Detachment - property lines
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 290
Detachment - property lines
Hi all,
I feel like I'm starting to make progress, but still doubt myself sometimes. I'm still living with AH but have been really working on detaching (and it's starting to work!). AH has been drinking all day and I have been avoiding him as much as possible ... not in an angry way, but rather just by doing my own thing and not talking to him too much. He knocked on the bedroom door a few minutes ago and asked if we could talk... so I went out to listen to what he had to say. He is in one of his drunken depressed moods today and basically told me that he is ashamed that he is an alcoholic and feels so bad that our marriage is the way it is at the moment and that he doesn't want it to be like this, he loves me and misses being with me. I calmly listened, told him I understood what he was saying, stayed until he was done crying and then told him good night and went back into the bedroom. I just re-read the property lines sticky... and it got me thinking. I do know that this hurt and sadness belongs to him, but I still kind of took on his sadness (not as much as I would have a few months ago and I didn't let it show, but it was there). I think if it was a friend of mine pouring their heart out like that and crying, I would have gone up to the person to hug them and to try to make them feel better. I didn't do any of that tonight. Am I being cold towards him or is this how I am supposed to act in situations like these?? I mean wouldn't even a non-codie try to make another person feel better when they see them cry? I guess, I'm still a little confused when it comes to property lines.
I feel like I'm starting to make progress, but still doubt myself sometimes. I'm still living with AH but have been really working on detaching (and it's starting to work!). AH has been drinking all day and I have been avoiding him as much as possible ... not in an angry way, but rather just by doing my own thing and not talking to him too much. He knocked on the bedroom door a few minutes ago and asked if we could talk... so I went out to listen to what he had to say. He is in one of his drunken depressed moods today and basically told me that he is ashamed that he is an alcoholic and feels so bad that our marriage is the way it is at the moment and that he doesn't want it to be like this, he loves me and misses being with me. I calmly listened, told him I understood what he was saying, stayed until he was done crying and then told him good night and went back into the bedroom. I just re-read the property lines sticky... and it got me thinking. I do know that this hurt and sadness belongs to him, but I still kind of took on his sadness (not as much as I would have a few months ago and I didn't let it show, but it was there). I think if it was a friend of mine pouring their heart out like that and crying, I would have gone up to the person to hug them and to try to make them feel better. I didn't do any of that tonight. Am I being cold towards him or is this how I am supposed to act in situations like these?? I mean wouldn't even a non-codie try to make another person feel better when they see them cry? I guess, I'm still a little confused when it comes to property lines.
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
Its tricky I know. For me, I wouldn't talk to XAH when he was drinking and he knew it. His manipulation tactics and self pity were always at their worst when he had been drinking. I could never work out if he actually meant what he said or if it was just the 'alcohol blues' talking. Very often he would deny everything the next day when sober or twist what he and I said in a way that was unrecognisable.
Boundaries are for you and each situation is different. I refused to talk to a drunk XAH because I knew it was crazy making for me. What would have been the consequences to YOU if you had given him a hug? Would it have negatively impacted on you? Detaching with love I think would 'allow' this so long as you don't take responsibility for how he feels. Sort of a 'there, there' rather than 'let me make it better, how do I fix you'?
Boundaries are for you and each situation is different. I refused to talk to a drunk XAH because I knew it was crazy making for me. What would have been the consequences to YOU if you had given him a hug? Would it have negatively impacted on you? Detaching with love I think would 'allow' this so long as you don't take responsibility for how he feels. Sort of a 'there, there' rather than 'let me make it better, how do I fix you'?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
I can understand you feeling as you do, because I also felt like I had "kicked the dog" and been less than compassionate when faced with drunk and maudlin ABF, and just answered with "hmm and ahuh", then said goodnight and left.
Looking at the part of your post where your AH says,
"I am ashamed that I am an alcoholic and feel so bad that our marriage is the way it is at the moment, and I don't want it to be like this. (No doubt said along with a sad face and maybe even tears.)
If he really wanted to get rid of the shame he says he feels,
If he really wanted to make the marriage a happy one,
If he really does NOT want it to be as it is,
HE WOULD BE DOING SOMETHING RIGHT NOW TO SHOW HE MEANT IT.
Continuing to drink and saying how sad he is at how things are is DOING NOTHING to change, or improve anything.......it is just maudlin blather.
If he were that miserable with his active alcoholism, he would be in Rehab, AA, Recovery or even the Boy Scouts....but he isn't. He is drunk, sitting on his pity pot and trying to suck you in to feeling sorry for him and comforting him.
He is the one with his bum on the hotplate, getting burnt, but he won't move off it, and until he does move, he will continue to have a burning bum.
Detaching from his drinking behavior and self pity, does not mean not caring for him, it means you don't join him in the misery, you keep your sanity and stay healthy.
He chooses to keep drinking, knowing he has a real problem, that it causes great pain and unhappiness in your marriage.....obviously not enough for him to seek help, but enough to whinge about it.
The only one who is doing anything is you, and if he keeps on as he is, are you prepared to continue to detach and stay stuck where you are right now?
Marriage is supposed to be a place of love, support, companionship and respect, not a place where one partner has to mentally, emotionally and physically move away from the other for their own wellbeing.
