Feeling manipulated, now i'm angry
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Feeling manipulated, now i'm angry
rant, rant, rant - i feel like my partner is behaving in a manipulative way so that i feel forced to do the things she is too scared to do (i.e. move out, file for divorce, tell the kiddo, etc.) We were just on "vacation" for a week, and i actually ended up leaving her in another state because the emotional abuse felt too bad for me - by emotional abuse, i mean more of the constant changing of her moods, what she says, does, acts - i can't keep up. I actually felt pretty proud of myself - she raged and left the house, and i just switched my flight, caught a bus and left. She came home yesterday FURIOUS and even more withdrawn and horrible than she's been lately. Then gets nicer, and then just as we are walking into soccer nonchalantly says like it's no big deal "i'll never sleep in the same room with you again". I feel like every time i think there is nothing left she can take from me, she manages to find one more thing. I cannot believe that someone who gave me such a beautiful life (contributed to it) for so long can rip it all apart after 17 years, and in a matter of 6 weeks with no regard for my feelings.
I am angry that i'm going to have to leave/file for divorce because she won't, and i don't even want that, but my sanity is at stake here, i feel very, very, very fragile. Did i say very fragile? I'm exhausted, i haven't slept properly since she dumped this "i want out" thing on me 6 weeks ago, losing a lot of weight, feel sick all the time (shaky, stomach, nauseaus). I feel like i have to leave to save myself, and then i told her i would move out and she says if i take our daughter she will "call the police and press kidnapping charges". Like I know i have the right to leave with my child and I would not be keeping her from her other mom or whatever - but it's these types of threats that scare the crap out of me and keep me in a state of well, "frozenness", i feel like she is wanting all this change but everything i try to do to facilitate that change, she throws up roadblocks or something. I just feel crazy and i have to act sane for my daughters sake, and it's way too hard. i don't want to be walking this path. I am dragging my heels and know i shouldn't be, i'm so, so, so scared.
I am angry that i'm going to have to leave/file for divorce because she won't, and i don't even want that, but my sanity is at stake here, i feel very, very, very fragile. Did i say very fragile? I'm exhausted, i haven't slept properly since she dumped this "i want out" thing on me 6 weeks ago, losing a lot of weight, feel sick all the time (shaky, stomach, nauseaus). I feel like i have to leave to save myself, and then i told her i would move out and she says if i take our daughter she will "call the police and press kidnapping charges". Like I know i have the right to leave with my child and I would not be keeping her from her other mom or whatever - but it's these types of threats that scare the crap out of me and keep me in a state of well, "frozenness", i feel like she is wanting all this change but everything i try to do to facilitate that change, she throws up roadblocks or something. I just feel crazy and i have to act sane for my daughters sake, and it's way too hard. i don't want to be walking this path. I am dragging my heels and know i shouldn't be, i'm so, so, so scared.
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Join Date: Jan 2010
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Abuse, emotional blackmail and control issues.....
You described what my relationship is with myself if I pick up a drink. When I have a partner who does that sort of thing I need to take care of myself. Primarily my spiritual, mental and physical being. With a child it is paramount for me to take care of myself. The child needs me and I need to be a sober, healthy parent to that child.
You described what my relationship is with myself if I pick up a drink. When I have a partner who does that sort of thing I need to take care of myself. Primarily my spiritual, mental and physical being. With a child it is paramount for me to take care of myself. The child needs me and I need to be a sober, healthy parent to that child.
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I know you don't want to do this.
I didn't want to either, and once I did, H kept throwing it in my face "this is your choice".
which I acknowledge, it was: I made the best choice out of a selection of stinking, horrible, choices. LaTeeDa said on another thread that children need one sane parent, you get to be it in your household and you have to do whatever it takes to do that, however lousy the selection of options.
your anger is good, it's there as a sign that action of some sort needs to occur.
my H throws out all sorts of threats. I check with my solicitor because there are the odd times when he actually follows through with them. Have you got some legal advice? It may be time, especially as you've been at home whilst she was developing a career, you need to know what your options are, what financial support you can expect.
you'll move at whatever pace you can cope with, be gentle on yourself, you will be okay. When you are not being bombarded daily with her emotional wreckage, when you can concentrate on your own feelings and those of your daughter. It's painful and stressful, but in my experience not as painful and stressful as what you are going through now.
