I need you guys

Old 01-25-2010, 05:31 PM
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I need you guys

ABF and I have had a rocky few days. I finally told him that the past between him and I is haunting me and I don't know if I can get over it.
That everytime he sames something negative now, I'm reminded of the past.

He was here talking about us buying a house together, and I panicked.
He's only 25 days into being sober, and he wants us to buy a house?
When we lived together previously it was a nightmare. I'm absolutely terrified to live with him again. Not for my safety, but for my sanity, and my kids' sanity. I cannot pick up and move again to appease him, and I told him all of this. He's been appologetic and remorseful. I know he loves me, but as I said...I'm handcuffed to our past, I fear too much bad blood has come between us for me to forgive and move on.

Anyway....tonight he emailed me (after we had a conversation online) and thanked me for the talk and also asked me to help support him in his sobriety.
His words are "I am a very proud man and I don't ever ask for help but I am now asking you for help. I need your support with not drinking. I can't stop something I did on a regular basis for 20 years without your help."

I know from something I posted before that I cannot be his only support. But some very wise words were spoken to me, and I cannot find my post.
Can you please remind me of why I cannot be his support, and so I can pass this info onto him?
He knows full well that I'll encourage him the best I can, but it seems he's asking for more...something I cannot provide.
I'd even be tempted to direct him here, but knowing him he'd scour through this forum to see what I've posted about him. He'd know it's me...because my "name" here is my initials of my real name!

I forgot to mention that I think this cry for "help" is a way to keep me around, because there were talks of him and I not being together anymore.
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Old 01-25-2010, 05:50 PM
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I can't stop something I did on a regular basis for 20 years without your help."
Yes, he can.
he might not THINK he can, but he can.
And he's going to HAVE to
because there's only ONE power that can help us stop.

And that power isn't us.

It may work THROUGH you from time to time,
but ... you get the drift.

As an alcoholic,
(I've said that three times already tonight)
I just couldn't let that sentence
go unremarked.
I'm certain you already know that as well,
I'm just backing you up on it.

He knows full well that I'll encourage him the best I can, but it seems he's asking for more...something I cannot provide.
Your intuition is correct on that one.

but as I said...I'm handcuffed to our past, I fear too much bad blood has come between us for me to forgive and move on.
Well said. Have you told him that?
In those words?

When I tended bar,
I said,
"The first time I tell you, I'll always say it nice."
The SECOND time ... I say it so that I know I've been HEARD."

And I agree your statement about this just being
a way to try and make you stick around.

Just an opinion.

Some of the people who post on this forum
are the most eloquent I've read
in a while, so I'm going to get out of the way
and let them post something for you.
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Old 01-25-2010, 06:08 PM
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((Elsie))

I'm a recovering addict. When I'm struggling and have those thoughts of wanting to "numb" myself, the only people who are going to understand me are other recovering addicts or alcoholics. I ABSOLUTELY won't/don't tell my loved ones as I put them through he!! in my active years.

You are right that you can't give him the support he's asking for. He's perfectly capable of reaching out for the support that he needs and it seems to me he's asking for a lot to be so early in recovery. I, personally, would be feeling a lot like you...you've been hurt, and you're not able to trust him yet and you have every right to feel that way.

YOU have the right to take things at YOUR pace...this is your life and your rules. His recovery is HIS deal. If he wants it bad enough, he will find all the support he wants. I did, and I'm coming up on 3 years clean. I've NEVER told anyone "you need to support me, I can't do this without you" and I won't. I will never put MY recovery in anyone else's hands (other than HP), because then it is no longer my recovery and it's just not going to work.

Keep the focus on you, sweetie, no matter how much he wants to move forward and act like everything is all better.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 01-25-2010, 06:09 PM
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Hugs Elsie. I don't have any wisdom, but I have been thinking about you.
Is he in AA?
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Old 01-25-2010, 06:10 PM
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Is he not respecting your boundaries? Is that what this is? Cause it sounds like a guilt trip.
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Old 01-25-2010, 06:12 PM
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His sobriety is not your responsibility or in your control.
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Old 01-25-2010, 06:28 PM
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honey,

he has no choice here; he has to wait. you can say to him, very simply, that you are not ready. you are not ready. "recovering sweetie, i just don't know; i am not ready for any decisions"

there is no shortcut to clarity
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Old 01-25-2010, 06:29 PM
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You cannot be his support system because you are emotionally involved. He needs to be involved in a program with other alcoholics who are leading sober lives. Please don't allow him to guilt you into moving in together and most certainly do not buy a house with him. You deserve better and your kids do too. Just take care of yourself and them and allow him to work out his own sobriety. You don't have to give him an elaborate reason for saying no. As has been said here before...No is a complete sentence.
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Old 01-25-2010, 06:29 PM
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Yeah, thank you Coffeee, that sounds as sweet as I wanted to be.

Many hugs Elsie. You can trust yourself.
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Old 01-25-2010, 07:46 PM
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Originally Posted by Elsie View Post
.

I know from something I posted before that I cannot be his only support. But some very wise words were spoken to me, and I cannot find my post.
Can you please remind me of why I cannot be his support, and so I can pass this info onto him?
.
Look at the top of this page.
Locate the blue tool bar below your screen name "Welcome Elsie"
Click on the tool marked "My Posts" and you can pull up all of your previous posts.
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Old 01-25-2010, 07:52 PM
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I had a second thought also -

that 'I need to know you're never going to leave'
or however he phraed it...

is similar to what I hear in the Fellowship
said over and over again by people just starting out -

they want to stop drinking -
but they want to be guaranted
everything is going to be the same.
They want to keep the illusion that they're in full control
and everything is painless and worry free.
Besides the second part of wanting someone else to do it FOR them.

