Help - Meeting phobia
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 27
Help - Meeting phobia
Hi there. My name is Samantha and this is my first post. I'm in dire need of some thoughts on something.
I have gotten drunk - usually alone - four nights a week for the last five years. I know that I am an alcoholic. I stopped drinking two weeks ago, and it's gone fairly smoothly so far. But I read repeatedly about how strongly AA is recommended, and how it increases people's chances of a successful recovery.
My problem is that I can't go to a meeting. I physically can't make myself. I live in a fairly small city (130,000 people) and worked in the media, so I know a billion people. But my drinking has been a secret to everyone in my life, and I need to vocalize it. The last two nights, I've gotten in the car and driven all the way to the meeting locations only to see parking lots packed with cars. I am terrified of seeing someone I know. Not only that, but everything seemed confusing: what door to enter, where to sit, who was allowed in, what to do. I tried to go to a women's fellowship open speaker meeting tonight, entered to a packed church hall and there were a couple of adolescent boys playing around in the doorway. I turned around and walked out.
Every night I come home from work, open the meeting schedule on my laptop screen and stare at it. I successfully went to one on the weekend - a small open speaker group of about 30 in a neighbouring town - and left with a good feeling. I know the logic of this - that everyone there is there for the same reason, that no one will judge me, etc. But the idea of going to one terrifies me.
It's gotten to the point where I am twice as stressed at the thought of going to those meetings as I am about not drinking.
Has anyone encountered this? What should I do?
I have gotten drunk - usually alone - four nights a week for the last five years. I know that I am an alcoholic. I stopped drinking two weeks ago, and it's gone fairly smoothly so far. But I read repeatedly about how strongly AA is recommended, and how it increases people's chances of a successful recovery.
My problem is that I can't go to a meeting. I physically can't make myself. I live in a fairly small city (130,000 people) and worked in the media, so I know a billion people. But my drinking has been a secret to everyone in my life, and I need to vocalize it. The last two nights, I've gotten in the car and driven all the way to the meeting locations only to see parking lots packed with cars. I am terrified of seeing someone I know. Not only that, but everything seemed confusing: what door to enter, where to sit, who was allowed in, what to do. I tried to go to a women's fellowship open speaker meeting tonight, entered to a packed church hall and there were a couple of adolescent boys playing around in the doorway. I turned around and walked out.
Every night I come home from work, open the meeting schedule on my laptop screen and stare at it. I successfully went to one on the weekend - a small open speaker group of about 30 in a neighbouring town - and left with a good feeling. I know the logic of this - that everyone there is there for the same reason, that no one will judge me, etc. But the idea of going to one terrifies me.
It's gotten to the point where I am twice as stressed at the thought of going to those meetings as I am about not drinking.
Has anyone encountered this? What should I do?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Chagrin Falls, Ohio
Posts: 35
Hey there Samantha. Welcome to SR. There is a great group of people here and plenty of helpful posts.
I understand your dilemma. I think everyone who goes to their first meeting is scared as hell who will see them, etc. I know I was. You know what, though? Everyone in those rooms is there for the same reason. You will find noone who will view you with shame for joining AA. In fact, I think you will find much the opposite, people will greet you with open arms. In my first meeting, I realized many of the "pillars" of my local society were there. You know what though, they accepted me for who I am...an Alcoholic just like them. It took me about 15 minutes in my first meeting to become more comfortable in my skin. It took me a while to muster up the courage to speak, but I did, and I'm glad I did. You were right when you heard that AA can help. It has helped me tons, and many of those people to whom I'd normally be afraid to speak to and admit my flaws to are now my friends. We are all in it together.
I wish you the best of luck in your new journey. Taking that first plunge is the hard thing, after that, things get much, much easier. ~GeeQ
I understand your dilemma. I think everyone who goes to their first meeting is scared as hell who will see them, etc. I know I was. You know what, though? Everyone in those rooms is there for the same reason. You will find noone who will view you with shame for joining AA. In fact, I think you will find much the opposite, people will greet you with open arms. In my first meeting, I realized many of the "pillars" of my local society were there. You know what though, they accepted me for who I am...an Alcoholic just like them. It took me about 15 minutes in my first meeting to become more comfortable in my skin. It took me a while to muster up the courage to speak, but I did, and I'm glad I did. You were right when you heard that AA can help. It has helped me tons, and many of those people to whom I'd normally be afraid to speak to and admit my flaws to are now my friends. We are all in it together.
