My wife
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 13
My wife
Thanks for this forum, i feel better here knowing i'm not alone. And thanks to Pheonix10, I see so much of myself in your post and know exactly how you feel.
Here is my story, will try to keep it as short as possible but my mind is a bit screwed up just now so I may ramble.
I met my wife 16 years ago, the first 10 years were great and untouched by alcohol, but about 6 years ago it began to push its way into her life. I knew something was wrong about 5 years ago but like everyone else I thought, no, it's not happening, she was functional. Anyway, it got too much for her to hide, then I knew it was really happening about 4 years ago, stole the reciepts from the supermarket, found the bottles, absurd behavior, all of it. I was scared out of my mind especially as her mother was an alcoholic (now well into recovery and alive). I confronted her with it, not that I hadn't warned her in the years before by telling her let's just drink at weekends etc. At that point she told me yes she had a problem and wanted to do something about it. Thing is, from the point she told me things have just went completely off the rails. During that time till this night as I write this she has taken me through hell countless times. I feel as if I cannot stretch myself any more. She has been detoxed in NHS hospital 3 times, she has been 3 times to rehab for 28 days at a time and i have taken time off work so many times to help her with home detoxes that I have lost count but I estimate about 20 times. One time we rented a remote house in the wilderness and took a few liters of vodka and a measuring cup and slowly detoxed with her that way. I cannot help myself from searching the house every time she slips looking for bottles and money she has hidden. I stopped giving her money a long time ago but now she will beg on the street for it to buy alcohol. She has taken things from the house, our stuff, her stuff, my stuff and sold it a pawn shops or to just anyone who will buy it. She has taken overdoses and I've called an ambulance for her twice, and I've had to call an ambulance when I've come home from work and found her at the bottom of the stairs in a pool of blood. She has been arrested i think 4 times, once it was serious and she had to go to court costing us about £300 for a lawyer. My work has told me enough is enough and it's my job on the line now. I'm totally at my wits end but of course I love her so much and I know you've heard it all before, but it hurts like nothing else i've ever experienced, to see her destroy herself like this. I try to detach but I can't help myself, I try to go to bed and sleep but get woken countless times with the sound of her falling over. I plead and plead and plead with her, crying, shouting, I've slapped her and I hate myself for that but nothing has any lasting effect. She can be sober a few months, six one time, and she is her old self and I think, this is it, it won't happen again. But it does. The last six weeks have been the worst, she is a binger and has had 4 binges in that time, each time i drag her to the doctor, the hospital, her addiction worker she see's now and then and she gets some librium, and she gets sober. Tonight when I came home she is drunk again and I feel like there is nothing left to do. Well I have thought about leaving her as many times as she has been drunk but I just don't know how to do it. What happens to her, she has no job, no money, where does she go? I feel bound to her through love and my responsibility to her, to think of her on the streets is unbearable.
I read on here, "nothing changes if nothing changes" and those words knock around in my head all the time. Have I done enough?
We are financially crippled by her drinking, credit cards are constantly getting used and like Pheonix i can't eat, sleep, work, wash, think with the worry about everything in my life and what a dreadfull situation me and her have ended up in, "it started off so well, they said we made a perfect pair".
Sorry for the rambling, any advice more than welcome.
One other thing, she is smoking our finances into extinction too, about £200 a month just for cigs. I want to say no to her smoking too but when she's sober I'm just glad she is sober.
Here is my story, will try to keep it as short as possible but my mind is a bit screwed up just now so I may ramble.
