john0000

Hi all.

Have been struggling with drinking for several years now to the point where I hate myself and could quite easily hurt myself.

I am 34, have a brilliant son who is just 2 and i can't bear the fact that he will eventaully see me as a drunken crying mess. Although I don't drink while he is awake as soon as he goes to bed me and his dad are immediately drinking.

i am completely anxious and know that i need to stop (i did stop when pregnant but old habits crept back) i can never have just a couple I always have to go over the top and I completly envy anyone that can. I feel so bad today after last nights drinking that I have been for two glasses of wine for lunch. It has not made me feel any better and i have the whole afternoon in work.

I really need to give up and get my life back on track. I feel like such a bad mother, tomorrow must be day one!!

tkdan

Welcome to SR. You do not have to continue this pattern of living. If you are truly sick of it there is a solution. Coming to this site is a good start. Keep coming back and posting, and reading. You will find many here that have been exactly where you are at.

Anodyne

Welcome to SR (:
Your nervousness, shame, and anger with yourself are things many of us have dealt with/lived with and been through. It can be a very unpleasant cycle, with those feelings being made all the worse for thinking "I can't believe I did it -again-!"

I empathize with the envy, I personally spent a long, long time bound and determined that I would get my addiction 'managed' and be able to drink like a 'normal' person.

As tkdan said, there IS a way out, a positive way. Keep coming back, don't give up on yourself!

RacerX

Hi There!

First, welcome to SR and although you might not realize it right now, you've taken a very big and very positive step by posting what you're going through on this board.

Although I am a male, I can empathize with your feelings. I was a magnum bottle of wine drinker every day for the past year. I am now on Day 13 of being sober and let me just tell you that if I can do it, anyone can do it.

I know we are all different, but here are the steps I took to getting sober and finding life again:

1. Therapy - I went to a therapist that specializes in alcohol abuse. He has been an amazing rock of support and was the first one to really get into my head that there is Hope.
2. Psychiatrist - My therapist led me to a psychiatrist who also specializes in alcohol abuse recovery. She was able to help my physical condition with non-additictive medications to help me through the first days of withdrawals.
3. AA - This, to me, is the most important step. My psychiatrist let me know that she would help me physically but, if I was to have any chance of staying sober, I had to get in a 12 step program with others who would understand me. This has been my saving grace. I go to 2 meetings a day and I can say that AA has been what has kept me sober.

I wish you the very best of luck. Please know that you are not alone and Hope is right in front of you if you'll just take the steps to get there.

God Bless,

RacerX

least

Welcome to SR! We are here to support you in your desire for a sober life. Being sober will simplify your life and eliminate a lot of risk and regret. If you stop drinking now you will never have the problem of your child seeing you drunk/drinking and out of control. Congrats on your decision to get sober. I wish you well.

Anna

Welcome!

Guilt and shame are a big part of addiction and so is anxiety. Don't let the negative emotions prevent you from recovering and keep you hooked on alcohol. You can live a sober life and we are here to offer support.

john0000

Thanks all, just can't wait to get home and get this day finished. I always start with the best of intentions at the beginning of a week but by Thursday I am "treating" myself and Saturday evenings it all goes wrong. I just don't understand why i do it when I hate the way that it makes me feel. i may as well have written off yesterday and today and that is such an unbelieveable waste.

Why is it so hard to give up something that i hate in so many ways!! I just feel so stupid and useless.

RacerX

Alcoholism is a disease just like any other but with one difference. Alcohol is the only disease that will continue to tell you that you don't have a disease (I heard this in a meeting and it really stuck with me).

The great news is that it is treatable - on a day-by-day basis. I'm not saying it's easy, but it is very doable if you want to be free of your sickness.

I hate it as well. That said, give me a drink and it's like a starter's pistol is going off at the beginning of a race. I'm going to continue to drink until there's nothing left TO drink. That's the disease I know as alcoholism.

FWIW, I've been reading a book that I think is absolutely great at explaining what is going on and how to get help. It's called "Healing The Addicted Brain" by Harold Urschel. He's seen as a real pioneer in taking the next step to alcohol recovery and was even highlighted on CNN. Again, take it or leave it but it has helped me out in what is going on inside of my brain and has really helped me take a big step in dealing with my guilt and shame.

Lot's of prayers and love going out to you.

RacerX

Tazman53

First of all, I spent many years feeling the same way. I really want to encourage you to seek some professional help in regards to wanting to hurt your self. It is VERY important that you let the professional know about your drinking.

He does not need to see you that way, all 6 of my kids did see me that way sadly, but thier fear/shame and despising having a father who was a drunk have all vanished now because I found a solution for my life and my drinking problem. I found that solution in the fellowship & program of AA.

I would suggest right after you see a doctor and get totally honest you check out AA, what do you have to lose? A drinking problem? What do you possibly have to gain? A solution for life and a drinking problem along with making sober freinds?

If you find AA is not to your liking there are other recovery programs as well. There is no reason to fight this alone when you are not alone.

Ceres

Look, it's my twin. ;-)

I used to wait until bedtime too. Then somehow bedtime got earlier and earlier. Eventually it turned into having just one drink or two drinks before his bedtime, etc...

I felt so guilty that I exhausted myself from trying to be Supermom the rest of the time. I see now, all that exhaustive work only had me at mediocre at best.

Sounds like you're on your way. I didn't have the insight til much later.

"Why is it so hard to give up something that i hate in so many ways!! I just feel so stupid and useless."

Everyone here was/is in the same boat. The big hurdles are right in front of you. After those are crossed it gets much easier. I might have a craving now and then, but it's really just an annoyance rather than obsession. It will go away. Just place one foot in front of the other and do what's suggested. Which usually starts out with meetings and reaching out.

john0000

thanks for all the comments - I know that I should go and see someone and / or AA but I'm terrified of seeing someone I know!! Trying to not go to the shop to get some wine "take the edge off" I can't imagine my life carrying on like this with drink but can't imagine my life without it. I am going to have to speak to my friends and ask them for their help I think, but it will be so embarrasing admitting I have so much of a problem.

Ceres

Good place to start. Actually talking to ANYONE. These things tend to be much less traumatic then our crazed little heads will have us know.

Solitude is the enemy.

Valleyd

if you see someone you know at an AA meeting then guess what? they are there for the same reason you are!

isittime

Except I also didn't even wait for bedtime. I am ashamed at all the drinks I had during the day. It's actually even embarassing writing it here on an anonymous forum. I have been living a lie for so long but I really want out. Anyways, hang in there, know you are not alone.

john0000

isiittime, i know exactly how you feel and just feel completely embarrassed that I am in this situation. I managed to not go and get a bottle of wine last night so one step - my problem will be the weekend especially when my other half decides he wants a beer.

Alizerin I know what you mean but have no idea how would even begin to talk to someone about it. I am a closed book when it comes to letting people in unfortnately.