Compilation from this board
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Compilation from this board
While I was lurking on this board for years I copied posts and sayings that helped me to see things clearly. I pasted them on a document to keep and read frequently. My regret is that I did not copy the name of the posters until recently. I am sharing them here today to say thanks to all of you who took the time to share you thoughts and feelings and also to hopefully help someone in their journey:
First Rule of Alcoholics: lie and deny
Second Rule of Alcoholics: make it somebody else's fault
Third Rule of Alcoholics: repeat rules One and Two as necessary
Hardest decision of my life but one that, in hindsight, was the only one I could make.
trying to understand why an alcoholic does what he does is like trying to scratch an itch that will never be satisfied
Decide whether you want to continue the dance of addiciton or get off the dance floor.
Here's what I learned about the addicts: I never figured out a doggone thing they did because they were both looney from all the booze. I did manage to trash my own sanity (what little I had of it), my health, my finances, my well-being, self-esteem, and anything else remotely "normal" that I may have possessed.
I lived my life on hope, too
choose to no longer be a part of the madness
he let his reality get so far from normal that his "Acceptable-O-Meter" needs major recalibration.
No friends and no people around equals no embarrassment. It is so lonely here." This entry is the most tame. Looking at earlier entries I am shocked that I am still married. We make our lives what they are. What a waste mine has turned out to be
Painful doesn't fit my feelings anymore. It did once but no longer. Now its just sadness that he is so far in denial and refuses to admit to and deal with his alcoholism. I left him almost 8 months ago and will be divorced soon. I saved myself from my lapse of good judgement (falling in love and getting stupid at the same time) and am working my own issues of codependency and all the other stuff that goes along with being raised by 2 alcoholics. I'm doing fine and haven't been this happy with my life in a very long time.
I felt that way too. What changed was I started realizing that his addiction turned into me into someone I didn't like (weak, whiney and insecure) so how could I expect for him to like me. He fell in love with a strong, secure, confident woman. That's who I wanted to be again.
When he reached the limits of his behavior, thankfully he stopped
He just cannot see himself as anything other than a victim.
To lose you as a love was painful. To lose you as a friend is equally painful. But lost you are. The walls are soooo high, and that finely honed saber I had when I began storming your citadel isn't even sharp enough to slash my wrist. It is not that I don't care.... It's just that I can't let myself care any more. The layers I have put around the pain of your going are thin... I walk softly through life, adding thickness each day... A thought or a feeling of you cracks the surface... A call to you shatters it all ..... And I spend that night in death...Spinning the first layer of life with the sunrise.
Sometimes we can choose the depth of pain we live in...
Alcoholics can't accept life on life's terms. They can't handle responsibility of any kind. They hate themselves. That's why they drink.
Elizabeth Lesser says that the depth of our grief is equal to the vastness of our love
He just worked harder to hide it.
My brain knows i need to move on....
but my heart just needs to catch up.
You cannot help an addict. they have to help themselves. Recovery is not a free ride. Let him do the work.
It's interesting that we feel guilty for choosing ourselves when they choose themselves time and time again. My therapist told me a story about a relationship she was in with an alcoholic. It took her a long time to leave and the thing that drove her to it was her beloved bicycle. To get away from his "crazymaking" she took bike rides. That bicycle was her salvation. As she detached more, he became more angry and abusive toward her. One day he told her that he was going to take that f-ing bike and destroy it. She finally thought--how can I stay with a man who will go to such lengths to destroy something I love so much? She and the bicycle left quickly after.
victim of the world
I had to stay, couldn't leave 5 yo daughter behind. We lost EVERYTHING, her vehicle repo'ed, mine to cover a 10k debt to a neighbor (another alki/drinking buddy), our home to foreclosure (couldn't sell in time...slow market), and I filed bankrupcy to keep GMAC and mortgage co from coming after me. She took all our stuff and probably has sold it for wine money (still unemployed after 4 years).
They say "either let go, or be dragged". If you plan to get out anyway, I would advise not to wait as long as I did. The consequences of their actions affect us too.
He had years to get sober, but he has chosen not to.
I am holding back while he is sober so that I don't have to face the pain when he drinks.
"You are mourning the loss of a relationship you never had."
The loneliest times in my life have been when I tried to drag the A in my life along in an attempt to have a "normal" life.
One of the factors in my decision to end my relationship with Richard was the relapse factor. It seems to be nearly impossible for alcoholics to achieve life-long sobriety. I can't live my life waiting for the other shoe to drop.
When living with an active acoholic things will get progressively worse. Just when you think he has hit bottom, the bottom drops out.
and the last one yesterday from Bookwyrm:
Just when you think you were living with your very own brand of crazy, someone posts something here to help you realise that you're not the only one!
