Needsomechge

my best friend has been addicted to pills, pain killers, xanax, soma, whatever he could get, for 2 years. It got so bad the last 6 months he was no longer himself and got so trapped up in the addiction he almost lost everything. If it had not been for me, he would of lost everything a while ago. I don't know if I should regret the things I did to stop that from happening (paying his bills, rent, 'believing' his lies, ect.) because I was only enabling him...and not letting him realize the consequences of his actions... OR be content with my choices because he did finally decide to ge help and entered a treatment program, and when he gets back he will still have a decent life to come back to.

He has been in treatment less than a month, and him and I have been together for over 3 years, the last 2 of which he was an addict. During those 2 years I spent so many times trying to hold him up to walk, watching him fall asleep sitting up, slurring constantly, dealing with him making a scene every time we went in public. I knew he was taking over my life, and I was more worried about his needs and him being okay than I was about my own life and needs. I never even thought about walking away, I wish I would of because I know I should of, but I couldn't. I loved and still love him with all my heart--too much I am starting to realize. I wanted to 'save' him. I am not a therapist or psychologist, but I can assume that this stems from the fact that 5 years ago I lost my brother to a drug overdose, he was 24 at the time (he is 3 years older than me). He had been battling with addiction all of his life- drugs, alcohol, everything. I was very close to him, very close, and still don't think I have properly learned to handle his death. I do however believe my brother is in a better place, and I pray is much happier there, where he can be free from his addiction. It doesn't make me miss him any less though, that is for sure.

So back to my best friend, semi-boyfriend (long story, but in the end it worked for us, we were the closest of close and the truest of true to one another). I just didn't know what to do to 'save' him, and I am sure I made some good and some bad choices in trying. I do take responsibility for all the choices I made, and want to learn how to avoid making those bad ones, those that only enabled him, in the future.

Like I mentioned, he did finally made the choice to get treatment for his addiction. He realized he couldn't do it on his own and that he was out of control. So on Christmas day, he went into a detox center and straight from there to a very intense faith based 10 month recovery program.

I have not had any communication with him since he enter, on the 1st of the year. I am not legally family, so I really am not allowed to be involved in what is going on as far as his recovery, which is VERY hard for me. I feel like I WAS the one who had to deal with his addiction, it hurt me the most, I was the one who made him finally see he needed help, and I am the one stuck with handling everything here in the 'outside world' while he is in there- like his bills, apartment, car, ect. It does not make sense to me, its not fair to except me to support him but not let me be any part of his recovery process...especially when they emphasize the importance of family involvement. I was his family, maybe not legally, but as far as love and support goes I was his family. His addiction has taken a far bigger tole on me and our relationship then that of his and his family's. I am the one who had to call and tell his parents he has a drug addiction problem to start with, they didn't have to see him fall apart from being the most amazing person to someone who couldn't pay his bills, had no money, lost his friends and made me lose mine as well. I am just lost with it all, and on top of it all, I feel like I am being secluded from being able to help him with his healing when if it wasn't for me, he would be dead or on the streets. It would be one thing if he didn't want me involved, I would respect that, but that isn't the case. I almost want to give up at this point, I am trying to supportive and make sure his credit card bills are paid, he doesn't default on his student loans, his utilities get shut off, end his lease, store his car- take care of his entire life so he can spend the next 10 months recovering (his parents don't have the money, not that I do, but they are way worse off than I am). Now I am wondering why I am even doing it?!? He hasn't even written me a letter yet, so now I wonder, maybe he thinks our relationship isn't good for him-- am I going to be a fool and keep taking care of his responsibilities that he can't for 10 months just to have him come out and want to make a 'new start' without me? I don't really see that happening, but maybe I am blind, right now I don't know what to do, and there is no end in sight.

I have been reading a lot of peoples stories on this site, and found it very helpful and think I could really benefit from learning from you. I just needed to 'write' about what "my story was" and share it, just get it off my chest. If you have been in a similar situation, or can relate in anyway, have advice, whatever- I would love to hear from you. I am so sick of feeling so alone with this all.

hello-kitty

Welcome. You are not alone. I'm glad you found this sight. We all have different stories yet they are all similar so you'll find lots of support here.

