comparing men and relationships
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
comparing men and relationships
Over the weekend, I realized I am attracted to another man.
Not going to act on it. Have too much work to do: on myself, in general and mostly am uninterested. Don't want a relationship, or to date, right now. Too freaking busy.
But this is the realization that I actually respect another man. Don't know a lot about him, and he's not my "type" which apparently is hunky, very pretty and a screaming alcoholic or some other type of biological dysfunction.
This man is calm, always, brilliant, humble and an attorney. He's a leader in the movement I work in. I"m sure a bazillion women have crushes on him. He and I worked closely a few times over the weekend at a conference, presenting and working on a few articles and I realized, wow, here's someone at least as smart as I am, with way more in common with myself than AH ever had.
I picked AH because subconsciously I knew he would betray me. So I could try to master that piece of my childhood. That's obvious. And old news
My question is, if you're divorced, and have found a different, wonderful, healthy relationship (Hint hint GL and Live and any other old timer here)
what were those initial steps like?
How did it feel when you met him?
How did he treat you?
Did you see the dramatic difference between him and your A?
I know as I respect myself more, I will find friends and lovers who do as well. It's an exciting prospect.
Not going to act on it. Have too much work to do: on myself, in general and mostly am uninterested. Don't want a relationship, or to date, right now. Too freaking busy.
But this is the realization that I actually respect another man. Don't know a lot about him, and he's not my "type" which apparently is hunky, very pretty and a screaming alcoholic or some other type of biological dysfunction.
This man is calm, always, brilliant, humble and an attorney. He's a leader in the movement I work in. I"m sure a bazillion women have crushes on him. He and I worked closely a few times over the weekend at a conference, presenting and working on a few articles and I realized, wow, here's someone at least as smart as I am, with way more in common with myself than AH ever had.
I picked AH because subconsciously I knew he would betray me. So I could try to master that piece of my childhood. That's obvious. And old news
My question is, if you're divorced, and have found a different, wonderful, healthy relationship (Hint hint GL and Live and any other old timer here)
what were those initial steps like?
How did it feel when you met him?
How did he treat you?
Did you see the dramatic difference between him and your A?
I know as I respect myself more, I will find friends and lovers who do as well. It's an exciting prospect.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I'm not divorced because I never got married but I've been in plenty of relationships. The first relationship I was in with a healthy person: I did not realize he was healthy until later in the relationship. I was still rather unhealthy in my thinking and perceptions and beliefs about what a relationship is "supposed to be like." I would interject my illness and fears and panic and drama all over the place. Of course he did have some unhealthy thoughts, beliefs, behaviors also, but over all, he was and is one of the healthiest people I have ever known.
The relationship evolved into major disappointment for me, strangely, because the kind of relationship I wanted and demanded, the ways in which a man could treat me that I believed indicated the man loved you, did not appear. He did not do the things that other men had done that I thought meant they were attracted to me, loved me, etc. It is weird, really, looking back on it. What this man had that none of the others had were true caring for me as a person and healthy balance in his life. He ate well, exercised, worked EVERY day even when he was not feeling well, interacted with family on a weekly basis, maintained a strong, loving relationship with his Dad, participated in team sports with other guys, had lots of male friends who are not alcoholic or drug-addicted with whom he did social things, went to college and developed his mind and intellect, etc. Pretty much did all the things each and every one of us should be doing to maintain health and balance in our lives.
The relationship eventually evolved into one where he taught and encourage me regarding some things I needed to get balance (eat salads and veggies, exercise, etc). And I taught and encouraged him in getting education and furthering his career possibilites/future. I knew I needed to end it when I saw that my UNHEALTHY ways of thinking had rubbed off on him. Then is also when I realized the power we ALL have to influence other people, both negatively and positively.
The main difference I noticed in alcohol related behavior between this non-addict/non-alcoholic and the alcoholic/addict, is that he could go to a bar to just hang out with friends, and not drink at all. He could be designated driver and had no problem going at 6PM, have one drink, and then not drink the rest of the night. The main difference is that they were alcoholic and he was not. Sounds dumb, I know, but that's the only way I can think to explain it.
The relationship evolved into major disappointment for me, strangely, because the kind of relationship I wanted and demanded, the ways in which a man could treat me that I believed indicated the man loved you, did not appear. He did not do the things that other men had done that I thought meant they were attracted to me, loved me, etc. It is weird, really, looking back on it. What this man had that none of the others had were true caring for me as a person and healthy balance in his life. He ate well, exercised, worked EVERY day even when he was not feeling well, interacted with family on a weekly basis, maintained a strong, loving relationship with his Dad, participated in team sports with other guys, had lots of male friends who are not alcoholic or drug-addicted with whom he did social things, went to college and developed his mind and intellect, etc. Pretty much did all the things each and every one of us should be doing to maintain health and balance in our lives.