I didn't want to either, and once I did, H kept throwing it in my face "this is your choice".
which I acknowledge, it was: I made the best choice out of a selection of stinking, horrible, choices. LaTeeDa said on another thread that children need one sane parent, you get to be it in your household and you have to do whatever it takes to do that, however lousy the selection of options.
your anger is good, it's there as a sign that action of some sort needs to occur.
she says if i take our daughter she will "call the police and press kidnapping charges". Like I know i have the right to leave with my child and I would not be keeping her from her other mom or whatever - but it's these types of threats that scare the crap out of me and keep me in a state of well, "frozenness",
I am dragging my heels and know i shouldn't be, i'm so, so, so scared.
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I forgot to mention......Once you get a firmer grip on the situation then will be time for attorneys. If it gets violent, police, of course. However, I think for now vigilance regarding your sobriety and all it encompasses is the watch word.
Go to a meeting, speak with people who know you, hopefully someone like a sponsor. Not because you need guidance, per se, but, because those who are objective can see the cracks in our persona and our sobriety that we cannot.
Go to a meeting, speak with people who know you, hopefully someone like a sponsor. Not because you need guidance, per se, but, because those who are objective can see the cracks in our persona and our sobriety that we cannot.
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I am so sorry you are going through this. It does sound confusing and painful. I suspect that she is very tapped into your psyche and knows which buttons to push to inflict hurt. It sounds like crazy-making and unfortunately it's working.
You have many reasons to be angry. I hope you understand that you're dealing with someone who is exhibiting a great deal of immaturity. You can't expect a chicken to act like a horse, ya know? I think it helps when we realize that if we expect someone to behave outside of what they're capable of, or who they are, or where they are stuck, then we are also the frustrated, angry one. Not that it's bad or wrong to have expectations. But this woman is clearly acting out, and not being direct. That is a sign of emotional immaturity.
Unfortunately, she also is probably not going to get up and follow through with some of these pieces of business that need to be attended to. She says she wants to leave but her actions are saying something as well. My guess is that she's passive-agressive, and a button pusher in the first degree. Should you HAVE to do this, that, the other thing? No, but if you don't, it won't get done, and so you get to decide if you'd rather have it done than not. YOU GET TO DECIDE. Make it your choice and then you may not feel as powerless.
I always try to take the high road. Now, not saying I always succeed! But, with that as a goal of mine, it helps. I have really always been able to look back at my behavior and hold my head high.
Can I suggest that you get an attorney? I think that will take some of the heat off, and you can then get LEGAL advice about the child. I would think that you'll feel a lot more sure of your decisions with that kind of support.
And Jen is right - you can move at your own pace.
You have many reasons to be angry. I hope you understand that you're dealing with someone who is exhibiting a great deal of immaturity. You can't expect a chicken to act like a horse, ya know? I think it helps when we realize that if we expect someone to behave outside of what they're capable of, or who they are, or where they are stuck, then we are also the frustrated, angry one. Not that it's bad or wrong to have expectations. But this woman is clearly acting out, and not being direct. That is a sign of emotional immaturity.
Unfortunately, she also is probably not going to get up and follow through with some of these pieces of business that need to be attended to. She says she wants to leave but her actions are saying something as well. My guess is that she's passive-agressive, and a button pusher in the first degree. Should you HAVE to do this, that, the other thing? No, but if you don't, it won't get done, and so you get to decide if you'd rather have it done than not. YOU GET TO DECIDE. Make it your choice and then you may not feel as powerless.
I always try to take the high road. Now, not saying I always succeed! But, with that as a goal of mine, it helps. I have really always been able to look back at my behavior and hold my head high.