Good for him for going to rehab. As his best friend, the most helpful thing that you can do is back off and let him recover - on his own. I know it's hard. But it's really the only way. He has to do this on his own right now. And you have no control over what he does. Accepting that is hard. It sucks. But it's reality.

All I can say is "this too shall pass" and life goes on. I can't predict the future but I am sure you will hear from him in time. He's not just going to disappear from your life. And if he does then remember "if you love something set it free, if it comes back to you then it was meant to be, if it doesn't then it wasn't really real in the first place."

You didn't cause his problems. You can't control his choices. You can't cure him. But you can fix YOU. We all need our own recovery. You need to recover from the unhealthy codependent aspects of your relationship and recover from your brother's death (I'm sorry by the way.)

Have you thought of al-anon for yourself? Al-anon is a program geared towards friends and family members of addicts and alcoholics. Have you read co-dependent no more by melanie beattie? This is a GREAT book. Doing these things will help prepare you for your future.

So many times we think it is the addict who needs to do the work to get better, but we do too. It is at least, if not more important that you focus on yourself right now. If youre not willing to do the work you need to do on yourself, then why should you expect it from anyone else? Examining yourself and accepting responsibility for your own mistakes is huge. Doing what it takes so you don't make the same mistakes again is even more important.

Welcome to the site! Many more posters will be along soon. But I strongly recommend al-anon and learning all you can about codependency and enabling through reading.

Needsomechge

I have gone to about 5 al anon meetings, and have found them helpful and a great place to get support for myself. Some were better than others, and I am actually going to one tonight I went to last week that I really enjoyed. I have also bought a lot of books, almost too many, on codependency and enabling. I almost am afraid I am spending too much time learning and thinking about all of this, hopefully it is healthy.

I know I need to change, and it is just not him (the addict) who needs to. I really do know that, and I want to change. I want to be happy and learn to have a healthy relationships. I appreciate your post, thank you, it really is the truth. I will continue my readings and going to meetings...one day at a time.

On a final note - I often find myself muttering "this too shall pass" throughout the day- funny you mentioned that.

Thanks for your reply, you speak with wisdom

Ann

I am so glad you are going to meetings and hope you will find some answers there. I'm not sure why you continue to pay all his bills when it is a financial hardship for you. These are his responsibility, yes? And just because he is in treatment doesn't mean that he can't take responsibility for them or for losing credit because of the mess he created.

He is the addict, he is the one in treatment and he is the one who should be handling his life situations.

I know you mean well, I did the same thing for my son many times...but it was a terrible mistake because it just made his life too easy and robbed him of lessons he needed to learn to grow up and take ownership of his own life.

Meetings will help, they helped me. And one day you will look at all this with more clarity and maybe see that one-way relationships mean that we are doing all the work while they reap all the benefits.

I'm glad you joined us, stick around, others will share with you also. And keep going to those meetings, they may save your life.

Hugs

teke

hi, welcome to sr. glad you found us but hate the circumstance. first, i'm sorry about your brother, i do understand how you must miss him. l lost my little brother to addiction a few yrs back.

i agree with ann on this one. i'm curious to know, why are you "taking care of his entire life"? this is his responsiblity, right? i've been in rehab myself a few times, and i HAD to figure out how to take care of my own responsibilities with kids to think about.

i think maybe if your bf didn't have you to depend on to do what he should be doing for himself, he might be more apt to do it himself.

i think it might be a good idea for you to seriously consider your motives for taking care of his issues, if you are doing it expecting something or a specific reaction from him, you may.may not be in for disappointment. now if you are doing this out of the goodness of heart and is not expecting anything, then thats a different story.

regardless of your reasons, i think maybe you are kind of standing in the way of him really seeing how badly his addiction is effecting his life. i doubt if he can really see how his addiction is effecting you emotionally or financially. jmho.

i do agree that maybe in time, he will eventually contact you. in rehab, they strongly encourage the a to focus on themselves and what they need to do to get their lives on track.

i think maybe its time for you to focus more on you and allow him to do the same. you are in my prayers.

Done_With_It

That was my questions as I was reading your story.

I'm not sure there is any difference.
When I quit meth it was one of the hardest things I've ever done, but I did it because I didn't like where my life was going and what I saw happening. My years of meth use brought me down a lot farther than I had ever been but building myself back up is one of the things that helped to give me back my self confidence.

