Addicted to Alcaholics
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Addicted to Alcaholics
I sit here at the age of 29 wondering how I just turned and walked away from a love so powerful. A pull, a connection, that in such a short time grew so deeply. How I walked away so easily, when I have been with others with far less a feeling of love and compassion but with greater stress, dishonesty, anger, destruction and malice for great lengths at a time. Yet I walk. I walk from a good man, a loving man, a hard working man, a humorous man, a good father, with a wonderful heart and so much to offer myself, and the world.
How did I get here?
I grew up around alcohol and alcoholics. It wasn't until my fathers passing of cancer when I was 14 that I started to see. I started to see how powerful alcohol truly is and the damage, destruction and horrible pain it causes. Not just to the alcoholic, but to those who love the alcoholic or have their own addiction to alcoholics.
My father was never a "drunk". He could drink a case of beer and more, in a day and meet someone new and they would not have a clue that he even had one drink.
My father didn't start at drinking that much a day. It was progressive over his years to build that kind of tolerance. It started as a young adult as a couple a day, just to unwind. "Just to unwind". Anyone who has dated someone dependent on any substance has heard this too many times.
My mother tried to get him to stop, but in the end, went by the philosophy "if you cant beat em, join em". She realized that drink came first to my father and he would let nothing or no one come in the way of that. She knew, in the end that if it came down to it, he would chose alcohol over his wife and children.
The worst part is my father was a wonderful man. Stubborn and pigheaded, yes, but he had such a wonderful caring heart, and would go out of his way to befriend someone, especially the underdogs, take them under his wing and help them any way that was in his power to do so. It was as if he had given up on himself long ago, so he tried to give back a little in others. Perhaps that was the only way he could find any peace for himself and silence his demons at least for a short while.
While it was cancer that officially killed him, in my heart it was alcohol. The "A" monster had my father in his grasp so much so, that he would chose alcohol over his life long friends, his family, his wife, his children, me.......
So close to my dad, so much love for my dad, despite his monsters. But when you grow up and have such a close bond with someone, when you love someone, a parent who is your guide, the only guide(s) you know and love when that young, in the end for me I realized I also loved the alcoholic. It was not who he was. I know who my father was, and the beer was not him, but it's hold was so strong on him, and it was what I saw growing up, so in the end my love for my father encompassed a love for an alcoholic.
From that point, things went from bad to worse over the years in my life and relationships.
I never had a problem with alcohol dependency myself, as after my father passed, both my Mother and Brother hit the bottle pretty bad and I saw. I continued to see the damage alcohol did while having to basically raise myself, so I was able to avoid alcohol and a dependency for it because of this. But I didn't realize until many years later that while Alcohol never gold a hold of my body, it defiantly had me mentally and emotionally.
I had my fathers knack for caring. Caring to the point of self destruction. Putting everything into another, perhaps hoping to fix and help that person, but maybe more myself, and the pain I carry that I could not fix my father. The pain of knowing that my father had chosen drinking over his bond with his daughter and maybe, just maybe I could find some peace with my demons if I could fix another. Fix an alcoholic.
Over the years with the people I have been in relationships with, the longest term relationships being those dependent on alcohol, I have truly heard it all. The lies - when you can smell it on their breath, the bargaining and hope of change - that always lasts only a short while, the late nights with no calls or texts back - when you know what they are doing, the denial - when they can't admit they have a problem, the excuses - telling you why it's okay they drink as much as they do and it's not a problem, the ultimatum - this is who I am love it or leave it, Admittance - more often than not only when drunk but wont seek help, hope of seeking help - then they never follow through. This list truly goes on and on and anyone who has ever loved an alcoholic knows these heart breaks through and through.
The denial is probably the most classic and frustrating. This being because when you use the term Alcoholic, most people invision a hobo falling down drunk in the middle of downtown. They refuse to see that alcohol dependency comes in so many different forms. From the weekend drinkers, who don't touch alcohol all week but binge on the weekends, to those who drink once in a while but have to drink until they are drunk, to those who drink a couple everyday, to a lot everyday with or without getting drunk. You see the biggest thing an alcoholic fails to see (or chooses not to see) is that if alcohol has affected your life negatively, be it work, family, relationships etc, then alcohol is a problem, especially if you continue to chose the drink over people, responsibilities and priorities.
My Mother remarried another alcoholic, my step father, another good man behind the drink, who a few short years ago ended his life with one of his rifles to his face.
I have come to know alcoholics so well, I can truly smell them a mile away.
