Emeraldstorm

I don't know if you guys are familiar with the book called, "The Secret"? If not, you should pick it up. The secret refers to the laws of attraction. If you think positively then positive things will happen in your life and vise versa. If you are controlled by negative emotions then you will surround yourself with negativity.

Well anyway the reason I bringing this up is because something strange has happened. For the past week, I've been on here posting about my AH.

He was spiraling out of control for the 3rd time since we've been together. His drinking is always out of control, but sometimes it gets worse then ever. That's usually when I try to leave, but end up coming back when he promises he will never touch alcohol again. He goes back...but each time that happens, I feel him understanding that alcohol has complete control over his mind, body and soul. He still drinks anyways

Well yesterday he woke up throwing up blood. He said he never wants to drink again, he knows it has control over him, but he needs help. I told him if he starts to feel withdraw symptoms then we are going to the ER! I don't want him going back to the bottle....

I guess we will see what happens, I hope that he will quit drinking. He doesn't want to be like this anymore. He hates to feel anxious and bored, and thats why he drinks. I need him to feel calm and OK with himself so he can move up in the world. He is only 22 years old, I know he can do it. I just know....

I'm so much like my mother. Out to help people, especially alcoholics. She doesn't do that anymore, but my mother felt bad for my father. He already had a daughter when they got married, and my mom wanted to take care of them. He ended up leaving the family on my younger brothers 5th birthday. I was 7. He left for a women 19 years younger than him. She is an alocholic too. I never talk to my father anymore. In the begnnig they had joint custody and I would see my father on the weekends. We would spend the weekend with him and he would drink the whole time. He would bring his rum and coke into the van while driving us around. After a while I never wanted to go over there. He says things like, "How long am I going to have to keep paying for that one night." referring to me...He walks around high and mighty and puts down the people who are actually related to him. He lives in a fantasy world where my twin stepbrothers and stepmother are his only family and everything before that is garbage....

I feel like this is why I am attracted to Cory (my AH)....

Anyhow, any suggestions that can help me help him...
I tried to read the big book, but I need something geared toward younger people....

Insulated

I swear by The Secret. Two years into this philosphy and my family subscribes as well, I've learned some incredibly hard lessons. I will share them with you some day if you like. Because if you don't watch what you vibrate into the universe in a specific detailed way, it does come to a fruition. And the moment I realized this (and stupidly didn't heed the warning) was when my brother was journaling and reprimanding himself and literally wrote "I need to back this *hi* up". His septic tank backed up into the first level of his home .......um 6 people, one bathroom. Yes, he was over ankle deep in waste. It's funny now but $6,000 at the time wasn't. We've never let him live it down either. Or the time I was throwing out into the universe I wanted an engagement ring. Oh I got one alright. It was a fake ring from his deceased mother and it turned my finger green! Continue to vibrate only positive stuff, it comes in ways unimaginable. Both good and bad.

LaTeeDa

Of course he can do it, anyone can. The question is whether he will do it. And there is no way to know that and nothing you can say or do that will make it happen.

I think it's great that you are looking at your behaviors through the filter of your childhood conditioning. Many of the things I grew up thinking were 'normal,' and 'just the way it is,' turned out to be the things that were keeping me stuck.

My suggestion to you is to take the next step. Explore some of these things with a professional counselor. Learn about you. That way, if Cory gets better, you will be getting better right along with him. And if he doesn't, you will be in a better position to do what's best for you. It's a win-win.

L

Kittyboo

"I need him to feel calm and OK with himself so he can move up in the world."
That's what YOU need....but is that what he really wants?

IMHO - The Secret resurfaced as a huge money making machine. It took what philosophers from thousands of years ago said and basically said "hey, you want an easy way to get things??...just imagine it and you will get it. And well, if you don't get it, you're not imagining it hard enough...so imagine harder!"
There is truth to it. Not to ALL of it.

There are many fabulous people here who have dealt with an alcoholic in their lives for most of their lives or a huge part of it. Nothing changes unless the alcoholic him/herself truly wants it to change.
Alcoholism is much bigger than The Secret can ever fix or help fix.
And within the Secret it also states that you can only use it to control yourself, NOT the actions of others. Which is true. In order for positive effects to take place for Cory, HE would have to think positively.

