Ceres

I've been completely going out of my mind. My husband may or may not have health issues. He was addicted to Percocets/vicoden for three years. Been sober(?) for nearly three years. He did meetings for 8 months and then decided it wasn't for him. Okay, that is fine. But, here we are. He's moody, has aches and pains, and trouble sleeping. Looking back, it's been a slow progression. This is what he was while using!!

Now, the other day we were in the store and his pupils were tiny. I was looking at other peoples and my own to see if it was just me. No, they were small. Yet here I am STILL thinking it was just me. That I'm paranoid.I have no intention of sitting around with my head up my but like last time. At the same time, being a recovering alcoholic myself, I know I AM a tad crazy. Which is why I feel like Jekyll and Hyde regarding all this.

I'm so tired of my brain switching sides three to four times a day.

Since his "medical condition" seems to be mimicking percocet addiction symptoms. I say, hell yeah - He needs a test. So, I did ask him. What I wanted to say was "Hey, I know you work hard and that you're not feeling well. For my own peace of mind, will you take a drug test?".

What came out was: "Do, you think I'm stupid! You're using again."

So, he said he'd take the test - But then afterwards he'd be gone.

Teggie

Trust what your gut is telling you.

Trust what his actions are telling you.

Set some boundries for yourself, decide what is acceptable to you and what isn't. Then decide what the consequences will be if/when he breaks those boundries.

Detach yourself from his disease, you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.

Whats your next step if the test is positive? Take control of your life and your sanity. Educate yourself, read the stickies on top of this forum, get into some narcanon or alanon meetings, post and vent here. Start the process of reclaiming your sanity and your soul.

So he'll take the test but then he'll leave he says, Sounds like a manipulative attempt to get you to back off. If he's really clean he has nothing to worry about right?

I wish you serenity, I've been there, beleive me.

Hugs,
Teggie

outtolunch

You already know he's using again. He knows he's using again. Now you have this need to prove to him that you know, what he knows.

Putting aside, for a moment, his threat to leave, if you test him, how does positive proof change anything?

Ceres

Thank you.

I did try alanon meetings. My experience was just weird. I go to AA meetings. I felt like I didn't belong. That I already had a program. Boundaries was a new word. AA doesn't use that word. ;-) I guess it's time to give them another whirl. My sponsor and AA friends have nothing to give me. As I've been HERE for a long time now I guess!!! Seems I found a hampster wheel.

Outtolunch:

It boils down to this I guess: If he's using, GREAT. We can work on that. Can't work on something he won't acknowledge. He's a well seasoned liar. He'll lie to his grave if not caught. I don't want to be married to it anymore.

If it's not drugs, GREAT. I can put forth effort without the back of my mind telling me I'm wasting my time.

Positive = Rehab (again) Followed up by a program (again).
Negative = A big apology

Ceres

This is so insane. Two hours from now I will be ashamed I ever wrote this, and regret it completely.

teke

i don't understand why you will feel ashamed later. try not to second guess yourself, you need to know what you need to know, so you can feel better. thats nothing to be ashamed of imo.

it kind of made me smile to hear him accusing you of using just because you asked him to take a test. seems like he tried to shift the blame a little, don't it?
about testing, no i've never ask my ah to take a test for me because i knew he knew many ways to fake pass one. your husband is to take one this afternoon, are you sure he don't know tricks to pass them too?

i agree, go with your gut and continue to put the focus on you. if he's using, he won't be able to hide it much longer. time will tell you what you want to know.

Ceres

Thanks Teke, That must have been quite the soap opera to have figured it out.

I was an addict, before I met my husband - years ago. The addict in me says, keep your mouth shut and make it a surprise. Otherwise, he'll be drinking water all friggin day and scouring google for passing tips.

So, next course of action is speaking with a lovely woman from this forum who I found wrote insightful posts. I sent her a private message and she replied with a phone number. I have to treat this Narcanon<sp?> issue like I treated my own recovery.

Do what's suggested.


<sigh> I love recovery people. :-)

teke

alizerin, just so you'll know, i'm a recovering addict too. heyyyy thats what addicts do!!!!!!LOL

ElegantlyWasted

Sad how it works... Just discontinuing use does not make most addicts better and accordingly relapses are more frequent than not. It takes time effort, and strength to change into something better on both your parts. Instantaneous "conversion" experiences do not happen for most and a whole set of new behaviors/habits needs to be cultivated and assimilated into ones MO. Best of luck on your journey and go with your gut as a starting point, the rest should fall in place with a little work.