I met my wife 16 years ago, the first 10 years were great and untouched by alcohol, but about 6 years ago it began to push its way into her life. I knew something was wrong about 5 years ago but like everyone else I thought, no, it's not happening, she was functional. Anyway, it got too much for her to hide, then I knew it was really happening about 4 years ago, stole the reciepts from the supermarket, found the bottles, absurd behavior, all of it. I was scared out of my mind especially as her mother was an alcoholic (now well into recovery and alive). I confronted her with it, not that I hadn't warned her in the years before by telling her let's just drink at weekends etc. At that point she told me yes she had a problem and wanted to do something about it. Thing is, from the point she told me things have just went completely off the rails. During that time till this night as I write this she has taken me through hell countless times. I feel as if I cannot stretch myself any more. She has been detoxed in NHS hospital 3 times, she has been 3 times to rehab for 28 days at a time and i have taken time off work so many times to help her with home detoxes that I have lost count but I estimate about 20 times. One time we rented a remote house in the wilderness and took a few liters of vodka and a measuring cup and slowly detoxed with her that way. I cannot help myself from searching the house every time she slips looking for bottles and money she has hidden. I stopped giving her money a long time ago but now she will beg on the street for it to buy alcohol. She has taken things from the house, our stuff, her stuff, my stuff and sold it a pawn shops or to just anyone who will buy it. She has taken overdoses and I've called an ambulance for her twice, and I've had to call an ambulance when I've come home from work and found her at the bottom of the stairs in a pool of blood. She has been arrested i think 4 times, once it was serious and she had to go to court costing us about £300 for a lawyer. My work has told me enough is enough and it's my job on the line now. I'm totally at my wits end but of course I love her so much and I know you've heard it all before, but it hurts like nothing else i've ever experienced, to see her destroy herself like this. I try to detach but I can't help myself, I try to go to bed and sleep but get woken countless times with the sound of her falling over. I plead and plead and plead with her, crying, shouting, I've slapped her and I hate myself for that but nothing has any lasting effect. She can be sober a few months, six one time, and she is her old self and I think, this is it, it won't happen again. But it does. The last six weeks have been the worst, she is a binger and has had 4 binges in that time, each time i drag her to the doctor, the hospital, her addiction worker she see's now and then and she gets some librium, and she gets sober. Tonight when I came home she is drunk again and I feel like there is nothing left to do. Well I have thought about leaving her as many times as she has been drunk but I just don't know how to do it. What happens to her, she has no job, no money, where does she go? I feel bound to her through love and my responsibility to her, to think of her on the streets is unbearable.
I read on here, "nothing changes if nothing changes" and those words knock around in my head all the time. Have I done enough?
We are financially crippled by her drinking, credit cards are constantly getting used and like Pheonix i can't eat, sleep, work, wash, think with the worry about everything in my life and what a dreadfull situation me and her have ended up in, "it started off so well, they said we made a perfect pair".
Sorry for the rambling, any advice more than welcome.
One other thing, she is smoking our finances into extinction too, about £200 a month just for cigs. I want to say no to her smoking too but when she's sober I'm just glad she is sober.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: South Africa
Posts: 330
Welcome Ferry.
You are definately not alone. We all know the anguish of loving a person in the grips of addiction . After a marriage of 22 years I am in the process of divorcing my AH. I had to start looking after me after I realized that my physical mental and spiritual health was in danger.
It sounds as if you have done enough for her , now what are you going to do for YOU ?
You are definately not alone. We all know the anguish of loving a person in the grips of addiction . After a marriage of 22 years I am in the process of divorcing my AH. I had to start looking after me after I realized that my physical mental and spiritual health was in danger.
It sounds as if you have done enough for her , now what are you going to do for YOU ?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Oh ferry - you have so much on your plate. What a mess.
Welcome to SR! Keep reading and posting and check out the stickies at the top of the first page of this forum, There's a lot of good stuff there - esp. the "Classic Reading" section.
I find if I keep reaching out and accepting help and doing the hard work on myself that I am free even in what seems like the most impossible situations, I am free to make my life one of peace & serenity.
Glad you're here-
b
Welcome to SR! Keep reading and posting and check out the stickies at the top of the first page of this forum, There's a lot of good stuff there - esp. the "Classic Reading" section.
I find if I keep reaching out and accepting help and doing the hard work on myself that I am free even in what seems like the most impossible situations, I am free to make my life one of peace & serenity.
Glad you're here-
b
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
ferry,
i am so sorry about your unbearable situation. i'd just like to point out something you said, you have pleaded and pleaded, cried, shouted, even slapped her out of desparation. you asked if you have done enough -so, have any of those things worked?
please keep coming to this site, read, post when frustrated, and you will see more truths.
i am so sorry about your unbearable situation. i'd just like to point out something you said, you have pleaded and pleaded, cried, shouted, even slapped her out of desparation. you asked if you have done enough -so, have any of those things worked?
please keep coming to this site, read, post when frustrated, and you will see more truths.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
welcome to SR, ferry.
what a poignant read for a first post.
well, you're not alone any more.
