getting a sponsor
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 4
getting a sponsor
Hi all,
I'm new to sobriety and new to AA, having just quit on 1/1/10. I've been going to meetings regularly, almost daily, and I love them, but I don't have a sponsor yet. I'm a little lost as to how to go about it. I'm a woman, which means that at some meetings there are only a couple of other people for me to choose from. I do go to a couple of women's meetings but sometimes they ask for people who are willing to sponsor to raise their hands and there will only be maybe 2 out of 30. Then those 2 might not share during the meeting and if there's not a break I don't even get a chance to talk to them.
I've heard I'm supposed to be finding someone who has what I want but I've also heard that I need to get a sponsor ASAP. I know I'm supposed to ask but I'm human (and an alcoholic) so asking when there's a 1 in 15 chance of the person saying yes without knowing anything about them is scary for me, both in terms of ending up with a sponsor I don't click with and in terms of possible rejection.
I do try to talk to people at every meeting and I have lots of phone numbers but so far I'm doing pretty well. I haven't needed crisis help. I have called people who asked me to check in and said I was doing OK but I mostly get voice mail and no response.
Do I need to sound more desperate to get someone to take an interest? Am I OK to wait a while longer? Am I over-thinking this? How did you get your sponsor?
Thanks,
Dawn
I'm new to sobriety and new to AA, having just quit on 1/1/10. I've been going to meetings regularly, almost daily, and I love them, but I don't have a sponsor yet. I'm a little lost as to how to go about it. I'm a woman, which means that at some meetings there are only a couple of other people for me to choose from. I do go to a couple of women's meetings but sometimes they ask for people who are willing to sponsor to raise their hands and there will only be maybe 2 out of 30. Then those 2 might not share during the meeting and if there's not a break I don't even get a chance to talk to them.
I've heard I'm supposed to be finding someone who has what I want but I've also heard that I need to get a sponsor ASAP. I know I'm supposed to ask but I'm human (and an alcoholic) so asking when there's a 1 in 15 chance of the person saying yes without knowing anything about them is scary for me, both in terms of ending up with a sponsor I don't click with and in terms of possible rejection.
I do try to talk to people at every meeting and I have lots of phone numbers but so far I'm doing pretty well. I haven't needed crisis help. I have called people who asked me to check in and said I was doing OK but I mostly get voice mail and no response.
Do I need to sound more desperate to get someone to take an interest? Am I OK to wait a while longer? Am I over-thinking this? How did you get your sponsor?
Thanks,
Dawn
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 113
Hi Dawn,
I'm new at this as well (only 9 days in) but have you thought about just getting a temporary sponsor until you can find someone of your...emmm...'ilk' (for lack of a better word).
They can at least get you doing some assignments to help in your recovery and, who knows, you might find that you actually click with them.
Just a thought.
RacerX
I'm new at this as well (only 9 days in) but have you thought about just getting a temporary sponsor until you can find someone of your...emmm...'ilk' (for lack of a better word).
They can at least get you doing some assignments to help in your recovery and, who knows, you might find that you actually click with them.
Just a thought.
RacerX
Don't resist, allow
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: South East of England
Posts: 1,521
Hi Dawn and welcome.
We learn that the alcoholic only wants help when they ask for it. If we try to force it before they are ready, either they won't accept it or do what is asked reluctantly or without willingness.
If you are talking to plenty of people at meetings, how about asking questions like Are you working the 12 steps? Do you sponsor?. Questions which don't actually put you in postion of asking to be rejected.
In what to look for, look for someone who is consistently showing that they are in recovery and that they are happy and joyous and free and that they share how they work the steps rather than AA is a great place and it keeps you sober (that's not the solution you are looking for)
Stick around with us. I am sure you will get some more tips on helping you find a sponsor.
Well done on being sober for a month
We learn that the alcoholic only wants help when they ask for it. If we try to force it before they are ready, either they won't accept it or do what is asked reluctantly or without willingness.
If you are talking to plenty of people at meetings, how about asking questions like Are you working the 12 steps? Do you sponsor?. Questions which don't actually put you in postion of asking to be rejected.
In what to look for, look for someone who is consistently showing that they are in recovery and that they are happy and joyous and free and that they share how they work the steps rather than AA is a great place and it keeps you sober (that's not the solution you are looking for)
Stick around with us. I am sure you will get some more tips on helping you find a sponsor.
Well done on being sober for a month
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Welcome to our recovery community.....
Congratulations for chooseing sobreity
The best info on sponsorship is the official AA guideline
"Questions and Answers on Sponsorship"
is usually on the free literature rack in meetings.
We also have threads in another forum......
Alcoholism 12 Step Support
that would be helpful for you.
