Do they deserve another chance?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 729
Do they deserve another chance?
Hi I have been posting a lot. I am thinking of giving bf another chance. His sponsor has been calling me (a friend) saying he is doing good. As well as other people in our network. This are people serious in recovery and would not lie for him or even call for him. They are calling because they care about me and my recovery.
He has gotten honest. Is going to meetings everyday and getting reconnected. I just dont know what are people's thought and experiences?
I am going to alanon tomorrow and have been going to meetings everyday. Can trust be rebuilt?
He is not making excuses. Not blaming others.
He has gotten honest. Is going to meetings everyday and getting reconnected. I just dont know what are people's thought and experiences?
I am going to alanon tomorrow and have been going to meetings everyday. Can trust be rebuilt?
He is not making excuses. Not blaming others.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,898
No one can answer that question but you. I don't know your situation, such as were you living together or do you have your own place. If you have your own place, and you feel strongly about it, you might consider giving him moral support and being willing to open the lines of communication, but I wouldn't be willing to throw myself back into the relationship until I'd seen steady progress for many months. It's one thing for friends to see improvement, but unless they actually live with the guy, they don't see everything. I guess what I'm trying to say is, if you truly think it's okay to give him another chance, please take it slowly.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 729
Thanks Suki! We do not live together. He is actually leaving in March to go overseas for a year or so with the military. I think that will be plenty of time to build trust and there will be no way to rush lol!
I know it is weird me asking this in recovery as I am proof the program works. I just need experience and suggestions/
I know it is weird me asking this in recovery as I am proof the program works. I just need experience and suggestions/
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,064
I think you should let him go but you have to do what you think you should. You've had little peace with him and when he comes back it could be a time to assess where he is and where you are and if the relationship has a chance.
As a recovering addict myself I think each person should be individually assessed. Not all addicts are worthless throwaways. Some get the program and lead good lives. I am grateful my family hung onto me especially my h. But it's not been that long that you were worried about him and using and I think it may be way to soon to make a serious decision about building a relationship. Hugs.
As a recovering addict myself I think each person should be individually assessed. Not all addicts are worthless throwaways. Some get the program and lead good lives. I am grateful my family hung onto me especially my h. But it's not been that long that you were worried about him and using and I think it may be way to soon to make a serious decision about building a relationship. Hugs.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
I believe that no matter what we say, you ultimately will make whatever choice you are thinking of making.
I will say however, it does not matter if his 'sponsor' says he is doing good, or JC himself says he is doing good, only his ACTIONS, OVER TIME will show where he is in this attempt at recovery.
Since he is going overseas in March (2 months) why not leave him to work on HIM and you to continue to work on YOU? Then when he returns, you will have a better idea of what is and has been going on in his recovery and whether that is acceptable to you.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
I will say however, it does not matter if his 'sponsor' says he is doing good, or JC himself says he is doing good, only his ACTIONS, OVER TIME will show where he is in this attempt at recovery.
Since he is going overseas in March (2 months) why not leave him to work on HIM and you to continue to work on YOU? Then when he returns, you will have a better idea of what is and has been going on in his recovery and whether that is acceptable to you.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 583
As a former Marine who when to the first Gulf War it was nice to have a 'woman' back home. A softer side, something to look forward too.. That maybe his goal. Kind of selfish but that was/is my view point.
If he is leaving in March getting together isn't going to leave much time. If he is sober and really trying maybe enjoy that time period.
Too me it comes down to is that person staying sober and doing what they need to be doing.. If that are then I would give them a chance IF and only IF you see something long term you want.
I know for me my GF said goodby and I drank myself into a blunder then sobered up. 18 years later I'm still sober. It was the pain from the relationship that kept me in AA doing what I needed to do in the beginning. It sure would have been nice to get her back after a few months in AA,,,, but after thinking about it,,, we were too young...
Today my wife is in recovery (24 days sober after having 12 years), we have 2 awesome kids and the house etc...
