my story part 1.5
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my story part 1.5
the 1ast week has been so draining for me so much so i think ive picked up a kidney infection as backs ki11ing me and have had this before usua11y get it if im runk down and thats how i fee1 right now 1ike a11 the fights gone im trying to do stuff for me but its so hard doing that cos i have no energy to do this.
Hes been ta1king we11 arguing with me every day for 1ast week but i just cant press the disconnect button i know its what i shou1d but cant do i think he knows too that im withdrawing more every day cos soon as i sign in there he is he 1ost his kids this week to be expected and has gone on one big downer wi11 not admit its the drink thats to b1ame i of course am getting most of that.
I wou1d 1ike to know how im meant to be compassionate but detach too thats proving a stumb1ing b1ock for me that and the 1etting go i just keep fee1ing i need to just give it one more go even though hes been proven a 1iar yesterday his mate denied a11 know1edge of what he had been te11ing me so u see why the tiredness i even did aerobics today which didnt he1p either now even more drained one sma11 step forward was me been ab1e to somewhat contro1 my stomach turning when he either signed in or tried to ta1k to me and ive not contacted him for a week no texts so maybe im going forward in 1itt1e steps but no one understands how hard this is for me so i fee1 i have no support they think its just as simp1e as getting rid and its not
xxkia
Hes been ta1king we11 arguing with me every day for 1ast week but i just cant press the disconnect button i know its what i shou1d but cant do i think he knows too that im withdrawing more every day cos soon as i sign in there he is he 1ost his kids this week to be expected and has gone on one big downer wi11 not admit its the drink thats to b1ame i of course am getting most of that.
I wou1d 1ike to know how im meant to be compassionate but detach too thats proving a stumb1ing b1ock for me that and the 1etting go i just keep fee1ing i need to just give it one more go even though hes been proven a 1iar yesterday his mate denied a11 know1edge of what he had been te11ing me so u see why the tiredness i even did aerobics today which didnt he1p either now even more drained one sma11 step forward was me been ab1e to somewhat contro1 my stomach turning when he either signed in or tried to ta1k to me and ive not contacted him for a week no texts so maybe im going forward in 1itt1e steps but no one understands how hard this is for me so i fee1 i have no support they think its just as simp1e as getting rid and its not
xxkia
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
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:ghug3
It is hard. If it was easy then this forum just wouldn't exist! Have you made it to an Al Anon meeting yet? Read Co dependent No More? Take it easy and get yourself to a doctor - no need to be in physical pain as well as emotional. You're making progress, keep taking those steps - you deserve much more than this!
It is hard. If it was easy then this forum just wouldn't exist! Have you made it to an Al Anon meeting yet? Read Co dependent No More? Take it easy and get yourself to a doctor - no need to be in physical pain as well as emotional. You're making progress, keep taking those steps - you deserve much more than this!
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u think it doesnt fee1 1ike it i just fee1 1ike crying atm that might cos im i11 though ive not had strenghth yet to cut contact a11 together maybe in time he has set up counse11ing now though and is going to see about anti dep we sha11 see on that one as for me i said to him im just going to 1ook after me atm cos a11 this has been a strain funny how quick he comes now when i dont contact him he must re1ise hes 1osing contro1 i mention im sick and no ohh are u ok no he switches it back to him and makes up more 1ies i just said go to docs and went back to ta1king about me so maybe i am thanks eh for a11 your support dont know what id do without u 1ot xxxxxxx oh ps i have got the book back out again for reading tomorrow im too tired for it tonite and the meeting if im we11 wi11 go on tuesday nite theres one then i know it wi11 he1p xx
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Kia, first things first!- you are sick - a kidney infection is serious and deserves your full attention! I know when I am sick any other difficulty in my life is magnified and I am usually very weepy and needy.
Do you have any other friends you can call to come and give you some TLC and soup etc? Reach out to healthy people for a shoulder to lean on, let friends take care of you occassionally - I know it is not easy - it offends our codependent nature to ask for help! But it is good practice for changing our ways.
please take care of you first! ((((((((((hugs)))))))))
peace-
b
Do you have any other friends you can call to come and give you some TLC and soup etc? Reach out to healthy people for a shoulder to lean on, let friends take care of you occassionally - I know it is not easy - it offends our codependent nature to ask for help! But it is good practice for changing our ways.
please take care of you first! ((((((((((hugs)))))))))
peace-
b
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Originally Posted by Bernadette 
Kia, first things first!- you are sick - a kidney infection is serious and deserves your full attention! I know when I am sick any other difficulty in my life is magnified and I am usually very weepy and needy.