Can I suggest that you get an attorney? I think that will take some of the heat off, and you can then get LEGAL advice about the child. I would think that you'll feel a lot more sure of your decisions with that kind of support.
And Jen is right - you can move at your own pace.
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My own AH talked about us separating and not having anything in common anymore earlier this week and he does it in such a calm, knowing way. I panicked through fear of being on my own and began to back track. I was getting help at Al-Anon, I would change, I would try not to get on at him about his drinking. No wonder he was smug. Can you believe that! That is master manipulation and codependency at work!
I also have a daughter (19) we had a really good talk tonight and she was telling me about what she remembers about growing up and it wasn't pleasant to hear. She knows that she has been brought up by two sick/mad parents and wants to get away. I have upset her the most, when I separated from her dad in the past only to get back together with him again, when he made his hollow promises. This has really done her head in. My daughter has got to the 'hate' her dad stage, so its easier for her to detach, whilst I still 'Love' but don't like.
My psychologist told me about some dogs that were kept in a pen and the floor was electric shocked. There was a very low wall between their pen and another one next to it where it was safe. To begin with the dogs jumped over to the safe pen whenever their floor was electric shocked but after a while many of the dogs just stayed where they were and took the pain without jumping to the safe pen. They had learnt helplessness behavior. This he explained is what keeps me trapped in my alcoholic abusive marriage and might be working for you too.
I too, am angry and fragile but I think I know in my head that I will have to leave him/separate for both our sakes and my daughters, I am just waiting for my heart to follow suit.
I hope you find some peace real soon and I hope my ramble helped in someway. You are not on your own.
I also have a daughter (19) we had a really good talk tonight and she was telling me about what she remembers about growing up and it wasn't pleasant to hear. She knows that she has been brought up by two sick/mad parents and wants to get away. I have upset her the most, when I separated from her dad in the past only to get back together with him again, when he made his hollow promises. This has really done her head in. My daughter has got to the 'hate' her dad stage, so its easier for her to detach, whilst I still 'Love' but don't like.
My psychologist told me about some dogs that were kept in a pen and the floor was electric shocked. There was a very low wall between their pen and another one next to it where it was safe. To begin with the dogs jumped over to the safe pen whenever their floor was electric shocked but after a while many of the dogs just stayed where they were and took the pain without jumping to the safe pen. They had learnt helplessness behavior. This he explained is what keeps me trapped in my alcoholic abusive marriage and might be working for you too.
I too, am angry and fragile but I think I know in my head that I will have to leave him/separate for both our sakes and my daughters, I am just waiting for my heart to follow suit.
I hope you find some peace real soon and I hope my ramble helped in someway. You are not on your own.
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I like the dog-in-the-pen analogy. It takes some effort to make the changes that will cause us to live with LESS pain (not no pain). We have to decide if the effort to jump over the wall is worth it to us.
I am 6 months separated, and I KNOW it has been worth it to me, but it took me a long time to make that decision.
I am 6 months separated, and I KNOW it has been worth it to me, but it took me a long time to make that decision.
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twitchtides...I'm so sorry you're being subjected to this kind of thing. It's not acceptable. You are right to see it for what it is: abuse. Have you considered calling the National Domestic Abuse hotline, just for a listening ear? I know that people easily overlook verbal and emotional abuse because it leaves no *visible* marks, but that kind of abuse is just as damaging.
I called a local domestic violence shelter feeling a bit dumb, but received a lot of positive feedback and was given resources to help me through my separation. They also recommended lawyers who could at least give me a legal opinion on the situation.
This is just me, but when I feel unsettled and going a bit loopy, I start to make lists of what's bugging me, and what actions I can take concretely to help myself feel better. Then I go through the list and make the calls, or find the documents, etc. Can you perhaps try this strategy?