Neither thing leads to sobriety.

We've a saying goes like
"The only thing that has to change... is everything."
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Old 01-25-2010, 10:56 PM
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During the very last bout of controlled drinking, before he found AA, my husband tried to pressure me into having a third child with this gem:

Maybe I'll stay sober if we have a third child.

My reply: So the two we already have aren't worth it.

Do not do anything you are uncomfortable with. You are not responsible for his sobriety. I remember when I was starting in the program, I journalled over and over - I believe in God and I believe I am not it. If he wants sobriety he will find it no matter what I do. I kept writing it until I believed it. What is the hurry. If he is sober long term -1,2 years, then you can talk.
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Old 01-26-2010, 01:19 AM
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Originally Posted by ICant View Post

Maybe I'll stay sober if we have a third child.
I don't mean to hijack this thread but XAH said something similar about us having a child!!!! I knew enough to balk at that step, even though he had successfully used this trick into getting satellite TV, games consoles, moving house to another town etc etc... Just when you think you were living with your very own brand of crazy, someone posts something here to help you realise that you're not the only one!
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Old 01-26-2010, 01:54 AM
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All your love, support and presence in the past has NOT changed anything for HIM, but caused your a lot of stress and grief. You have gone thru this without any support from him, until it has sent you for help and support from those who have had similar experiences and nightmares.
Thus it should be for him....he needs support and help from those who know what it is to be an alcoholic, and to have fought against that addiction.

His responsibility is to himself, his sobriety, recovery and program.
Your responsibility is to your wellbeing, sanity and health and mothering your children.

Mothering him is NOT your job.

As for buying a house and moving in together.......NOT now and maybe never.

This can be put on hold, until he demonstrates his commitment to sobriety, and you are satisfied it is what you wish to do. The dangers of doing this now are legion.

He is only a few steps along his hard journey, and has a long road ahead of him.
Use that time to get in touch with YOUR wants, dreams, needs and who you are and then you can look at this with clarity, and not thru the fog of dealing with an alcoholic.

God bless
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Old 01-26-2010, 06:35 AM
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How are you today Elsie?
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Old 01-26-2010, 06:47 AM
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Originally Posted by nodaybut2day View Post
How are you today Elsie?
I'm ok...ABF and I exchanged a couple emails last night.....his reply confused me.

Here's what I said
"I'm here now!(He was emailing asking where I was, that he wanted to talk) Was just doing my nightly routine. I was also reading a bit from a book I have. I read your email asking me to help support you in your sobriety. From everything I've read, I realize and must tell you, that I cannot be your only means of support to get you through those difficult times. You know in your heart that I fully support your choice and I'm proud of you for it. But I cannot be there to support you and "talk you down" or offer advice should you feel the urge to drink. Now...I'm not certain that's what you meant, but that's how it came across. It also came across as a bit of a guilt trip, as in "Stay with me and help me through this because if you leave I'll start drinking again" and that's not fair at all. So....to be clear, can you please explain what you meant in that email?"

And here's his reply
"Nothing. You are talking like you have already broken up with me but just haven't either told me or you are just waiting for me to figure it out. I will never drink again either with or without you and that is that. There is no guilt trip, the fact I like being with you would make most happy. I want your support in other ways like emotional comfort but....well, but. I am not a page in a book. I made a decision and that is that."

??? I dunno what to make of that. The only thing I get from it is pouting and immaturity.
Which reminds me of this past weekend, he was over, asked me to get him something and I said I couldn't, he should get it. He said his legs were sore and he didn't want to get up, it became a little tiff and he said that I always get stuff for the kids, so why wouldn't I get it for him.
He's got that "King Baby" thing down to a T!!
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Old 01-26-2010, 06:53 AM
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"The only thing I get from it is pouting and immaturity."

My sentiments exactly.
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Old 01-26-2010, 06:55 AM
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Your instinct is bang on Elsie. As an outsider reading that email, I can also see manipulation and pouting. This b.s. about wanting emotional comfort can be translated to "I want to come cry on your shoulder whenever I feel weak". It's also a very convenient way of keeping you around.

As for "it sounds like you've already broken up with me"...it's just manipulation. He's trying to guilt you into saying "No no honey! I'm NOT breaking up with you", when it's clear that you're not ready to make any decisions.

Stand firm Elsie. Don't let him force your hand.
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Old 01-26-2010, 06:56 AM
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If he is in any kind of program, he would be advised to NOT make a major decision like buying a house in his first year of sobriety. He is 25 days. He has a long way to go.

Asking you to retrieve things for him is the total opposite of anything he would learn in a program like AA, which encourages the alcoholic to become less egotistical and learn to think of others.

Is he in any kind of recovery program?
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Old 01-26-2010, 07:00 AM
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Originally Posted by littlefish View Post
If he is in any kind of program, he would be advised to NOT make a major decision like buying a house in his first year of sobriety. He is 25 days. He has a long way to go.

Asking you to retrieve things for him is the total opposite of anything he would learn in a program like AA, which encourages the alcoholic to become less egotistical and learn to think of others.

Is he in any kind of recovery program?
Nope, he's not seeking advice from ANYONE including his Dr.
Not going to AA or anything even related to it.
He's told a few family members and close friends, that's all.
Doing it on his own, which I think is going to be very hard for him.
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