I hope you can find something here
that can bring you some peace, some strength, some hope.
I am an alcoholic as well
and I can safely say
that when we're in the depths of our addiction
if we have someone who will continue to pay the way
and smooth things out for us
quitting
isn't necessary.
Just my own personal experience.
what a poignant read for a first post.
well, you're not alone any more.
I hope you can find something here
that can bring you some peace, some strength, some hope.
I am an alcoholic as well
and I can safely say
that when we're in the depths of our addiction
if we have someone who will continue to pay the way
and smooth things out for us
quitting
isn't necessary.
Just my own personal experience.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Australia
Posts: 167
Going to Al-Anon helped me realise that you can walk away from someone and still love them. You may not agree with the choices she is making but she is entitled to them. Her addiction has got nothing to do with you and everything to do with her own life's experiences. Keep posting because it was through journalling I was able to figure things out.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 22
Hi Ferry,
I am so sorry to hear about all of the pain you are going through.
I think you have come to the right place for support.
I wish I had words of wisdom to offer.
But I can only offer my deepest empathy.
May you find peace tonight.
I am so sorry to hear about all of the pain you are going through.
I think you have come to the right place for support.
I wish I had words of wisdom to offer.
But I can only offer my deepest empathy.
May you find peace tonight.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Hi Ferry,
my sincerest sorrow at the situation you are caught up in. It seems you have tried all you could to stop your AW from continuing down that path of misery and she is getting even worse.
The pain, distress and financial strain is past bearing for you, and now you are in danger of losing your job, so you need to take some action....but what?
No-one wants to cut off someone we love, who is so very sick, and yet often it is the only thing left to us.....to walk away from the toxic, insane and damaging situation.
Maybe getting her committed into care or rehab, and this time making her understand that she is not going to return home to you as she has in the past, unless and until she has a proven record of being sober and working a recovery program.
If she refuses or does not complete a rehab etc, do you think you can continue with your life being the hell it is right now and this just continuing?
She is damaged by her addiction and SO ARE YOU. Only when you are no longer there to pick her up, care for her and clean up after her, will she ever have a chance at healing.
You need space and time to "find yourself"again, and she needs to have the wake up call that you are NOT staying in the game, and she must do what she needs alone.
The hardest thing to ask of a caring and loving man like you, but this is close to the end of the line for you both.
God bless
my sincerest sorrow at the situation you are caught up in. It seems you have tried all you could to stop your AW from continuing down that path of misery and she is getting even worse.
The pain, distress and financial strain is past bearing for you, and now you are in danger of losing your job, so you need to take some action....but what?
No-one wants to cut off someone we love, who is so very sick, and yet often it is the only thing left to us.....to walk away from the toxic, insane and damaging situation.
Maybe getting her committed into care or rehab, and this time making her understand that she is not going to return home to you as she has in the past, unless and until she has a proven record of being sober and working a recovery program.
If she refuses or does not complete a rehab etc, do you think you can continue with your life being the hell it is right now and this just continuing?
She is damaged by her addiction and SO ARE YOU. Only when you are no longer there to pick her up, care for her and clean up after her, will she ever have a chance at healing.
You need space and time to "find yourself"again, and she needs to have the wake up call that you are NOT staying in the game, and she must do what she needs alone.
The hardest thing to ask of a caring and loving man like you, but this is close to the end of the line for you both.
God bless
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,649
I am so sorry to read your story. I am also the "alcoholic wife", and hopefully my recovery will last for the rest of my life, and I'll never put my family through the things I put them through, again. I am also codependent to three alcoholic brothers, so I see so much of myself in you as well!
Yes, alcoholics can also be codependent.
I don't think anyone here feels comfortable advising you to stay or go. That is a deeply personal decision, but Barb's words really jumped out of the page for me:
As so many here on Friends and Family forum advise, I think you could benefit greatly from going to Alanon. There you will meet people who are going through what you are going through, and they found solutions.