I wish you the best of luck in your new journey. Taking that first plunge is the hard thing, after that, things get much, much easier. ~GeeQ
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
Hmmm well there is a saying in AA 'You cannot save your ass and your face at the same time'. Nope i didn't know what that meant either but Ago (posts in 12 step) keeps posting it so i looked it up!
Maybe you could ring the number for the meetings and speak to someone in confidence, even don't use your real name, and get them to meet you outside of a meeting to put your mind at ease...after a convo on the phone, when you feel more comfortable with them? How far are the meetings at the nearest town from you btw? Is it a possibility to get to a couple of them a week to build up your understanding of the anonymity part of AA? I know your not going to be thinking too straight at the moment but, given you are well known, think of how many young women you could help just by going to AA and getting sober...would that appeal at all...first you have to concentrate on yourself but maybe a whole load of other people would come out of the woodwork?
I go to AA and the program has changed my life, well saved my life...a whole new life awaits you:-)
Maybe you could ring the number for the meetings and speak to someone in confidence, even don't use your real name, and get them to meet you outside of a meeting to put your mind at ease...after a convo on the phone, when you feel more comfortable with them? How far are the meetings at the nearest town from you btw? Is it a possibility to get to a couple of them a week to build up your understanding of the anonymity part of AA? I know your not going to be thinking too straight at the moment but, given you are well known, think of how many young women you could help just by going to AA and getting sober...would that appeal at all...first you have to concentrate on yourself but maybe a whole load of other people would come out of the woodwork?
I go to AA and the program has changed my life, well saved my life...a whole new life awaits you:-)
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Originally Posted by SamanthaC 
I successfully went to one on the weekend - a small open speaker group of about 30 in a neighbouring town - and left with a good feeling.
What should I do?
What should I do?
My own experience is that I have lived in the same small town... 3000... for 25 years and have a high profile job in the same town. I do not go to the AA meeting right in town, but there are many awesome meetings just 10-15 minutes away. I have been attending for 16 months. I almost always see people I know... Yea, a little nerve racking at first, but now, no big deal at all. Heck, now I'd go to the one here in town, but I really like my home group, a lot.
Easy does it... You'll find it's a lot easier than you think.
Mark
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Welcome to our recovery community.....
Glad you are here with us
Congratulations on your 2 weeks
that's a good start....
Why not get your best friend to go with
you to a meeting?
Glad you are here with us
Congratulations on your 2 weeks
that's a good start....
Why not get your best friend to go with
you to a meeting?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Laguna Niguel
Posts: 135
Your here now and that's a start,you can also go to -in the rooms.com-they have phone comfrence call meetings called the bridge.Please don't stop trying call the central office if you need someone to talk to and remember that's why we are here.
After you get to a meeting I think you will like it and even if someone you new saw you trust me they will be glad you came
After you get to a meeting I think you will like it and even if someone you new saw you trust me they will be glad you came
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: San Francisco, California
Posts: 6
I soooooo relate to you. The AA group in my area is in a neighbourhood and I constantly drive round but it seems so closed and I just feel so afraid to park in to the drive way and have a go in.... It seems very closed.. Ive been wanting to go to my first meeting for weeks but as I drive by daily even once or twice I am struck with fear...
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Louisville, Ky.
Posts: 58
FWIW,
I'm on day 24 of sobriety. Upon the strong urging of a fellow poster who goes by Tazman I have been getting to meetings - 16 so far. Tonight I had the first experience of seeing someone I know. He's actually the brother of one of my good friends who doesn't yet know I'm quitting and am in AA. It has been a good while since I had seen him and I was aware that he had drug problems but I sure didn't expect to see him there. It was awkward at first but we had a good talk after the meeting and we exchanged phone numbers. I'm planning on calling him on Friday and inviting hime to come with me to a 10:30 PM meeting here locally (this is a good time for me to go to a meeting because I would typically be imbibing boatloads of beer at this time). Perhaps God made us cross paths tonight because he wants us to help each other stay sober.