First Rule of Alcoholics: lie and deny
Second Rule of Alcoholics: make it somebody else's fault
Third Rule of Alcoholics: repeat rules One and Two as necessary
Hardest decision of my life but one that, in hindsight, was the only one I could make.
trying to understand why an alcoholic does what he does is like trying to scratch an itch that will never be satisfied
Decide whether you want to continue the dance of addiciton or get off the dance floor.
Here's what I learned about the addicts: I never figured out a doggone thing they did because they were both looney from all the booze. I did manage to trash my own sanity (what little I had of it), my health, my finances, my well-being, self-esteem, and anything else remotely "normal" that I may have possessed.
I lived my life on hope, too
choose to no longer be a part of the madness
he let his reality get so far from normal that his "Acceptable-O-Meter" needs major recalibration.
No friends and no people around equals no embarrassment. It is so lonely here." This entry is the most tame. Looking at earlier entries I am shocked that I am still married. We make our lives what they are. What a waste mine has turned out to be
Painful doesn't fit my feelings anymore. It did once but no longer. Now its just sadness that he is so far in denial and refuses to admit to and deal with his alcoholism. I left him almost 8 months ago and will be divorced soon. I saved myself from my lapse of good judgement (falling in love and getting stupid at the same time) and am working my own issues of codependency and all the other stuff that goes along with being raised by 2 alcoholics. I'm doing fine and haven't been this happy with my life in a very long time.
I felt that way too. What changed was I started realizing that his addiction turned into me into someone I didn't like (weak, whiney and insecure) so how could I expect for him to like me. He fell in love with a strong, secure, confident woman. That's who I wanted to be again.
When he reached the limits of his behavior, thankfully he stopped
He just cannot see himself as anything other than a victim.
To lose you as a love was painful. To lose you as a friend is equally painful. But lost you are. The walls are soooo high, and that finely honed saber I had when I began storming your citadel isn't even sharp enough to slash my wrist. It is not that I don't care.... It's just that I can't let myself care any more. The layers I have put around the pain of your going are thin... I walk softly through life, adding thickness each day... A thought or a feeling of you cracks the surface... A call to you shatters it all ..... And I spend that night in death...Spinning the first layer of life with the sunrise.
Sometimes we can choose the depth of pain we live in...
Alcoholics can't accept life on life's terms. They can't handle responsibility of any kind. They hate themselves. That's why they drink.
Elizabeth Lesser says that the depth of our grief is equal to the vastness of our love
He just worked harder to hide it.
My brain knows i need to move on....
but my heart just needs to catch up.
You cannot help an addict. they have to help themselves. Recovery is not a free ride. Let him do the work.
It's interesting that we feel guilty for choosing ourselves when they choose themselves time and time again. My therapist told me a story about a relationship she was in with an alcoholic. It took her a long time to leave and the thing that drove her to it was her beloved bicycle. To get away from his "crazymaking" she took bike rides. That bicycle was her salvation. As she detached more, he became more angry and abusive toward her. One day he told her that he was going to take that f-ing bike and destroy it. She finally thought--how can I stay with a man who will go to such lengths to destroy something I love so much? She and the bicycle left quickly after.
victim of the world
I had to stay, couldn't leave 5 yo daughter behind. We lost EVERYTHING, her vehicle repo'ed, mine to cover a 10k debt to a neighbor (another alki/drinking buddy), our home to foreclosure (couldn't sell in time...slow market), and I filed bankrupcy to keep GMAC and mortgage co from coming after me. She took all our stuff and probably has sold it for wine money (still unemployed after 4 years).
They say "either let go, or be dragged". If you plan to get out anyway, I would advise not to wait as long as I did. The consequences of their actions affect us too.
He had years to get sober, but he has chosen not to.
I am holding back while he is sober so that I don't have to face the pain when he drinks.
"You are mourning the loss of a relationship you never had."
The loneliest times in my life have been when I tried to drag the A in my life along in an attempt to have a "normal" life.
One of the factors in my decision to end my relationship with Richard was the relapse factor. It seems to be nearly impossible for alcoholics to achieve life-long sobriety. I can't live my life waiting for the other shoe to drop.
When living with an active acoholic things will get progressively worse. Just when you think he has hit bottom, the bottom drops out.
and the last one yesterday from Bookwyrm:
Just when you think you were living with your very own brand of crazy, someone posts something here to help you realise that you're not the only one!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Hello RollTide
(when i see that, that song goes thru my head, "they call Alabama the Crimson Tide")
anyway, i cannot find that post you made that i wanted to use in my signature, so, I will just paraphrase and you can correct me.....
"100% of me could not change 1% of him"
beautiful. thank you for this compilation post too.