Life tosses things at you. Being able to see thru the pain and hurt often helps us be able to trust 'them' and others down the road...
Tough one for sure!
AG
If he is leaving in March getting together isn't going to leave much time. If he is sober and really trying maybe enjoy that time period.
Too me it comes down to is that person staying sober and doing what they need to be doing.. If that are then I would give them a chance IF and only IF you see something long term you want.
I know for me my GF said goodby and I drank myself into a blunder then sobered up. 18 years later I'm still sober. It was the pain from the relationship that kept me in AA doing what I needed to do in the beginning. It sure would have been nice to get her back after a few months in AA,,,, but after thinking about it,,, we were too young...
Today my wife is in recovery (24 days sober after having 12 years), we have 2 awesome kids and the house etc...
Life tosses things at you. Being able to see thru the pain and hurt often helps us be able to trust 'them' and others down the road...
Tough one for sure!
AG
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
I have loved the man I am now in relationship with for fifteen years. I have seen him at the top of his game more than once, in bed for days with depression, and absent once for a three-year stretch due to drug use. Some people "get it" the first time, some after numerous times at bat, and some of course never do. So yes, you asked in an earlier thread, there are success stories.
I am still wondering whether I am willing to continue trying to be one of them.
Statistically....probably not so good.
You are in recovery - what was your drug of choice? I guess crack has a very poor rate of success, so does Heroin. And Meth - after a lot of use the brain never recovers. (well maybe that's with all drugs -duh)
From everything you have written it sounds like he is doing quite well. I think there is something to be said for people in recovery being with someone also in recovery. There is such a foundational belief system, they "get" a lot of things that outsiders do not, and there are dynamics in our relationships and family systems that we understand. The beautiful thing about it is that the tools of the program give us a life in which we do so many things right. Even with my "problems" there is a function present in my life that I know is absent in many, many people's. So for me, I decided long ago that I prefer to have someone in recovery as a partner, but, the IN RECOVERY is the essential part. Make sense?
I think (although being deployed is sadness and anxiety) it is good that you will have time away from each other. Just be honest with him about where you are right now, not by dredging up the recent past, or throwing it in his face (that is counter-productive) but that you are holding back and bit, can't commit, but you wish all things well for the both of you.
And maybe before he leaves you two (unless you decide to get out) can create a couple of really nice memories for that year away.
I am still wondering whether I am willing to continue trying to be one of them.
Statistically....probably not so good.
You are in recovery - what was your drug of choice? I guess crack has a very poor rate of success, so does Heroin. And Meth - after a lot of use the brain never recovers. (well maybe that's with all drugs -duh)
From everything you have written it sounds like he is doing quite well. I think there is something to be said for people in recovery being with someone also in recovery. There is such a foundational belief system, they "get" a lot of things that outsiders do not, and there are dynamics in our relationships and family systems that we understand. The beautiful thing about it is that the tools of the program give us a life in which we do so many things right. Even with my "problems" there is a function present in my life that I know is absent in many, many people's. So for me, I decided long ago that I prefer to have someone in recovery as a partner, but, the IN RECOVERY is the essential part. Make sense?
I think (although being deployed is sadness and anxiety) it is good that you will have time away from each other. Just be honest with him about where you are right now, not by dredging up the recent past, or throwing it in his face (that is counter-productive) but that you are holding back and bit, can't commit, but you wish all things well for the both of you.
And maybe before he leaves you two (unless you decide to get out) can create a couple of really nice memories for that year away.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 729
That was really good stuff coffee and always. We are meeting today to talk. guess I will get a better sense in person too.
As for my DOC it was alcohol. I am a high functioning alcoholic, didnt drink every day or every weekend, but I had all the ism's and the allergy, ect... My bottom was an emotional bottom, but it was mine.
His DOC is Oxy and Heroin. So that is a world I am not familiar with other than through my AS, AB and AN. two of the three in recovery.