Do you have any other friends you can call to come and give you some TLC and soup etc? Reach out to healthy people for a shoulder to lean on, let friends take care of you occassionally - I know it is not easy - it offends our codependent nature to ask for help! But it is good practice for changing our ways.
please take care of you first! ((((((((((hugs)))))))))
peace-
b
Do you have any other friends you can call to come and give you some TLC and soup etc? Reach out to healthy people for a shoulder to lean on, let friends take care of you occassionally - I know it is not easy - it offends our codependent nature to ask for help! But it is good practice for changing our ways.
please take care of you first! ((((((((((hugs)))))))))
peace-
b
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for one thing i think you need to fully realize that his drinking is absolutely no reflection on you. we always take it so personally! it helped me enormously when i really understood that even when it feels personal, it is not. the fact is that he is in his own kind of he11 as well.
for me, i could only get that detaching with love stuff down when he was not in the house and i'm seeing his depressed butt all the time. also, with my ex-h, i got there completely when i really stopped caring for him in a spouse-type way. i still had compassion for his as a human, and as the broken soul he is inside, but i just wasn't into all his business when i checked out of the marriage. don't know how else to do it, from experience!!
and, imo, i don't think you can treat depression when someone is active in their addiction
for me, i could only get that detaching with love stuff down when he was not in the house and i'm seeing his depressed butt all the time. also, with my ex-h, i got there completely when i really stopped caring for him in a spouse-type way. i still had compassion for his as a human, and as the broken soul he is inside, but i just wasn't into all his business when i checked out of the marriage. don't know how else to do it, from experience!!
and, imo, i don't think you can treat depression when someone is active in their addiction
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Originally Posted by coffeedrinker
for one thing i think you need to fully realize that his drinking is absolutely no reflection on you. we always take it so personally! it helped me enormously when i really understood that even when it feels personal, it is not. the fact is that he is in his own kind of he11 as well.
for me, i could only get that detaching with love stuff down when he was not in the house and i'm seeing his depressed butt all the time. also, with my ex-h, i got there completely when i really stopped caring for him in a spouse-type way. i still had compassion for his as a human, and as the broken soul he is inside, but i just wasn't into all his business when i checked out of the marriage. don't know how else to do it, from experience!!
and, imo, i don't think you can treat depression when someone is active in their addiction
for me, i could only get that detaching with love stuff down when he was not in the house and i'm seeing his depressed butt all the time. also, with my ex-h, i got there completely when i really stopped caring for him in a spouse-type way. i still had compassion for his as a human, and as the broken soul he is inside, but i just wasn't into all his business when i checked out of the marriage. don't know how else to do it, from experience!!
and, imo, i don't think you can treat depression when someone is active in their addiction
Your right about the treating the depression whi1e hes active but he doesnt see himse1f been 1ike that he went to aa 13 years back and they 1aughed him saying he had no need to be there we11 he does now if not then cos he must have recognised a prob1em then to go even.
Im trying to detach with 1ove but that is not easy in the 1east but im recognising us going over the same o1d ground over and over so am staying in my safe wor1d for now prob gonna go there next week if im we11 we sha11 see im in no hurry to go gonna do it if and when im ready to not before thanks for the rep1y though its inva1uab1e i do fee1 so a1one at times
xxkia
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Kia, the longer you stay engaged in his life, with him, in ANY way, the longer you draw out and continue HIS delusion that everyone ELSE is to blame for the consequences of his alcoholism, etc.
YOU are his scapegoat; please understand and accept this. I know that hurts but all the pain you are feeling and expressing are excuses for you to allow yourself to continue to play that role for him. And your thinking and behaving allows him to continue to think and behave the way he does. Take one giant step out of this vicious circle and see it for what it is.
If you truly love him, you have to let him go. I know it is difficult; all of us on SR understand and have been thru EXACTLY what you are going thru. If you truly love him, Let him stand on his own two feet. Withdraw yourself from the equation.
Take care of yourself! Go to Al-Anon. Be good to yourself! Go to the doctor. Focus on YOU and what you need to do for your own life. YOU choose how you feel. Choose to stop feeling what you are feeling about this guy and separating from him. Ask yourself what you want for your life.
YOU are his scapegoat; please understand and accept this. I know that hurts but all the pain you are feeling and expressing are excuses for you to allow yourself to continue to play that role for him. And your thinking and behaving allows him to continue to think and behave the way he does. Take one giant step out of this vicious circle and see it for what it is.
If you truly love him, you have to let him go. I know it is difficult; all of us on SR understand and have been thru EXACTLY what you are going thru. If you truly love him, Let him stand on his own two feet. Withdraw yourself from the equation.
