Steven35

Hi everyone,
I have been in and out of denial of my substance abuse since the age of 13. I am now 35. There isn't enough room to list all the relationships I personally destroyed due to my addictions, nor is there room to list the excessive plethora of substances I have consumed.
Yet even through all of that horror, I still considered myself the quintessential Hemingway/Hunter Thompson tough guy who was somehow different and/or misunderstood and therefore filled with excuses to down 4 Xanax bars with a tumbler of whiskey, followed by a line or 5.
My patterns of abuse are often like this: 3 months of working out and eating/sleeping right followed by a month of massive drug and alcohol binging.
I do have Type 2 bipolar disorder with major depressive episodes which I believe plays 1 of the biggest roles in my abuse..

Today I'm down to 7 beers, 2 xanax and nothing else.. I just want to sleep peacefully again, without these poisons in me.. I can honestly say, I HATE, alcohol and pills.. I hate evrything about them, but sometimes the hopelessness and inexplicable despair.. hurts even worse

Sorry, I feel like I'm rambling.. Really, all I wanted to say was that I could really use some friends right now who understand what I'm going through.. I feel so alone even though there are many around me...

Thanks for reading,

Steve

Alice11

Hi Steven! I'm sorry you have been going through this. You are right that your bipolar probably play a huge part in your substance abuse. Are you seeing a doctor and on meds for that right now?

I've never really been addicted to pills, but alcohol and whatever else I can get my hands on, (coke, e), I am for sure. I've only been sober for 8 days, and it's been pretty hard watching people around me still party, but one thing for sure is I feel a lot better.

I too feel very alone in what I'm going through, but this site is awesome and the people here are wonderful!! Stick with us, because you and I are far from being alone in this.

joel

Hello Steve, good for you for wanting to quit. You sound a lot like me, work out eat right for a brief period then pollute your body to the fullest. My thought process was always, ill work out, sweat out all the toxins then I will have earned those beers/liquor. I went as far to convince myself that alcohol was the best way to replenish my body after a good work out. Anywho, welcome to SR, logging on a few times a day and reading the posts as well as posting has worked for me, 22 days sober. Keep your head up you can do it, whenever you get the itch log on, I'm telling you bro it works. --Joel

intention

Hi Steve, welcome and thanks for sharing.

I hope you stick around here and read and post some more. Many will relate to where you are right this minute. It's very lonely and scary.

I wonder is your doctor treating you for Bipolar aware of your alcohol and substance addictions?

Wytchy

Hi Steve,

I'm glad I found your thread! I logged in a bit ago and was unsure whether or not to start a thread of my own or just search for a thread that was somewhat similar to my own problems.

I know all about mixing medications with booze. I have been diagnosed with several personality disorders. Psychiatrist prescribing various medications, medical doctor prescribes pain killers (which I legitimately need).

When you said "I'm down to 7 beers and 2 Xanax", that really struck a chord for me.

A bit of background about me: I have successfully quit for 14 months. No drinking at all. That time went out the window when I thought "just a few won't hurt". Then quit 100% for 6 months...well you get the picture.

I'm here today hoping I can find the strength to really get serious about quitting totally once more.

Just Friday night (two nights ago) I drank 16 beers, have no idea how many Klonopin and Vicodin I was popping during that time. What scared the beejeezus out of me is that I remember trying to get to my bed and couldn't even walk. I remember crawling (this morning I remember this) and kept toppling over even on my hands and knees.

I now know what time I finally managed to find my way to bed. When I woke up today I had no idea it was Sunday until I got to my computer and saw the date. I checked the last email I had sent. I remember sending some pretty nasty emails before going to bed (ex boyfriend). Bottom line...I sent the last email at 9:53 yesterday morning. I did not wake up until 11:00 am this morning. Means I "slept" over 24 hours.

I consider myself lucky to have even woken up. I sat here and cried once I realized I had "slept" over 24 hours.

Like you, I want to get my life back to some kind of normalcy. I thought I'd hang out here and just read, read, read and maybe by stupid brain will finally get the idea there's no such thing as 'just a little drinking' for someone like me.

Best of luck to you and again, thank you for starting this thread.

least

Addiction is a lonely place to be. I'm so glad I found this site cause there's always someone here, day or night. Could your doctor help you to quit drinking/taking xanax? I do know that bipolar can be helped with the right meds but even so, when I was drinking I was negating the effect of the meds. My meds work better now that I'm sober.

I hope we can help you with support and understanding. We also have a mental health forum here, I find it very helpful.

Welcome to SR! Mental Health - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

CarolD

Here is an article you may have missed
perhaps it will give you some insight.

How We Get Addicted - TIME

Welcome to SR

intention

Hi Wytchy and welcome. We hope to see you posting here more.

Steven35

thanks so much for the quick replies... I feel like I'm alone in the universe and just reading your posts helps alot.. I never thought I'd be typing words like this.. thank u so much for taking the time

As far as meds for my bipolar disorder, various psychiatrists have been trying various cocktails for years.. Depacote, Lithium, Lamictal, Serzone, Prozac, Paxil, Zoloft.. etc.. and of course Xanax, which has given me great relief at times, but also I abuse it and have a HUGE tolerance... 4 mg is nothing for me.,..

Pain pills like Vicodin, or Percocet, (or anything with a 'codone in it) have always made me feel that my depressive espisodes are much better and relatively easy to deal with.. This is of course, another addiction and crutch... I dont want to run away from my problems... but it gets to much to tolerate. People I know think that I am so strong.. they see a 6 foot 175 lb guy who lifts weights on a semi-regular basis, and in reality I'm a quivering junkie who just wants a hug... In the past 2 days I've probably cried more than I have in my life...

