Need to stop before this gets any worse...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: glasgow, scotland
Posts: 17
Need to stop before this gets any worse...
I'm not an addict but I definitely have a drinking problem. I came here for the first time a few months ago because I have difficulty with binge drinking. One pint of lager always turns into eight or nine and if nobody will drink with me I will carry on at home until the house is dry. This might be a Friday or Saturday but equally in the past few months it could be any day of the week. I've probably missed a week of work in the last year because I've been too hungover to go in.
I have anxiety related depression, post viral fatigue and I hate my job. My drinking is affecting my relationship with my boyfriend and I'm feeling really low. People recommended me to take a break from drinking the last time I posted, for at least 30 days. I think I lasted 2 then thought I would be okay if I was 'sensible' but I guess its a few months later and I'm back in exactly the same place again. I'm scared...
I have anxiety related depression, post viral fatigue and I hate my job. My drinking is affecting my relationship with my boyfriend and I'm feeling really low. People recommended me to take a break from drinking the last time I posted, for at least 30 days. I think I lasted 2 then thought I would be okay if I was 'sensible' but I guess its a few months later and I'm back in exactly the same place again. I'm scared...
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,755
Can you go to a detox place? Or go to the local hospital to get help with getting thru the first few days of detoxing? Or see your doctor for help? I hope you can find a way to stop drinking because it will get worse. Alcoholism is a progressive disease/problem and will not get better if still drinking.
I'm glad you came back here for help. This is a great place for support and understanding. It IS possible to stop drinking. It starts with today: just for today, don't drink. I wish you the best in your recovery.
I'm glad you came back here for help. This is a great place for support and understanding. It IS possible to stop drinking. It starts with today: just for today, don't drink. I wish you the best in your recovery.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,460
Cutting down is the hardest thing to do, for us addicts.
I wasted so much time, determined to control my drinking. It never worked for very long, and all I did was obsess about it.
I'm glad you've decided to stop.
I wasted so much time, determined to control my drinking. It never worked for very long, and all I did was obsess about it.
I'm glad you've decided to stop.
Guest
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 2,013
[QUOTE=JasperFan;2501926]I'm not an addict but I definitely have a drinking problem.
I have anxiety related depression, post viral fatigue and I hate my job. QUOTE]
Some wisdom that I picked up from a meeting a while back was from a bloke with about 8 years of sobriety who goes into rehabs/treatment centers to chair meetings etc.
He said that the common theme is that there is always a BUT when people are talking about why they are sitting in a treatment center/rehab. ie- I drink too much BUT I'm not an alcoholic... or I maybe an alclholic BUT you'd drink if you'd had the childhood that I had or You'd drink if you suffered from the depression that I suffered with.
Basically the BUT is denial at work. I used to do the same seeing drinking as medicine that other people would drink like me if they felt the depression or whatever that I felt. It was all denial at work and it kept me drinking.
I never used to be able to refer to myself as an alcoholic either and could come up with many excuses why I weren't an alcoholic and that it was all semantics and B*llshit anyway. Guess what? I returned back to drinking again a few weeks later because I needed my medicine again as afterall I deserved it feeling like I felt.
It wasn't untill I accepted what I am ie- an alcoholic, that things really changed. I could then start my new life recovering from my alcoholism. I accept that I cannot drink alcohol on a daily basis and my life is moulded around this concept. Once I came to terms with this I could begin to 'recover' working AA/SR and much wisdom from elsewhere too.
Peace
I have anxiety related depression, post viral fatigue and I hate my job. QUOTE]
Some wisdom that I picked up from a meeting a while back was from a bloke with about 8 years of sobriety who goes into rehabs/treatment centers to chair meetings etc.
He said that the common theme is that there is always a BUT when people are talking about why they are sitting in a treatment center/rehab. ie- I drink too much BUT I'm not an alcoholic... or I maybe an alclholic BUT you'd drink if you'd had the childhood that I had or You'd drink if you suffered from the depression that I suffered with.
Basically the BUT is denial at work. I used to do the same seeing drinking as medicine that other people would drink like me if they felt the depression or whatever that I felt. It was all denial at work and it kept me drinking.
I never used to be able to refer to myself as an alcoholic either and could come up with many excuses why I weren't an alcoholic and that it was all semantics and B*llshit anyway. Guess what? I returned back to drinking again a few weeks later because I needed my medicine again as afterall I deserved it feeling like I felt.
It wasn't untill I accepted what I am ie- an alcoholic, that things really changed. I could then start my new life recovering from my alcoholism. I accept that I cannot drink alcohol on a daily basis and my life is moulded around this concept. Once I came to terms with this I could begin to 'recover' working AA/SR and much wisdom from elsewhere too.
Peace
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: glasgow, scotland
Posts: 17
Thanks Neomarxist. Some tough words but at the end of the day 100% the truth. I have a tendancy to throw myself pity parties with the theme of "Life's not fair". I have a problem that I need to deal with.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 256
Anna brought up a great point about obsessing about drinking, and controlling it or not, etc. For a very long time, I was constantly obsessing about whether I could 'control' it "this time" or not. And then afterwards, looking for assurances of how I acted or whatever because invariably I would black out...only to repeat this obsessive cycle over and over again.
