tired of "hugging it out"
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 3
tired of "hugging it out"
Hello, everybody. I am a new member, but a long time lurker on this board. Last night an incident happened to me and I could really use some advice. I apologize in advance for the ramblings.
I am a girl and currently live with my male boss until I save up enough money to move out on my own. We had been friends for many years before I started working with him, so it seemed a great idea to be roomies until I saved up enough to get my own apartment. The job is great, we share chores, he's respectful, he doesn't try to hit on me, s'all good.
Except when he drinks. I knew he drank before, as we were friends and would frequently hang out in bars. However, I didn't realize the extent of his regular use until I moved in 4 months ago. He claims to have "a glass of wine" every night for health reasons, but I notice these glasses are frequently bottles. (And after the bottles, whiskey.)
When he gets particularly smashed, (which is at least once a week at this point), he proceeds to sit me down and have very long, rambling, repetitive life discussions of which I am captive, and he gets irate when I try to walk away and tell him he needs to go to bed and that we can talk about it when he's in a better mental state tomorrow. Of course, I want to be sympathetic to his needs, as he's a nice guy, but lately it is crossing my comfort zone and I what I believe are common lines of respect. Over the past few weeks, this has turned into him knocking at my door at 3am and all sorts of hours, begging for long talks where he is barely making any sense.
The next morning, he doesn't remember it all, and insists we "hug it out" and apologizes profusely, saying he just needed to vent. However, I am getting increasingly sick and tired of this pattern, and no longer feel like hugging it out, when these are issues that can be talked about soberly, during waking hours.
This has culminated over the last week. I told him to never wake me up again at 3am unless someone was dying, dead, or he was going to kill himself. (A girl needs some sleep!) Last night, he came in my room, laid on my bed next to me, asked to be held, and was absolutely so drunk I could barely understand what he was saying. After making him leave, he said one of his friends died that night, that he saw it, and of course, alarmed, I stayed up for 3 hours trying to get a straight story out of him, of which I got nothing. He accused me of "not holding him" (of course not, I was pissed), not caring, etc. you know the drill. I ended up having to lock myself in my room, and scream at him that I would call the cops just to seriously get him to stop coming at me trying to apologize profusely and "hug it out", even though 10 seconds later he would forget what he was apologizing for, launch into crying, ask why I'm not holding him, repeat.
This morning, I discover that nobody died, that he was just sad, and had gone out to drink his depression away and he broke my rule of waking me up in the middle of the night. I am truly sympathetic for his feelings, and I want to help him get through his issues, but I can't do it while he is drunk. This afternoon, I am so pissed at him (and have to work with him), and he again wants to just "hug it out". I have voicemails of him from last night, which I want to make him listen to, so he can hear how absolutely drunk he gets, but he says "he knows" and "doesn't need to hear them". He really has a problem, but obviously doesn't think it's a big deal and can't grasp how his actions are all caused by his DRINKING and that his DRINKING is making me very afraid of him and wanting to distance myself. I'm not sure if he's an alcoholic, or just a depressed individual that I don't know how to help. I'm not sure what I can do to help him, or what I should do to help myself.
...and if you read to the end of this, bless you.
I am a girl and currently live with my male boss until I save up enough money to move out on my own. We had been friends for many years before I started working with him, so it seemed a great idea to be roomies until I saved up enough to get my own apartment. The job is great, we share chores, he's respectful, he doesn't try to hit on me, s'all good.
Except when he drinks. I knew he drank before, as we were friends and would frequently hang out in bars. However, I didn't realize the extent of his regular use until I moved in 4 months ago. He claims to have "a glass of wine" every night for health reasons, but I notice these glasses are frequently bottles. (And after the bottles, whiskey.)
When he gets particularly smashed, (which is at least once a week at this point), he proceeds to sit me down and have very long, rambling, repetitive life discussions of which I am captive, and he gets irate when I try to walk away and tell him he needs to go to bed and that we can talk about it when he's in a better mental state tomorrow. Of course, I want to be sympathetic to his needs, as he's a nice guy, but lately it is crossing my comfort zone and I what I believe are common lines of respect. Over the past few weeks, this has turned into him knocking at my door at 3am and all sorts of hours, begging for long talks where he is barely making any sense.
The next morning, he doesn't remember it all, and insists we "hug it out" and apologizes profusely, saying he just needed to vent. However, I am getting increasingly sick and tired of this pattern, and no longer feel like hugging it out, when these are issues that can be talked about soberly, during waking hours.