Yes, alcoholics can also be codependent.
I don't think anyone here feels comfortable advising you to stay or go. That is a deeply personal decision, but Barb's words really jumped out of the page for me:
I am an alcoholic as well
and I can safely say
that when we're in the depths of our addiction
if we have someone who will continue to pay the way
and smooth things out for us
quitting
isn't necessary.
and I can safely say
that when we're in the depths of our addiction
if we have someone who will continue to pay the way
and smooth things out for us
quitting
isn't necessary.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Hi Ferry, and 
to SR! This is a wonderful place and I do hope you keep coming back for support.
I'd like to post for you the 3 C's of addiction:
You didn't cause it.
You can't cure it.
You can't control it.
Please look at your post and think about the last two C's...Whatever you have done--cried, begged, raged, pleaded, nothing has worked to cure or control your partner's addiction. This is because you AREN'T THAT POWERFUL!
The only power you have is over yourself.
If you look back at your post, I think you'll notice that the pronoun "she" is very prominent. Do you see that? You are focusing almost exclusively on HER and not on yourself. It's time to take a step back and ask yourself "What about me? What do *I* want for myself? How will I get there?"
I try to detach but I can't help myself,
As much as your partner is addicted to alcohol and cigarettes, you seem to be addicted to taking care of her. This is codependence. Have you considered reading the book "Codependent No more"? It is an eye-opening read...
Please find a local Al-Anon meeting to get the support you need. I think you are realizing that your life is coming apart at the seams. This is utter insanity and you deserve better.
Keep posting!
to SR! This is a wonderful place and I do hope you keep coming back for support.I'd like to post for you the 3 C's of addiction:
You didn't cause it.
You can't cure it.
You can't control it.
Please look at your post and think about the last two C's...Whatever you have done--cried, begged, raged, pleaded, nothing has worked to cure or control your partner's addiction. This is because you AREN'T THAT POWERFUL!
The only power you have is over yourself.
If you look back at your post, I think you'll notice that the pronoun "she" is very prominent. Do you see that? You are focusing almost exclusively on HER and not on yourself. It's time to take a step back and ask yourself "What about me? What do *I* want for myself? How will I get there?"
I try to detach but I can't help myself,
As much as your partner is addicted to alcohol and cigarettes, you seem to be addicted to taking care of her. This is codependence. Have you considered reading the book "Codependent No more"? It is an eye-opening read...
Please find a local Al-Anon meeting to get the support you need. I think you are realizing that your life is coming apart at the seams. This is utter insanity and you deserve better.
Keep posting!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 13
Thanks for all your messages. I'm reading and digesting little by little. It's a slow process but things are beginning to make sense. I called up our medical insurance company today, they said she can have a 28 day stay in a rehab facility so it's an option but i don't feel there is any use in even mentioning that to her let alone dragging her there. I really feel like I should just let things go the way she wants right now, i.e. let her continue on her downward spiral and see what happens. She has been out today, vodka and cider from the local supermarket. I have no idea where she got the money.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
Welcome.
What a hardship!
People on this board talk about how we codependents develop "a new normal". In some other universe, we would hear someone else talk about the litany of complaints we have and say, "That's a crazy, unbearable situation you're in. Where are your boundaries? Why are you accepting this? That's not okay! You can't change them! You need to protect your children from this behavior and have the self respect you deserve to say no."
But in our universe we don't say any of those things to ourselves because we have inched our "normal" boundary out and and out and out until we can take all sorts of awfulness. A part of us knows its not okay (and that part brought us here) but the rest of us feels confused and sad and wishful and wanting and mad and all sorts of other feelings that keep us in the same situation.
I try to tell myself to bring it home (back to me). In my theoretical self, what is acceptable behavior and what isn't? The theoretical takes me away from the history and fears and hopes and all the rest that bogs down my clarity of thought.
Is it okay for a partner of mine to:
- hide drinking
- "take me through hell"
- sell my things to get booze
- spend my money on ciggarettes
- get arrested
etc. etc?
You deserve the same thing every human being deserves. To be loved. Honored. Respected. In a partnership of equals.
