outtamyhead

So I've come here a few times over the years but never posted or let anything sink in (apparently). I married an addict, been together almost 15 years. Not that I understood what it was - even tho I am a child of an alcoholic & a social worker 'ta boot. Addiction is one thing i have always stayed away form (personally & professionally) but here it is slapping me in the face yet again.

My husband is actively using speed, what he used in the past. We've had years with nothing (that I know of) & over the past 3 years he's been escalating his abuse with a bout of Vicodin, another with ridalin, & now back to his original DOC speed (smoking this time not sure what he did before - tho he says he never used needles).

I am frozen in fear - no kids just me, him, a dog, & a cat so I could pack it in but I don't know how. Not just because of finances but also because thru it all I can't imagine life without him. He's always been a melow loving guy & this new person that has shown up over the past few months I just don't know.

He said he's been clean since Friday & wants off but won't go into rehab but MIGHT go to an NA mtg or 2. This is no commitment to sobriety, I know this & I know his head is messed up, but so is mine & i can tell thats a bunch of crap.

we had a loved one die in march 2009 & he says thats when he started with it again - he claims not to do it every day but i can't believe him.

My head & my heart hurt not sure what to do from here.

Ann

The person you used to know will slowly fade away into his addiction. Sadly that's what happens with this progressive disease.

It appears he has no intention of getting clean, so you may want to look at how you are living and decide how long you want to spend waiting for what may never happen.

We each move forward when we are ready, and if you are not ready now, it's okay to wait. You will know when you have had "enough".

What has helped many of us here are meetings. Nar-anon, Al-anon and CoDA are three similar fellowships that help us work on our own issues and regain our balance while learning to live our lives well. Meetings literally saved my life.

Keep posting here too, we are walking with you no matter what your choices may be,

Hugs

coffeedrinker

sometimes i think we try and rush into a decision. it's like we want to quickly stop the bleeding (and who wouldn't!?) just remember, as Ann said, there is no need to make big decisions right now, today. keep coming here, we'll support you in keeping your head on straight. we all understand.

rayofsunshine

Welcome to SR. You've read here before, so you know there's good information here. Read all the sticky posts at the top of the forum. Learn all you can about addiction so you know exactly what you're dealing with. I came here naive to addiction, actually looking for help for my AH but found help for ME. I was just as insane as he was. Their addiction can drive US crazy if we allow it.

The good news is we can learn how to find serenity and peace again. Keep reading and posting!!

hope213

welcome, i am so glad u found us. addiction is a terrible thing & all of us love someone who is addicted. it is my son with me. there is nothing u do to make him use & it is nothing u can do to make him not use. focus on yourself. learn all the things u can about addiction. if you choose to stay with him you will need them. things are only going to get worse unless he decides he wants to quit & it does not sound like it will b any time soon. i am sorry u r going thru this. keep coming back & let us know how u r doing.prayers for u both.

teke

HI, WELCOME TO SR.

sorry you have to be here but i'm so glad you are. you sound like you know that you need help for yourself just as much as your husband and that is a first step. like rayofshine, i came here looking for help for my ah(addict husband) of 23yrs and found that it was me who need the help. i too came here thinking i was insane, what a relief it was to find out that it was the effects of living with addiction for so long and that i was not alone. after 21yrs of waiting, hoping and praying, i had to separate myself and he was still using until recently, he used his way into prison. its up to you to decide how long you are willing to wait, you are not alone here.

i agree with the other posters. addiction is a disease of progression thats life long and recovery has to become a lifestyle. until your husband is ready to seek help on his own for himself and follow through with a commitment to recovery, his addiction will get worse.

i'm also a recovering addict with almost 8yrs clean, it took for my family to walk away from me, allowing me to suffer the consequences of my own actions. they allowed me to fall as low as i wanted to go, then and only then was desperate for help with a commitment to stay sober. today i'm totally grateful to them. i feel they gave me a chance at life by getting out of my way and letting me hit my bottom without their help.

try to keep the focus on you, he's gonna do what he's gonna do and there is nothing you can do to stop him. i'm sorry.

i'll keep you and your husband in my prayer.

sofacat

He said he's been clean since Friday & wants off but won't go into rehab but MIGHT go to an NA mtg or 2. This is no commitment to sobriety

You're right, that isn't a commitment to sobriety...but that's his choice. He just let you know where he stands on the issue...it's unfortunate, but it is what it is.

I am recently separated ( 1 month 2 days ) from my AH. I have been on the journey with him for 10 years now. It took Me this long to realize that The First Step isn't just for him...it's for Me too.

He may not be willing to work the program, but you can for yourself.

Glad you posted....you are reaching out and that shows you are ready for change.

Welcome to SR....this place and these people have really helped me through some of my darkest days. Try to find some meetings ( Alanon, Naranon) for yourself, and stay here with us....

We will help you along the way.

tchappy

In my opinion smoking "speed" seems to be the worst and most addicting form. But, that is just going off of my experience.

You asked "Which way is up?" on your post...well that feeling will get worse if he continues his use with smoking speed.

Please try and concentrate on yourself more than his addiction. I know that is hard to do, but it is something you will need to do to keep your sanity. I really hope he is serious and stays clean, but you really need to read everything you can and learn everything you can about addiction to be able to make a sound decision.

Keep reading here and reaching out because there is a TON of knowledge on this site. Good luck!

Hunny1116

You are in the right place! One thing I have learned from everyone at SR is what to expect and how to handle what is happening in my life. I read here about setting boundaries long before I actually set one with my AS (and stuck to it). Before, I was always surprised and felt lost, confused, and "frozen in fear" as you so aptly said when he started using again.

The first thing I read here was "What Addicts Do," the sticky at the top of this forum. I printed it out and keep it close at all times. There are alot of people here who are going through the same thing with their husband/wife/family member and are here for you.
Keep reading and posting.
Hugs,