I'm on day 24 of sobriety. Upon the strong urging of a fellow poster who goes by Tazman I have been getting to meetings - 16 so far. Tonight I had the first experience of seeing someone I know. He's actually the brother of one of my good friends who doesn't yet know I'm quitting and am in AA. It has been a good while since I had seen him and I was aware that he had drug problems but I sure didn't expect to see him there. It was awkward at first but we had a good talk after the meeting and we exchanged phone numbers. I'm planning on calling him on Friday and inviting hime to come with me to a 10:30 PM meeting here locally (this is a good time for me to go to a meeting because I would typically be imbibing boatloads of beer at this time). Perhaps God made us cross paths tonight because he wants us to help each other stay sober.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
bimixer.....
Thanks for joining us.
That particular meeting may no longer be active.
I suggest you call your local AA they should
have all the current meeting info.
Please tell them your situation...they are AA too.
Keep posting with us...you too can win over alcohol
Thanks for joining us.
That particular meeting may no longer be active.
I suggest you call your local AA they should
have all the current meeting info.
Please tell them your situation...they are AA too.
Keep posting with us...you too can win over alcohol
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 4
Hi Samantha,
I had a lot of anxiety about my first meetings too but the more I go to, the easier they get. If you aren't sure what door to go in at, just wait for the next person to show up and follow them. Once inside you don't have to say or do anything, anything at all. I've now been to so many at so many different places that I realize that at every single one they're glad to have me there and no one will ever stress me. Please do go. Drive far away if you need to, but remember that if you see someone you know, they're there for the same reason and won't judge you or spread it around.
Someone posted this link somewhere and it was really helpful to me.
Your First AA Meeting<
Good luck,
Dawn
I had a lot of anxiety about my first meetings too but the more I go to, the easier they get. If you aren't sure what door to go in at, just wait for the next person to show up and follow them. Once inside you don't have to say or do anything, anything at all. I've now been to so many at so many different places that I realize that at every single one they're glad to have me there and no one will ever stress me. Please do go. Drive far away if you need to, but remember that if you see someone you know, they're there for the same reason and won't judge you or spread it around.
Someone posted this link somewhere and it was really helpful to me.
Your First AA Meeting<
Good luck,
Dawn
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: London UK
Posts: 86
Yes, I was like you for a long time, maybe six or eight months. I was always thinking a tabloid reporter was waiting outside the meeting room to catch me out or something.
I'm not sure why I felt that way, I was definitely high-strung in early recovery, and maybe my brain was looking for ways to get me back drinking.
In any case, my fear had no basis in reality, I always feel welcome in meetings. As for non-alcoholics seeing me go into a meeting, they never point and smirk, I don't think they care. Or if they care (e.g. ACOA), maybe they're glad you're going in.
I'm not sure why I felt that way, I was definitely high-strung in early recovery, and maybe my brain was looking for ways to get me back drinking.
In any case, my fear had no basis in reality, I always feel welcome in meetings. As for non-alcoholics seeing me go into a meeting, they never point and smirk, I don't think they care. Or if they care (e.g. ACOA), maybe they're glad you're going in.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 239
hi there, and good for you doing this!! there are other programs that you can access online. i have been using the "smart" program. you can google that for the website. it gives you cognitive therapy tools and worksheets to help you. i really like that program! i know that a lot of people think that AA is the only way to go, but it is possible that it may not be for all people.
that said, you might like AA if you give it a try. have you considered, or is it plausible/feasible for you to go to a different town? in the mean time, check out SMART; i think this site provides infromation on them, too.
good luck, and keep up the good work!!
gg
that said, you might like AA if you give it a try. have you considered, or is it plausible/feasible for you to go to a different town? in the mean time, check out SMART; i think this site provides infromation on them, too.
good luck, and keep up the good work!!
gg
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Kansas
Posts: 3,937
We have a celebrity at my home meeting. I have been familiar with this guy for more than a decade. If I were to mention a specific incident you would know immediately who this person is. I went to this meeting for more than six months before I realized who he is and only because he gave me his business card. I am there for the same thing he is. That's all anyone is concerned with.
I hate to burst your bubble but no matter how we try to conceal it, people know, they might not really know how bad, but they know.