I know how hard it is to be living like this, as I have been there, and did all the things to try and fix it and fix him, til I realised I needed to fix me first. I finally had to go,
leaving him to go his way because I wanted a life again, not a living death with a man I no longer knew or understood.
Detachment only goes so far, and at some stage we need to decide what WE want, need and deserve. Being as much a prisoner of alcoholism as the A, is not what anyone needs or deserves.
God bless
Looking at the part of your post where your AH says,
"I am ashamed that I am an alcoholic and feel so bad that our marriage is the way it is at the moment, and I don't want it to be like this. (No doubt said along with a sad face and maybe even tears.)
If he really wanted to get rid of the shame he says he feels,
If he really wanted to make the marriage a happy one,
If he really does NOT want it to be as it is,
HE WOULD BE DOING SOMETHING RIGHT NOW TO SHOW HE MEANT IT.
Continuing to drink and saying how sad he is at how things are is DOING NOTHING to change, or improve anything.......it is just maudlin blather.
If he were that miserable with his active alcoholism, he would be in Rehab, AA, Recovery or even the Boy Scouts....but he isn't. He is drunk, sitting on his pity pot and trying to suck you in to feeling sorry for him and comforting him.
He is the one with his bum on the hotplate, getting burnt, but he won't move off it, and until he does move, he will continue to have a burning bum.
Detaching from his drinking behavior and self pity, does not mean not caring for him, it means you don't join him in the misery, you keep your sanity and stay healthy.
He chooses to keep drinking, knowing he has a real problem, that it causes great pain and unhappiness in your marriage.....obviously not enough for him to seek help, but enough to whinge about it.
The only one who is doing anything is you, and if he keeps on as he is, are you prepared to continue to detach and stay stuck where you are right now?
Marriage is supposed to be a place of love, support, companionship and respect, not a place where one partner has to mentally, emotionally and physically move away from the other for their own wellbeing.
I know how hard it is to be living like this, as I have been there, and did all the things to try and fix it and fix him, til I realised I needed to fix me first. I finally had to go,
leaving him to go his way because I wanted a life again, not a living death with a man I no longer knew or understood.
Detachment only goes so far, and at some stage we need to decide what WE want, need and deserve. Being as much a prisoner of alcoholism as the A, is not what anyone needs or deserves.
God bless
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
I believe alcoholism and addiction are diseases of the mind.
Once I accepted this I learned how this disease is different from other diseases, and boy is it!
Addiction is a total game-changer in relationships. Total. And I deny that or forget that at my peril.
Sometimes sympathy and hugs are enabling. They perpetuate delusional self-images in the addict's mind that keep them in denial & us codependent.
peace-
b
Once I accepted this I learned how this disease is different from other diseases, and boy is it!
Addiction is a total game-changer in relationships. Total. And I deny that or forget that at my peril.
Sometimes sympathy and hugs are enabling. They perpetuate delusional self-images in the addict's mind that keep them in denial & us codependent.
peace-
b
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 290
Just wanted to post a big THANKS for your responses 
this forum and all of you keep me in check!
I have thought about this a lot... and in the end I'm glad I reacted the way I did.
Bookwyrm - "What would have been the consequences to YOU if you had given him a hug? Would it have negatively impacted on you?" I really wouldn't have liked myself afterward... probably would have felt manipulated and I would have felt like I'm taking on his pain and really making it my own. As if I stepped back onto the merry-go-round that I've been trying to keep off of.
Jadmack - Thanks for reminding me again to look at his actions and not his words!!! Very powerful statement... and I need to be reminded of that a LOT! I love your hotplate example I have accepted that I can not "fix" him/ not make him get sober and I am focusing on myself. I have been contemplating moving out - I have posted on here twice asking if I should (and feel like a hypocrite because I'm still living with AH), and I know, eventually I will get to the point where I will move, unless he starts working on himself and our marriage improves.
Bernadette - "Sometimes sympathy and hugs are enabling. They perpetuate delusional self-images in the addict's mind that keep them in denial & us codependent." WOW!!! Thank you for sharing that with me!!! Very powerful statement!!!!
this forum and all of you keep me in check!I have thought about this a lot... and in the end I'm glad I reacted the way I did.
Bookwyrm - "What would have been the consequences to YOU if you had given him a hug? Would it have negatively impacted on you?" I really wouldn't have liked myself afterward... probably would have felt manipulated and I would have felt like I'm taking on his pain and really making it my own. As if I stepped back onto the merry-go-round that I've been trying to keep off of.
Jadmack - Thanks for reminding me again to look at his actions and not his words!!! Very powerful statement... and I need to be reminded of that a LOT! I love your hotplate example
I have accepted that I can not "fix" him/ not make him get sober and I am focusing on myself. I have been contemplating moving out - I have posted on here twice asking if I should (and feel like a hypocrite because I'm still living with AH), and I know, eventually I will get to the point where I will move, unless he starts working on himself and our marriage improves. Bernadette - "Sometimes sympathy and hugs are enabling. They perpetuate delusional self-images in the addict's mind that keep them in denial & us codependent." WOW!!! Thank you for sharing that with me!!! Very powerful statement!!!!
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