Im just a little lost
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Puyallup, WA
Posts: 8
Im just a little lost
My husband has been clean from oxy about a year now. We have been actively going thru this battle for almost three years now. For the first time in two years he has had a job for longer than 2 months (yeah, 3.5) but now we have moved on to something else. He is gambling. So far losing about 5 grand in the last three months. We are not living together, still recovering from all of the damage he has done but this last time of gambling I am just done. For the first time since this really blew up, I went and saw a divorce lawyer and came up with a plan for me. I told him that if he really wanted to stop, then he needed to come up with a plan to do so. He has attended one meeting so far, but as of now is rejecting the idea of counseling. Although we have not lived together we spend at least one night a week together as a family as well as random other times. Now I am saying no more. He can have our kids once a week but I am not coming over. He is now saying that if we get divorced thats its all on me cause I have a cold heart and I dont know how to show love. That I have not gotten over everything he has done to me or the results of his addiction. The sad part is, this is all probably very true. I have the wall of China wrapped around me and I am just numb, so that the next time he hurts me, maybe it won't hurt quite as bad. I am trying to find a counselor that I can see, cause I feel like I am just a mess. I need to help me, before I can really do anything. But he is saying thats its not so hard to just show love, that maybe I just can't anymore. I feel like he is totally trying to manipulate the situation to make this my fault instead of him, and I am having a hard time not letting it get to me. I just dont know what to do I guess. Like I said....Im a little lost. He is "clean" but yet in full addict mode. I love this man, I do...but I am about to lose my mind.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
Posts: 1,011
Did your husband quit the drugs without getting established in a recovery program? Because you do not mention that, i assume he just quit cold turkey.
what we learn in the recovery community is that just quitting the drugs is not enough and that the now-drug-free person has to attend recovery meetings in order to learn the proper way to deal with life without escape behaviors. So when you say your estranged husband has turned to gambling, i'm not surprised.
What does this mean for you? It means your husband has relapsed - the fact that he has not relapsed to his drug of choice is of no importance. Your focus needs to be on you and your children's protection. Your children are counting on you to protect them and give them a stable environment. They are counting on you to get educated about addiction so that you can know the truth and so the truth can set you free. They might not say that, but that is what is in their hearts. They are counting on you to have courage and not cave to the machinations of an active addict. I hope you do that.
what we learn in the recovery community is that just quitting the drugs is not enough and that the now-drug-free person has to attend recovery meetings in order to learn the proper way to deal with life without escape behaviors. So when you say your estranged husband has turned to gambling, i'm not surprised.
What does this mean for you? It means your husband has relapsed - the fact that he has not relapsed to his drug of choice is of no importance. Your focus needs to be on you and your children's protection. Your children are counting on you to protect them and give them a stable environment. They are counting on you to get educated about addiction so that you can know the truth and so the truth can set you free. They might not say that, but that is what is in their hearts. They are counting on you to have courage and not cave to the machinations of an active addict. I hope you do that.
my heart goes out to you. i want to address the guilt you feel, as a result of his manipulation. know this: he is NOT "sober". his head is not screwed on straight - he is mood altering, just as he has been doing for year. he's out of touch with reality. so, with that being said, does it make sense for you to take to heart what he is saying about you?
you have every reason, and every right, to feel as you do. my husband used to feel bad (about himself) when i did not wish to be sexual with him, as i started having comtempt for him - he thought that if i were more loving, it would in turn make him feel better about himself and our relationship, and that would be helpful. well, sorry charlie, my heart did not want to give myself to him. i think that's going on with you as well. when we do things and give to someone grudgingly, it just builds more resentment.
you are correct that he needs counseling. you have many bridges to build due to the dynamite he laid under them. he's not willing. there are very few options here i think, when you look at it that way.
this is a process and unfortunately it may get a little harder before it gets easier. but you have a lot of strength (i know this because of what you have been living with) - you just need to re-focus where you are going to now put your energies.
welcome to s/r. it's a great place for us.
you have every reason, and every right, to feel as you do. my husband used to feel bad (about himself) when i did not wish to be sexual with him, as i started having comtempt for him - he thought that if i were more loving, it would in turn make him feel better about himself and our relationship, and that would be helpful. well, sorry charlie, my heart did not want to give myself to him. i think that's going on with you as well. when we do things and give to someone grudgingly, it just builds more resentment.
you are correct that he needs counseling. you have many bridges to build due to the dynamite he laid under them. he's not willing. there are very few options here i think, when you look at it that way.
this is a process and unfortunately it may get a little harder before it gets easier. but you have a lot of strength (i know this because of what you have been living with) - you just need to re-focus where you are going to now put your energies.
welcome to s/r. it's a great place for us.
Well I am glad you are not living together. You have some space between you to try and get your strength back. That's a BIG PLUS!
My AH's DOC is opiates too...and he relapsed back in December. I told him we were separating because he started with the lying again....and that is not acceptable to Me. He is also using the same tactic on me that your man is using on you. They try to make us feel like it's "our fault" the relationship isn't working. They know what "codie" buttons to push, because we have conditioned them to know that usually works, and it buys them more time.
Your human, it hurts...but with time and you working your own program of recovery you will start to see things more clearly. His relapse is his problem...and he needs to be in a recovery program....if he were, he wouldn't be gambling. But that is his choice to make.