Do you have that?
If you are being treated otherwise, you can't get them to change. Only you can extract yourself from abuse.
Good luck! Keep sharing.
w:ghug3
What a hardship!
People on this board talk about how we codependents develop "a new normal". In some other universe, we would hear someone else talk about the litany of complaints we have and say, "That's a crazy, unbearable situation you're in. Where are your boundaries? Why are you accepting this? That's not okay! You can't change them! You need to protect your children from this behavior and have the self respect you deserve to say no."
But in our universe we don't say any of those things to ourselves because we have inched our "normal" boundary out and and out and out until we can take all sorts of awfulness. A part of us knows its not okay (and that part brought us here) but the rest of us feels confused and sad and wishful and wanting and mad and all sorts of other feelings that keep us in the same situation.
I try to tell myself to bring it home (back to me). In my theoretical self, what is acceptable behavior and what isn't? The theoretical takes me away from the history and fears and hopes and all the rest that bogs down my clarity of thought.
Is it okay for a partner of mine to:
- hide drinking
- "take me through hell"
- sell my things to get booze
- spend my money on ciggarettes
- get arrested
etc. etc?
You deserve the same thing every human being deserves. To be loved. Honored. Respected. In a partnership of equals.
Do you have that?
If you are being treated otherwise, you can't get them to change. Only you can extract yourself from abuse.
Good luck! Keep sharing.
w:ghug3
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 13
Things are still as bad, she is just out of hospital after 10 days. I come home tonight to a miserable mess again. I don't feel anything really, I just came upstairs and put on the PC and came here. If it's not the drink it's the librium, she seems to thiink she needs it even though she was basicially done with her detox and off the librium and if it's not there for "security" she goes for drink. I'm a bit dazed really. I keep telling myself to leave, I tell this to myself constantly. I look up the rental market online and see where I could be if I wasn't coming home to this. I feel totally shattered but I don't feel the panic about needing to rescue her, maybe because I'm completely out of options on that one. That detox she just had was courtesy of BUPA (medical insurer here in the UK) and they said quite frankly, this is IT, NO MORE WILL WE PAY. I just keep thinking that leaving her on the streets is or will soon be the final thing I can do in all this.
Oh and I was wondering if someone can answer me this. How am I part of the problem? I give her nothing to help her drink.
Oh and I was wondering if someone can answer me this. How am I part of the problem? I give her nothing to help her drink.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome back Ferry!
How are you part of the problem? Let me tell you how I was part of the problem in my marriage:
*When he appologized and promised to cut back/stop I believed him.
*When he pissed the sheets, I was the one doing the laundry.
*When he vomitted all over the bathroom, I was the one helping cleanup. The last time I left it for 2 days for him to clean up. But I still ended up being the one to wash the rugs and towels.
*When he bounced a check, I moved money into the account.
*When he drove home drunk, I didn't call the cops.
*When he had been drinking all day, I made sure he had something to eat. Then I made sure he ate healthy the next day.
*When he was drunk, I let him sleep in the same bed with me. Therefore, I went without sleep because of the snoring and sleep apnea.
By being present everyday in his life, I was saying it is okay to treat me and our children with disrespect. I was sending the message that I would take whatever he could dish out because of our marriage vows and my unconditional love.
I finally began to see that my comfort was just as important as his.
My life was just as important as his.
My happiness was just as important as his.
I started to take better care of myself. I used Alanon for face to face support, SR for 24/7 support and self-help books. I also have a great friend that works as a social worker. That is how I am walking my recovery journey.
We're here to support you as you begin yours.
How are you part of the problem? Let me tell you how I was part of the problem in my marriage:
*When he appologized and promised to cut back/stop I believed him.
*When he pissed the sheets, I was the one doing the laundry.
*When he vomitted all over the bathroom, I was the one helping cleanup. The last time I left it for 2 days for him to clean up. But I still ended up being the one to wash the rugs and towels.
*When he bounced a check, I moved money into the account.
*When he drove home drunk, I didn't call the cops.
*When he had been drinking all day, I made sure he had something to eat. Then I made sure he ate healthy the next day.
