I can't control anyone...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
I can't control anyone...
This is I know...believe it or not!
Ugh, I am really frustrated right now with my sister. Long story short, her ex fiance has become a drug addict, alcoholic, cheated on her last year, left her, got another girl pregnant....
and has since tried to keep my sister on a string. He is mean to her, manipulates her....and she can't seem to understand that he is NOT the person he was in high school. (They are young, high school sweethearts, she's in med school now...and well, he's on a path to nowhere.)
She has caught him in countless lies obviously and keeps letting him in to hurt her.
She said she no longer wants to be with him, which I believe. But she thinks that she can be the positive influence in his life that he "needs", because of course he manipulates her and tells her he will commit suicide yada yada....
Well, she confessed to me yesterday that she allowed him to visit her and go to a concert with her Fri night. He of course gets wasted, they get in a fight and he HITS her.
I LOSE IT!
I don't know how to handle this. She doesn't seem to grasp the severity. I am becoming angry about it. She still has not deleted him from fb, she leaves these venues open where he can communicate with her, though she says she is not responding.
She just posted up that she will be back in her hometown (where he lives, and the date) in her status for a concert.
I AM REALLY UPSET ABOUT THIS.
I am upset because he is dangerous and she is posting her whereabouts and when she will be there.
I want to be there for her, she is my sister, I don't want anything to happen to her.....I don't know how to handle this. What would you do? Would you do anything at all?
I just told her I am not getting involved anymore, and I don't understand why she would post her plans...when we JUST discussed not telling him anything about her life!! As he is already threatening to call someone she has started seeing.
It's a mess.
Ugh, I am really frustrated right now with my sister. Long story short, her ex fiance has become a drug addict, alcoholic, cheated on her last year, left her, got another girl pregnant....
and has since tried to keep my sister on a string. He is mean to her, manipulates her....and she can't seem to understand that he is NOT the person he was in high school. (They are young, high school sweethearts, she's in med school now...and well, he's on a path to nowhere.)
She has caught him in countless lies obviously and keeps letting him in to hurt her.
She said she no longer wants to be with him, which I believe. But she thinks that she can be the positive influence in his life that he "needs", because of course he manipulates her and tells her he will commit suicide yada yada....
Well, she confessed to me yesterday that she allowed him to visit her and go to a concert with her Fri night. He of course gets wasted, they get in a fight and he HITS her.
I LOSE IT!
I don't know how to handle this. She doesn't seem to grasp the severity. I am becoming angry about it. She still has not deleted him from fb, she leaves these venues open where he can communicate with her, though she says she is not responding.
She just posted up that she will be back in her hometown (where he lives, and the date) in her status for a concert.
I AM REALLY UPSET ABOUT THIS.
I am upset because he is dangerous and she is posting her whereabouts and when she will be there.
I want to be there for her, she is my sister, I don't want anything to happen to her.....I don't know how to handle this. What would you do? Would you do anything at all?
I just told her I am not getting involved anymore, and I don't understand why she would post her plans...when we JUST discussed not telling him anything about her life!! As he is already threatening to call someone she has started seeing.
It's a mess.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,863
You are right, you cannot control anyone other than yourself. Kitty, I have read your posts where you give good advice to people who are in situations very much like yours. What would you say to someone else who posted this? You can read stories like this each and every day here. The names and small details might change, but otherwise, it's the same stuff.
You know you cannot force her to do anything. You can beg and plead and yell and scream, but until she is ready to stay away from him, there is nothing you can do. She can't control him and you can't control her.
I think you are wise to tell her that you will no longer get involved.
(((((((kitty-boo)))))))
You know you cannot force her to do anything. You can beg and plead and yell and scream, but until she is ready to stay away from him, there is nothing you can do. She can't control him and you can't control her.
I think you are wise to tell her that you will no longer get involved.
(((((((kitty-boo)))))))
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
Suki-
Thank you! Goodness, sometimes I think I just come on here and "ramble" sometimes..
She called me, we did just have a long conversation. I certainly felt like I said what any mother should say to their daughter.
I realize I am not our mother, but our mother has still allowed this man in their home after everything he has done to her. That infuriates me. I feel she has a very hard time setting boundaries for herself because why should she if our own mother doesn't.
I admit, I did put in my 2 cents about the situation. She did get defensive, really made excuses for the whole event......but ultimately realized she has a VERY difficult time realizing that he is not the same person he used to be.
And yes, I did say that there is nothing else that I can do, or will do. Of course I will be there for her, but it is not my place to stop her from making mistakes, and I will not get involved like that again. I just have a difficult time with her making mistakes that could cost her her life.
But thank you, I really had a hard time with knowing the boundaries you put in place when it comes to wanting to protect your family from dangerous people in their lives.
Thank you! Goodness, sometimes I think I just come on here and "ramble" sometimes..
She called me, we did just have a long conversation. I certainly felt like I said what any mother should say to their daughter.