There is no easy way out here. You have to figure out how to live YOUR life postively, and know and understand that everyone is responsible for their own choices.

I am sorry that Cory seems to be spriraling down. We have all heard it before..."I want to stop drinking, I will stop now." That doesn't last very long, as you seem to have found out before.
My XA hit his supposed rock bottom after a drunken car accident, crying, telling me he wanted to stop, he was so unhappy. Yeah, that lasted about 2 days...oh, and then he went back to the people who he can party with and drink with...because alcohol is his love.
We have all been there. It's so hard, it's so unbelievably hard. But you have to take care of you.
I am 34, and only now am I really beginning to understand what that means. I wish I had put more effort into myself when I was in my 20's.

There is amazing info here about alcoholism. Read it, and TRUST that what you are reading here is the TRUTH, it is what really goes on and happens in the life of an alcoholic and loved one's of alcoholics.

I wish you both the best of luck.

transformyself

So true! I"ve learned to be specific (and as positive has humanly possible) with my prayers, because that's how I see this process. I've been taught our thoughts and words are beings. We send them out to do our will. And when I focus those prayers AMAZING things happen--whether they be positive or negative.

with regard to other folks, for instance your AH, I'm not sure about how to "help" him because I've also been taught we're here for ourselves. To help ourselves, focus on ourselves, take our own inventory and learn how to essentially not be so helpful.

That's the real trick.

I"m sorry to hear he's so sick, and hope he learns to make better choices.

cmc

I've known lots of people from ages 17-25 who have used the BB with no problem. The BB is as effective as the willing alcoholic chooses it to be. It is was not written for the family member's use. Any truth, wisdom or benefit I derive from the BB hinges upon my applying what is written to myself & my own life choices...not to another person's.

Have you been reading any Al-Anon literature or any books written for the friend/loved one of an alcoholic? That would be a good place to start.

Emeraldstorm

omg nevermind

My AH just got pissed off at me and said I was making him want to drink....

Now he took my car, and I'm sure he is out there trying to decide weather or not to by booze....

I'm so pissed, and crying so bad right now...

He really is choosing alcohol over me...his best friend...and girlfriend...he loves me so much, I know he does....but I just can't do for him what alcohol does....and it hurts so freaking ba

LaTeeDa

Do you see how your life is totally wrapped up in him? How when he promises to quit you are happy, and when he drinks again you are devastated? You can have a life of your own, where you control your own destiny. But, you have to let go of trying to control his.........

It's not easy. But I know you can do it.

L

wicked

So sorry Mlewis.
I know how much it hurts. Please don't give up on yourself though.
Take care of you.

Kittyboo

Oh honey, I am so sorry for how you are feeling right now.
I understand the emotions are all consuming.

LaTeeDa is so right though. Your happiness is completely determined by his actions. This is such a common thing, don't think you are acting any different than most do.
But it is so unhealthy. When your feelings are based on what someone else does and says that is the thing that can completely drain your spirit.

I used to want my XA to stop drinking. (Of course I still do), but I used to tell him.."you need to stop drinking...." He would say " I know."

It would break my heart that he would always choose to drink. That drinking was the easier choice for him, albeit the more destructive choice. But now, I can honestly sit here and say, I don't have the all consuming emotions about him drinking anymore. Hey, if he chooses to drink...have at it! Enjoy. I would no longer try to convince him to stop because there is no convincing that anyone can do.
Addiction to relationships is like addiction to alcohol. He is your drug. Literally. I'm trying to offer a comparison.... no amount of convincing you to stop, leave it alone, remove yourself will work. Because you have not hit your rock bottom. The pain of staying is not as much as you fear the pain of leaving would be.
Does that make sense?

Also, his choice to drink is NOT your fault. It is HIS choice. This is something many alcoholics say to make you feel like you have control over his choices. To make you feel guilty...."oh, the problems in my life are all your fault." They are NOT your fault. He is an adult, making his own choices. If you had the power to make him drink, you would have the power to make him stop. You don't.