I completely understand your fears about your partner's threats regarding your daughter. I can however tell you that so long as you do not deny your partner access to your daughter, there's no cause for panic if she calls the cops on you. Your daughter is with her mother and her other mother is welcome to come see her whenever. I'd check with a lawyer from your area just to be sure, but this is what I've learned with regards to threats to call the police...
*hugs* keep posting!
I called a local domestic violence shelter feeling a bit dumb, but received a lot of positive feedback and was given resources to help me through my separation. They also recommended lawyers who could at least give me a legal opinion on the situation.
This is just me, but when I feel unsettled and going a bit loopy, I start to make lists of what's bugging me, and what actions I can take concretely to help myself feel better. Then I go through the list and make the calls, or find the documents, etc. Can you perhaps try this strategy?
I completely understand your fears about your partner's threats regarding your daughter. I can however tell you that so long as you do not deny your partner access to your daughter, there's no cause for panic if she calls the cops on you. Your daughter is with her mother and her other mother is welcome to come see her whenever. I'd check with a lawyer from your area just to be sure, but this is what I've learned with regards to threats to call the police...
*hugs* keep posting!
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Join Date: Jan 2010
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So sorry you are going through this Twitchtides...
It sounds horribly painful and confusing.
If you and your partner are capable of it, I would recommend seeing a therapist together, not for the sake of "working on the relationship", with the goal of getting back together, but for the sake of "working on the transition", with the goal of making mutual decisions in a way that will be the least harmful to your daughter.
When I separated from my ex, after nine years, marriage, and with a three year old, we did this type of therapy together. It certainly did not erase the emotions we were going through, but it allowed us to hang on to the ultimate goal, which was to somehow come out on the other side of all the pain and anger with our friendship and co-parenting relationship in tact.
I am happy to say that after one heck of a ride, and much sadness, and all the rest that goes with separation, we now have a true friendship, with much forgiveness, laughter, and our mutual love for and enjoyment of our six year old. Not to mention: RESPECT.
This is just my two cents. I don't think it is possible in every situation.
Good luck, and try to take care of yourself.
Wishing you a moment of serenity today....
It sounds horribly painful and confusing.
If you and your partner are capable of it, I would recommend seeing a therapist together, not for the sake of "working on the relationship", with the goal of getting back together, but for the sake of "working on the transition", with the goal of making mutual decisions in a way that will be the least harmful to your daughter.
When I separated from my ex, after nine years, marriage, and with a three year old, we did this type of therapy together. It certainly did not erase the emotions we were going through, but it allowed us to hang on to the ultimate goal, which was to somehow come out on the other side of all the pain and anger with our friendship and co-parenting relationship in tact.
I am happy to say that after one heck of a ride, and much sadness, and all the rest that goes with separation, we now have a true friendship, with much forgiveness, laughter, and our mutual love for and enjoyment of our six year old. Not to mention: RESPECT.
This is just my two cents. I don't think it is possible in every situation.
Good luck, and try to take care of yourself.
Wishing you a moment of serenity today....
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Join Date: Jan 2010
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Originally Posted by twitchtides 
I cannot believe that someone who gave me such a beautiful life (contributed to it) for so long can rip it all apart after 17 years, and in a matter of 6 weeks with no regard for my feelings.
For some reason I cannot leave this alone.
This has been going on for 6 weeks and you have been together for 17 years. More investigation into your partner's change may be warranted. Perhaps this person is having some medical problems, emotional problems or psychological problems.
All I am saying is while you are taking care of yourself and your child a cooling off period may be necessary and an inventory of the relationship could help.
Running to attorneys too soon only makes your wallet slimmer and could create irreparable emotional harm.
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[QUOTE=Slag;2505233]
This has been going on for 6 weeks and you have been together for 17 years. More investigation into your partner's change may be warranted. Perhaps this person is having some medical problems, emotional problems or psychological problems. [QUOTE]
OR there was more denial on your side than you want to admit.