Originally Posted by SamanthaC
But my drinking has been a secret to everyone in my life,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 27
Thanks to everyone who replied here. patman, that's awesome that you found someone to go with. dawn2010, that was a great link. I followed all your advice: driving to a neighbouring town, focusing on getting my butt in the chair, etc. I went to another in a neighbouring town a couple of days ago - the same town where I attended my first one. It was an open speaker meeting and a celebration of someone with 22 years and one year, so it was a big social, and I STILL went in and sat down and stayed. So not doing it in my town of residence definitely makes a difference. bimixer, have you had any progress with it?
It's interesting though. While I'd love to have someone to talk to about sobriety, I actually found the last AA meeting made me want to drink more because it had me sitting in one spot thinking about drinking for an hour. I'd gone feeling fine and came home really wanting one.
An interesting thing: at my first meeting, one of the greeters was an older man named Marcel, who sat two empty chairs away from me and offered me a mint. At my second, he was there too, and once again came and sat quietly next to me. He didn't say anything, just gave me a nice smile. They announced that he was about to celebrate 18 years of sobriety. When we all held hands during the Lord's Prayer, he squeezed mine at the end of it. I wonder if he spots my nervousness and is trying to make me feel more comfortable or something.
It's interesting though. While I'd love to have someone to talk to about sobriety, I actually found the last AA meeting made me want to drink more because it had me sitting in one spot thinking about drinking for an hour. I'd gone feeling fine and came home really wanting one.
An interesting thing: at my first meeting, one of the greeters was an older man named Marcel, who sat two empty chairs away from me and offered me a mint. At my second, he was there too, and once again came and sat quietly next to me. He didn't say anything, just gave me a nice smile. They announced that he was about to celebrate 18 years of sobriety. When we all held hands during the Lord's Prayer, he squeezed mine at the end of it. I wonder if he spots my nervousness and is trying to make me feel more comfortable or something.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by SamanthaC
T
It's interesting though. While I'd love to have someone to talk to about sobriety, I actually found the last AA meeting made me want to drink more because it had me sitting in one spot thinking about drinking for an hour. I'd gone feeling fine and came home really wanting one.
It's interesting though. While I'd love to have someone to talk to about sobriety, I actually found the last AA meeting made me want to drink more because it had me sitting in one spot thinking about drinking for an hour. I'd gone feeling fine and came home really wanting one.
Just coming to this forum over the last couple of days and reading all the posts etc has had an odd effect on me. The more I think about drinking and read about it, the more the temptation seems to creep into my mind.
I made a thread yesterday asking whether a 'former' alcoholic can ever return to moderate drinking. And since I've read all the posts, for some reason it's left an odd feeling in the pit of my stomach - it's hard to explain.
So this leaves me wondering if an AA meeting would be good for me or not. I wonder if it works for certain people, and for others it's just better to turn your back on it and just don't look back.
I certainly don't mean to sound like I'm discouraging anyone from attending the meetings, but I thought that I'd mention that.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Buzz-free Zone
Posts: 1,372
I am so grateful when I think back to when I first got sober.
In my bottomless pit of self-loathing, I somehow found my way into a LADAC's (Licensed alcohol/drug abuse counselor) office through my local community inpatient/outpatient rehab. I did outpatient counseling, one night a week (very flexible schedules), sliding scale (I had no insurance), confidential and a life-changing experience.
I really mean that. This counselor saved my life. He was very knowledgeable about addiction, understanding, patient, kind...I can't say enough good things.
He was also a proponent of AA but did not insist on it. I recommend a LADAC with or without AA just to be able to talk to someone who *knows* what you're going through and can guide you, especially in the beginning.
Samantha, you may also want to check out the 'women's only' forum here on SR. AA can be an intimidating experience at first, especially for a woman.
All the best ~
In my bottomless pit of self-loathing, I somehow found my way into a LADAC's (Licensed alcohol/drug abuse counselor) office through my local community inpatient/outpatient rehab. I did outpatient counseling, one night a week (very flexible schedules), sliding scale (I had no insurance), confidential and a life-changing experience.
I really mean that. This counselor saved my life. He was very knowledgeable about addiction, understanding, patient, kind...I can't say enough good things.
He was also a proponent of AA but did not insist on it. I recommend a LADAC with or without AA just to be able to talk to someone who *knows* what you're going through and can guide you, especially in the beginning.
Samantha, you may also want to check out the 'women's only' forum here on SR. AA can be an intimidating experience at first, especially for a woman.
All the best ~
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