my first post after reading this site for months
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 3
my first post after reading this site for months
I've never had the balls, or whatever, to post on here. I guess by posting you have to admit certain things about yourself that I haven't been ready to admit. So it's kinda scary. I've read enough on here to know you all know where I'm coming from.
I've been taking prescription pain meds for the last 5 years on and off. I wouldn't say I lost anything, or had any friendships or relationships hurt by it until recently. I know right now, I have no stable living situation or job because these pills have taken a front-stage to almost everything in my life. I've always been able to put them down when I had to, I've got 3 kids and didn't take anything while I was pregnant with them. But in between being pregnant I always got the urge to use them again. I guess because I could morally do it and not be harming anyone but me for the first time in 9 months, and I made plenty of other excuses too.
This last time I picked them back up, I guess, the last relapse, it's the scariest. I don't know where to go and I don't know who to talk to. I tried to go to a crisis center where they will find you therapy or things of that nature if you have drug or mental problems, but the interface wasn't friendly and I of course got too scared to go back.
Everytime I try to stop using I get sick and give in after a few days. I haven't even had the will to quit on my own, just when I don't have the cash. I have wasted thousands on this crap, I can't stop. I was in a relationship with a guy for 3 years, and even though I think he was no good for me in many many ways, I think that the drugs are what killed it for real. I know he loved me truly, we have 2 children together... but I lied to him so much he stopped trusting me, and it lead to a lot of other issues. He never understood the drug addiction thing, and he always put me down for it, so I know he was no good for me, really, but he was just ignorant to the mental part of it I think. I don't know...I'm rambling, how do you stop? and yeah, I'm ready to stop. I used to be a good mom, a wonderful friend, and a good girlfriend. Now I feel like I'm none of that. help?
I've been taking prescription pain meds for the last 5 years on and off. I wouldn't say I lost anything, or had any friendships or relationships hurt by it until recently. I know right now, I have no stable living situation or job because these pills have taken a front-stage to almost everything in my life. I've always been able to put them down when I had to, I've got 3 kids and didn't take anything while I was pregnant with them. But in between being pregnant I always got the urge to use them again. I guess because I could morally do it and not be harming anyone but me for the first time in 9 months, and I made plenty of other excuses too.
This last time I picked them back up, I guess, the last relapse, it's the scariest. I don't know where to go and I don't know who to talk to. I tried to go to a crisis center where they will find you therapy or things of that nature if you have drug or mental problems, but the interface wasn't friendly and I of course got too scared to go back.
Everytime I try to stop using I get sick and give in after a few days. I haven't even had the will to quit on my own, just when I don't have the cash. I have wasted thousands on this crap, I can't stop. I was in a relationship with a guy for 3 years, and even though I think he was no good for me in many many ways, I think that the drugs are what killed it for real. I know he loved me truly, we have 2 children together... but I lied to him so much he stopped trusting me, and it lead to a lot of other issues. He never understood the drug addiction thing, and he always put me down for it, so I know he was no good for me, really, but he was just ignorant to the mental part of it I think. I don't know...I'm rambling, how do you stop? and yeah, I'm ready to stop. I used to be a good mom, a wonderful friend, and a good girlfriend. Now I feel like I'm none of that. help?
..
Owner of a strange glitch.
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: midsouth
Posts: 2,331
Welcome L1th1um...
Far as help, I'm not the expert, but...
Detox.... or just stop and grab on to some support when you do so that you stay stopped. Have you considered going to an NA meeting or something along those lines?
Also, it would be good to talk to your doctor about this.
Again, there will be more and probably better advice to follow... I'm just up late.
Take care and be safe,
TB
Far as help, I'm not the expert, but...
Detox.... or just stop and grab on to some support when you do so that you stay stopped. Have you considered going to an NA meeting or something along those lines?
Also, it would be good to talk to your doctor about this.
Again, there will be more and probably better advice to follow... I'm just up late.
Take care and be safe,
TB
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,759
Your doctor may be able to help you detox safely and more easily than just going 'cold turkey'. Please seek medical help to detox from the pain pills and then your life can get better. We're here to give you support and information you need to live clean and free from drugs.
Welcome to SR!
Welcome to SR!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: fragmented
Posts: 84
I'm a mom of two little girls and I also got addicted to pain pills. It is no joke, huh?