It was my calling my husband on his drinking that shifted him. He has (for the last 3 months) been a Jeckyl-Hyde to the nth degree. Mad/scared/pushing me away/defensive and then postive, happy, "normal". I saw his "dark side" before, but it was never out for long and never focused on me. I do recall saying to myself, "God help me if we have kids together and then separate!!" Now, why it didn't occur to me as a red flag at the time? Who knows. I wasn't ready, I guess.
Keep telling yourself, "I am not crazy. If I feel crazy, it is because of some screwing things I am being told."
Hold on to yourself.
(((twitch)))
This has been going on for 6 weeks and you have been together for 17 years. More investigation into your partner's change may be warranted. Perhaps this person is having some medical problems, emotional problems or psychological problems. [QUOTE]
OR there was more denial on your side than you want to admit.
It was my calling my husband on his drinking that shifted him. He has (for the last 3 months) been a Jeckyl-Hyde to the nth degree. Mad/scared/pushing me away/defensive and then postive, happy, "normal". I saw his "dark side" before, but it was never out for long and never focused on me. I do recall saying to myself, "God help me if we have kids together and then separate!!" Now, why it didn't occur to me as a red flag at the time? Who knows. I wasn't ready, I guess.
Keep telling yourself, "I am not crazy. If I feel crazy, it is because of some screwing things I am being told."
Hold on to yourself.
(((twitch)))
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Originally Posted by wifeofadrinker
OR there was more denial on your side than you want to admit.
That is the point I was making. More introspection rather than reaction could serve many positive purposes. For example, using the steps in this situation could uncover some behavioral patterns that the OP would like to know about himself. I know I would. I do not want to repeat destructive or problematic behavior in other relationships.
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Hmmm, thanks for the replies. Let's see - actually I am an attorney, but i also saw an attorney just to make sure that what i thought i knew, i actually did!
At this moment, and i really can't describe it any other way, God - or higher power (and i'm quite a non-believer actually, struggling with step 2) seems to be intervening.
My partner, basically "hit bottom" when i left her in the other state, and opened herself to letting God's will guide her, rather than her own will. This occurred on Tuesday. It's now Friday - this week, I have seen what I can only describe as miracles.
She has not said she wants to stay with me, but the level of anger/angst has been removed, and I actually see the person I have known all these years again. She has suddenly started communicating, talking to other people/friends, and recognized that although she is on step 7 in AA, she actually really hasn't worked the steps with her heart - she is starting over now.
We were going to tell our daughter about separation last night, and partner called and asked again that we put it off - we have come up with a "compromise" in the interim. I asked for our bedroom back, and suggested that we create a private space for partner (we have a pretty big house) - so this weekend, we are going to set up an office/meditation room/private space for her as a family. Going to tell the kiddo that mama needs her own space like the rest of us, and leave it at that. Partner is not totally "moving into" the space, may/probably sleep there - but that will be after our daughter is asleep.
For the first time in 7 weeks I am sleeping and feel that something bigger is in charge of this situation now - that brings me a lot of peace. I know her mood could shift again, but it's as if a huge veil of ugliness has lifted from our house - there has been an awful lot of "god" stuff going on here this week - would take too long to explain, but considering i'm more or less a non-believer, i'm starting to believe right now in that higher power.
It feels like my partner is now open to discussion, taking care of herself, and not acting in haste. We are slowing things down for the moment, much to my relief. Of course, this could change in a minute, but the way things have played out give me some hope.
BTW, I think one person posted on here about my sobriety - just as an aside - I am not an alcoholic or anything, just a partner of one!
Thankfully, even when my partner was acting her nuttiest, both of us were focused on our daughter, and even though she senses something is not quite right - we've both done pretty well with keeping this all from her.
We'll see how the weekend goes with the new room set up, and with new communication channels open. I don't know where this will all end, but the road, for the moment seems much less scary.
Will keep you all posted! I can't say how much I appreciate having a place to post things, get support, perspective, love and understanding. I never ever thought i would be able to lean on people I don't know like this, and it's a gift to me and means more than i could ever express.
At this moment, and i really can't describe it any other way, God - or higher power (and i'm quite a non-believer actually, struggling with step 2) seems to be intervening.