It was only when I took drinking off the table as a possibility that I was free from this. Now I don't go around and around in my head thinking about, "How many have I had? Do I seem too drunk? Am I acting ok? I need to prove I can do it right...? Am I measuring my drinks properly? Is it too soon to have another? blah blah blah". That took a LOT of energy. Now, it's just a non-issue, because drinking is out of the equation.
It was only when I took drinking off the table as a possibility that I was free from this. Now I don't go around and around in my head thinking about, "How many have I had? Do I seem too drunk? Am I acting ok? I need to prove I can do it right...? Am I measuring my drinks properly? Is it too soon to have another? blah blah blah". That took a LOT of energy. Now, it's just a non-issue, because drinking is out of the equation.
Don't resist, allow
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: South East of England
Posts: 1,521
Hi and welcome.
I was a binge drinker. Probably on average I would drink two or three times a week. If I was really trying hard I may not have drunk for a week or two. I had even done weeks and month dry. Then again some weeks I drank every day.
The truth was I could not control my drinking. If I was dry I always knew at some I would drink again and when I drank again, I always drank to oblivion. Most of my drinking was on my own. People know that I enjoy a drink but I doubt that most people would even know that I was an alcoholic.
I always had a high tolerance of alcohol but in my last year of drinking I reached blackout very quickly, usually after about 2 or 3 glasses of wine, even though I was behaving normally with people around me. I don't remember so much. At this stage the alcohol really had caused damage to my brain.
I am an alcoholic. It took me a long time to realise this. I thought only people who drank every day and drank spirits (I drank beer, then wine) were alcoholics.
I found a solution to staying sober in working the 12 Steps of AA.
I am glad you have found this site.
I was a binge drinker. Probably on average I would drink two or three times a week. If I was really trying hard I may not have drunk for a week or two. I had even done weeks and month dry. Then again some weeks I drank every day.
The truth was I could not control my drinking. If I was dry I always knew at some I would drink again and when I drank again, I always drank to oblivion. Most of my drinking was on my own. People know that I enjoy a drink but I doubt that most people would even know that I was an alcoholic.
I always had a high tolerance of alcohol but in my last year of drinking I reached blackout very quickly, usually after about 2 or 3 glasses of wine, even though I was behaving normally with people around me. I don't remember so much. At this stage the alcohol really had caused damage to my brain.
I am an alcoholic. It took me a long time to realise this. I thought only people who drank every day and drank spirits (I drank beer, then wine) were alcoholics.
I found a solution to staying sober in working the 12 Steps of AA.
I am glad you have found this site.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: glasgow, scotland
Posts: 17
Humblestudent, I do exactly what you were talking about. I drink weaker drinks...and then drink more of them. I blackout from early in the night and can still be completely functioning but missing hours of memory the next day. That makes me paranoid and scared to talk to the people I've been socialising with. I also read far too much into what people say to me when I'm drinking. Did they say that because they think I'm drunk? etc etc.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Buzz-free Zone
Posts: 1,372
How you described feeling is exactly how I felt when I finally stopped drinking. It is scary. The thought of living life without a drink petrified me.
I got to the point where everything in my life and how I felt about myself was so intolerable that I had to do something.
Keep trying to put the drink down. Give yourself credit for trying. 2 days here turns into more days there if you want things to change badly enough.
I think you'll finally get to a point where you'll see that drinking is contributing to the anxiety, depression, feelings of despair, hopelessness, etc.
By all means, consult with your dr. if you have any medical concerns about withdrawing from alcohol.
I've been where you're at. I didn't know that recovery was even something I really wanted until I got it and worked it.
You're in good company. Hope to hear more from you. Take care of yourself.
I got to the point where everything in my life and how I felt about myself was so intolerable that I had to do something.
Keep trying to put the drink down. Give yourself credit for trying. 2 days here turns into more days there if you want things to change badly enough.
I think you'll finally get to a point where you'll see that drinking is contributing to the anxiety, depression, feelings of despair, hopelessness, etc.
By all means, consult with your dr. if you have any medical concerns about withdrawing from alcohol.
I've been where you're at. I didn't know that recovery was even something I really wanted until I got it and worked it.
You're in good company. Hope to hear more from you. Take care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 256
Jasper - I totally understand...I also have depression and terrible anxiety under normal circumstances. The alcohol really amped that up to nearly unbearable levels. That was a big reason as to why I finally said, "Enough." I just couldn't stand it anymore. I can tell you that any rough spots I've had as a result of recovery pale in comparison to the physical and mental hell/merry go round I was on while drinking.
And honestly, the only thing that made the difference was accepting the fact that I can't control it - not consistently, and not without all the mental gymnastics. So, I just stopped. And life has been so much better...even early on in this journey.
