So0Confused

Hey. I'm new to all this so I have 101 questions, but basically, has anyone every been in a relationship with someone who went to detox/recovery and had it actually work out?

My boyfriend of 2 years, who I thought I would marry someday, recently admitted to me and his family that he was using oxy's for about a year, and it got pretty bad near the end (like stealing people's stuff for drug money bad). Everyone had some hunch he might be using, but he was going to school (he just graduated college) and he was working two jobs, both for over 2 years at the same place, so it was hard to tell. Then it finally all came out. At first I was relieved. Then I started to think about all the LIES and just got so angry. And now it's been two weeks since he got out of detox and he's going to NA and talking to a counselor, but I can't trust him at all. He got his cell number changed so people couldn't call him, and he wouldn't have to deal with that temptation. But then last night we went out to the local bar by our house and there were all these people there that are bad influences or bad people, people he used to call his friends, which i think he should cut all ties from. He's always been good to me, and I think is addiction was bad but I know some people who can't even function they get so bad, and he has a wonderful supportive family, so I know he can succeed. But maybe I'm lying to myself.

Seriously, is it worth it? It would be nice to hear someone have a good story about a relationship with a recovering addict that actual worked out.

Is there anything I can do, either with him or professional or whatever, that would help me get over my insecurities? I don't want to write him off before giving him a second chance, but by giving him a second chance am I just setting myself up for a lifetime of worrying and being hurt?

lightseeker

Hi and welcome. I'm sure that many will come along to share their experiences. I understand all of your confusion and your insecurities. One thing that helped me a lot was to learn and read everything that I could. I recommend reading some about what addicts and recovering addicts do but mainly I benefited the most from keeping the focus on my self.

It's normal not to trust someone that has lied to you. Trust takes a long long long time to rebuild. Also, as you learn about addiction you'll hear about how this is a life long disease and that is a factor in it as well.

My husband is a recovering addict with almost 5 years of clean time. That all sounds well and good but it has been the hardest 5 years of my life. I never worry about whether he will use or not anymore - that took about 1-2 years to get to that point and that was without any relapses. In the past, my husband had 7 years of clean time and then went back out. It took him 10 years to go back into recovery. Addiction is a nasty nasty nasty thing. So...it's important to remember that all any recovering addict has is that day. It truly is a daily reprieve.

The other thing that helped me to understand was that the substance abuse was put a symptom of the true disease...which is an underlying "sickness of the spirit" (as it is put in the big book of AA). It takes a long time and a lot of hard work to develop a new way of being.

Every minute that I have spent in meetings, working my own program, meeting with a sponsor, and working the steps has been worth it times 10. I realize now how truly sick I had become in the relationship I had in the past with my husband. It took me a long while to be able to recognize my own unhealthy behaviors...I really didn't know that I had any problems - I thought that the problem was mainly him.

The first year of recovery is tough. A newly clean addict is advised to totally focus on themselves. Anything that comes ahead of their recovery is something that they will likely lose is an expression that is said in NA/AA all the time. It's hard to take a back seat to something else in a relationship but if they are going to stay clean that's the way that it has to be.

It helped me to be working on myself during all of that time. Going to a good counselor that understands addiciton and the "anon" side really helped me a whole lot as well.

No one can predict how your loved one will do....there are lots of stories and not one of them is the same. There really is no way of knowing who will and who won't get and stay clean. Today - my husband is clean but I truly don't know what the future holds. I don't think that he will use again but it also wouldn't surprise me if he did.

I'm not worried about what he's going to do any longer because I know that I won't live with an active addict and I know that I am able to take care of myself and ready to do that at any time.

For me, I would honestly think long and hard about a future with someone with an addiction history without a lot of good strong recovery under their built. It can work out but as a relapse counselor told my husband and myself years ago - the only chance that you guys have is if you both work a strong recovery program.

Keep posting....no one will judge you so this is a wonderful place to be as you go through this part of your life's journey.

sofacat

The best relationship you can work on is the one you have with yourself.

Welcome to SR.

AlwaysGrowing

So0Confused

Welcome

Addiction is not fun. While reading your post something just hit me. You guys went to a bar.... Um.. You can't save him but not helping him either by going to a bar with him.

My best advice is read the stickes, check out the other stories as you will find many identical to yours.

Find and start going to Alanon meeting for YOU not him. It my help him by you being a example but you have been damaged by addiction.

Stay safe and work on you.

AG

meditation

Would you be happy letting him go? He may very well achieve his goals and stay clean. Any relationship is a gamble on what you get after 7 or 20 years. I am sure my husband of 25 years never imagined his wife would fall into addiction at the 20th year. He stuck it out with me and I've now got 16 almost 17 months clean.
If though you feel you can never trust him then do yourself and him a favor and move on, I will be the first to say that if my husband had been suspecting me and not trusting me I would never have made it this far because I would have felt you know what's the point, it doesn't seem to matter. I know so many people in rehab that have since divorced because the spouse or partner was not able to move on and it's not a bed of roses for anyone in addiction. I hope you can either let go or find help to deal with him if you decide to stay. Hugs.

coffeedrinker

Lightseeker really put it all out there - excellent post.

But, is there anything you can do?

The hardest thing, for you and your friend, is that it takes TIME. I think of rebuilding trust as in levels. You go up a bit, then there is a set-back.
It can be done, but he will feel your mistrust for a long time, and you will too.

The other thing, about those insecurities, is to get yourself as healthy as possible. In my opinion, it's a lifelong process. The healthier you are, the less crud you'll put up with - not saying he's slingin any.

I think it's clear what your heart is telling you. So if a hundred of us said "run, don't walk to the nearest exit" - would you? Prob. not. With that being said, go to al-anon, or therapy, or both. Educate yourself so that you will know how to support him without enabling, and so you will know if any red flags pop up in the future what they likely mean.

And I could not agree more, than being in a bar with a newly sober person is less than a good idea. Especially one that holds some people who are a negative in either his past or present.

I don't think you're lying to yourself by simply not knowing what the future holds. None of us really, truly do. You start lying to yourself when you see signs but you ignore them, when you make excuses for him or believe his, and when you believe that Wishing is the same as progress.

BBD

Hi SOconfused, My son is also an addict and has had 2 relationships since rehab. I'm not blaming anyone for the break-ups but I do think its very important NOT to drink with an addict. Whatever his choice of drugs are. Stay out of bars where his old friends hang and that would help alot also. He needs to change the playground he plays in and work on himself. Good luck and I hope you can regain trust...time will tell....Smiles, Bonnie

teke

i was always told that "if you hang around in the barbar shop, you are bound tp eventiually get a haircut". hanging around bars might not be a good idea for a recovering addict or old friends but the choice is his.

So0Confused

I want everyone to know how much I truly appreciate the responses! It's nice having someone to talk to outside of us and his family. We're all too close to be objective! But that was a really good point someone made about if you all told me to run, I prob. wouldn't! But it just wanted to hear some good stories and positive encouragement! So thank you so much. I am definitely going to go to a nar-anon meeting this Wednesday, see what that is all about. But this has been great, and very helpful! Thank you so much! And good luck in your journeys!

And the whole bar thing, I had second thoughts about it too, but he's not a drinker. We just like to shoot pool and stuff, so I figured what the heck. My mistake obviously... we would have been fine if his friends weren't there, but then again I can't control everyone, or anyone for that matter, so maybe it's best to find some new hang outs. Thanks again everyone!

LoveSaves12

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