My Babies Birthday

Old 01-23-2010, 10:15 AM
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My Babies Birthday

Hello All,

I am on the second weekend without the AH. Weekends were always the worst and I told him until he finds a place to live, he will need to stay somewhere else on the weekends. I am sad for my daughter right now. Their birthdays are 1 day apart, he is on Jan 22 and she is today. She came in my room around midnight last night crying. My AH had left her a message about how much he loved her and how 19 years ago when she was born it was the best day of his life. He was all choked up in his message. She was crying because, she said "since I can remember, Dad and I always celebrated our Birthdays together". I was so sad for her and tried to comfort her but just feeling this whole thing sucks.

I tried to explain that what we are doing is the best for him although it is not easy on all of us. I said "sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing to do are the same". I think that is from a song but it rings sooo true for me right now.

I decided to decorate the house for her. She is at work until 3pm and I am hoping that this will cheer her up. My youngest daughter just said to me that Jess seems so sad and it is her Birthday. We are always so happy on Birthdays, what is wrong with her?

Feeling really down today and hope it passes cause I know if I cave, things will remain the same.

Thanks for listening.

7
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Old 01-23-2010, 11:51 AM
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Stay strong, jrt girl, and love your daughter today with all your strength. It is hard to break old habits, especially when you're only 19 and don't really know how the world works yet. You are spot-on with what you're telling her.

And, by the way, many alcoholics seem to love to say maudlin, self-centered, self-pitying things like your AH did, even if it hurts someone else (like your daughter) they don't seem to mind. That would make me plenty mad.
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Old 01-23-2010, 01:18 PM
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I hope you had a good time celebrating your daughter's birthday and she appreciated the effort you've put in. And you are right, nothing changes if nothing changes. Stay strong!
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Old 01-23-2010, 02:32 PM
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Old 01-24-2010, 08:16 PM
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Oh and a hug from me too.....thank goodness for SR where we can go to say how we really feel....for the good days, for the bad days and any days thank goodness for SR....god bless you and your daughter Phiz
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Old 01-24-2010, 09:16 PM
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Happy Birthday JRG's Daughter! I hope that, in spite of your grumpy and as GiveLove said; maudlin (great word!) AH's comments, it was a great day for your daughter!

HUGS!
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Old 01-25-2010, 08:13 AM
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Hope it all turned out well. It's hard to change old habits but like you said sometimes it's for the best. And you have to think if it was as important to him as it was to her he could have picked her up for lunch or dinner. Just because he wasn't at the home to celebrate didn't mean he couldn't see her. Maybe there is more to it than that, and my comment seems off, (I hope not) but I think there were otherways he could have made being gone less painful for her. Like GiveLove said.. what a self-pitying thing to do. I'm sorry and I hope you were both able to have a good time.
:ghug3
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Old 01-25-2010, 01:28 PM
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I can remember about 4 years ago, inviting my AH to my eldest son’s birthday who was turning 18. My AH wasn’t living with us at the time and I felt guilty and hoped we could still maintain some family traditions. In previous years, he had always been able to sober up for these special days and I had hoped he would do the same for his son’s birthday.

Unfortunately, the birthday turned into a disaster. First, I had to keep calling my AH to remind him to show up ... something I never had to do in the past when he would always pull it together for birthdays. I had everything ready...the gifts purchased and wrapped ... and well as the cake. My son was waiting patiently for his dad to show up. He finally showed up 90 minutes late, completely out of it ... stammering and confused ... and in a hostile, nasty mood. I was shocked as he had never done this on a birthday. I tried everything I could to remain calm as he rambled incoherently. As my son finally proceeded to opening the presents, his dad made one surly comment after another about the gifts I had chosen. I was again shocked at how his behavior had progressed to such a new low - and once the gifts were all opened, I had to ask him to leave and try to salvage the rest of my son’s birthday. He became angry and aggressive...hurling insults as he slammed the door ... only to return 2 more times just to yell more insults at me.

In hindsight, I had so wished I had not invited my AH come to my son's birthday that year. It would have been a little strange to not have him at the birthday... but it would have been so much better than the nightmare that unfolded and all the horrible memories it left behind. In the years since, we have created new memories for those birthdays and my sons and I now have new traditions... the nightmares have slowly been replaced with smiles and joy once more. Change can seem difficult at first but, in time, those new memories will heal the past pain.
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Old 01-25-2010, 03:54 PM
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Thanks everyone!

He is back today. He is listening to me and staying away for the weekends but when I asked him if he found a place to live? He said not yet. He is definitely dragging his feet hoping for a makeup and status quo to continue. Not happening this time.

The weird thing was a got really sad this weekend and that heartache pain was back. I want to move forward in my life and do not like this limbo stage. How did you guys get through the limbo stage and those awful attacks of heartache? When does this all pass? Oh and the thinking of the situation over and over doesn't help either but I can not seem to stop even when I try and do something to take my mind off of it. Does this make any sense and hasa anyone else felt this way?

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Old 01-26-2010, 09:37 AM
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So, I might have missed something, but you have asked him to stay away for the weekends, but he's at home during the week?
Do you have a "move out by" date? That will help.
Good for you, by the way!
I don't have experience here, but I would say the feelings are just feelings. On a good day, I trust that they will pass. Feel them, with a neutral observer reminding me that they will come and go. Meanwhile, another part of me is linked up to my Higher, Deeper Power and is resting in the endless love that always encompasses me.
You rock, girlfriend!
w
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