IMO you may want to go "no contact" for a few weeks while you get some support for yourself and get some strength back. It's hard to hold your ground when you are confused and vulnerable to his tactics.
You took a giant step by coming here. Sounds like you are ready to start healing. Let's put the focus back on you and what you need, okay? There are lots and lots of people here that will help you along the way.
Welcome to SR...you will get lots of support here.
My AH's DOC is opiates too...and he relapsed back in December. I told him we were separating because he started with the lying again....and that is not acceptable to Me. He is also using the same tactic on me that your man is using on you. They try to make us feel like it's "our fault" the relationship isn't working. They know what "codie" buttons to push, because we have conditioned them to know that usually works, and it buys them more time.
Your human, it hurts...but with time and you working your own program of recovery you will start to see things more clearly. His relapse is his problem...and he needs to be in a recovery program....if he were, he wouldn't be gambling. But that is his choice to make.
IMO you may want to go "no contact" for a few weeks while you get some support for yourself and get some strength back. It's hard to hold your ground when you are confused and vulnerable to his tactics.
You took a giant step by coming here. Sounds like you are ready to start healing. Let's put the focus back on you and what you need, okay? There are lots and lots of people here that will help you along the way.
Welcome to SR...you will get lots of support here.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Puyallup, WA
Posts: 8
He did start last week going to a meeting and called me very emotional saying he was gonna work the program and he realizes that he needs it. But I just don't know. He finally said last night, that he was willing to give me the space I needed as long as I was open and watched to see how he works his program. So whatever...we will see if he can truely handle that or if he flips out again. I don't know.
I have been looking for meetings for me in this area but most of them are in bad parts of town. I did attend one that was fine and dandy as far as time and place, but it was a small group of women and it turned into a male bashing party, and I thought to myself....well i do this by myself everyday, I wanted to find progress and help, not this. OH! And one of the regulars was drunk....at 9:30am. So I need to try again.
I don't want to give up on him, cause I feel like he has made it this far, but really!??! How much am I supposed to take? Its time he started worrying about me and his girls instead of his stupid self. Obviously that has gotten him no where, so I am really hoping he finds some sort of....something.... by going to meetings.
Thank you for your support. I really have no one else that understands. They either tell me divorce him or you are his wife, this is just what you do. But I know that I am concentrating on me, and well I don't really care if anyone says I am selfish. I have to get it together for my girls, cause I can't count on him to do so.
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Florida
Posts: 512
I'm sorry you are going through this, essentially again. One traded out for the other. You aren't being selfish for wanting a better life and concentrating on you. You are being brave and preserving yourself! Goodness knows, we at sr are with you on that thought process. I recall the day I found needles in my home and put my foot in his butt and left to spend the night with a friend. Oh, he whined and cried to friends that I didn't want to work on US. No kidding? Really? Of course I wasn't interested in working on a relationship with an addict. He died a week later of an overdose. Gambling is a serious addiction. The results escalate and since you're still legally married, you're going to feel it financially. I say go for your sista! Do you!
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
Posts: 1,011
I cannot strongly emphasize enough that you need a recovery program regardless of what your estranged husband does. You cannot stand up to another's addiction alone. You cannot distance yourself emotionally so that you can see more clearly what you need to do UNLESS you do it in the company of your own recovery group whether your husband chooses his own recovery program or not.
I agree that small meetings with only a handful of the same people are not where good ESH (experience, strength, hope) is found. So if you truly have no meetings you feel safe going to, then come here. There's a lot of wisdom here. There's a lot of people here who are enough ahead of you in their recovery who can help you in your own journey.
Please hear what I say. YOU need recovery from the devastating effects of your husband's addiction, and you need to do that recovery at meetings or here on this forum or both. Just as you saw your husband was not able to maintain recovery "on his own," neither can you. Those children are desperately looking for some stability - and you're it.
I agree that small meetings with only a handful of the same people are not where good ESH (experience, strength, hope) is found. So if you truly have no meetings you feel safe going to, then come here. There's a lot of wisdom here. There's a lot of people here who are enough ahead of you in their recovery who can help you in your own journey.
Please hear what I say. YOU need recovery from the devastating effects of your husband's addiction, and you need to do that recovery at meetings or here on this forum or both. Just as you saw your husband was not able to maintain recovery "on his own," neither can you. Those children are desperately looking for some stability - and you're it.
mama,
I hope you find a group that can give you the face 2 face support that you need.
You're living separately, that's great and meeting with a divorce lawyer really is just a meeting to answer some questions. Even proceeding with a legal separation or going all the way through a divorce would not mean that you couldn't 1. keep lines of communication open or 2. if he were working on becoming the man you want to spend the rest of your life with, start that relationship all over again. Nothing is final in life except death - we can make decisions, change our minds, and make different decisions - there are many options!
Good Luck.
I hope you find a group that can give you the face 2 face support that you need.
You're living separately, that's great and meeting with a divorce lawyer really is just a meeting to answer some questions. Even proceeding with a legal separation or going all the way through a divorce would not mean that you couldn't 1. keep lines of communication open or 2. if he were working on becoming the man you want to spend the rest of your life with, start that relationship all over again. Nothing is final in life except death - we can make decisions, change our minds, and make different decisions - there are many options!
Good Luck.
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