Not letting him deal with the mess he made or created is not helping him imo,
your depriving him of his own growth and stopping him from dealing with things that he needs to deal with. We do drugs , we have consequences and we have to fix them. If he doesn't have to he's liable to not clearly see where the drugs took him and how bad they messed up his life.

Every so often when something makes me think of how much easier it might be with a good ol line. All I have to do is remember how hard I have worked to get where I am today. I know what meth did to my life and I hate it because of it.

I think when we give to people with expectations we are bound to be disappointed and get resentful. There are no guarantees of what will happen when he gets out of rehab, paying his bills and being okay with it because you are expecting things to go a certain way, is setting yourself up for disappointment.

You mentioned how you wanted to help him heal and get better. Addiction affects everyone involved, personally making yourself #1 and helping yourself heal would be my priority.
In rehab you have to make yourself #1 and I think when we are the happiest in our lives is when we make ourself our number one priority.
Putting yourself in second place is always going to bring you pain.

JMO

outtolunch

Remember reading Catcher in the Rye, in school? Remember that part where Holden is fantasizing about being the gatekeeper, of sorts, in a field of rye on the edge of a cliff, where children play. When the children get too close to the edge, Holden runs in and scoops them up.

The meaning of this, in the context of this work, is that Holden distrusts all adults and wants to keep all the children safe, from what he perceives is the corruption of adulthood.

This is what happens when we do for others what they can and/or should be doing for themselves. We rob them of the opportunity to grow up and realize the consequences of their own choices.

There is no reason for someone to grow up and take responsibility for themselves, when someone else is willing to do so, for them. I sometimes think that the enabled know this, on some level, and oftentimes use and resent those who enable them.

Think about it.

coffeedrinker

I don't know if I should regret the things I did to stop that from happening (paying his bills, rent, 'believing' his lies, ect.) because I was only enabling him...and not letting him realize the consequences of his actions... OR be content with my choices because he did finally decide to ge help and entered a treatment program, and when he gets back he will still have a decent life to come back to.


Yep, this is a hard one. It is possible that when he comes back to his decent life, he will turn things around, be grateful and (hopefully) pay you back in many ways. But unofficial "statistics" show otherwise. Don't dwell on this, it can't change anything. You can however, learn from it.

I wanted to 'save' him. I am not a therapist or psychologist, but I can assume that this stems from the fact that 5 years ago I lost my brother to a drug overdose

I truly don't think that this is the reason, but the reasons aren't what matters at this time.

I never even thought about walking away, I wish I would of because I know I should of, but I couldn't. I loved and still love him with all my heart--too much I am starting to realize. I wanted to 'save' him.

So back to my best friend, semi-boyfriend (long story, but in the end it worked for us, we were the closest of close and the truest of true to one another). I just didn't know what to do to 'save' him, and I am sure I made some good and some bad choices in trying.

I can totally relate to this. Me too, exactly. I have only begun recently, after several years of "together after best friends" and another relapse, to re-think sticking it out with him.

I too, am much closer to mine than his family. They don't see anything firsthand, I am the one who spends his birthdays, christmas, lifts him up, etc.
But, let me talk about his treatment.

When mine went into an intense program, he had meetings, groups, and work almost every single day. For someone not used to that, plus getting up EARLY every morning, plus the sheer intensity of all of that, it's a little overwhelming. He was FRIED at the end of every day. It was hard to wanna TALK to anyone else, esp. if that someone wanted to find out how things were going, or more "rehab" stuff. However, he did write me letters, several times a week, so that part isn't the same. But, let me agree with the other poster that they want these guys to focus on their recovery, there is a lot of work that needs to be done, skills to be acquired, worship, chores, etc. He may still be on some kind of deal where he can't use the phone yet. Why don't you call the place and ask a general question about communication and visiting hours (although I would not suggest you show up without being invited)

I would also ask, like the others, why you feel you need to continue paying his bills? He loses his apartment? So what, that's not a big deal. And if you are paying his c.card bill so he doesn't get bad credit, well, that's not the end of the world either. He does truly need to feel his consequences, rebuild his life, and it sounds as though he is taking you for granted.