(when i see that, that song goes thru my head, "they call Alabama the Crimson Tide")
anyway, i cannot find that post you made that i wanted to use in my signature, so, I will just paraphrase and you can correct me.....
"100% of me could not change 1% of him"
beautiful. thank you for this compilation post too.
Last edited by wicked; 01-27-2010 at 10:59 AM. Reason: hilite quote
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Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 478
I loved this idea and when through all of my old threads to see some of the things that I could compile and remember more often.
These are some of the gems!
Anvilhead:
YOU are not powerful enough to influence somebody else's behavior. YOU are not powerful enough to CHANGE somebody else, even by changing yourself.
Alwaysthinking2:
Then I realized, I was miserable. Whether it was him, or whether it was me, or whether it was just some combination of "us," it didn't matter - miserable was miserable, and every day living with my xabf was gut wrenching.
Normal people, in abnormal situations, do not act normally. Does that mean I should have stayed because I was also responsible for the imperfection and dysfunction of our relationship? Of course not! I hope you come to the same realization.
Still Waters:
You are not part of that problem. There, I have spoken and cleared that up for you
Barbra52
The apologies I heard from my xAH were meaningless drivel meant to appease me and try to get back to the way he was most comfortable. I stopped listening to them.
maybell
Why do you want to live with someone that you have to detach from? What in the hell is the point?
GiveLove
I wish to god my mother had been a "quitter."
It would have saved me at least three decades of agony - abuse, low self-esteem, underachieving, and misery - and countless hours & dollars in therapy trying to put myself back together.
I know how you feel about 'giving up.' But sometimes you have to rethink those labels a little.
Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
You cannot be an effective parent if you are an emotional wreck.
L
And this one is a bit longer but really says it like it is.. I should have read this over and over until I really got it. I see it now, but it was probably to painful for me at the time.
Bella162
I'm not sure if i've got this right so correct me if i'm wrong, sometimes i can be a bit slow to catch on but are you saying that your partner is a manipulative , emotionaly and mentally abusive twisted, controll freek who you're afraid to be your open honest self with for fear of undesirable repercussions against you, and that you would like some help and advise on how you can alter your thinking even further to accomodate his abborant behaviour. Hey isitme, whilst I admire your dedication to matyrdome,I mean thats some real determinatin to the cause your showing there, To be quite honest, no i haven't any advice on how you can alter yourself even further. In fact I'd probably advise you most definatly not to give up your trying to predict his behaviour, in the end it might be the only thing that saves your life or even your kids lives. Prediction, Gut instinct. extra sensory perception, second sight. sixth sense ect ect.. We have those primitive feelings for a very good reason.. it's called survival. Why not try listening to your soul for a change, it's trying to tell you something.
Thanks to everyone who's helped me get where I am today. I'm still getting stronger and and have left the trees and can see the forest. Hopefully soon I'll be in the city..
These are some of the gems!
Anvilhead:
YOU are not powerful enough to influence somebody else's behavior. YOU are not powerful enough to CHANGE somebody else, even by changing yourself.
Alwaysthinking2:
Then I realized, I was miserable. Whether it was him, or whether it was me, or whether it was just some combination of "us," it didn't matter - miserable was miserable, and every day living with my xabf was gut wrenching.
Normal people, in abnormal situations, do not act normally. Does that mean I should have stayed because I was also responsible for the imperfection and dysfunction of our relationship? Of course not! I hope you come to the same realization.
Still Waters:
You are not part of that problem. There, I have spoken and cleared that up for you
Barbra52
The apologies I heard from my xAH were meaningless drivel meant to appease me and try to get back to the way he was most comfortable. I stopped listening to them.
maybell
Why do you want to live with someone that you have to detach from? What in the hell is the point?
GiveLove
I wish to god my mother had been a "quitter."
It would have saved me at least three decades of agony - abuse, low self-esteem, underachieving, and misery - and countless hours & dollars in therapy trying to put myself back together.
I know how you feel about 'giving up.' But sometimes you have to rethink those labels a little.
Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
You cannot be an effective parent if you are an emotional wreck.
L
And this one is a bit longer but really says it like it is.. I should have read this over and over until I really got it. I see it now, but it was probably to painful for me at the time.
Bella162
I'm not sure if i've got this right so correct me if i'm wrong, sometimes i can be a bit slow to catch on but are you saying that your partner is a manipulative , emotionaly and mentally abusive twisted, controll freek who you're afraid to be your open honest self with for fear of undesirable repercussions against you, and that you would like some help and advise on how you can alter your thinking even further to accomodate his abborant behaviour. Hey isitme, whilst I admire your dedication to matyrdome,I mean thats some real determinatin to the cause your showing there, To be quite honest, no i haven't any advice on how you can alter yourself even further. In fact I'd probably advise you most definatly not to give up your trying to predict his behaviour, in the end it might be the only thing that saves your life or even your kids lives. Prediction, Gut instinct. extra sensory perception, second sight. sixth sense ect ect.. We have those primitive feelings for a very good reason.. it's called survival. Why not try listening to your soul for a change, it's trying to tell you something.