I came to realize a lot with a man I was dating a few years ago. He was the falling down drunk alcoholic. The one with false promises of change that would only last a few short days. Our relationship came to an end with his fist in my face. I had been through emotional abuse my whole life, from all kinds of relationships, including my own family, and while I had been thrown up a wall or two and had bruises on my arms from time to time from some of the men I had been with, being hit in the face was a first for me.
I realized I cannot change someone. It took me so many years to realize this. They have to want to change themselves and being with them only enables them. I was tired of being second fiddle to a drink. I was tired of having my heart broken. I was tired of being lied to. I was tired of broken promises. I was tired of giving so much of myself emotionally, mentally, physically, and getting nothing but heartache and stress in return. I was tired.
So then we come to now. an old friend reconnects. An old friend whom I loved long ago and had a connection with long ago, but due to circumstances of age, nothing had ever happened. A reconnection with possible hope.
I said earlier that I can smell alcohol dependency a mile away. This is true, and I did smell this almost immediately with him. But, like I also said earlier, while alcohol may not have control of me physically, alcohol can put me in just as big a denial as an alcoholic and make excuses.
So I made excuses. Even though I knew in my heart, from the comments of having drinks at lunch break at work, to hearing about him out at a bar after work to "unwind" every day. And of course the typical classics of "I don't have a problem", "I'm not addicted", "it's just to relax" "I don't get stupid drunk" "it's just a few". The classics that I have heard so many times before! But I made excuses, only to fall in love and realize once again that alcohol will/has and was chosen over me. More excuses, more denial, and in the end I am second fiddle once again.
I'm heart broken. I love him so much, even after only a short short time. But I know in my heart that I could tell him until I am blue in the face, how much his drinking hurts and he will continue to drink his "daily few". I know I can never change him, he has to (want to) change himself. I know I will continue to be hurt and in the end bitter if I were to stay.
He and I started as friends and that is probably a bigger regret as I have now lost a love and a friend.
But however heartbroken I am, I am proud of myself. Though I may still have started down the same old path, I was able to pull out quickly and save myself. And I was able to do this with someone I love more than I have loved before. With someone I have known since my father was still alive.
Alcohol is truly evil to me and my world. I wish people could understand just how much it can hurt and destroy hearts and lives. But people will only see what they want to see.
We all have our vices and addictions. And while I may not be an alcoholic in the typical terms, I do have an addiction that revolves around alcohol and it is something I will fight with my whole life. I hope to heal, and hope for fast healing for those with a dependency and those who love those with a dependency.
How did I get here?
I grew up around alcohol and alcoholics. It wasn't until my fathers passing of cancer when I was 14 that I started to see. I started to see how powerful alcohol truly is and the damage, destruction and horrible pain it causes. Not just to the alcoholic, but to those who love the alcoholic or have their own addiction to alcoholics.
My father was never a "drunk". He could drink a case of beer and more, in a day and meet someone new and they would not have a clue that he even had one drink.
My father didn't start at drinking that much a day. It was progressive over his years to build that kind of tolerance. It started as a young adult as a couple a day, just to unwind. "Just to unwind". Anyone who has dated someone dependent on any substance has heard this too many times.
My mother tried to get him to stop, but in the end, went by the philosophy "if you cant beat em, join em". She realized that drink came first to my father and he would let nothing or no one come in the way of that. She knew, in the end that if it came down to it, he would chose alcohol over his wife and children.
The worst part is my father was a wonderful man. Stubborn and pigheaded, yes, but he had such a wonderful caring heart, and would go out of his way to befriend someone, especially the underdogs, take them under his wing and help them any way that was in his power to do so. It was as if he had given up on himself long ago, so he tried to give back a little in others. Perhaps that was the only way he could find any peace for himself and silence his demons at least for a short while.
While it was cancer that officially killed him, in my heart it was alcohol. The "A" monster had my father in his grasp so much so, that he would chose alcohol over his life long friends, his family, his wife, his children, me.......
So close to my dad, so much love for my dad, despite his monsters. But when you grow up and have such a close bond with someone, when you love someone, a parent who is your guide, the only guide(s) you know and love when that young, in the end for me I realized I also loved the alcoholic. It was not who he was. I know who my father was, and the beer was not him, but it's hold was so strong on him, and it was what I saw growing up, so in the end my love for my father encompassed a love for an alcoholic.
From that point, things went from bad to worse over the years in my life and relationships.