This has culminated over the last week. I told him to never wake me up again at 3am unless someone was dying, dead, or he was going to kill himself. (A girl needs some sleep!) Last night, he came in my room, laid on my bed next to me, asked to be held, and was absolutely so drunk I could barely understand what he was saying. After making him leave, he said one of his friends died that night, that he saw it, and of course, alarmed, I stayed up for 3 hours trying to get a straight story out of him, of which I got nothing. He accused me of "not holding him" (of course not, I was pissed), not caring, etc. you know the drill. I ended up having to lock myself in my room, and scream at him that I would call the cops just to seriously get him to stop coming at me trying to apologize profusely and "hug it out", even though 10 seconds later he would forget what he was apologizing for, launch into crying, ask why I'm not holding him, repeat.
This morning, I discover that nobody died, that he was just sad, and had gone out to drink his depression away and he broke my rule of waking me up in the middle of the night. I am truly sympathetic for his feelings, and I want to help him get through his issues, but I can't do it while he is drunk. This afternoon, I am so pissed at him (and have to work with him), and he again wants to just "hug it out". I have voicemails of him from last night, which I want to make him listen to, so he can hear how absolutely drunk he gets, but he says "he knows" and "doesn't need to hear them". He really has a problem, but obviously doesn't think it's a big deal and can't grasp how his actions are all caused by his DRINKING and that his DRINKING is making me very afraid of him and wanting to distance myself. I'm not sure if he's an alcoholic, or just a depressed individual that I don't know how to help. I'm not sure what I can do to help him, or what I should do to help myself.
...and if you read to the end of this, bless you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 285
This is not okay on so many levels....
The boundaries are blured between work and professional life.
It happens when he is drinking and this makes predictions of future behaviour unpredictable and they are probably going to get worse.
What on earth to you mean by "hug it out" if you say he doesn't come onto you at all. I am not being critical of you, with all respect I am trying to clarify what you are saying.
You need to be safe physically and emotionally and I hope you take immediate measure to ensure this.
You say he is respectful but coming into your room at all hours is not respectful. t is an invasion of your personal space and very presumtuous.
I would move out. Your needs and values must be protected and only you can do that.
Your post greatly alarms me. Is there somewhere else you can stay until you can afford your own place.
The boundaries are blured between work and professional life.
It happens when he is drinking and this makes predictions of future behaviour unpredictable and they are probably going to get worse.
What on earth to you mean by "hug it out" if you say he doesn't come onto you at all. I am not being critical of you, with all respect I am trying to clarify what you are saying.
You need to be safe physically and emotionally and I hope you take immediate measure to ensure this.
You say he is respectful but coming into your room at all hours is not respectful. t is an invasion of your personal space and very presumtuous.
I would move out. Your needs and values must be protected and only you can do that.
Your post greatly alarms me. Is there somewhere else you can stay until you can afford your own place.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi shiela and welcome.
it sounds as if this could progress into a volatile situation. i second the advice above, can you stay somewhere else?
another thing, do not mention your plans to him. it sounds as if he has become emotionally dependent on you and might take steps to block your exit.
a drunk man can be dangerous. he's already crossing all sorts of lines, by coming into your room. i'd get out quickly, if you can.
naive
it sounds as if this could progress into a volatile situation. i second the advice above, can you stay somewhere else?
another thing, do not mention your plans to him. it sounds as if he has become emotionally dependent on you and might take steps to block your exit.
a drunk man can be dangerous. he's already crossing all sorts of lines, by coming into your room. i'd get out quickly, if you can.
naive
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 3
Originally Posted by Gold 
What on earth to you mean by "hug it out" if you say he doesn't come onto you at all. I am not being critical of you, with all respect I am trying to clarify what you are saying.
Thank you very, very much to you guys for posting and caring. I am seriously weighing my options - the past few weeks have really come to a head today.
I have never had any direct relationship, friendship or family-wise, with someone who has a drinking problem. I have avoided such people before, but I feel like I walked into this (moving over 1000 miles away) without any previous hint of his problem. Yikes! I'm sure I look very naive so I greatly appreciate the advice of those who have experiences to share.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi Shiela I also moved out somewhere I didn't have close friends or family and discovered my partner was an alcoholic.
You will find good ideas and support over here. What are the immediate alternatives? is there family that can wire you some money? can you start looking for another job? do you plan to stay in that city? Does your room have locks?
Here we care very much. I am glad you found this site.
Hugs!
You will find good ideas and support over here. What are the immediate alternatives? is there family that can wire you some money? can you start looking for another job? do you plan to stay in that city? Does your room have locks?
Here we care very much. I am glad you found this site.
Hugs!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Hi shiela...have you considered just checking out other roommate options, preferably with someone who is not a friend? You could still pay less than normal rent and you wouldn't have to deal with this horrid stuff.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 285
Yikes! I'm sure I look very naive so I greatly appreciate the advice of those who have experiences to share.