Keep going to al-anon, and if you find a meeting you like, go to that one. Friendships are waiting for you. Also, remember: gifts don't have strings. If you are giving with an expectation, or in the hopes that he will be eternally grateful, show you and tell you what a stellar friend and human being you are, pledge his undying love or whatever, your giving is misplaced.

atalose

I think it’s great you are going to al-anon, its very important for you to work some kind of a program for you.

It’s nobel you want to continue to “take care of him” his credit cards, loans, rent and utitiles, etc. but is that realistic for you for the next 10 months?

You mentioned that he went into this program on Jan 1, well that’s been 3 weeks now and it would seem to me that at some point he is going to have an “aha” moment and questions about all of those things, maybe then he will reach out to you.
Not trying to sound harsh here but I also sense a lot of thoughs from you on “being owed” for all you did for him. Owed by being apart of his recovery, owed by being acknowledged by him for “saving him” and then of course the real dollar value for all the bills you have taken care for him.

This relationship doesn’t really seem to be defined, you’re his best friend – semi girl friend. What exactly does that mean to the both of you? Are you both on the same page as to exactely what this relationship is, or are you on one page thinking, beleiving and wanting something that may not be what he is thinking, beleiving and wanting.
You say you feel shut out, is that because you have not heard from him? Do you talk with his parents? Have you attempted to reach out to him, have you called or sent any kind of letter asking him about his rent, bills, etc. and what his intentions are in handling all of that for the next 10 months?

Insulated

I'm so glad you found this forum. I read your post and it mirrors my own life. Read the book Codependent no more my Melody Beattie. I too was his best friend. Live in "hole". He is dead now and detaching is the best thing I could've done when after the rehab stunt, he relapsed into hyperusing. We are here for you on this forum. So many similiar stories. The all end in betrayal, lies, theft, deciet. Pain. Implement your self preservation. IT's a must and this forum is a God send!

Needsomechge

Thank you all for taking the time to read my story and share with me...your comment definitely have made me look inside myself more, and see that so much of it is MY CHOICES, not his, and that I am the only one who can change those choices. He is not making me pay his bills, I chose to because I wanted to be supportive while he is in rehab- so whoever said it, you are right, I can not expect to be owed anything for doing what I have done. Its hard to cope with the understanding that I need to just "Let go, and Let God" and its out of my control whether or not my BF will be in my life after he finishes his program. I am truly just happy he is getting help, and hate feeling selfish because his treatment does not include me. Its hard learning to live without your second half.

I am glad for the lack of drama in my life and the constant worrying and helpless feeling I had before he entered rehab. Finally I am able to step back and see how wrapped up in it all I got, and how much my own life has fallen apart, and that I, ME, need to concentrate on MYSELF and my needs- in other words, learn to love myself. But, I still miss him- he was the one I called to tell everything to, from stupid things to very important things, he is the one I used to feel comfortable crying to and telling my fears to, and he was the only person who could make me feel better. He has hurt me, but he has loved me a lot more. I accept that I was a codependent ( a month ago I'd never heard the term) and I am committed to work on my own recovery with that, but there isn't a overnight cure...and in the mean time I am dealing with a lot of loneliness from everything. I will keep trying to keep my head up, go to meetings, and get through this, and hopefully it will get easier. I hate missing him so much when I know he is where he needs to be, its a selfish feeling. I am so scared to be without him.

sofacat

When we codependents are separated from our DOC- "The addict" We experience our own type of withdrawal from them and the chaos. The quiet and the lonely nights are our worst enemy, just like addicts. We are addicts too, just without the drugs and alcohol. Fear is our trigger, panic is our trigger, suspicion is our trigger, loneliness is our trigger, loss of control is our trigger, guilt is our trigger...hell, their "triggers" are our triggers! We have a long list of triggers...we are very needy people.

When I went into "crisis" mode...I literally stayed on this site every waking minute I could, and went to meetings...still do. It helps...it all helps.

I still miss him- he was the one I called to tell everything to, from stupid things to very important things, he is the one I used to feel comfortable crying to and telling my fears to, and he was the only person who could make me feel better. He has hurt me, but he has loved me a lot more.

