How do you detach, but still care?
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Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 126
How do you detach, but still care?
I'm trying really hard to detach from my RAH. I've learned a lot over the last couple of weeks about how truly codependent I am since he told me that he was over our marriage because of my anger and the way I play the victim.
I'm reading Codependent No More and would love to hear from some of you on here who have been successful with Al-Anon and recovery on how you detach from the mess yet still care about the person?
Also, do you find that if you try to really change your actions did your attitude change? I'll give you an example:
Today we have been slammed with snow where I live. Last night he came by to see our son and checked on a few things to make sure we would be ok. I haven't heard from him at all today. At 3:30 today I was on the phone with a friend looking at the snow falling outside the front door and randomly saw him drive by. Our house is in a neighborhood very far from where he is staying AND it is very secluded (it is basically a peninsula onto a river). I figured he would stop by. Nope, nothing. In my mind, I am upset that we have had the largest snowfall in 2 decades and he hasn't even called or texted to see if we are ok. Normally I would have called him this afternoon and asked a million questions-why were you in the neighborhood, what were you doing, why couldn't you stop by to see your little boy? I decided that isn't going to get me anywhere. As hard as it will be when he does call or come by I am NOT going to go there. It isn't my concern and won't make a difference in my life if I know what he was doing. I'm just hoping the more I tell myself that the easier it will get for me to totally change my way of thinking.
I'm reading Codependent No More and would love to hear from some of you on here who have been successful with Al-Anon and recovery on how you detach from the mess yet still care about the person?
Also, do you find that if you try to really change your actions did your attitude change? I'll give you an example:
Today we have been slammed with snow where I live. Last night he came by to see our son and checked on a few things to make sure we would be ok. I haven't heard from him at all today. At 3:30 today I was on the phone with a friend looking at the snow falling outside the front door and randomly saw him drive by. Our house is in a neighborhood very far from where he is staying AND it is very secluded (it is basically a peninsula onto a river). I figured he would stop by. Nope, nothing. In my mind, I am upset that we have had the largest snowfall in 2 decades and he hasn't even called or texted to see if we are ok. Normally I would have called him this afternoon and asked a million questions-why were you in the neighborhood, what were you doing, why couldn't you stop by to see your little boy? I decided that isn't going to get me anywhere. As hard as it will be when he does call or come by I am NOT going to go there. It isn't my concern and won't make a difference in my life if I know what he was doing. I'm just hoping the more I tell myself that the easier it will get for me to totally change my way of thinking.
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Wilmington, NC
Posts: 932
It sounds to me like you did it....today - by not making those phone calls and not asking those questions. Detaching takes minute by minute practice. You did it! To me, detaching is worrying and wondering less about what the addict is doing and concentrating more on what I'm doing and what I'm doing for my family. It doesn't mean I love him less, it just means that I don't allow him to take up too much rent in my head.
I've said this before so it might sound familiar to other posters: The way I started this process was to get a visual of myself carrying my husband like a sleeping child in my arms and walking up to what looks like a throne and laying my husband at the feet of God and then walking away.
The reason I do this is to imagine myself turning AH over (letting go and letting God) to the only one who can really help him because it's not me.
A friend of mine did this also when her husband had terminal cancer. It helped her deal with his death when he finally passed because she had carried her husband to the alter so many times (and he was a man of faith too) that she got comfort in knowing he was healed and in a better place.
You did good. Keep it up!!
I've said this before so it might sound familiar to other posters: The way I started this process was to get a visual of myself carrying my husband like a sleeping child in my arms and walking up to what looks like a throne and laying my husband at the feet of God and then walking away.
The reason I do this is to imagine myself turning AH over (letting go and letting God) to the only one who can really help him because it's not me.
A friend of mine did this also when her husband had terminal cancer. It helped her deal with his death when he finally passed because she had carried her husband to the alter so many times (and he was a man of faith too) that she got comfort in knowing he was healed and in a better place.
You did good. Keep it up!!
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
perhaps he is trying to detach a bit as well. perhaps driving by was to have a look-see if you guys seemed ok (you did say he inquired last night). perhaps not.
the only success i've had with this concept involves my 21-year-old daughter. she drinks quite a lot. i knew all about enabling when she started drinking as a teen, and a little about boundaries - once i had her father come to the house to pick her up and drive her to her rented home and as she was leaving, held out my hand and asked for my housekey; another time when i discovered she had had friends over and they drank here while i was away, i told her she needed to find another place to live (summer after h.school graduation).
what i found was that when she was not around, not living here coming home and i would listen to hear if she stumbled up the stairs or not, it was MUCH easier to not be wrapped up in her activities. with her living several miles away, i always do know that she is doing what is not in her best interest, but i'm not exposed to it, and therefore it doesn't consume me.
melody beattie says that it is a daily behavior. and what it is in a nutshell is relinquishing our need to be in control, to affect outcomes. we leave that to a different (higher) power.
sorry i don't know much more firsthand than that.
the only success i've had with this concept involves my 21-year-old daughter. she drinks quite a lot. i knew all about enabling when she started drinking as a teen, and a little about boundaries - once i had her father come to the house to pick her up and drive her to her rented home and as she was leaving, held out my hand and asked for my housekey; another time when i discovered she had had friends over and they drank here while i was away, i told her she needed to find another place to live (summer after h.school graduation).
what i found was that when she was not around, not living here coming home and i would listen to hear if she stumbled up the stairs or not, it was MUCH easier to not be wrapped up in her activities. with her living several miles away, i always do know that she is doing what is not in her best interest, but i'm not exposed to it, and therefore it doesn't consume me.
melody beattie says that it is a daily behavior. and what it is in a nutshell is relinquishing our need to be in control, to affect outcomes. we leave that to a different (higher) power.
sorry i don't know much more firsthand than that.
work in progress
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
Posts: 623
how you detach from the mess yet still care about the person?