I never had a problem with alcohol dependency myself, as after my father passed, both my Mother and Brother hit the bottle pretty bad and I saw. I continued to see the damage alcohol did while having to basically raise myself, so I was able to avoid alcohol and a dependency for it because of this. But I didn't realize until many years later that while Alcohol never gold a hold of my body, it defiantly had me mentally and emotionally.
I had my fathers knack for caring. Caring to the point of self destruction. Putting everything into another, perhaps hoping to fix and help that person, but maybe more myself, and the pain I carry that I could not fix my father. The pain of knowing that my father had chosen drinking over his bond with his daughter and maybe, just maybe I could find some peace with my demons if I could fix another. Fix an alcoholic.
Over the years with the people I have been in relationships with, the longest term relationships being those dependent on alcohol, I have truly heard it all. The lies - when you can smell it on their breath, the bargaining and hope of change - that always lasts only a short while, the late nights with no calls or texts back - when you know what they are doing, the denial - when they can't admit they have a problem, the excuses - telling you why it's okay they drink as much as they do and it's not a problem, the ultimatum - this is who I am love it or leave it, Admittance - more often than not only when drunk but wont seek help, hope of seeking help - then they never follow through. This list truly goes on and on and anyone who has ever loved an alcoholic knows these heart breaks through and through.
The denial is probably the most classic and frustrating. This being because when you use the term Alcoholic, most people invision a hobo falling down drunk in the middle of downtown. They refuse to see that alcohol dependency comes in so many different forms. From the weekend drinkers, who don't touch alcohol all week but binge on the weekends, to those who drink once in a while but have to drink until they are drunk, to those who drink a couple everyday, to a lot everyday with or without getting drunk. You see the biggest thing an alcoholic fails to see (or chooses not to see) is that if alcohol has affected your life negatively, be it work, family, relationships etc, then alcohol is a problem, especially if you continue to chose the drink over people, responsibilities and priorities.
My Mother remarried another alcoholic, my step father, another good man behind the drink, who a few short years ago ended his life with one of his rifles to his face.
I have come to know alcoholics so well, I can truly smell them a mile away.
I came to realize a lot with a man I was dating a few years ago. He was the falling down drunk alcoholic. The one with false promises of change that would only last a few short days. Our relationship came to an end with his fist in my face. I had been through emotional abuse my whole life, from all kinds of relationships, including my own family, and while I had been thrown up a wall or two and had bruises on my arms from time to time from some of the men I had been with, being hit in the face was a first for me.
I realized I cannot change someone. It took me so many years to realize this. They have to want to change themselves and being with them only enables them. I was tired of being second fiddle to a drink. I was tired of having my heart broken. I was tired of being lied to. I was tired of broken promises. I was tired of giving so much of myself emotionally, mentally, physically, and getting nothing but heartache and stress in return. I was tired.
So then we come to now. an old friend reconnects. An old friend whom I loved long ago and had a connection with long ago, but due to circumstances of age, nothing had ever happened. A reconnection with possible hope.
I said earlier that I can smell alcohol dependency a mile away. This is true, and I did smell this almost immediately with him. But, like I also said earlier, while alcohol may not have control of me physically, alcohol can put me in just as big a denial as an alcoholic and make excuses.
So I made excuses. Even though I knew in my heart, from the comments of having drinks at lunch break at work, to hearing about him out at a bar after work to "unwind" every day. And of course the typical classics of "I don't have a problem", "I'm not addicted", "it's just to relax" "I don't get stupid drunk" "it's just a few". The classics that I have heard so many times before! But I made excuses, only to fall in love and realize once again that alcohol will/has and was chosen over me. More excuses, more denial, and in the end I am second fiddle once again.
I'm heart broken. I love him so much, even after only a short short time. But I know in my heart that I could tell him until I am blue in the face, how much his drinking hurts and he will continue to drink his "daily few". I know I can never change him, he has to (want to) change himself. I know I will continue to be hurt and in the end bitter if I were to stay.
He and I started as friends and that is probably a bigger regret as I have now lost a love and a friend.
But however heartbroken I am, I am proud of myself. Though I may still have started down the same old path, I was able to pull out quickly and save myself. And I was able to do this with someone I love more than I have loved before. With someone I have known since my father was still alive.
Alcohol is truly evil to me and my world. I wish people could understand just how much it can hurt and destroy hearts and lives. But people will only see what they want to see.
We all have our vices and addictions. And while I may not be an alcoholic in the typical terms, I do have an addiction that revolves around alcohol and it is something I will fight with my whole life. I hope to heal, and hope for fast healing for those with a dependency and those who love those with a dependency.
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