I have thought about you a lot today over here on Aussie land.
I hope you are okay
Thanks for explaining "hugging it out" I was visualising long periods in each others arms. Is that a US term? Not an Aussie one thats for sure!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 3
Hello, everyone. Thanks so much for your nice words. I've been hanging out here and reading other people's stories and learning. Here is an update:
That same afternoon, I confronted my friend about his alcohol abuse, and forced him to listen to his drunken voicemails. He took the day off work, and when he decided to emerge from his room, he got rid of all of the alcohol in the house, including bottles that I didn't even know he was hiding in his room. He called a therapist and has a meeting on Monday; he claims that for the past 6 months he's been very depressed, but hasn't realized it and has never drank so much in his life and that him scaring me made him realize he has developed a problem. I'm very grateful he realized he needs help.
However, I am EXTREMELY cautiously optimistic. (Actually, I'm more pessimistic, I think.) He apologized and asked if there was anything I could promise him. Really, I think this was a guise so that I could say something like "NEVER DRINK AGAIN" and he would say "OKAY!" and then the whole thing would be swept under the rug and things would be happy. I can't trust him, and I told him that. Because he's apologized so many times before, and I know that though his intentions are good that slipups of getting drunk and harassing me are pretty much guaranteed. I told him I don't want his promises, and that if he wants my trust back he has to earn it with actions instead of with words. He was extremely disheartened by this. But I think he is so used to having his intentions rewarded that he doesn't have to do the real work to change anything, and I'm not (and never have) taken crap like that.
As for the living situation: First off, yes - my room has a lock and I intend to use it every night now! Kind of sad, but it's a precaution. I am talking with a friend today about having an "emergency crash place" that I can go to at any hour, any time should something bad happen. And I am saving up for an apartment - fast. As much as I appreciate my friends generosity - giving me a dream job and opening up his house for me, it's hard enough switching on and off work, let alone boss/friend relationship. I think he has pushed his entire life on me, forcing me to become his star worker, confidant, best friend, therapist... and I can't escape! I am definitely suffocating, and it's time to get out of here while things are still salvageable. And that's best for both of us!
If he stops his therapy before marked improvement, or starts bringing alcohol into the house again, I'm very much gone. Well, I'll be gone soon enough anyway after saving some cash - but if there is a situation like the one I mentioned before, I will be moving out immediately and eating ramen for months, haha.
Thank you, everybody.
I've been hanging out here and reading other people's stories and learning. Here is an update:That same afternoon, I confronted my friend about his alcohol abuse, and forced him to listen to his drunken voicemails. He took the day off work, and when he decided to emerge from his room, he got rid of all of the alcohol in the house, including bottles that I didn't even know he was hiding in his room. He called a therapist and has a meeting on Monday; he claims that for the past 6 months he's been very depressed, but hasn't realized it and has never drank so much in his life and that him scaring me made him realize he has developed a problem. I'm very grateful he realized he needs help.
However, I am EXTREMELY cautiously optimistic. (Actually, I'm more pessimistic, I think.) He apologized and asked if there was anything I could promise him. Really, I think this was a guise so that I could say something like "NEVER DRINK AGAIN" and he would say "OKAY!" and then the whole thing would be swept under the rug and things would be happy. I can't trust him, and I told him that. Because he's apologized so many times before, and I know that though his intentions are good that slipups of getting drunk and harassing me are pretty much guaranteed. I told him I don't want his promises, and that if he wants my trust back he has to earn it with actions instead of with words. He was extremely disheartened by this. But I think he is so used to having his intentions rewarded that he doesn't have to do the real work to change anything, and I'm not (and never have) taken crap like that.
As for the living situation: First off, yes - my room has a lock and I intend to use it every night now! Kind of sad, but it's a precaution. I am talking with a friend today about having an "emergency crash place" that I can go to at any hour, any time should something bad happen. And I am saving up for an apartment - fast. As much as I appreciate my friends generosity - giving me a dream job and opening up his house for me, it's hard enough switching on and off work, let alone boss/friend relationship. I think he has pushed his entire life on me, forcing me to become his star worker, confidant, best friend, therapist... and I can't escape! I am definitely suffocating, and it's time to get out of here while things are still salvageable. And that's best for both of us!
If he stops his therapy before marked improvement, or starts bringing alcohol into the house again, I'm very much gone. Well, I'll be gone soon enough anyway after saving some cash - but if there is a situation like the one I mentioned before, I will be moving out immediately and eating ramen for months, haha.
Thank you, everybody.
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