Thanks to everyone who's helped me get where I am today. I'm still getting stronger and and have left the trees and can see the forest. Hopefully soon I'll be in the city..
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Missouri
Posts: 673
This is SUCH a cool thread! Wish I'd thought to copy down some of the brilliant posts I've read. I wonder if I'd max out the memory on my computer if I were to do that. We really are a brilliant, wise, feeling, passionate lot.
RollTide, I find it curious that you've been lurking for years. May I ask what gave you the impetus to finally post? Just curious.
RollTide, I find it curious that you've been lurking for years. May I ask what gave you the impetus to finally post? Just curious.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 169
Thank you for this thread, lots of very powerful words.
This is one of my favorites:
Originally Posted by McKrazy
"I've always looked at my relationship with my AH as such an intimate dance where we knew the steps without thinking. He'd do one thing, say one thing, and I would do my thing and it was automatic and graceful in an ugly dysfunctional way. When I started to change the dance it became uncomfortable and awkward, but I was at least out of the stupor of autopilot."
This is one of my favorites:
Originally Posted by McKrazy
"I've always looked at my relationship with my AH as such an intimate dance where we knew the steps without thinking. He'd do one thing, say one thing, and I would do my thing and it was automatic and graceful in an ugly dysfunctional way. When I started to change the dance it became uncomfortable and awkward, but I was at least out of the stupor of autopilot."
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Originally Posted by GiveLove 
It's got a great beat AND I can dance to it (am I dating myself?) 
you are not dating yourself!
and not me either, cause i dont know what you're talking about.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
American Bandstand reference LOL
Clark would often interview the teenagers about their opinions of the songs being played, most memorably through the "Rate-a-Record" segment (to which the phrase "It's got a good beat and you can dance to it" is credited, perhaps apocryphally).
--Wikipedia
--Wikipedia
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
I keep this pinned above my computer, and yes my RABF can see it and others whenever he is online here at my place.
Alcoholics are very selfish people. They only care about the "pain" that they are in, and don't give a damn about those around them watching it all happen.
It makes sure that I do not go to that rotten place again.
God bless
Alcoholics are very selfish people. They only care about the "pain" that they are in, and don't give a damn about those around them watching it all happen.
It makes sure that I do not go to that rotten place again.
God bless
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Originally Posted by transformyself
Brilliance, thank you! Especially this
and don't cry wicked. I remember when folks used to smoke in the grocery store!
and don't cry wicked. I remember when folks used to smoke in the grocery store!
Sigh.....
Well, in my defense it was in North Carolina, (tobacco central) so< I am sure they were one of the last ones to give it up.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 224
I've been reading older threads lately and bumping this one because it resonated with me and I hope others. I was also a long time lurker and I wish I would have been copying and pasting along the way! SR members have so much wisdom to share.
GM
GM
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Great thread--have never seen it before, so thank you for bumping it up, Gm!
I have my own "Wisdom of SR" folder where I've kept things over the years. When I have a bit more time, I will post what seems most pertinent here (it runs to 18 pages, so will cull for the highlights!).
I have my own "Wisdom of SR" folder where I've kept things over the years. When I have a bit more time, I will post what seems most pertinent here (it runs to 18 pages, so will cull for the highlights!).
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 224
Hp - I would love to see what you have "collected" over the years. I have been doing so much reading in the older threads lately and feel the urge to "like" so many of them. I was back in a thread from 2008 and apparently the "like" feature wasn't around then because I was scratching my head as to why there wasn't hundreds of likes!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: seeking sanity
Posts: 645
Imagine my surprise at seeing one of my old threads!
This place absolutely was an absolute godsend to me during a very stressful time in my life when I was married to an alcoholic. I went to AlAnon and also a counselor but the wisdom that I read here did more for me than anything else and I will always be grateful for that.
I have been divorced from my alcoholic husband for several years and I still come to this place to get grounded.
Gm0824, I'm glad that you found my thread and I wish you all the happiness that life has to offer. Keep searching and you will find your answers.
This place absolutely was an absolute godsend to me during a very stressful time in my life when I was married to an alcoholic. I went to AlAnon and also a counselor but the wisdom that I read here did more for me than anything else and I will always be grateful for that.
I have been divorced from my alcoholic husband for several years and I still come to this place to get grounded.
Gm0824, I'm glad that you found my thread and I wish you all the happiness that life has to offer. Keep searching and you will find your answers.
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