The relationship eventually evolved into one where he taught and encourage me regarding some things I needed to get balance (eat salads and veggies, exercise, etc). And I taught and encouraged him in getting education and furthering his career possibilites/future. I knew I needed to end it when I saw that my UNHEALTHY ways of thinking had rubbed off on him. Then is also when I realized the power we ALL have to influence other people, both negatively and positively.
The main difference I noticed in alcohol related behavior between this non-addict/non-alcoholic and the alcoholic/addict, is that he could go to a bar to just hang out with friends, and not drink at all. He could be designated driver and had no problem going at 6PM, have one drink, and then not drink the rest of the night. The main difference is that they were alcoholic and he was not. Sounds dumb, I know, but that's the only way I can think to explain it.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Wild West, USA
Posts: 407
I knew I'd like the man who was my first (and so far only) post-divorce bf before I met him, because I'd read a fair amount of his writing on a social bulletin board first. He was just as intelligent, charming and quirky in person as he was in writing. 
Getting to know him, and being attracted to him, was the most fun I'd had in many years.
In most ways, this man could not be more unlike my alcoholic former husband. First off, he doesn't drink to speak of. He is convinced that he has some sort of negative biological reaction to alcohol, following a very bad experience as a teenager (to me it just sounds like he got alcohol poisoning, but who am I to argue). Better yet, he doesn't lie. It never occurs to him to hide from anyone who he really is. I'm not big on appearances either, but he takes the cake on that one. We saw eye to eye there, and I couldn't believe how easy it was to address issues when neither person's primary goal was to hide the truth from his/her self or the other person. I never got hysterically angry with him. My "anger problem" that my ex husband used to rag on me about disappeared when I was in a relationship with someone who was honest with me from the start. Funny how that works.
He treated me very well. He had unconventional ways of showing love sometimes, but he was very physically affectionate: not much on verbal expression, but full of hugs and body contact, whether it was sexual or not.
However, he had one major similarity to my ex: in a way, he wasn't emotionally available. Shortly after getting to know my bf, I concluded that he has Asperger syndrome (his near-complete inability to bs figured into this idea) and nothing that happened in the following 2 years changed my mind... even though he has lots of friends and likes physical contact, and is terrifyingly intelligent, he still has extreme difficulty understanding the ways in which other people are emotionally different from him. And they are, more than people are usually different from each other. He also has some other random traits that are associated with autism.
After awhile I recognized that I had chosen that unavailability deliberately; I wasn't recovered enough from my marriage to get totally emotionally involved, so I picked someone who wouldn't demand that of me.
In the end, though, he kind of did want more. He told me he wanted a closer relationship, but to me, he never acted like it-- it felt like he constantly needed more space, no matter what he said. I think this apparent disconnect is due to his Aspergerishness. With most people I rely heavily on nonverbal emotional cues to establish relationships. But I couldn't do that with him-- he's sort a deaf-mute that way ("entirely left brain," in the words of a mutual friend). I don't think he's really ready to look at it either, although he's sort of aware around the edges. So we are no longer dating.
But I owe this man a huge debt of gratitude. He poured love on me at a time when I really needed it, and it was free. I still think the world of him. It was hugely healing for me to be with a man who had self acceptance, who had something to give. Good karma and many blessings on A for what he did for me.
Getting to know him, and being attracted to him, was the most fun I'd had in many years. In most ways, this man could not be more unlike my alcoholic former husband. First off, he doesn't drink to speak of. He is convinced that he has some sort of negative biological reaction to alcohol, following a very bad experience as a teenager (to me it just sounds like he got alcohol poisoning, but who am I to argue). Better yet, he doesn't lie. It never occurs to him to hide from anyone who he really is. I'm not big on appearances either, but he takes the cake on that one. We saw eye to eye there, and I couldn't believe how easy it was to address issues when neither person's primary goal was to hide the truth from his/her self or the other person. I never got hysterically angry with him. My "anger problem" that my ex husband used to rag on me about disappeared when I was in a relationship with someone who was honest with me from the start. Funny how that works.
He treated me very well. He had unconventional ways of showing love sometimes, but he was very physically affectionate: not much on verbal expression, but full of hugs and body contact, whether it was sexual or not.
