SadButHopeful

After the last conversation with my AH about my problems with is behavior and him not helping out, working, or participating in the family, and seeing him come up with his own solution, I thought maybe we were on the right track, but, he hasn't followed through; in fact he disappointed me on day 1.

I'm done talking now. I'm done asking him for help with work. Even when he'snot drinking he doesn't work. If he wants to sit on his drunk/high ass that's his choice. He just DOESN'T GET IT, and doesn't WANT to. He's got to be the most selfish person I've ever met.

Yesterday as I worked, even while taking care of a sick baby, I said to myself "I'm a single mother" and I felt relief. I don't want to be in a place anymore where I expect anything from him. I will work my fingers to the bone taking care of the kids and this business because it needs to be done. I'm concentrating on being a good parent.

This is making me numb now. I have no respect for him and I don't love him like I used to.

I'm not leaving though, not yet - I'm sticking it out, building this business, and saving. Right now I do believe that the kids are better off with us together, but if and when I see that changing, then I'll know it's time.

GiveLove

Sorry you're going throught this, sad.

What are your goals? "keep building the business and saving" is very open-ended. I found that having specific goals was much more rewarding AND productive. What would be yours, if you had to articulate them?

nodaybut2day

Sad...I'm so sorry it has come to this for you. Perhaps this is your HP giving you an opportunity to realize where your path lies. It is very sad, but IMO, necessary.

What's your timeline on developping your business? What are your criteria for your kids being better off with you and your husband together than with you alone?

Please take care of yourself!

SadButHopeful

Good question. I guess I'd like to have enough money and/or the business built up enough to be sustaining us so that I can do it on my own. My FIL is supporting us bc my AH hasn't worked in over 2 years. I guess when we are at the point when we don't need his help anymore that's when I'll tell him to leave.

Another good question. They have no idea yet what being drunk is. My oldest is 6, so they are going to become aware very soon. If he ever became abusive I'd call the police and that would be the end.

transformyself

My experience is that because their dad was drunk all the time around them, "drunk" was my kids "normal" and they thought it was just how Daddies were. Very sad and dysfunctional.

Eventually, my youngest, now 8, was able to articulate how uncomfortable it made him. That's part of the sick family dynamic-denial and not talking about the truth. As soon as he was able to talk about it, I got the hell out. Not too late, hopefully..

LaTeeDa

I have to tell you, as an ACOA, that the "drunk" part of it really wasn't that big a deal in my childhood.

The part that messed me up for years was the "role model" part of it, plus all the anger and secrecy........

L

GiveLove

And if you were to live separately with your children, how much would you need to live on?

"Too much" is not a good answer -- but a dollar amount, arrived at by looking at rents, utilities, insurances, etc. (money out) and by talking to an attorney about child support and division of property (money in)

I left when my own small business paid me enough money to pay my living expenses in a much more modest situation than I was leaving. And I knew exactly how much that was, so I could work toward it. That's all I'm advising you to do, even if it seems like an overwhelming figure at the moment. I know mine did, but just knowing what it WAS helped me to get there faster....my subconscious mine went into overdrive trying to help out, once it knew where I wanted to go.

And you never HAVE to leave...but at least you know the bottom line, and what it will take to survive if you did. Knowledge is power.

pray4joy

OY - you sound like you are living with my AH...bless your soul...I've come to the conclusion I have to line up the ducks to take care of myself and hit the road too. I know how angry this has made me feel and I don't have kids...so it must be double for you...
IMHO my thoughts? Find a way to remove his influence asap...even if you have to put your plans on hold for a short while and pick them up when you are in a better place. This will only serve to drain your energy further...why butter yourself so thin?

SadButHopeful

Thanks everyone!

I've got to figure this out. It's really tricky. I mean, his dad has paid for this entire business to begin for the two of us, yet I do most of the work, and it's built upon my own ideas. I don't know what would happen to it legally if we separate.

I am still hopeful, but I don't expect anything anymore. I believe that God will get me through this in His way and I've got to follow wherever he leads me and the kids.

Jadmack25

So sorry about your situation Sad, but you are on your way to freedom tho there is a way to go yet.


God bless

PHIZ007

Oh Jadmack.....love the My Prince turned picture!!.....good to have a smile in between the sadness of the above post.

Sadbuthopeful.....take one baby step at a time....thats what I am doing too! Some days are better then others but each and every day I am working hard on myself and its definately helping.

I still love my AH very much but it sure isn't easy to live with and unless he gets help for his alcoholism I don't see a future with us together. Take one day at a time and kp posting. There are so many wonderful people here at SR and it keeps me sane....keep stepping forward...Phiz

barb dwyer

Sad-

I'm sorry to hear about this -
but I'm also glad you're not moping around for weeks either.

You've got some great suggestions to start making your plan.

I used to tell people -
don't get sad yet - make your plan.
Don't get mad - get busy.

You're not alone.
it might feel like it - but you're not.

GiveLove

An attorney might be able to help you figure that out, sad. It all depends on how the paperwork is written up. And paperwork can be changed between now and the time you may wish to protect your kids. A tax attorney or even a good tax person can guide you as to the proper way to do things so that the business is legally half yours --

Which would mean one possible scenario would be that, if you separated, he would have to buy you out. And you could take your own great ideas and put them to work just for you and your kids (I hate when I do all the work and somebody else gets to share in the profits....sigh)

Anyway, that's what I mean about having concrete goals, and knowing exactly what's what. The scary part that keeps us stuck is the stuff that's out there in the dark corners. Shine a bright light on it, know your enemy, and all of a sudden that man-eating crocodile becomes a baby iguana. Still bites, but won't kill you