Find your strength. You wouldn't believe how much strength you have inside when you really start to tap into it.
Sending you a hug!

peaceteach

Just because we WANT something to be a certain way doesn't mean it will be. I would like to suggest another book for you to read, honey. It's called "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. I read this first in my 20's and it was very eye-opening. It really helped ME learn more about ME, and how to stop keeping my focus on the "hims" in my life.

barb dwyer

Mlewis if you come away with nothing more from SR -
come away with this -

this... this one statement...
is the most important decision you're going to have to make.

Because that is a reality that is not ever going to change.

And it tells me that beneath all this
soulmate and destined fairy tale talk
that you really do know the truth.

I am an alcoholic.
I also love alcoholics.
Apparently.

But because I'm on both sides of the fence -
I know without doubt
from the inside out
that this one truth you just wrote will not change.
CAN ... not change.

As an alcoholic
I know that
nothing can ever come between me
and my Higher Power.
No man
no job
no feeling
no emotion
no religion
no promise
no person...

...can step into the space
that has to be reserved
from this breath onward
for my devotion to the Infinite.

As long as I have that -
I'm okay.
As long as I view the world
from inside that circle
of perception....
I'm okay.

The moment I start
paying more attention to
a person
a job
a feeling
state of mind
substance...

... I am lost.

Now =- from the other side -
the sober side -

I have to be in a place that I understand
that I am never going to be more
than number two
in that person's life.

Whether they're using
or they're sober.

Number TWO...
is as good as it gets.

The reality is that I'm
actually going to be like number four

If that alcoholic is in recovery.


From reading your posts,
I see that you're making a major life learning here.

I'm happy for you
in that regard.
And I'm afraid for you
in that regard.

Because it all depends on the decision you make about this one thing.

Your future, I mean.

I hope you'll find a meeting near you.
Maybe even one at school or something.
I am 51 years old,
and have lived
the life that results from ONE
of your possible choices.

My prayers are for your growth in a beauty way.
And that pleasure and knowledge surround you through this.

I know many colleges have Alanon meetings.

Done_With_It

I love the book The Secret, if you like that book I would suggest two other books for you that I think you would like,
The Four Agreements and
Stop Struggling and Start Living
(the 2nd one kind of hits on what La Tee Da said) it is a self help book per say but it is written as a story, one of the best books I've ever read.

I'm sorry you are hurting I hope you really listen to what La Tee Da and the others say and also read those books at least the 2nd one. I used to let my emotions be affected by how others were feeling, but these days I almost have to force myself to be affected sometimes. You are the master of your universe no one else.

I always think to myself if I died tomorrow unexpectedly it would be a shame if I was in a bad or upset mood yesterday. So I always say to myself, today I will have a great day, and it happens (almost always anyway) .
:ghug3

coffeedrinker

listen, i'm not gonna tell you that you can't change cory into the sober man you wish him to be, i'm not gonna tell you to go to al-anon, or that kind of stuff.

i'm gonna say
i know how it feels. i know how it feels to fully realize that who you think is the love of your life really is having a love affair with the bottle, i know how painful it is to come crashing down when you were up so high, high on promises, hope, dreams, i know how much you have tried to love him into who he truly is, to show him that he really IS worth much more than he seems to think, and that you wanted to be the one to never, ever abandon him

but the reality is that this pain that you are feeling right now WILL NOT END until he is truly sober. and then, you'll have many more issues and reasons to have your heart aching, while he tries to grow up, and learn to live life the way the rest of us do. he may be the man you want one day. but that day is simply not here yet. honey, if you really love him, allow him the dignity to get himself sober, by himself, so he can come courting you like a man is supposed to, with his integrity intact, with many things to offer you. things more than his potential.
he is an alcoholic. that, by definition, means that he does love the booze more than you. it's that simple.

i'm sorry, mlewis.

barb dwyer

The SECRET with the 'Secret' is -

If you secretly hope
you can 'wish' him into becoming what you want-
and you're hoping this book is going to show you how to do that =-

because your other posts reveal a type of majickal thinking going on -

as one majickal thinker to another -

you will be stepping into his Free Will.
incurring karma.
And that's a dark movement of energy.

Trying to turn anyone into anything
ever ... at any time -
is a dark movement.

The only person you have permission to change...ever ... is you.