....Also, do you find that if you try to really change your actions did your attitude change?
Funny you posted this tonight. I just started reading the chapter on detachment in CoNoMore....
I'm new at this....very new. Mr. Sofa has been out of the house for one month today. Instead of a chip...I bought myself a hot fudge sundae
In the beginning (the first week) I literally had to force myself not to call...not to
e mail...not to push. It's probably a lot like addicts feel when they start their recovery too.
I had to remind myself to "mind my own business" and try to untangle myself from him...I am powerless.
I guess if you pretend to detach long enough...you probably will. A detox of our own, if you will. We become so accustomed to worrying about what they think, say or do that we lose sight of ourselves...and get lost in there.
Over time you will heal and find your way back out. It is happening to Me and I can actually feel myself getting stronger each day. I am learning NOT to take personally what he says and replace it with the "quacking" sound in my head when he does. And it sounds like it is working for you too....you didn't make the call. Good for you.
All of this is out of our hands...I am a control freak, and it was pretty darn hard to surrender, but I had to to save myself. The chaos is no way to live, and it is self inflicted...because we always have the power to choose what is best for ourselves...we just have to learn how to.
I have moved away from the anger and panic...and it is starting to show in my actions. So I guess you can say my attitude has changed, and I changed it for Me. I still have the "Why isn't he doing this, that or the other?" thoughts that creep up one Me...I just have more tools on how to deal with my own insecurities.
Listen, we all have a role to play in this "family addiction"....whether we're addicts, liars, criminals, victims, enablers, manipulators, codependents, narcissists, etc.... as soon as we recognize our role and how they are toxic to ourselves and others, the sooner we can start to heal and grow. Then we can move on to healthier relationships...with them or without them.
We are, after all, accountable too.
Stay warm in all that snow....I'm sending some Florida sunshine your way.
....Also, do you find that if you try to really change your actions did your attitude change?
Funny you posted this tonight. I just started reading the chapter on detachment in CoNoMore....
I'm new at this....very new. Mr. Sofa has been out of the house for one month today. Instead of a chip...I bought myself a hot fudge sundae
In the beginning (the first week) I literally had to force myself not to call...not to
e mail...not to push. It's probably a lot like addicts feel when they start their recovery too.
I had to remind myself to "mind my own business" and try to untangle myself from him...I am powerless.
I guess if you pretend to detach long enough...you probably will. A detox of our own, if you will. We become so accustomed to worrying about what they think, say or do that we lose sight of ourselves...and get lost in there.
Over time you will heal and find your way back out. It is happening to Me and I can actually feel myself getting stronger each day. I am learning NOT to take personally what he says and replace it with the "quacking" sound in my head when he does. And it sounds like it is working for you too....you didn't make the call. Good for you.
All of this is out of our hands...I am a control freak, and it was pretty darn hard to surrender, but I had to to save myself. The chaos is no way to live, and it is self inflicted...because we always have the power to choose what is best for ourselves...we just have to learn how to.
I have moved away from the anger and panic...and it is starting to show in my actions. So I guess you can say my attitude has changed, and I changed it for Me. I still have the "Why isn't he doing this, that or the other?" thoughts that creep up one Me...I just have more tools on how to deal with my own insecurities.
Listen, we all have a role to play in this "family addiction"....whether we're addicts, liars, criminals, victims, enablers, manipulators, codependents, narcissists, etc.... as soon as we recognize our role and how they are toxic to ourselves and others, the sooner we can start to heal and grow. Then we can move on to healthier relationships...with them or without them.
We are, after all, accountable too.
Stay warm in all that snow....I'm sending some Florida sunshine your way.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: midwest
Posts: 44
I am in a similar situation. My Ah went to stay with his mom - says he just cant handle the fights we have while hes sober. Well that is true however he still got caught using there- he failed a u/a on friday. I started alnon in August - I go to 2-3 meetings a week , got a sponsor and work the steps. I been on step 4 - which is a personal inventory of yourself. This is really working for me. Its so hard to see how you really are- how you treat others,ect. I guess I do indeed like the fighting and drama but didnt realize it. You find that you are your own problem. I found I indeed too have the disease as my thoughts and emotions are f-up . the way i perceive things are abnormal. I just dont have the allergy to drugs/acohol/ect. Maybe that is the same as what codependent is - I did hear about that book and mentioed it to my sponsor but have not read it. She says I suffer the same thing as my AH except the drugs. It was hard as heck to swallow that but I totally see that now. I am hooked on him and his problem! real wake up call for me. Anyway, She has been in the alnon program for 12 years , her husband also in the program and has been clean for 12 years. I see so much hope for me because i see it really can happen in real life! That is why I am having a hard time callin it quits. I would say though all alnon meetings are different. Some just bash the addict. The other one I went to does readings from courage to change book. I do like meeting but not always able to make it. You have to find the right one for you. Good luck!
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