Why wouldn't he be those things to you? You're paying his bills and making sure everything stays ***** dory in his life...he!!, you even helped him stand up. I'd be a great friend to anyone who was doing those things for me too. Where does that leave you in all of this? Lonely and a little bit poorer.

You said it best yourself..."I knew he was taking over my life".

...good friends won't do that.

Just a thought.

sofacat

Funny...they edited my post...so I will spell it differently so you guys can know which word not to use in ANY context....

"hunkey dory"

weird.

Insulated

I'm glad you're here at SR. It will do worlds of good for you to read and reread others stories. When I read your post I can't fathom why you would pay someone else's bills while they are away for 10 months. That is nearly a year of your life you will lose in a sense. I had an experience when my fiance' overdosed. We lived together. In chaos, for almost 3 years. He overdosed and died. No family here. Just me. His mother is deceased and father estranged. His aunt called me and told me to go ahead and have the service here and they would have one in his home state without the body. I was stunned!!! LIKE HELLO, where am I supposed to get the money to bury your kin? When family isn't completely in the loop, it's kind of out of sight out of mind. Can you get in touch with his family and say something like this is as long as I can pay for blank. After that, I don't know what you intend to do for your son...

Needsomechge

I don't want this to come off like I am cover up by enabling behavior at all, but I do want to clarify that I think I exaggerated a bit about paying his bills for the next 10 months. When he first entered rehab, I had to pay to to get him out of his apartment (break his lease /9huge pain in the ass w/ the landlord), get carpets professional cleaned, have a cleaning service come in, and pack up all his stuff and then get it plus his furniture into storage. All the things that one dreads, even when they are moving themselves! It was so sudden he agreed to treatment, and entered rehab, that I never really processed it (as far as my feelings or what I was really doing) and just reacted to the situation at hand... he was gone... and somehow he needed to get out of that apartment and get his bills turned off.

After a month of reading here and going to meetings I probably wouldn't of been so quick to feel like I needed to jump and get those things done right away...but I had none of the wisdom I have learned here to help me think before I act, or not act at all. What I paid for, I am over, truly, it is done and I can put it behind me, I don't expect anything from it, (yea I did hope he would be thankful I make sure his outside life didn't crumble when he entered the program...and I think he truly is)

I have thought many times the last week about the comments some of you left about my "true intentions", and in this instance, my true intentions were do act out of the genuineness of my heart. However, I am not saying that there are not other times I look back on and things I have done when you are absolutely right, my intentions were not so innocent, and I did things because I wanted something in return. Mostly that was too feel loved or needed. How pathetic of me, but its the truth.

Now, after month one, I am not continuing to take on all of his financial responsibilites. I certainly took my fair share in the first few weeks of this all, and feel that was more than I needed to do. If his family thinks they need to be the ones participating at his "family programs" then they should be the ones stuck with the mess he left back where we lived in SD. I know the importantce of family, my family means the world to me. But I still am very bitter that this program puts such a HUGE emphasis on the "family's involvment", without considering which people this addict's addiction had had the greatest impact on. The family now gets to play "savior", when they never knew there son was completely out of control with his addiction until I got the courage to call and tell them. I think family programs are very important in the recovery process, but I feel very betrayed by it all. It was not his family who had to deal with all of the lies, the manipulation, always covering up, having their life savings drained into this addict and his disease. I GOT HIM TO AGREE TO GO TO REHAB, I BETRAYED MY BEST FRIENDS TRUST AND FINALLY TOLD HIS PARENTS HOW OUT OF CONTROL HIS LIFE WAS. He has been lving with me the last 4 years, not his parents, they don't even know what his addiction downward spiral was like.

So here is how I see it: I went through the days of hell, the worry my addict was going to die, overdose, kill himself more nights than I can count. I saw him turn into a whole different person, and tried so hard to fight it, I saw him unable to walk, to talk, to go out in public. I loaned him over $3k to make his rent and pay his car insurance. I felt used, but hopeless to walkaway. No one else seemed to know, or if they did they turned a blind eye. After losing my brother to a overdose 5 yrs ago, I couldn't just walk away and say screw it, do things your way. I did that with George, my brother, and less than a month later my mom found him ODed on cocaine in his apartment. I am not trying to use this as an excuse for my enabling behavior, I just want you to recognize why I am such an idiot-- I couldn't save George, but maybe I can save my addict now?!? False hope- but its whats been mind screwing me. I . Anyway, there things I did for my addict I do know they were all enabling him, but please believe me, I never knew that until this last month, and if i could make I would change it, but I really thought i was helping him.