Please do check us out
Alcoholism-12 Step Support - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Glad you are here with us....
Congratulations for chooseing sobreity
The best info on sponsorship is the official AA guideline
"Questions and Answers on Sponsorship"
is usually on the free literature rack in meetings.
We also have threads in another forum......
Alcoholism 12 Step Support
that would be helpful for you.
Please do check us out
Alcoholism-12 Step Support - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Glad you are here with us....
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Northern California
Posts: 204
I wouldn't take who raises thier hand as a true show of who is willing to sponsor. I have only been to a couple of meetings where they do this, but it seems to me that those who raise thier hands are the ones with the courage to declare themselves available to the whole world. In my experience there are plenty others that if approached would be willing.
Keep using your phone list and you are allowed to add numbers to it. I carried mine around with me and asked women if they would add thier number. You may find the right person by talking to her on the phone.
Sounds like you have a great start, welcome!
Keep using your phone list and you are allowed to add numbers to it. I carried mine around with me and asked women if they would add thier number. You may find the right person by talking to her on the phone.
Sounds like you have a great start, welcome!
20/12/09
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Sydney Australia
Posts: 199
It took me just over 30 days to even start thinking of having a sponsor and like you I was freaked out by it all.
You dont need to be in a crisis to have a sponsor, I am doing ok on my own as well but to help learn more on working the steps and even just learning outside things and forming a secure bond with someone are also reasons to get one.
Dont worry about the ASAP - just for today, dont pick up a drink - everything else will fall into place when it is meant to.
I was pressured, well felt it, as they asked often if i had one yet and i didnt and i wasnt ready either and when i let go of that and was ready, i heard someone who i had heard before but didnt really put into play and was VERY hesitant to walk up to her.
This was my "line" - I really enjoyed listening to you and identfied with your story. Would you mind if we went and had a coffee sometime to see if you possibly becoming my sponsor would fit? Or something quite similar to that.
I was worried about rejection and already had her saying no LOL she said YES!
Dont stress too much!
Take care
You dont need to be in a crisis to have a sponsor, I am doing ok on my own as well but to help learn more on working the steps and even just learning outside things and forming a secure bond with someone are also reasons to get one.
Dont worry about the ASAP - just for today, dont pick up a drink - everything else will fall into place when it is meant to.
I was pressured, well felt it, as they asked often if i had one yet and i didnt and i wasnt ready either and when i let go of that and was ready, i heard someone who i had heard before but didnt really put into play and was VERY hesitant to walk up to her.
This was my "line" - I really enjoyed listening to you and identfied with your story. Would you mind if we went and had a coffee sometime to see if you possibly becoming my sponsor would fit? Or something quite similar to that.
I was worried about rejection and already had her saying no LOL she said YES!
Dont stress too much!
Take care
The New Me starting 1/11/09
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: California
Posts: 678
It would probably be simplest to say at the beginning of the meeting "Hi I'm Dawn2010, I'm an alcoholic and I'm looking for a female sponsor". You will get some good responses this way.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 159
I wouldn't worry too much about the rejection aspect. If someone is willing to sponsor, there are many factors such as time/fit with the person that can come into play. If someone does not want to sponsor you for those reasons, it is not a judgement on you as a person.
Also, I would take my time to find someone that I thought fit and was good for me. It is not something you have to rush into right away, in my opinion, but the idea of a temporary sponsor is a good one if you want to get a feel for that kind of relationship.
In my area, there are a lack of good women sponsors, and although I like my sponsor, I am not really sure that she is the best fit for me. Also probably has to do with the amount of effort that you put into the relationship, but mine is sponsoring too many people, I think. Anyhow, not about me.
Good luck with choosing, and don't freak out if you don't find someone right away if you are otherwise doing well and keeping in contact with other AA people.
Also, I would take my time to find someone that I thought fit and was good for me. It is not something you have to rush into right away, in my opinion, but the idea of a temporary sponsor is a good one if you want to get a feel for that kind of relationship.
In my area, there are a lack of good women sponsors, and although I like my sponsor, I am not really sure that she is the best fit for me. Also probably has to do with the amount of effort that you put into the relationship, but mine is sponsoring too many people, I think. Anyhow, not about me.
Good luck with choosing, and don't freak out if you don't find someone right away if you are otherwise doing well and keeping in contact with other AA people.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Central Florida
Posts: 215
I would definately stick up a hand and announce I need a sponsor today.
Then you will get a woman who comes up and may not offer to be a 'permanent' sponsor but who will tell you to call every day and talk about the steps. That is a temporary sponsor. Y
ou may have one already and not know it. Ask the ladies who you call regularly if one of them is functioning as your temp sponsor. Then you will know for sure! So good to hear someone eager to do the foot work to embrace a beautiful new life awaiting!!!