However, he had one major similarity to my ex: in a way, he wasn't emotionally available. Shortly after getting to know my bf, I concluded that he has Asperger syndrome (his near-complete inability to bs figured into this idea) and nothing that happened in the following 2 years changed my mind... even though he has lots of friends and likes physical contact, and is terrifyingly intelligent, he still has extreme difficulty understanding the ways in which other people are emotionally different from him. And they are, more than people are usually different from each other. He also has some other random traits that are associated with autism.
After awhile I recognized that I had chosen that unavailability deliberately; I wasn't recovered enough from my marriage to get totally emotionally involved, so I picked someone who wouldn't demand that of me.
In the end, though, he kind of did want more. He told me he wanted a closer relationship, but to me, he never acted like it-- it felt like he constantly needed more space, no matter what he said. I think this apparent disconnect is due to his Aspergerishness. With most people I rely heavily on nonverbal emotional cues to establish relationships. But I couldn't do that with him-- he's sort a deaf-mute that way ("entirely left brain," in the words of a mutual friend). I don't think he's really ready to look at it either, although he's sort of aware around the edges. So we are no longer dating.
But I owe this man a huge debt of gratitude. He poured love on me at a time when I really needed it, and it was free. I still think the world of him. It was hugely healing for me to be with a man who had self acceptance, who had something to give. Good karma and many blessings on A for what he did for me.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Hi transformie,
I could write a book about that strange transition period between being unwell (relationship-wise) and being well, but maybe this will be just as useful.
What were those initial steps like?
There were no initial steps. I met him through friends and wanted to be his friend. Not his rescuer, his trophy wife, his lil woman, his anything else, just his friend from minute one.
How did it feel when you met him?
Friends, like I said. I thought, "I really think it would be a shame to not see this person regularly on some level. He'd definitely add something to my life that I don't yet have enough of."
How did he treat you?
With dignity, true respect, true integrity on every level, and humor. After I got over my initial period of disbelief that there COULD be any men like this (LOL) then I really warmed up to that.
Did you see the dramatic difference between him and your A?
Yes. Know that my pattern had always been this: Wow, this relationship sucks. He lies to me, he doesn't treat me like a friend, he doesn't respect my worldview, I don't respect his choices. I think I'd better escape and find another. And the next one: Wow, this relationship sucks. He lies to me, he doesn't treat me like a friend, he doesn't respect my worldview, I don't respect his choices. Repeat. Repeat.
This time, my brain kicked in and it felt......different. And foreign. And scary, in a way, almost like he lived in a world that I could never hope to occupy.
He had normal parents. A loving family. No addictions. He's honest to a fault. He treated me with dignity, respecting my feelings and finding compromises that work for both. He was articulate about his feelings without grasping. He never clung. He had an entire life and wasn't looking for someone to complete it.
I had an entire life, at that point, and wasn't looking for someone to complete it.
But honest to god, I didn't think it was going to work out. How could it? How could he understand what it was like to walk through life as damaged goods? How could he feel my pain? How could he ever "get me" unless he was as damaged as I was?
He didn't have to be damaged, as it turned out. Over time I realized that I didn't f'ing want to be damaged any more, and the presence of this foreign "normal guy" in my life was helping me to lift myself up past my excuses and my head trips and my whining to a more dignified, self-controlled place.
If, at any step of the way, he had revealed himself to be bad for my life and my dreams, I would've dropped him in about seven seconds. He feels the same about me: if I'm adding to his life, we stay together. So far, so good (10 years in May)
So that's it, in a nutshell. Surrounding myself with ONLY healthy, self-assured, honest, dignified people helped me to become that too. I put the training wheels on with him.
I could write a book about that strange transition period between being unwell (relationship-wise) and being well, but maybe this will be just as useful.
What were those initial steps like?
There were no initial steps. I met him through friends and wanted to be his friend. Not his rescuer, his trophy wife, his lil woman, his anything else, just his friend from minute one.
How did it feel when you met him?
Friends, like I said. I thought, "I really think it would be a shame to not see this person regularly on some level. He'd definitely add something to my life that I don't yet have enough of."
How did he treat you?
With dignity, true respect, true integrity on every level, and humor. After I got over my initial period of disbelief that there COULD be any men like this (LOL) then I really warmed up to that.
Did you see the dramatic difference between him and your A?
Yes. Know that my pattern had always been this: Wow, this relationship sucks. He lies to me, he doesn't treat me like a friend, he doesn't respect my worldview, I don't respect his choices. I think I'd better escape and find another. And the next one: Wow, this relationship sucks. He lies to me, he doesn't treat me like a friend, he doesn't respect my worldview, I don't respect his choices. Repeat. Repeat.