And honestly, the only thing that made the difference was accepting the fact that I can't control it - not consistently, and not without all the mental gymnastics. So, I just stopped. And life has been so much better...even early on in this journey.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: glasgow, scotland
Posts: 17
Thankyou all for the warm welcome back to SR. I already feel better than I did an hour ago but know I have a long road ahead of me. I'm looking forward to trying to achieve at least some of the goals that have been on the back burner for so long because drinking has taken precedence.
Don't resist, allow
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: South East of England
Posts: 1,521
Originally Posted by JasperFan 
I blackout from early in the night and can still be completely functioning but missing hours of memory the next day.
This is a sign that you are in the middle stages of the disease of alcoholism. It's scary when you start to blackout so early in the night when you know you have the capacity to really hold a lot of drink. Not to mention the fear over what you have done while in blackout.
The stage after this is late stage alcoholism. When you get to this point you need to drink just to function normally because your body and brain as so physically dependant on alcohol. You start to drink in the morning to stop the shakes......and then it will just get worse and worse.
Don't think that you will get any warning before you get to the late stage. Many people call it an invisible line that you cross. The stories that have been told here about this are scary.
I had quit for 6 weeks so I didn't think I was even an alcoholic and then then back to my normal binging over the next month or so. The last few drunks I didn't want to drink. I even hated the taste. I cried as I downed the glasses of wine "in one". It was horrible. Looking back now I was just crossing that invisible line......
Thank God I made the decision to get help before the inevitable happened.
Guest
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 2,013
Hi Intention. Yes you have just reminded me of how my alcoholism progressed. It progresses very quickly and drinking as soon as you wake creeps in very quickly. I found once you do this then there is NO turning back.
I tried towards the last 12 months but as soon as I woke all I could think about was taking another drink. If there was any around then I would crack open a can of lager at 7.00am and be round the shop buying super-strength lager 9% at 7.45am. I would make sure I saved beers for this purpose. Totally and utterly powerless over doing this as I was totally and utterly addicted.
This never crossed my mind a few years earlier. I got introduced to it from a close mate and I remember him cracking a bottle of wine at about 6.30am and me thinking oh great I've never thought of just drinking through days. Why suffer the hangover? Only an alkie would think like that and when I see people at work who have been out the night before drinking I can see how they are not thinking about alcohol but quite the opposite infact, they are positively sickened at the thought when they are hungover. For me ALL I could think about when hungover was taking another drink to make me feel better again.
I also related to your "down in one" as proably the last 18 months of my drinking almost every single drink would be chugged down pretty much in one. I physically couldn't help but drink like that after I had taken a few drinks. Felt like a magnetic force was pulling it down my throat... I knew I was totally addicted.
I knew I had to get out whils't I still could and rebuild my life which had been damaged but wasn't irrepairable. My drinking would have progressed to daily drinking 24/7 very quickly I imagine if circumstances had of been different. Once that line is crossed there will never be a return to "normal" responsible drinking. Not for this alcoholic anyway.
I tried towards the last 12 months but as soon as I woke all I could think about was taking another drink. If there was any around then I would crack open a can of lager at 7.00am and be round the shop buying super-strength lager 9% at 7.45am. I would make sure I saved beers for this purpose. Totally and utterly powerless over doing this as I was totally and utterly addicted.
This never crossed my mind a few years earlier. I got introduced to it from a close mate and I remember him cracking a bottle of wine at about 6.30am and me thinking oh great I've never thought of just drinking through days. Why suffer the hangover? Only an alkie would think like that and when I see people at work who have been out the night before drinking I can see how they are not thinking about alcohol but quite the opposite infact, they are positively sickened at the thought when they are hungover. For me ALL I could think about when hungover was taking another drink to make me feel better again.
I also related to your "down in one" as proably the last 18 months of my drinking almost every single drink would be chugged down pretty much in one. I physically couldn't help but drink like that after I had taken a few drinks. Felt like a magnetic force was pulling it down my throat... I knew I was totally addicted.
I knew I had to get out whils't I still could and rebuild my life which had been damaged but wasn't irrepairable. My drinking would have progressed to daily drinking 24/7 very quickly I imagine if circumstances had of been different. Once that line is crossed there will never be a return to "normal" responsible drinking. Not for this alcoholic anyway.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: glasgow, scotland
Posts: 17
The plan is to stop drinking for good. I'm almost but not fully recovered from a 14 hour, 12/13 pints of lager binge on Saturday. Spent all of yesterday feeling absolutely chronic and today I was still feeling lousy and very anxious/paranoid at work.
What I now need to do is to keep coming to SR and remembering why I'm doing this and not let that memory fade with the hangover which is what happened the last timed I tried to quit.
On a positive note I went out for dinner myself tonight and resisted the lure of a drink with dinner or popping in to the hotel bar for a 'quick one' on the way back to my room. About to head to bed with a book and a glass of water
What I now need to do is to keep coming to SR and remembering why I'm doing this and not let that memory fade with the hangover which is what happened the last timed I tried to quit.
On a positive note I went out for dinner myself tonight and resisted the lure of a drink with dinner or popping in to the hotel bar for a 'quick one' on the way back to my room. About to head to bed with a book and a glass of water
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