My partner, basically "hit bottom" when i left her in the other state, and opened herself to letting God's will guide her, rather than her own will. This occurred on Tuesday. It's now Friday - this week, I have seen what I can only describe as miracles.
She has not said she wants to stay with me, but the level of anger/angst has been removed, and I actually see the person I have known all these years again. She has suddenly started communicating, talking to other people/friends, and recognized that although she is on step 7 in AA, she actually really hasn't worked the steps with her heart - she is starting over now.
We were going to tell our daughter about separation last night, and partner called and asked again that we put it off - we have come up with a "compromise" in the interim. I asked for our bedroom back, and suggested that we create a private space for partner (we have a pretty big house) - so this weekend, we are going to set up an office/meditation room/private space for her as a family. Going to tell the kiddo that mama needs her own space like the rest of us, and leave it at that. Partner is not totally "moving into" the space, may/probably sleep there - but that will be after our daughter is asleep.
For the first time in 7 weeks I am sleeping and feel that something bigger is in charge of this situation now - that brings me a lot of peace. I know her mood could shift again, but it's as if a huge veil of ugliness has lifted from our house - there has been an awful lot of "god" stuff going on here this week - would take too long to explain, but considering i'm more or less a non-believer, i'm starting to believe right now in that higher power.
It feels like my partner is now open to discussion, taking care of herself, and not acting in haste. We are slowing things down for the moment, much to my relief. Of course, this could change in a minute, but the way things have played out give me some hope.
BTW, I think one person posted on here about my sobriety - just as an aside - I am not an alcoholic or anything, just a partner of one!
Thankfully, even when my partner was acting her nuttiest, both of us were focused on our daughter, and even though she senses something is not quite right - we've both done pretty well with keeping this all from her.
We'll see how the weekend goes with the new room set up, and with new communication channels open. I don't know where this will all end, but the road, for the moment seems much less scary.
Will keep you all posted! I can't say how much I appreciate having a place to post things, get support, perspective, love and understanding. I never ever thought i would be able to lean on people I don't know like this, and it's a gift to me and means more than i could ever express.
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Well, I hope that works out. I am glad you are feeling relieved.
I have gotten a lot of yo-yo behavior in my partner, but yours might be different!
I look at my HP as Higher, Deeper Power. It is the Wisdom within that connects all life. The All reaching Love in the Universe that is life affirming. That works for me.
wife
I have gotten a lot of yo-yo behavior in my partner, but yours might be different!
I look at my HP as Higher, Deeper Power. It is the Wisdom within that connects all life. The All reaching Love in the Universe that is life affirming. That works for me.
wife
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You've already gotten lots of great insite; I can only give you some words from my own life. My AH constantly talked about finding other people to sleep with or leaving me. He always told me we had nothing left. I left one day without telling him I was going to leave; he acted totally shocked like that was never on his mind. I think it was all an emotional abuse thing. I think he used it thinking I would never really leave.
I want you to know I did it afraid. The first time I went to my lawyer's office I thought I was going to puke. (I felt faint and couldn't see straight) It took me 3 years from that day to really do it. I was still afraid even when I did; I was just ready. I didn't want to leave. I constantly wished I could just shut my eyes and it would all stop. But I kept thinking that at some point one of us had to take responsibility for our situation and what my kids where seeing. Unfortunately it was me. I'm much stronger now. I hope that helps. I'm really sorry for all your going through...
Hugs...
I want you to know I did it afraid. The first time I went to my lawyer's office I thought I was going to puke. (I felt faint and couldn't see straight) It took me 3 years from that day to really do it. I was still afraid even when I did; I was just ready. I didn't want to leave. I constantly wished I could just shut my eyes and it would all stop. But I kept thinking that at some point one of us had to take responsibility for our situation and what my kids where seeing. Unfortunately it was me. I'm much stronger now. I hope that helps. I'm really sorry for all your going through...
Hugs...
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