KerBearz

So, last night my drunk AH admits to me that he is not even trying to maintain sobriety (I was already well aware). Then, he tells me that he really doesn't care AT ALL if he is alone or with his family me and the kids). But - he will not willingly leave because this is his house... yada, yada.

Some of this might be drunken ramblings, but it doesn't even matter. I am sick of being mistreated for ANY reason!

Today it's a different story, of course. He loves me... I'm his best friend...

Well, whatever. I got about an hour of sleep last night and I was up at 4 am googling divorce attorneys.

What I am wondering from those of you that have been through this is... what was your process for divorce/separation? Lawyer first? Mediator? Just move out? Ask him to go? Some of my concerns are financial - neither one of us can afford the house on our own, but I am definitely in a better position than he is. I can afford to walk away, but not if I am tied to the expenses here. I appreciate the feedback if you have any.

gowest

Look around as there are some decent threads on this topic

1 - interview all the best divorce attorneys in your town/county/city once you do he can't use them even if you decide not to use them

2 - i wouldn't even bother with a mediator especially not with someone who is active addiction

3 - protect your finances and your credit - separate everything ASAP - document everything you can photos/videos/etc

good luck

stella27

You need to see a lwyer first so you can learn what is legally possible and what a judge is likely to order if you can't come to an agreement.

(((hugs))) I am sorry you are going through all this.

coffeedrinker

FIRST, i decided.

then, i had a consultation with an attorney (in recovery!) she put everything on paper (income, expenses, child support) and told me i could do this if i chose to

then i made the next decision, and told him about it.

my ex was a kind and passive man. he asked if it would be alright if he stayed for a month or so while looking for an apt. so in that respect, we are prob. different

after telling our children, him moving out, i got a little business thing (party plan sales) going to bridge the finance gap.

then, i played the "i am woman" song in my head when i fixed a faucet, carried out heavy things, put together the furniture that I bought, and was there for my children

KerBearz

Thanks guys. I'm freaking out! Hopefully I can sleep tonight and maybe it all won't seem so impossible in the morning.

I really appreciate all the wisdom here!

Bernadette

I felt better once I spoke to a lawyer. Well, maybe not better, I mean it's a huge transition with its attending sadness and finality...but I felt in control of my life and my future happiness!

good luck - easy does it!
peace-
b

TakingCharge999

I have not divorced or even married but when I keep revisiting my ultimate objective, doing whatever thing I need to do even if I feel uneasy is less painful. Keep revisiting your objective and adding as much detail as you can, make it vivid, its like the prize you will get at the end of it all. Taking it one day or task at a time, helps...

barb dwyer

Ker-

Bernadette has it right - make sure this is your decision.
You'll feel it.
Something will be ... different and you'll know - this is it.

Second thing -
something *I* was never (in four trips) afforded -

make your plan.

while you're waiting for the lawyer to call you back....

make a list.

know these sorts of things about yourself,
your life
your world:

know how much it costs
where it comes from
and how reliable it is.
*because*
if there's gonna be child support involved
you need to know a ballpark $ amount for the law-man.

Prepare ... for the worst.
Hope ... for the best.
Expect... nothing.

nodaybut2day

My journey was (roughly) as follows:

1) Hit rock bottom with XAH, had to run away from the apartment with baby because he lost it.

2) saw social worker...directed me to Al-Anon

3) found SR

4) Spoke with my EAP and got directed to a) legal aid b) domestic abuse shelter and c) counselling.

5) Spoke with various lawyers about my options re separation vs divorce, and filing custody papers.

6) Made many lists about what I'd take with me, what I'd leave, what I'd need to take care of (change of address, utility bills, stashing away important papers, moving costs, change of marital status with the provincial and federal government, etc).

7) XAH eventually got me to admit I was leaving him. Oops.

8) Continued to see a lawyer while going through mediation (this may not be the best option for you depending on how much your husband/partner cooperates) in the hopes of working out a fair custody arrangement.

9) Moved out while XAH wasn't looking

10) Now seeing a different lawyer and will continue mediation until XAH proves to be so intractable that I will serve him with custody and divorce proceedings.

I too felt/feel better the more I keep in touch with a lawyer. Whenever questions come up, i write them all down and make certain I address each of them during my consultation with the lawyer. It's very well spent money, and can save you lots of needless worrying.