I realize I am not our mother, but our mother has still allowed this man in their home after everything he has done to her. That infuriates me. I feel she has a very hard time setting boundaries for herself because why should she if our own mother doesn't.
I admit, I did put in my 2 cents about the situation. She did get defensive, really made excuses for the whole event......but ultimately realized she has a VERY difficult time realizing that he is not the same person he used to be.
And yes, I did say that there is nothing else that I can do, or will do. Of course I will be there for her, but it is not my place to stop her from making mistakes, and I will not get involved like that again. I just have a difficult time with her making mistakes that could cost her her life.
But thank you, I really had a hard time with knowing the boundaries you put in place when it comes to wanting to protect your family from dangerous people in their lives.
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: UK and Australia
Posts: 447
We are so good at giving advice sometimes but when its ourselves we just can't give it to ourselves in quite the same way!...I try and relate stuff going on in my own life by saying to myself "right if this was...My best friend...what would I be telling her".....
It is so hard isn't it? Hard not to get involved too as she is your sister but good to step aside and let her make her own choice.....thanks goodness for SR where we can say exactly how we feel to others that truly do understand! All the very best to you and heres hoping your sister comes to the right decision for her.....take care Phiz :0)
It is so hard isn't it? Hard not to get involved too as she is your sister but good to step aside and let her make her own choice.....thanks goodness for SR where we can say exactly how we feel to others that truly do understand! All the very best to you and heres hoping your sister comes to the right decision for her.....take care Phiz :0)
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
I'm sorry that your sister is going through so much drama with her ex. You are a good sister to listen and care about her.
Maybe there is something in this sticky to help you when you try to share with her in future conversations:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ng-abused.html
(((kitty)))
Maybe there is something in this sticky to help you when you try to share with her in future conversations:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ng-abused.html
(((kitty)))
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Kitty,
I have a good friend who I have had to distance myself from because I just want to tell her what I am thinking about her situation. I literally have to remember the words I wrote to you when I think of her. It is hard!
I recently have been trying to break ideas down into small bites that I can remember. She is an adult. I cannot control her. Her decisions are none of my business.
Very hard when you care about someone.
Conversely, I havent spoken to several folks in a while (months) because they cannot stop commenting about my life right now. I am not interested in their opinions. Living my life the best that I can right now.
I have a good friend who I have had to distance myself from because I just want to tell her what I am thinking about her situation. I literally have to remember the words I wrote to you when I think of her. It is hard!
I recently have been trying to break ideas down into small bites that I can remember. She is an adult. I cannot control her. Her decisions are none of my business.
Very hard when you care about someone.
Conversely, I havent spoken to several folks in a while (months) because they cannot stop commenting about my life right now. I am not interested in their opinions. Living my life the best that I can right now.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
Thanks everyone!
MissFixit- I do totally understand what you are saying. I too have found that I distance myself from people when they make comments about things in my life to me. However, I am grateful to have many friends too who also allow me to make my own mistakes and are there for me when I need to talk.
My sister and I will be living together in 4 months when I leave my current place....finally moving back to my home state. She is in medical school and I am transferring to the University there. So I also have had to put boundaries in place for myself regarding her dealings with her ex. I will NOT have him in our apt. No if's ands or buts. I will not put myself at risk. Thankfully he lives 3 hours away.
At this point she is trying to gain the strength to cut him out. She is only 22 years old. Yes, incredibly smart, but incredibly naive.
I do agree....she has to live her life. I do feel that as anyone who has been there and done that, all we can do is share our experiences in life and what we have learned, pass it along, and let people do with it as they wish.
When it comes to my friends and family, though everyone has a right to live their life as they choose....to me, that doesn't mean I let them walk into a fire without giving them the warning sign. I didn't have anyone who really cared about me enough to want to protect me in my life, and I wish I had someone who had when I was younger. Even now sometimes. If that makes sense.
MissFixit- I do totally understand what you are saying. I too have found that I distance myself from people when they make comments about things in my life to me. However, I am grateful to have many friends too who also allow me to make my own mistakes and are there for me when I need to talk.
My sister and I will be living together in 4 months when I leave my current place....finally moving back to my home state. She is in medical school and I am transferring to the University there. So I also have had to put boundaries in place for myself regarding her dealings with her ex. I will NOT have him in our apt. No if's ands or buts. I will not put myself at risk. Thankfully he lives 3 hours away.
At this point she is trying to gain the strength to cut him out. She is only 22 years old. Yes, incredibly smart, but incredibly naive.
I do agree....she has to live her life. I do feel that as anyone who has been there and done that, all we can do is share our experiences in life and what we have learned, pass it along, and let people do with it as they wish.
When it comes to my friends and family, though everyone has a right to live their life as they choose....to me, that doesn't mean I let them walk into a fire without giving them the warning sign. I didn't have anyone who really cared about me enough to want to protect me in my life, and I wish I had someone who had when I was younger. Even now sometimes. If that makes sense.
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