful group. My husband bruises easy too, has digestive problems, liver involvement, and if he scratches himself, he bleeds and bleeds. I have also notice3d he is covered in red spots (like measles) all over his arms and back. I wonder if this is alcohol related, most prolly is. His father also died from alcohol related death, pancreatic cancer. hugs to you.
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
Thing is, he's only going to get worse, a LOT worse - in a nasty scary horrifying downward spiral. If it were me, I'd be wanting to spare my children (and myself) having to see all that.
He ignored the ER doc, he ignored the fact that his Dad died of complications with alcohol, why would he be suddenly convinced by you? He wouldn't and he won't.
He swears he's going to stop lying, but he's lying when he says it.
Don't forget, you are in control - of you. Do what you need to do for you and the kids, your husband is a big boy, and he has made his decisions.
He ignored the ER doc, he ignored the fact that his Dad died of complications with alcohol, why would he be suddenly convinced by you? He wouldn't and he won't.
He swears he's going to stop lying, but he's lying when he says it.
Don't forget, you are in control - of you. Do what you need to do for you and the kids, your husband is a big boy, and he has made his decisions.
ayk!
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Albany, OR
Posts: 0
This reminds me of the episode of Intervention where the guy had a huge Big Gulp cup full of booze, saying he only had a "little." He refused to go to treatment. He was in full blown, late stage alcoholism and his denial was impenetrable. He died two or three weeks after the episode aired. Oh, that one broke my heart
I have a book that helped me a lot that's about raising the bottom for our As. It's called No More Letting Go The Spirituality of Taking Action Against Alcoholism and Drug Addiction written by Debra Jay. It didn't help my AH but it sure helped me to realize that this is NOT my fault, and that living that way is awful and crazy and painful.
I really do hope your husband seeks treatment, (((agrace)))
I have a book that helped me a lot that's about raising the bottom for our As. It's called No More Letting Go The Spirituality of Taking Action Against Alcoholism and Drug Addiction written by Debra Jay. It didn't help my AH but it sure helped me to realize that this is NOT my fault, and that living that way is awful and crazy and painful.
I really do hope your husband seeks treatment, (((agrace)))
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