*When he was drunk, I let him sleep in the same bed with me. Therefore, I went without sleep because of the snoring and sleep apnea.
By being present everyday in his life, I was saying it is okay to treat me and our children with disrespect. I was sending the message that I would take whatever he could dish out because of our marriage vows and my unconditional love.
I finally began to see that my comfort was just as important as his.
My life was just as important as his.
My happiness was just as important as his.
I started to take better care of myself. I used Alanon for face to face support, SR for 24/7 support and self-help books. I also have a great friend that works as a social worker. That is how I am walking my recovery journey.
We're here to support you as you begin yours.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 226
Dear Ferry,
I don't typically post (just lurk), but I thought I'd speak up on this one. Four years ago, I was the alcoholic wife; I will have four years sober next month. Anyway, I didn't really see how bad things were until my husband finally made it clear that he was SERIOUSLY going to leave me if I didn't get help. He is the love of my life, but I was putting him through hell (though my addiction didn't allow me to fully see this until he put it into words). He knew he deserved a better life; he was heartbroken, but he was not going to live his life in misery anymore. It wasn't a threat or an ultimatum; it was him saving his own sanity. When I realized this was for real, I made a choice, and I got sober. I was never going to be "ready," but I was definitely finished drinking (so goddamned sick and tired of being sick and tired), and I eventually surrendered to the program that is Alcoholics Anonymous.
It took some time and a great deal of patience on both our parts for me the earn his trust again (after all that lying!), but we eventually made it, and for the past three years I have had the marriage of my dreams. Truly.
There is hope, but what others have said here is true: You need to take steps to take care of you.
I hope this was at least a little bit helpful.
I don't typically post (just lurk), but I thought I'd speak up on this one. Four years ago, I was the alcoholic wife; I will have four years sober next month. Anyway, I didn't really see how bad things were until my husband finally made it clear that he was SERIOUSLY going to leave me if I didn't get help. He is the love of my life, but I was putting him through hell (though my addiction didn't allow me to fully see this until he put it into words). He knew he deserved a better life; he was heartbroken, but he was not going to live his life in misery anymore. It wasn't a threat or an ultimatum; it was him saving his own sanity. When I realized this was for real, I made a choice, and I got sober. I was never going to be "ready," but I was definitely finished drinking (so goddamned sick and tired of being sick and tired), and I eventually surrendered to the program that is Alcoholics Anonymous.
It took some time and a great deal of patience on both our parts for me the earn his trust again (after all that lying!), but we eventually made it, and for the past three years I have had the marriage of my dreams. Truly.
There is hope, but what others have said here is true: You need to take steps to take care of you.
I hope this was at least a little bit helpful.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
I too would encourage you to start taking care of yourself better. Starting this very day.
Start visualizing your new life: where do you live, what do you do for fun and with whom? Have you started attending Al-anon?
When you are doing this, shed all guilt. You certainly did not make her become alcoholic and, as you have discovered, cannot make her not be one.
I wish you the best,
Start visualizing your new life: where do you live, what do you do for fun and with whom? Have you started attending Al-anon?
When you are doing this, shed all guilt. You certainly did not make her become alcoholic and, as you have discovered, cannot make her not be one.
I wish you the best,
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: UK and Australia
Posts: 447
Hi ferry so much great advise and experience and compassion above. Just wanted to say welcome to SR its a great place to be. I read and learn new stuff here every day and most importantly it keeps me sane. Take care and keep posting Phiz
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Dayton, Ohio
Posts: 82
Originally Posted by barb dwyer 
welcome to SR, ferry.
I am an alcoholic as well
and I can safely say
that when we're in the depths of our addiction
if we have someone who will continue to pay the way
and smooth things out for us
quitting
isn't necessary.
Just my own personal experience.
I am an alcoholic as well
and I can safely say
that when we're in the depths of our addiction
if we have someone who will continue to pay the way
and smooth things out for us
quitting
isn't necessary.
Just my own personal experience.
Ferry, hang in there. There are better days ahead trust me and you will start finding those better days with going to Al-Anon and finding things to help YOU. It is hard at first focusing on yourself but you can do it.
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