Ceres

Elagantly - Well said.

I've made quite a transformation. physically and mentally. I no longer resemble the alcoholic that I was in appearance or thought. I had quite a change.

He didn't. Nada. zip. - A part of me thinks he outta/should be a little different. But maybe that's because I'm comparing him to me.

Maybe it's just naive. But how can a miserable addict be the same creature once the drug is removed. I can't wrap my head around that one.

Ceres

Maybe it's just naive. But how can a miserable addict be the same creature once the drug is removed. I can't wrap my head around that one.

I need to expand on that:

Physical attributes I guess. Wouldn't one look a little better, have a little more energy. Hell, I'd go so far as to say they'd almost have look a lot better.

teke

don't know if you are expressing a little humor here but it sure feels like it to me. i'm so sorry but i sense that you are gonna be just fine.

Ceres

"don't know if you are expressing a little humor here but it sure feels like it to me"

Of course, we're the same. ;-)

I had my phone call. Can't expresss how it helped me. I feel like my marbles arn't spinning out of my head. They're just rolling a bit.

Agree or disagree my plan is this:

Chances are he's not thinking I'm actually going to test him tonite as it's been just a threat in the past - I've quickly cowred and slinked away. So, We have a serious communication issue <--- We don't. (therapy would be good but if drugs are involved, I see it pointless).

I'm going to write him a letter and read it to him in the car that will end with us then driving to a drug testing facility. He doesn't get home until after 8:30 So, it might be a late night. He may say no. But, I don't think he will. If he says no, then it's off to his mothers.

I was going to post the letter for critique, but opted out. ;-)

Ceres

Anvilhead: "i do need to share that i'm not one in favor of having to TEST another adult to see if they are "behaving"."

I understand that. I'm not sure I'd call an active addict an adult at all. But seeing as I don't know than I don't know.

"pee into a cup in order to PROVE to me that they are still WORTHY of my trust is how i want my relationship to operate"

Me niether, But seems to me we are playing by different operating rules here. We're both ex-addicts/alocoholics. I'll do what I can to help him and help our relationship. Hopefully, this test will help us. But, maybe it won't.

Somethings wrong.

Ceres

"into full out geek mode so there is no way he could "get away with it" - hell, you know those 5 hour energy drinks? he gets all jacked, jaw gets going, etc., so there just ain't no hiding it."

Hah, I know. I wish his drug of choice made him start to grow a third eye or something.

<sigh> I Wish I could magically have all this crap out of my life and head for good.

Ceres

Ugh, I see your point. But then the other person on my shoulder says:

He should have thought about humiliation before he tried to secretly detox two years ago and **** in the kitchen sink.

sofacat

Tiny pupils, dark room...dead giveaway. It never ever fails...no need to pee in a cup, just turn down the lights. Easy breezy and no bodily fluids needed.

Ceres

Yeah, I only noticed the other day. Isn't it kinda subjective? Like depends how high one is? I could get three girlfriends to come over and take a look and offer opinions. ;-)

Ceres

Yes, of course. At least I try to talk about it. He immediately gets MAD and points the finger at me. You're psycho.. I'm tired of this Sh*t" etc... Mind you I've only asked and expressed worry three times including this one in two years.

This time I blurted it out. Last time this happened months ago I was very, very nice.

<memory boost> I tried to have a conversation three weeks ago but before the light bulb finally came on. Just trying to talk because he was being so, so grumpy. Same nasty resistance. I didn't ask about drug use 'cause it didn't dawn on me just then that it could be an issue. He tried to be very nice the next day and whole next week. But, it seemed fake. I didn't think he loved me anymore and that was it. Honestly, I don't think that's it. I think that's a side effect. But I'm prepared if it's not.

sofacat

What I wanted to say was "Hey, I know you work hard and that you're not feeling well. For my own peace of mind, will you take a drug test?".

What came out was: "Do, you think I'm stupid! You're using again."

I never really could figure out how to be eloquent in my approach either.
Inevitably I would always go into "attack" mode.

As far as his pupils are concerned, I really doubt he has counted how many he can take before they get tiny, and is rationing them that way. It will come out eventually...you know this. Your gut is telling you everything you need to know, i just hope you have a solid plan in place for yourself when the sh!t hits the fan.

Congrats on your sobriety...it's the most important thing.