Take care of yourself! Go to Al-Anon. Be good to yourself! Go to the doctor. Focus on YOU and what you need to do for your own life. YOU choose how you feel. Choose to stop feeling what you are feeling about this guy and separating from him. Ask yourself what you want for your life.
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Originally Posted by Learn2Live
Kia, the longer you stay engaged in his life, with him, in ANY way, the longer you draw out and continue HIS delusion that everyone ELSE is to blame for the consequences of his alcoholism, etc.
YOU are his scapegoat; please understand and accept this. I know that hurts but all the pain you are feeling and expressing are excuses for you to allow yourself to continue to play that role for him. And your thinking and behaving allows him to continue to think and behave the way he does. Take one giant step out of this vicious circle and see it for what it is.
If you truly love him, you have to let him go. I know it is difficult; all of us on SR understand and have been thru EXACTLY what you are going thru. If you truly love him, Let him stand on his own two feet. Withdraw yourself from the equation.
Take care of yourself! Go to Al-Anon. Be good to yourself! Go to the doctor. Focus on YOU and what you need to do for your own life. YOU choose how you feel. Choose to stop feeling what you are feeling about this guy and separating from him. Ask yourself what you want for your life.
YOU are his scapegoat; please understand and accept this. I know that hurts but all the pain you are feeling and expressing are excuses for you to allow yourself to continue to play that role for him. And your thinking and behaving allows him to continue to think and behave the way he does. Take one giant step out of this vicious circle and see it for what it is.
If you truly love him, you have to let him go. I know it is difficult; all of us on SR understand and have been thru EXACTLY what you are going thru. If you truly love him, Let him stand on his own two feet. Withdraw yourself from the equation.
Take care of yourself! Go to Al-Anon. Be good to yourself! Go to the doctor. Focus on YOU and what you need to do for your own life. YOU choose how you feel. Choose to stop feeling what you are feeling about this guy and separating from him. Ask yourself what you want for your life.
i havent done anything to forgive its just going round in circ1es and its depressing me now 
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Join Date: Mar 2008
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You have the power to stop this. You can say enough. No more going in circles. You don't owe him anything. You deserve better than being someone's scapegoat. I'm not saying leave him. I am asking you to look after YOU.
Hope you're feeling better.
:ghug3
Hope you're feeling better.
:ghug3
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Originally Posted by bookwyrm
You have the power to stop this. You can say enough. No more going in circles. You don't owe him anything. You deserve better than being someone's scapegoat. I'm not saying leave him. I am asking you to look after YOU.
Hope you're feeling better.
:ghug3
Hope you're feeling better.
:ghug3
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I don't think a mate should be there no matter what. An old friend of mine chose to stay in a cycle of chaos with a violent partner. We (her friends) did everything we could to make her leave him and it didn't work. I ended up so worried about it I couldn't sleep, I was an emotional wreck waiting for the phone to ring, I was angry, frustrated....urgh. I had to take a step back to save my sanity. 4 years I put up with calls in the middle of the night, her screaming for help and that he was after her, her turning up on my door step at 3am, waking my family up, face like the elephant man.
It doesn't matter how much you want something, you can't control other people and eventually there will be a limit. Seems as though your friend has reached hers, you've yet to reach yours with ABF. She's annoyed with you because she can't make you see, just like you can't make your BF see either. Same s*it, different addiction.
It doesn't matter how much you want something, you can't control other people and eventually there will be a limit. Seems as though your friend has reached hers, you've yet to reach yours with ABF. She's annoyed with you because she can't make you see, just like you can't make your BF see either. Same s*it, different addiction.
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Originally Posted by TheMissus
I don't think a mate should be there no matter what. An old friend of mine chose to stay in a cycle of chaos with a violent partner. We (her friends) did everything we could to make her leave him and it didn't work. I ended up so worried about it I couldn't sleep, I was an emotional wreck waiting for the phone to ring, I was angry, frustrated....urgh. I had to take a step back to save my sanity. 4 years I put up with calls in the middle of the night, her screaming for help and that he was after her, her turning up on my door step at 3am, waking my family up, face like the elephant man.
It doesn't matter how much you want something, you can't control other people and eventually there will be a limit. Seems as though your friend has reached hers, you've yet to reach yours with ABF. She's annoyed with you because she can't make you see, just like you can't make your BF see either. Same s*it, different addiction.
It doesn't matter how much you want something, you can't control other people and eventually there will be a limit. Seems as though your friend has reached hers, you've yet to reach yours with ABF. She's annoyed with you because she can't make you see, just like you can't make your BF see either. Same s*it, different addiction.
xkia
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