ayb46

Hello everyone~

This will be a fairly long rant, so be forewarned!

I'm new to the forum, and have a problem that's most likely not unique. I've been sober nearly ten years (on 2/7). I've been with my husband for 26 years, married for 18 of those. We have two children, ages 16 and 14. My husband did not stop drinking when I did, and it took me a good long while in recovery to admit to myself that he also has a drinking problem. He is highly functioning~good job, no DWIs, no consequences, really, except for the fact that we will be filing for a separation/divorce in the very near future.

I love my husband with all my heart and soul, but he has been emotionally unavailable for a very long time. I've worked hard on my own recovery, but he has never acknowledged it in any meaningful way.

Two summers ago, when our daughter was 12, they went to visit out of town friends and spent the night. My daughter called me at 10:00 pm that night, crying and telling me she was very scared because "Daddy is so drunk, Mom! Can you come get me?" Up until that point, there had been alcohol in our home almost every day since I got sober. After that weekend, I talked with my husband and told him that I no longer wanted alcohol in our home, and that I had a right to be safe in our home. I told him that if someone felt he had a drinking problem, then it's a problem. Over and over gain in the last couple of years he has told me that what I think and feel is "only an opinion." I'd like to know at what point did my opinion stop mattering!

It has taken a lot of time and a lot of work with a therapist to finally come to really understand that there is no way that this is ALL of my fault. I read elsewhere on this forum about circular logic and crazymaking behavior~~that is my husband to the nth degree. My mother was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer in November, and that's when I realized that I can no longer go on with this marriage. Love or no love, all that crazymaking circular logic was absolutely devastating. We agreed that we need to take the steps to end our marriage. Since that time I've been in an enormous amount of pain, slogging through my days. I understand that there is no way around it, underneath it, or over it. There is nothing to do but go THROUGH it.

Two weeks ago, my husband orchestrated an event in which he utilized our 16 year old son as our designated driver I was going away for a couple of days to spend time with my mom, and left my husband a note asking him not to do that again. I also wrote that he is in complete denial about the ways in which his drinking has contributed to the ultimate downfall of this marriage.

He just does not get it. He is losing his family because of his alcoholism. It's breaking my heart.

After almost two years of him not drinking in our house, it's creeping back in; he was actually drunk last night. WTF???

Here's the deal: he never goes to bars, and he hadn't been drinking at home. He is an avid outdoorsman, and loves to go camping (which is a euphemism for drinking) any time of year. But I'm an alcoholic in recovery, and I know that even if he is only binge drinking, he is surely thinking about drinking ALL of the time. Which leads to the emotional unavailabiltiy, and so on and so forth.

I'm just trying to figure this out. You'd think I'd have a better handle on it, or at least be a bit more compassionate, but that's not the case. I guess I'm all done with that. It's the denial that's killing me, and it's the denial that will kill him eventually, one way or another.

Sorry for going on & on about this. After the "designated driver" incident, I feel a if I've come out on the other side. I feel so much better. I feel relieved. I feel as if Im making the right choices.

None of that stops the sadness, however. I wish my husband would wake up and smell the damn coffee.

Thanks for letting me share (VENT!)

Pelican

Welcome to Sober Recovery!

I'm glad you are here. You will find support and information for yourself here.

I am a double winner and you can be one too! There are lots of us here at this forum. I am a recovering alcoholic as well as recovery (ex)spouse of an alcoholic. I got sober but my partner did not. I didn't stay in marriage as long as you did. I left after I was sober 6 months. My spouse was spiraling downward rapidly. He has since gotten sober himself.

I know that you are hurting right now. You are grieving the loss of a relationship and it can affect you just like the death of a loved one. It is a type of death, death of what could have been. Mine felt like the death of my dreams.

You are doing what is best for yourself and your children. You are removing yourselves from the chaos.

I have found strength by reading and posting here, reading self-help books and by attending Alanon meetings. Please make yourself at home here, we're glad you found us!

coffeedrinker

ayb,

welcome to family and friends. i feel this is a terrific bunch of wise, wonderful folks, and we get to be "in this" together, and witness people's lives changing right before our eyes. it is quite inspirational.

sometimes just talking about or writing about the pain helps to acknowledge, and thereby, get through it. it's not easy OR simple, but get through it you will. many here have gone before you.

harleyd101

Welcome Ayb46! I too am a recovering alcoholic, and my exABF continues to drink. We have been together 9 years, five of them drinking together, four of them with me sober and he's been in and out of the program for those four years.

I know the difficulty with maintaining my sobriety while being with someone that is still using. I refused to be around him when he was drinking, but I was not able to seperate all the emotions that I felt everytime he would get sober for a month or two, then disappear again. It hurts, and I was never able to harden myself so that I wouldn't get hurt when he left again. I also experienced the emotional unavailibility, which preceeded every relapse.

I went NC (no contact) six weeks ago. I found it very difficult at first, yet it seems to get easier as time goes on. I am grateful that we don't live together, and I would find it very hard to detach as I have if we lived under the same roof.

Keep coming back and posting. There is so much wisdom here, a long with experience, strength and hope. Hugs!!

ayb46

Thank you for the warm welcome and the wise replies.

A year ago, there was no way I would have considered leaving. There were so many reasons why: we can't afford a divorce/separation, the children, my lack of self worth, etc.

Now there is no way that I won't leave! I have clarity that I didn't have before. With or without him and his financial support, my life is worth so much more than what I have right now.

With my new clarity I can see where I have stuffed the ME part of me; how different we are, and how fearful I've been of being me. I can't really talk about anything with him for fear of being ridiculed for my beliefs. Of course that's couched in affection, haha.

I am perfectly fine with who I am and what I believe and what I think.

I'm applying to graduate school.

Once our divorce/separation is final, I am going to get a tattoo!!

My future, once so bleak, looks pretty bright.

And yes, there is a lot of grief in my life. I do mourn what could have been with my husband. And I'm not sure how much longer my mom will be around. But I know that I will be OK, no matter what.