I disclosed info to my recovering twin brother (DOC heroin) and he said that he did not lie because of the drugs in his system, he lied because he wanted to continue to get high. He is pretty mad and we live together (my brother and I). I dont know we will see. I will keep you posted.
I went to alanon this morning. I felt so blocked. I could not speak as I was afraid my life would just spew!
As for my DOC it was alcohol. I am a high functioning alcoholic, didnt drink every day or every weekend, but I had all the ism's and the allergy, ect... My bottom was an emotional bottom, but it was mine.
His DOC is Oxy and Heroin. So that is a world I am not familiar with other than through my AS, AB and AN. two of the three in recovery.
I disclosed info to my recovering twin brother (DOC heroin) and he said that he did not lie because of the drugs in his system, he lied because he wanted to continue to get high. He is pretty mad and we live together (my brother and I). I dont know we will see. I will keep you posted.
I went to alanon this morning. I felt so blocked. I could not speak as I was afraid my life would just spew!
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Hi. How many chances have you given him? And what is your limit?
Chances became a joke to my ex. He would say things like "that happened in the past" and "today is a new day". He would tell me to just give him one more chance because things would be different this time. He would swear this. It was pure manipulation. He had learned that I had no boundaries and that I would put up with anything in our relationship because I was "in love", because I had a child with him and I was desparate to make sure that my child had a mommy and daddy in the home. He took advantage of that. What are your boundaries (or lack of them) telling your "bf" about you and the kind of treatment you are willing to accept in your life.
You know that saying "you have to love yourself before others can love you?" well it was certainly true in my case. I had to start treating myself with the respect and dignity that I wanted other people to treat me with. It all came down to boundaries.
And your twin brother is right on the money. People don't lie because they are on drugs or not on drugs. They lie because it benefits them - it serves a purpose. It helps them get what they want.
Your BF's behavior is not about you. It's about him. It's about feeding his addiction. That's why your decisions need to be about you and about what is acceptable to you in your life. Your bf's behavior is not going to change in a day or a week or a month. Change takes a lifetime - especially when it comes to addiction.
What is important to you? What do you expect out of life and out of a relationship? Where do you see yourself in 5 years (not in your relationship, but yourself). You have to be your own best friend.
Chances became a joke to my ex. He would say things like "that happened in the past" and "today is a new day". He would tell me to just give him one more chance because things would be different this time. He would swear this. It was pure manipulation. He had learned that I had no boundaries and that I would put up with anything in our relationship because I was "in love", because I had a child with him and I was desparate to make sure that my child had a mommy and daddy in the home. He took advantage of that. What are your boundaries (or lack of them) telling your "bf" about you and the kind of treatment you are willing to accept in your life.
You know that saying "you have to love yourself before others can love you?" well it was certainly true in my case. I had to start treating myself with the respect and dignity that I wanted other people to treat me with. It all came down to boundaries.
And your twin brother is right on the money. People don't lie because they are on drugs or not on drugs. They lie because it benefits them - it serves a purpose. It helps them get what they want.
Your BF's behavior is not about you. It's about him. It's about feeding his addiction. That's why your decisions need to be about you and about what is acceptable to you in your life. Your bf's behavior is not going to change in a day or a week or a month. Change takes a lifetime - especially when it comes to addiction.
What is important to you? What do you expect out of life and out of a relationship? Where do you see yourself in 5 years (not in your relationship, but yourself). You have to be your own best friend.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 729
Hello-kitty I think I need to spend sometime and do some writing on those questions you asked. They are really good. This would be his first chance if I give him one. This was his first relapse since he had been in recovery. I know this because I was triggered right away that something was off when he relapsed. He changed. I mean we go to a lot of the same (but not all) AA meetings. He was not as talkative, involved, wasnt calling sponsor. you know all the tell tale signs and why did I not notice everything at once. Because I was working on my recovery at meetings not babysitting him.
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