This time, my brain kicked in and it felt......different. And foreign. And scary, in a way, almost like he lived in a world that I could never hope to occupy.
He had normal parents. A loving family. No addictions. He's honest to a fault. He treated me with dignity, respecting my feelings and finding compromises that work for both. He was articulate about his feelings without grasping. He never clung. He had an entire life and wasn't looking for someone to complete it.
I had an entire life, at that point, and wasn't looking for someone to complete it.
But honest to god, I didn't think it was going to work out. How could it? How could he understand what it was like to walk through life as damaged goods? How could he feel my pain? How could he ever "get me" unless he was as damaged as I was?
He didn't have to be damaged, as it turned out. Over time I realized that I didn't f'ing want to be damaged any more, and the presence of this foreign "normal guy" in my life was helping me to lift myself up past my excuses and my head trips and my whining to a more dignified, self-controlled place.
If, at any step of the way, he had revealed himself to be bad for my life and my dreams, I would've dropped him in about seven seconds. He feels the same about me: if I'm adding to his life, we stay together. So far, so good (10 years in May)
So that's it, in a nutshell. Surrounding myself with ONLY healthy, self-assured, honest, dignified people helped me to become that too. I put the training wheels on with him.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Missouri
Posts: 673
Trans my dear,
I have no clue how to answer your questions, because as you know, I'm not there. Just way to say HOORAY FOR YOU !!! IMO this is a HUGE step for you to even think about being attracted to another man other than your AH. So KUDOS to you, my friend! I think this is a big step forward.
Hugs!
Tigg
I have no clue how to answer your questions, because as you know, I'm not there. Just way to say HOORAY FOR YOU !!! IMO this is a HUGE step for you to even think about being attracted to another man other than your AH. So KUDOS to you, my friend! I think this is a big step forward.
Hugs!
Tigg
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
I think it is great that you can be attracted to another man. It took me almost a year to be.
Be true to yourself and honest. AH isn't the only man who can float your boat. That is good to establish. One less hurdle to cross.
Now you know that when you are ready, you will be able to be attracted to another man.
Be true to yourself and honest. AH isn't the only man who can float your boat. That is good to establish. One less hurdle to cross.
Now you know that when you are ready, you will be able to be attracted to another man.
Blu**ed Lines...A ClockWork SR
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: AZ
Posts: 2,529
Thanks for sharing L2L. I find your x inspiring as im trying to acheive a healthy balance in my life. It definitly a continuous journey with ups and downs. It's so true how both our positive and negative energy effects others we care about.
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
I LOVE all of these entries and can't wait to read them and digest them and respond. Working till Thrusday through but I just wanted to say a VERY YOUNG clerk at the grocery store just hit on me. It was flattering all right but made me wonder if I'm starting to put out "those" kinds of vibes again. Not needy, desperate or looking for someone to take care of me, but I have always been very (not sure how to say this appropriatly) but an energized woman..
I see this as a good sign. I'm feeling better about myself. Sexy. Not like a piece of crap like AH sees me as. He's a doorknob anyway.
I see this as a good sign. I'm feeling better about myself. Sexy. Not like a piece of crap like AH sees me as. He's a doorknob anyway.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Quote from trans: (( Not like a piece of crap like AH sees me as. He's a doorknob anyway. ))
Funny how we so often see ourselves as we believe others see us, and run round like headless chooks because of that. I did it and it made me miserable, and almost turned me into the actual being that I was accused of being.
Then I looked hard at where it all came from, and the lights came on for me; Looking thru the eyes of a mixed up A, I saw the world as blurred and unreal too, and then thought, "It is his view of me that is stuffed up, not me".
From then on I ignored any put downs as the work of the Alcohol demon, and took no more notice of the quacking.
Taking notice of the words of someone who sees thru blurred and warped eyes, and a near fried brain, is not a helpful exercise.
Go trans.
God bless
Funny how we so often see ourselves as we believe others see us, and run round like headless chooks because of that. I did it and it made me miserable, and almost turned me into the actual being that I was accused of being.
Then I looked hard at where it all came from, and the lights came on for me; Looking thru the eyes of a mixed up A, I saw the world as blurred and unreal too, and then thought, "It is his view of me that is stuffed up, not me".
From then on I ignored any put downs as the work of the Alcohol demon, and took no more notice of the quacking.
Taking notice of the words of someone who sees thru blurred and warped eyes, and a near fried brain, is not a helpful exercise.
Go trans.
God bless
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