Then you will get a woman who comes up and may not offer to be a 'permanent' sponsor but who will tell you to call every day and talk about the steps. That is a temporary sponsor. Y
ou may have one already and not know it. Ask the ladies who you call regularly if one of them is functioning as your temp sponsor. Then you will know for sure! So good to hear someone eager to do the foot work to embrace a beautiful new life awaiting!!!
Blu**ed Lines...A ClockWork SR
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: AZ
Posts: 2,529
I second that to getting someone asap. Try to find someone with some
good sobriety under them and has it together. Realize that sponsorship, is not written in stone... You can always swap sponsors. Also guidelines posted here are great. Just do it. Do the steps with guidence and figure out what
you think. I've come to Believe that the steps can add meaning, insight and purpose to anyone's life. It is a guided method of reflection that enables us to look at our own thoughts, beliefs and actions and enables personal growth if we let it. Welcome to the journey.
good sobriety under them and has it together. Realize that sponsorship, is not written in stone... You can always swap sponsors. Also guidelines posted here are great. Just do it. Do the steps with guidence and figure out what
you think. I've come to Believe that the steps can add meaning, insight and purpose to anyone's life. It is a guided method of reflection that enables us to look at our own thoughts, beliefs and actions and enables personal growth if we let it. Welcome to the journey.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,095
Dawn,
I would suggest finding someone that consistently speaks about powerlessness a spiritual awakening as being the solution. Someone that knows what the problem is and how to solve it.
At most every meeting, there will be a few real players in the crowd. You can spot them because they will usually approach the newcomer instead of hanging out after with their friends. They will find you. But, you can increase your odds by looking for them, going up to them, asking them.
What do you ask? Only a couple of questions are pertinent. 'Have you had a spiritual awakening as the result of the Steps?' and 'Can you show me how to have my own experience as outlined in the Big Book?'
I would suggest finding someone that consistently speaks about powerlessness a spiritual awakening as being the solution. Someone that knows what the problem is and how to solve it.
At most every meeting, there will be a few real players in the crowd. You can spot them because they will usually approach the newcomer instead of hanging out after with their friends. They will find you. But, you can increase your odds by looking for them, going up to them, asking them.
What do you ask? Only a couple of questions are pertinent. 'Have you had a spiritual awakening as the result of the Steps?' and 'Can you show me how to have my own experience as outlined in the Big Book?'
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
I guess I'm not so sure anymore about rushing to just anyone for sponsorship. around here people freely give out their numbers and provide support that can help you till you find someone like keith described. When I give my number to a newcommer i am saying i am available to provide support to you as you search for a sponsor.
I guess my expereince has been that a unskilled sponsor can cause more damage than relying on the group as a whol while searching for a sponsor...
I've come to believe that Sponsorship is critical and not to be taken lightly.
I guess my expereince has been that a unskilled sponsor can cause more damage than relying on the group as a whol while searching for a sponsor...
I've come to believe that Sponsorship is critical and not to be taken lightly.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
Well IMO if the choices you have are taking on a sponsor you are not 100% sure about but has answered keith's questions below as yes to both OR drinking again...which is, for the majority, the only choices they have...then i would get a sponsor pretty quick...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 4
Thank you all for your thoughts. I'm going to a step study meeting on Saturday which I've heard is a good place to get a sponsor so I think I'll take your advice and put my hand up and say I'm looking for one. This will at least get me started. I guess it's not uncommon for people to have many sponsors in their life so if things change down the road, I can change with them.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: uk
Posts: 2,548
Originally Posted by keithj 
Dawn,
I would suggest finding someone that consistently speaks about powerlessness a spiritual awakening as being the solution. Someone that knows what the problem is and how to solve it.
At most every meeting, there will be a few real players in the crowd. You can spot them because they will usually approach the newcomer instead of hanging out after with their friends. They will find you. But, you can increase your odds by looking for them, going up to them, asking them.
What do you ask? Only a couple of questions are pertinent. 'Have you had a spiritual awakening as the result of the Steps?' and 'Can you show me how to have my own experience as outlined in the Big Book?'
I would suggest finding someone that consistently speaks about powerlessness a spiritual awakening as being the solution. Someone that knows what the problem is and how to solve it.
At most every meeting, there will be a few real players in the crowd. You can spot them because they will usually approach the newcomer instead of hanging out after with their friends. They will find you. But, you can increase your odds by looking for them, going up to them, asking them.
What do you ask? Only a couple of questions are pertinent. 'Have you had a spiritual awakening as the result of the Steps?' and 'Can you show me how to have my own experience as outlined in the Big Book?'
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