What helped me was reading this board, starting to post and kind of training my brain to think about a different way to live. You will find posts about people living happy, healthy lives without drugs. It's like a view to the other side that we so need to see when we are struggling.
Please please stay here and read. Just that you wrote about your problem is a HUGE step and one you should be proud of.
What helped me was reading this board, starting to post and kind of training my brain to think about a different way to live. You will find posts about people living happy, healthy lives without drugs. It's like a view to the other side that we so need to see when we are struggling.
Please please stay here and read. Just that you wrote about your problem is a HUGE step and one you should be proud of.
dopeless hope fiend
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Here. Now.
Posts: 1,021
Opiates are also my drug of choice. They nearly ruined my life. A medical detox is much better than toughing it out. Then help of your choice would be a good idea. I do NA. Remember, we do recover. You're on the right path!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 3
I have been really going thru some major crap since the night I posted this thread, I was high and I was miserable... looking for a little help and I did come back and read your wonderful replies, but I was ashamed to post back because I kept getting high.
I was ironically google-ing something else and a link to this site popped up, so I thought I'd thank everyone for their encouragement that replied. Thank you, I'm gonna try to come back more often, I feel, now, that I'm coming out of this crazy fog... two weeks as of yesterday I'm clean, never thought I'd be able to do it, but I feel like I just said "eff this" finally, and I let myself get to the 3rd day (the day of being clean I always say it's too hard and end up calling the pill peddler) and I slept through it. I took a bunch of vitamins and some tylenol and pretended it was percocet lol and I was ok.
I still feel jittery.. the anxiety, I keep feeling like I'm supposed to be working toward some scheme to score some pills, that I find myself bored and feeling purposeless. I know they say to just get busy doing other stuff, but I am just trying to get to the point where my motivation comes back first... still feel crappy every morning, but just a tiny bit less each day. I couldn't even have written this a few days ago... I wouldn't write anything or talk to anyone when I was first withdrawing...wouldn't do jack ****. I'm sure it's normal and all. I really felt like the pills made me "good enough" or gave me some super courage to do stuff that I used to just do regardless. I. E. calling to make appointments, or shopping or... just everyday things normal folks do with or without a pill. It's scary to come back to the real world... I've been gone pretty bad for a long time, I am thinking about some kind of therapy or something, but I hate when you ask for help and they label you a drug addict, even when you're actually clean! Just having the courage to say "hey, I need some support without judgment" and getting judged, it kills me. I am a socially anxious person since childhood and I don't know if I can handle the idea of meetings, I'd really prefer one on one with a social worker- I have insurance also, thankfully. Does anyone have any suggestions how I could get the ball rolling on this? I feel like my biggest problem right now is the mental adjusting I need. I feel like without some guidance, I could easily end up back to the familiar only out of comfort.
It's just a scary new place right now, I don't know how to deal with it yet. I feel like it's a secret battle, too, no one seems to understand or to want to hear that I am an addict-as with close friends. Like they're in denial. Hell, I was in denial, now they are? But really, it's harder doing it alone, no one to cheer me on, no one even knows the silent pain I've been experiencing. Thankyou, I'll be back alot sooner this time. I appreciate your kind words and your wisdom!
I was ironically google-ing something else and a link to this site popped up, so I thought I'd thank everyone for their encouragement that replied. Thank you, I'm gonna try to come back more often, I feel, now, that I'm coming out of this crazy fog... two weeks as of yesterday I'm clean, never thought I'd be able to do it, but I feel like I just said "eff this" finally, and I let myself get to the 3rd day (the day of being clean I always say it's too hard and end up calling the pill peddler) and I slept through it. I took a bunch of vitamins and some tylenol and pretended it was percocet lol and I was ok.
