CashFan

I stuffed up my registration with my email, forgot an underscore in my email addy, but have fixed it, but had to change my username, Mods.
Well, after being married to a man for many years that was a binge alcoholic, and when he drank, he would belt me up, and do horrible, horrible stuff to my head, and our son's, I found the courage to leave, it was hard. I kept blaming myself, and I so loved this man. He was a jekyle/hyde. when he was good, he was very good, when he was bad, he was rotten. When a small child is involved, you have to run. It was a song by toni childs, that gave me strength to leave, I know it sounds dumb, but I would play it over and over, the song is called "Ive got to go now" . Funny how a song can become your best friend, especially when your family and friends give up on you, cos you keep going back, again and again, after they help you out of the big mess. Even the police here could not drum into me, after many phone calls from neighbours hearing the abuse and seeing me all bloody and bruised. ha, no sword is greater than the love of ones child, so thats how I got the strength to leave him. Son and I did very well on our own. We struggled hard financially, and we got thru. My son even went on and made a successful career for himself. then, I met another man. A lovely, caring man, a godsend, a smart and quiet man, who took me off my guard and i refell in love. my son calls him dad now. My son is 22 by the way, but when I met this man, he was 14. i married this wonderful man. I should have known the signs, maybe deep down i did and pretended I didnt. Well, my second husband is a full blown alcholic, not violent tho, but he is so far gone he has been told by doctor if he keeps drinking he will die. Now, i am working my butt off supporting him and I (son is out of home), he does nothing around the house, i do everything, work hard to support us, housework, yardwork, and he sleeps, drinks and *****. He has liver and pancreas involvement, his guts is this big swollen and hard ugliness, and his legs and chest and arms are like skeletons. he has severe diareah, so bad, he has lost control. I know he doesnt abuse me, but he abuses himself, I beg him to stop drinking, but he ignores me, his eye whites are yellow. I have found his "tip" where he hides his empty casks of wine, I found about 50. he hides i always find. He drinks a 5 litre cask of wine plus a day. he wakes up at 7am and drinks, all he does is drinks and sleeps. Drinks, sleeps and shytes. Im tired, im ashamed of myself for loving another drunk. Thanks for listening. Love leah

jcfollower

((((Cash)))),

Sooo sorry to hear of your predicament. I wish I had words of wisdom to pass on to you, but I have never walked in your shoes, I only offer a tenderhearted wish that you will gain strength from the many more wise and compassionate folks here at SR. Keep coming back--we are here for you! Not sure if you are involved in Alanon, but that would be a great support and resource for you as well. Take good care of yourself.

Love,

jc

CashFan

thank you jc for being here and reading my post. I would join alanon here, but i cant cos of small town, Im ashamed to say I hide everything now from family and friends, cept one friend, but she needs me more cos she lost two young sons, and i need to stay strong for her. One son of hers was murdered nine years ago age 19, and almost one year ago her other son hung himself age 21. But yeah, she is my bestie, and she knows everything about my second hubby, I just try to keep it all together, big weight off my shoulders tho just posting, thanks matey

Pelican

Hi Leah,

I am sorry that you are again in a situation with an active alcoholic. Your partner loves alcohol more than anything in his life. He has made his choice.

Be gentle with yourself and don't kick yourself too hard. You did not cause his addiction. The 3 C's are:
You did not cause it
You will not control it
You can not cure it

I have two ex-husbands. My recent divorce was from an active alcoholic. I stayed longer than I should have because I felt some shame for another failed marriage. I had some responsibility in that marriage ending, it was not all his fault. However, my desire for a better life outweighed my shame. I have learned to forgive myself and move on. Alanon meetings, SR and self-help books have guided me in my journey or recovery.

You will find support and information here. Alanon meetings are helpful for literature and face-to-face support.

(((leah)))

Still Waters

Cash,

If you could go and do or be anything you wanted, what would it be? I mean, if there were no shame, no lack of money, etc.....what would you do right now?

CashFan

thank you pelican, the three cs you posted
You did not cause it
You will not control it
You can not cure it

makes me cry, cos I know its true. I can not cure it is the hardest bit. Why when you love a man so deeply they chose to keep drinking. Hugs back at you, its so hard to leave.

CashFan

Still waters, i am closer to my dream. this is something I decided myself a year ago, I became a volunteer fire fighter, did all the training, and passed, now i am a fire fighter. My big dream is to become a forensic scientist. Thats what i want to be.

FindingPeace1

I know how hard it is to leave! I am not ready, yet, either.
What I am doing now is examining me. How I feel. What I want.
Allowing myself to envision (as Still is mentioning) what life I want.
Giving myself the self love that I have been trying to get from my AH.

I live in a town of 1000. Its a 2 hour drive to the nearest Alanon meeting.
Its worth it.

Also consider reading Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. Its a good start.

Still Waters

I don't see in there anything that indicates that he's a necessary component. You are working toward you goals, making positive steps.

Sometimes we have to remove the negatives in our lives, so we can continue to move in that positive direction.

