insane

i'm separated. we're working to preserve the relationship between my daughter and her dad the best we can, but i really don't want to be around him much right now. i love him and i miss him and i also feel like the life's been sucked out of me. again.

i don't want to get into deep talks with him because all the words and promises and *?#!*?#!*?#!*?#!*?#!*?#!*?#!*?#! are just noise to me now. i'm tired. i don't believe that he's going to get it together anymore. he's in deep work...ind tx, grp tx, daily mtgs, but we've been here before. i think lying and deception are just part of his personality that will be very hard to change, even if he recovers from his addictions. drugs, alcohol, sex, spending, and i think food too.

i'm trying hard to accept reality because i've been in a fantasy. focusing on how good things will be someday when he's better, mature, learns to delay gratification, gets to the root of his pain, becomes responsible, honest, whatever.

our therapist told him to give me space. he hasn't really until this past weekend when he said facing my pain on a regular basis hurts him too much and distracts him from his recovery, so he's going to step back. he's not doing it for me, but still a good thing, i think. i think he wanted me to react, and i did.

i panicked some because i was afraid that meant he'd use that as an excuse to do whatever the hell he wants to do with whoever he wants...hello!!! he's been doing that anyway, so who cares? i'm just letting it be now after a day of total insanity and fear. it is very hard.

later in the weekend he said that he is very concerned that if we both work our recoveries and get well, how are we going to even know we still want each other if we don't spend time together?

i panicked again and said i'd try to spend some time with him. then i got furious because i realized all this time he hasn't worried about me or this family...he's just been doing what he wants to do and lying. i interrupted everything by busting him again. i know i have to let things be. i feel like he wants to keep me in line. i feel like he wants to control my emotions and connection to him.

i told him i don't know how to be with him and be sane right now. maybe that will change. i hope it will.

should i try to spend time with him...small amounts, like a coffee or something? i have a very hard time right now separating him from his addiction. i really can't stand being close to him right now.

he keeps trying to convince me that the bad behavior wasn't the norm...it wasn't all of our relationship...there were good things and strong connection. i can't make him understand that with deceipt and lying about very core issues, it totally destroys relationship. having "good" moments doesn't mean much when the overall reality is a lie. i still feel like he's trying to trick me. i feel vulnerable in a bad way.

he's admitting things and apologzing but still working me, if you know what i mean. i'm so tired.

i need to get a sponsor and start working steps. i don't know how to pick one.

i don't want to hurt him. i know he is sick. i have compassion for him and i want him to get well. but i'm sick too and i feel sicker when i'm with him. i don't believe him anymore. i don't like a lot about him right now. but i also love him and miss him. huh?? i'm worried that this new recovery effort is just because he got caught...again...that he hasn't really hit bottom.

JT

There is nothing like having a little lunch with your addicted SO to keep you on your path to recovery.

Hugs,
JT

insane

thanks for posting exactly what i need to keep hearing over and over...even though its so hard to hear and accept. i am in the right place. thank you again. i can do this, right?

insane

he called to tell me he is sad that i can't amke an overnight trip with him out of town in oct. i've been going back and forth and when he pushed me today, i said no.

he said he wants to know what he can do to make it easier for me to say yes. i said nothing. he knows what i want...health for our family.... and he can't/won't do it right now for himself and i have to accept that. and he has to accept that i can't/won't be with him because of that.

he said he feels like he wants to say that even though i feel like i don't know how to be with him and be sane, it doesn't mean i can't try.

i lost it...i told him that today we are supposed to be celebrating our wedding anniversary and that our daughter is supposed to be sleeping in the same bed every night and that we are supposed to be partners who are healthy and who trust and respect one another...told him to get over himself about 1 night in new york and that i am tired and need space.

i wish we could have brief and productive contact while we are both trying to get well, but i guess i can't even expect that right now.

he says he takes all the blame in this mess, but he's lying. he is blaming me for the distance in our relationship, for my inability to be with him and detach, etc etc

i told him i think its very funny how all of a sudden he's concerned with the future of our relationship and the consequences of not having the kind of contact he wants.

did he ONCE think of the consequences of doing what he was doing? no, never.

God please help me, please be with me and help me know what to do and how to do it.

myles1

Hi,

YOU ARE BEING MANIPULATED! Of course he wants to control you, that's what he wants is control, you may get away from him then he's lost the person he can blame for everything.

By the sounds of reading your post you need alot of space from him, the reason he wants to keep contact is he's afraid you;'ll start seeing his game and get away.
If he has contact with you he can sabotage your recovery.

It's very important for you to have take and have your space for your recovery.
Yes he didn't care about you and your family before and the only reason he cares now is still for his benefit, it's nothing to do with caring about you, he's still sick.


So trust your gut because you are right on.

Ngaire

jessieandme2003

I feel that many times my AH was listening to me but not hearing me. He was just waiting to hear that sound had stopped coming out of my mouth so he could speak again.

For some reason, reading your post about the New York night made me think of that. I could picture it as an exchnage with my AH: I am telling him about my feelings and concerns, my need for space, and the steps I think need to be taken to get where we both need to be for the sake of our family. I would mention the counselor and the kids and the lies he has told that hurt me. And all the while he is waiting until I am done, and then says "Yeah, true, you're right, I'm wrong. So... can we go to New York together now?" LOL!

I have no idea if you ever feel that way, but I thought I'd share in case it sounded familiar.

My AH was expert at pushing my panic buttons with lame logic like "if we both work our recoveries and get well, how are we going to even know we still want each other if we don't spend time together? "

Finally I started to have the strength to say "Yeah, you're right, maybe we'll find we don't want each other." It was fun to have him feel the panic for a change.

Hang in there, I know its scary and confusing. I gave myself the gift of time. Maybe you can too. Once you stop feeling that you have to figure it all out right now, you'll feel much better.

His pushing may be making you feel you better get this figured out before you lose him. Tell him you need that gift of time.

insane

thank you so much for your feedback. i am struggling so much today and having this place really helps.

reading some of what you all wrote in response to my original post actually made me laugh....i'm pretty nuts right now, i guess?!

jessieandme...you are right....i do feel pressure and fear and panic...and i know i have to let it all go for now. i will take the time.

please God help me....to just get through the day and to know your will and to know how in the world to carry it out and to be loving but also to stand up for myself.