Thanks everyone.. this means so much to me... if I seem a little rambling and nonsensical, forgive me.. my fingers are shaking and typing feels very horrid.


thanks again..

Wytchy

Thanks for the welcome, Intention. I'm still sitting here dazed thinking about the 24 hour 'sleeping' binge.

I counted my Klonopin and Vicodin to try and determine how many I gulped down during the last drinking binge. I know how much was in each bottle as of Friday morning. I had counted them wondering how many days before I could get each refilled. I'm about 4 days short now on each of them. Looks like every time I dug into the Klonopin, I did equal time with the Vicodin. At least I left the OTHER meds alone.

I plan on staying around here.

Steven35

I know exactly what ur saying, wytchy.. Before I begin drinking I usally say something like.. "OK.. only 2 xanax, and 1 percocet, thats more than enough" I actually feel positive when saying or thinking that.. Then, of course, I guzzle buckets of booze, and the next day VERY large amounts of pills are gone. I've always found it sickly amusing that I cannot figure out the complexities of the toilet flusher when I'm drunk, yet somehow I know just where the Xanax are...
Hang in there Wytchy... ur not alone, I'll be around all day and night..

Anna

Hi Steven,

It's the paradox of addiction isn't it! I couldn't always find the hidden bottle, no matter how obscure, but I couldn't remember to do things I had promised I would do.

I'm glad you found us!

Wytchy

Thanks again, Steven. I'm so glad I found your thread since you described in almost exact detail what I did Friday through early Saturday morning. I sent you a friend request. Hope I did it right.

I wish you the very best. Sounds like you're determined to reverse this downward spiral.

Steven35

oh, and for those of u that asked if my doc knows about my alcoholism.. the answer is no... I fear he will take away my Xanax and that will cause me to go deeper into alcohol hell than ever..

And to Joel.. we sound very similar... living a dual lifestyle of working out and healthy eating, followed by a nearly biblical drug/alcohol binge.. The thing is, I feel so much better when living healthy and active.. but then the depressive symptoms of my bipolar disorder kick in hard.. I run to anything then;.... anything that will numb that dread and hopelessness

I am well aware I am an addict, and I feel I am always running away from my problems, but it is because I never can see any light at the end of the tunnel.... Or any end to the tunnel....

Wytchy

Same here, Steven. My psychiatrist knows I have a history of alcoholism since I've attempted suicide too many times too count, even for me. I've always attempted it in the past by DELIBERATELY mixing meds with massive amounts of alcohol.

The last two suicide attempts were serious enough to get me a few days in the ICU unit and then a mandatory hold in the psych ward once out of ICU. That's how I wound up with my current psychiatrist. He was assigned to me after the mandatory psych hold.

My family doctor knows (knew) of my alchohol abuse. After my 14 months of sobriety, I was able to tell both of them I was no longer drinking and that was the truth.

Now when either or both of them ask me if I'm still drinking, I lie and say 'No', because like you, I'm terrified they'll take my meds away.

Not a good way to live (or possibly die).

Hevyn

Welcome Steven - and you too Wytchy. So wonderful to have you both join the family.

I had no one to relate to about my alcohol abuse. No one got it. When I came to SR I was still drinking. I'd sit at the computer, reading & crying - sucking down my 20th beer of the day. I had no intention of joining or staying here - but the more I read, the more I wanted what these people had. Everyone had been through all the same things I had, even worse. I finally didn't feel all alone in the world.

I had started drinking to lessen my social anxiety & shyness. In the end, I was totally isolated from everyone - living in a private hell, not able to go even an hour without my fix. Thankfully, you never have to reach that stage. You can learn to live again without your anesthesia. Steven, you say you hate alcohol. That has to be a plus - I was still madly in love with it when I had to lay it down.

We look forward to hearing how it's going for you - you're not alone anymore.

intention

Hi Steven

Have you thought about going to AA or NA? Being here on SR is great but it would be better if you had someone to talk to face to face, particularly as you don't feel you can talk to the right now although that might change when you make the decision to quit alcohol for good.

intention

That's good you are going to stay here. Have you ever thought about AA, NA....would you consider it?

Wytchy

Hi there Intention!

Yes. When I was able to stop drinking for 14 months straight, I was attending AA meetings.

I am not intending to denigrate AA by any means. I had a home group in my town I regularly attended (as in every day). Maybe it was just my home group, but I got burned out. It was a large meeting, but no matter which table I sat at, there was always ONE person who led the table and several other people at all tables who just repeated their same stories day after day.

It got tiresome hearing the same people say exactly the same thing they said every single day at every single meeting. I live in a small town so there were only two other meetings to choose from. I did give the other two meetings a try, but honestly (not making excuses) it was the same thing.

After 14 months of sobriety I decided I could go it alone. I was wrong but now there's only one meeting in my little town and it is my original home group. That's the meeting where just a handful of people repeated themselves (verbatim) day after day.

My car isn't mechanically sound to get myself to any meeting out of town. That's why I was happy to find this online group.

intention

Hi Wytchy,

I understand what you are saying. It is important to go to meetings where the solution and recovery are shared as well as the stories and what it is like to drink.

Having said that, that's the only meeting you have access to. How about just trying to go for one a week to start with. This disease we have will do anything to get us to drink or use and it will get your head listing all the reasons why you shouldn't go to the meeting. It's suceeding.

Try to make the other list - all the reasons why you should go and it is benefical for you. Put out of your mind all the boring negative crap your head tells you and really find some good points and keep your mind focused on them.

You know from experience you cannot do this alone. Yes this site is fantastic but finding yourself a good sponsor will be of enormous benefit.....you need to work the steps to recover.......and you will only find a sponsor if you keep going to meetings.
Take care.