Before I lose everyone on here- my point is, does anyone agree with why i feel so abandoned by his program, when they want the family so involved, but what about the best friends whose BEEN the addicts family the last four years they have been fighting addiction and the family was not involved in his life. The point of a family program is to make the addict understand how he has let down those who care about him most, and work to save the family relationship. I have read their family manual i found online, and I just don't understand how his family can honestly answer those questions- or if they do, how their answers would portray a true picture of whats my addicts addiction has caused on those who love him the most, and those who HAVE for the last 4 years been by his side. I know 10x more than anyone in his family knows about him, and his mother is constantly calling mne to ask me information about her son. It just goes to show.

I lost a lot to get my addict into the program he is today, but I would do it all over again, he needed a new start. But I certainly didn't go through all the torture the past 3 months to get him into the program he is in now, to have the door slammed into my face once they took him in. My addict and I will tell you that the relationship we feel we need to work on the most is the one with ourselves (well behind our own relationships with our own HP). But not at where he is. I can't see the value of not allowing my addict and I to communicate for 10 months, its like they only want to force us out of each others lives. Would God want to rip apart two best friends who had always watched over one another, had the most loyal, supportive, and real bond between them health? When the one friend who put everything, everything, they had into getting their addictive friend into the program to then just be shund away from being able to participate in any part of his healing best friends recovery? As that best friend, I can't say I would of pushed him into recovery like I did if I would of known that recovery, at least this particular one, would isolate me from all contact from my best friend for 10 months, while allowing family to come every weekend. They call themselves a family there at the program.. and they are not blood relatives, so they obviously see that people can become family without a blood tie. Completely hypocritical, and in my mind this policy alienates the enrollees from keeping even those healthy outside relationships they had prior to rehab. Many not many of them had just positive people, but some do. I deserve a little more respect from his program considering the role I played in his life, not his family, they abandoned him, but now they get to play the martyrs

Callie

I totally understand how you feel. When my AH entered rehab @ first I was about out of my mind because he didn't sign a release form for them to speak with me. I later found out he did this on PURPOSE. It was so unfair because as you said - I had been the one taking care of him throughout addiction.

The only thing that I can say is that you need to hand his things over to him. Have his mail forwarded to where he is and let him deal with it. I can't think that he wouldn't get in touch with you at some point, but so far he's not. Hand his things back over to him and worry about yourself and working on you. If or when he does contact you, you'll BOTH be in a better place with recovery time under your belts. None of this is fair, but unfortunately that's what addiction does to the addicts themselves as well as those who love them.

Sorry you are here, but welcome! Lots of great people and great advice at SR.

hello-kitty

I think you deserve more too. Actually I think everyone on this board deserves more than what they get when it comes to the way they have been treated by the people who they love more than anything in the world, and more importantly, the people who supposedly love them back.

Unfortunately we have no control over how other people treat us. We have no control over the rules set by rehabs that we don't own. And it may be unfair, but as my mama always said, "life isn't fair."

The best thing we can do is set boundaries so that IF someone takes advantage of or us treats us poorly, we have empowered ourselves to walk away without leaving our heart and soul behind.

Yes it hurts. Dealing with reality can be very painful, but if we don't have boundaries it hurts even more.

So now, while he is in treatment, I hope you will take time to learn about yourself and decide how you WANT to be treated in this life. And then set boundaries about what kind of behavior you will accept when it comes to the people you surround yourself with. And then determine what you will do if someone violates those boundaries.

That way, this will never happen to you again and at the very least, you will have grow immensely because of the situation you have been put through.

teke

i do understand how you feel and your reasoning. you said you haven't talked to him but have you talked to his counselor at the center? someone posted above about signing a consent form so is it possible that your bf just haven't gotten around to signing one for you?

i married my abf and because we lived together, they did consider me as family, but that was yrs ago, maybe the rules have changed or are different there.

i agree with the others, hopefully he'll contact you soon so for now, try to focus on getting yourself in a healthier place. hopefully thats what he is doing.