I still feel jittery.. the anxiety, I keep feeling like I'm supposed to be working toward some scheme to score some pills, that I find myself bored and feeling purposeless. I know they say to just get busy doing other stuff, but I am just trying to get to the point where my motivation comes back first... still feel crappy every morning, but just a tiny bit less each day. I couldn't even have written this a few days ago... I wouldn't write anything or talk to anyone when I was first withdrawing...wouldn't do jack ****. I'm sure it's normal and all. I really felt like the pills made me "good enough" or gave me some super courage to do stuff that I used to just do regardless. I. E. calling to make appointments, or shopping or... just everyday things normal folks do with or without a pill. It's scary to come back to the real world... I've been gone pretty bad for a long time, I am thinking about some kind of therapy or something, but I hate when you ask for help and they label you a drug addict, even when you're actually clean! Just having the courage to say "hey, I need some support without judgment" and getting judged, it kills me. I am a socially anxious person since childhood and I don't know if I can handle the idea of meetings, I'd really prefer one on one with a social worker- I have insurance also, thankfully. Does anyone have any suggestions how I could get the ball rolling on this? I feel like my biggest problem right now is the mental adjusting I need. I feel like without some guidance, I could easily end up back to the familiar only out of comfort.
It's just a scary new place right now, I don't know how to deal with it yet. I feel like it's a secret battle, too, no one seems to understand or to want to hear that I am an addict-as with close friends. Like they're in denial. Hell, I was in denial, now they are? But really, it's harder doing it alone, no one to cheer me on, no one even knows the silent pain I've been experiencing. Thankyou, I'll be back alot sooner this time. I appreciate your kind words and your wisdom!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,372
Welcome back L1th1um67
Have you thought of some face to face support, a group like NA or SMART or something?
Sure, it may be difficult with social anxiety, but it may help more than not, just being connected and being around real live people who've been there and who understand?
D
Have you thought of some face to face support, a group like NA or SMART or something?
Sure, it may be difficult with social anxiety, but it may help more than not, just being connected and being around real live people who've been there and who understand?
D
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Call your insurance company or go to thier web site and see if they have drug addiction counseling, but just to prepare you, there is a high probability that they are going to suggest that you go to NA.
NA is like AA, just go to a meeting, grab a cup of coffee, & sit in the back & listen if that is all you feel like doing.
NA is like AA, just go to a meeting, grab a cup of coffee, & sit in the back & listen if that is all you feel like doing.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Originally Posted by L1th1um67 
But really, it's harder doing it alone, no one to cheer me on, no one even knows the silent pain I've been experiencing.
Mark
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 385
Originally Posted by L1th1um67
I've been gone pretty bad for a long time, I am thinking about some kind of therapy or something, but I hate when you ask for help and they label you a drug addict, even when you're actually clean! Just having the courage to say "hey, I need some support without judgment" and getting judged, it kills me. I am a socially anxious person since childhood and I don't know if I can handle the idea of meetings, I'd really prefer one on one with a social worker- I have insurance also, thankfully. Does anyone have any suggestionsB how I could get the ball rolling on this? I feel like my biggest problem right now is the mental adjusting I need. I feel like without some guidance, I could easily end up back to the familiar only out of comfort.
For starters....there is no such diagnosis as "drug addict." If you are indeed "addicted," the proper diagnosis is "dependent" as in "opiode dependence, alcohol dependence, heroin dependence," etc. And that is, when you think about it....true. I depended on my drugs to regulate my feelings, and without them I was just nuts...depressed, confused, anxious, full of shame, guilt, fear and doubt....not to mention a deep sense of self loathing.
I am a recovered addict/alcoholic. Not cured. I know that I can never use drinks or drugs again in safety....I will inevitably lose control once again, and every time it will be worse. So I will always be....until I die.....an addict. There is a HUGE difference between just being an addict and being a recovered addict. An entirely different way to live life. As I heard someone in an NA meeting say when I was new to recovery..."There's no shame in my game." Took me a while to appreciate that.
As someone mentioned, your insurance company can give you a list of mental health providers and their specialties. I recommend social workers (since I am one), and also agree that any therapist is going to also suggest a support group like AA, NA, SMART, Women for Sobriety or Rational Recovery. My own experience has been the tremendous relief of getting honest and letting go of my secrets....admitting my powerlessness over the drugs and that my life was truly unmanageable.
I am a member of AA, because I prefer the "feel" of that fellowship (it often appeals more to old folks like me). But I also occasionally attend NA. They are both 12 step programs where you will find the kind of loving support that right now is probably unimaginable to you. Something about folks like us who share a common,, life-threatening problem, coming together in a life-saving solution. This recovery stuff is something I could not do on my own, and I've know very few people who have been able to sustain real recovery without some sort of support. It's not impossible, but why not join those who have FOUND the solution....and just walk in their footsteps???
blessings
zbear
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