FindingPeace1

I would also add it helps to figure out what you don't want.
What is unacceptable.
What is unreasonable.
What you will not tolerate.
I think we hide from this to avoid having to make change.
As my own list of things arises, I begin to see them in my partner and it helps me detach.

coffeedrinker

cashfan,

can you share what it is that keeps you where you're at? i think you already named the shame you feel....what else?

it sounds as if you have the weight of the world on your shoulders. as for al-anon, think about it this way:
every one else who attends al-anon also has some secrets, are also married or connected to an alcoholic. there is a code of silence in the al-anon room. it might be beneficial to have another real live friend who knows exactly what you are living with.

welcome to s/r, and keep coming back here. we will not judge you.

CashFan

I know still, and i am trying hard to focus on what i want. its hard tho, and yes, i know its another excuse. I work for peanuts as a cleaner, hubby lives off my money. this is my house, i paid the mortgage way before i married him, and still are doing so. he contributes nothing. He never did contribute financially, but he was very kind and loving to me, now he is too sick to even be nice to me. I have the pride that I did the fire fighting course, and I am gaining confidence, even tho its volunteer, yes i can further my dreams. I get tired tho and self pity myself, I do, I admit it, and get anger, but that vents back into beating myself up for making another stuff up for falling in love again. Thank you wife, I am taking in everything, thanks for being here too.

CashFan

I dunno coffee drinker why Im still where I am. There is alanon here, I might make that first step. im just ashamed that people there will blab and it goes back to my family, that i failed again. I dunno, I better go to bed soon, working in morning, its 1.20 am here, thanks so much for letting me talk. I will come back, thank you all ((hugs)) love leah

Insulated

Self Love is unconditional. Baby steps may start out as just a crawl to an Alanon meeting, but it's a start. You don't have to speak or anything. Just sit there. If he's drinking 5 liters + a day, 35+ liters a week, it's probable somebody somewhere knows in your town. May be the vendor selling the wine or the garbage recycling person. If you fear humiliation of exposure at a meeting, please reconsider. The meetings are designed to support you and help. Not judge or gossip.

geraldatwork

By all means go to the Alanon meeting in your area. Anonymity is the foundation of both AA and Alanon. I and others have shared very personal things at our local f2f meeting but we are all in the same boat and none of it leaves the room. Even if there was a big blinking neon sign announcing the meeting place and someone saw you walk in they wouldn't necessarily know why or who your qualifier was. It could be a friend, cousin, employer, neighbor that was causing you to seek help.
Gerry

harleyd101

Welcome Cashfan, welcome and please keep coming back. Your post made me cry....some for him, but mostly for you. Please stick around, there are many people here that seem to always have the words to get me through another day, and the experience, strength and hope is always uplifting. (((((hugs)))))

Learn2Live

Cashfan, Your post made me cry too. The life you are living with your husband is the same life my Mom is living with my Dad. He has become a nasty, drunk NOTHING; a dead weight that berates and throws things at her when he gets really immature. I don't know how old you are but this can go on for what will feel like forever. My Dad is 72. We thought for sure he would die at the rate he has been going at it, as far back as 20 years ago. I'm sorry that is the path he chose and continues to stay on. I wish I could change that for you.

Do it!! Start by telling this to EVERYONE you meet! Opportunities and ideas and information will start pouring in and that will help motivate you and give you incentive and possibly even lead you right into a way to get it paid for!

wicked

Cashfan,
Since you have already become a firefighter, this will be a piece of cake!
Wow! I am deeply impressed and I don't get impressed by alot (although I have seen strength in this forum that is incredible).
And do what LearntolLive said, when you are open to the possibities, the world will open up for you. A firefighter. Wow.
Beth

RollTide

CashFan,

Congratulations on being a firefighter. That is wonderful.

I had the same reservations as you on going to an AlAnon meeting in my small town so my first few meetings were in a city nearby. Once there I became comfortable enough to go to my local meeting. It is the best thing I could have done for myself.

Jadmack25

CashFan,
I went thru this daily wine binge with my DXAH, that is Dead X Alcoholic Husband, until the smells, language and disgust drove me to say "drink or our marriage" and he chose his drink. Actually he didn't think I would walk out on 27 years, and when I did, boy did the fur fly.

We had both been heavily involved in our town's business and charity life, so it was not a quiet exit for me, and his behavior afterwards caused me a deal of pain, but hey it ran out of steam eventually.

The 5 to 7 litres of wine a day took a big toll on him, and it soon became obvious to others that "my being a bitch" was not the reason I left.

He died last year, sober, only because the nursing hoe would not allow him alcohol, he could not get out of bed to get any, and his brain was too addled anyway to think about anything.

Do not feel you have to sentence yourself to caring for someone who does not care about himself, his health and body or for that fact, not even you.

Just because he has sacrificed himself on that alco altar, doesn't mean you jump on it with him. You have done wonders with your career and have dreams, so please go for them, and don't let your life be sidetracked by your AH's nightmare life drinking himself to death.

God bless