anonjoe

I think I'm an alcoholic.

Ever since I started drinking I've always been the drunkest around. I really like drinking it helps me feel like I can fit in and I have a tough time otherwise around people. I'm 24 I've only really been drinking since I turned 20 and went on a work trip to Japan where I could legally drink. It was awesome! I could go to clubs and approach girls and dance and have fun when I can't do anything like that otherwise. Since June of this year when I've been drinking I blackout. Sometimes for as long as 4 hours of the night that I just don't even remember but from accounts still been kicking. Even flirting with girls and getting numbers that I don't even remember the next day. I also recently found Adderall and ritalin which are great because I don't black out and can keep drinking all night long.

But that isn't me. Isn't who I want to be. I have a great job, great family. My job sent me to live in Japan for 3 months even! I have great opportunities at school and can take college classes for free!

I quit drinking last month for 30 days. It wasn't that hard but pot helped that alot. If it isn't on thing its another right? I went to 2 AA meetings when I quit. They were terrible. I cried each time I left which I never do. Ever.

All I want to know is does anyone else feel angry that they can't drink? All I can think is why me? Why can't I drink like a normal person? Why do I have this problem? It isn't fair!!!

I e-mailed my ex today telling her I still had feelings for her. Which is true but isn't fair to her. I'm dreading what she'll write back but it was important for me to tell her.

I left work today early (told my bosses I was having a breakdown) and was shaking. Went to the liquor store and couldn't go in. Drove around longer and went to another on and here I am doing shots of whiskey alone in my room. I even went to my neighbors to ask tell them. (They know I'm trying to stop) I wanted to ask them for help but simply couldn't. I'm so scared what my ex will think when she gets that e-mail. I've never had a problem if I didn't start drinking but today I just want to get drunk and be numb.

I CAN get better. I WILL get better. I CAN'T talk to the people I care about. Never been able to.

gritgirl

wow. i know how you feel. my drinking took control over me and that sucks. i got so angry about it. i just wanted to drink.

the funny thing is though is that the non-alcoholics don't get angry about this, at least from what i've seen, and this just convinces me more that i have a drinking problem.

i had to get desperate before i went to AA and that first 30 days or so sucked. and even while it sucked, my life went better without the drink.

i was getting drunk every night and falling asleep on my couch which wasn't much of a life. and i was starting to skip work. as the saying goes, the man (or woman) takes a drink and the drink takes the man.

yeah, it sucks. and still the alternative is for me to go back to drinking and skip work in order to drink, lose my job, lose my house, lose everything.

so i go to AA meetings every day, talk to my sponsor on a regular basis, work the Steps, and don't drink one day at a time.

i figure if i want the booze, it's always there for me. i can go back to drinking, getting drunk every night and falling asleep drunkenly, and keep sliding down into the hole of being a drunk. but for now, i'm going to keep doing this.

good for you for finding this forum and for putting it out there. it's hard, but i'm glad i'm still doing it.

NEOMARXIST

Alright man. I'm 24 and have been sober 6+months.

I too used stimulants (speed, Coke, E, BZP) to keep me from blacking out and awake longer so I could drink for longer and in bigger quantities.

I can relate to much of what you post.

Only when I gained total acceptance of my alcoholism was I able to gain this sobriety, and that has to be enforced by a programme of recovery, I choose AA/SR, In answer to your question No I definately don't feel angry that i cant drink, for me the compulsion to drink has been removed on a daily basis at the moment providing I do what i need to do in my recovery each day.

I had to embrace recovery and "work" it for that resentment of my alcoholism to be removed.

I don't think it's something that can be forced imo, you are only ready when you're ready. I was ready and at the stage where I was 100% sure I am an alcoholic and that if I continued then I was going to die, go to prison or mental institute. I am grateful for my acceptance.

Stick around man and just take it all One day at a time. Just for today I will not drink/use.

Peace x

GeeQ

Hey there Joe. Sorry to hear you are feeling so down. You remind me of exactly where I was two months ago when I finally gave in, threw in the towel and joined AA. You see, I drank much for the same reasons as you. For as long as I can remember, I felt awkward around others. I hated being in large groups of people, I had trouble making conversation and I never felt "right" in my skin. Drinking helped me become a social butterfly. On vodka, I am fearless, and the life of the party. Trouble is, the day after drinking, and increasingly more often, when I was drinking, I really felt terrible inside. The mental breakdowns started coming sooner and sooner. My depression meds "helped" me drink more and more, but my depression got worse. Once I REALLY joined into my home group of AA, I found that I am not alone. In fact, just about everyone else in the room was JUST like me. You see, I have a lot of "issues" that I would cover up with alcohol. It just got to the point where the booze wasn't helping at all any more. In fact, I got worse. I was distant from my Wife and Kids and other family members. All I wanted to do outside of drinking was sleep. I now know that I have what a friend calls, "A peculiar mental twist" that makes me think that alcohol is good for me. When in fact, it's the last thing I need. I can't think soundly when drinking. My emotions and feelings became dead and I just didn't want to be that way anymore.

I was scared as hell in dealing with the future without booze, scared as hell in dealing with people, and scared as hell in losing what I had become over 24 years of drinking. You know what, though, I feel a hell of a lot better now. I still have occasional bouts of darkness, but they are coming much less frequently now. I am told that eventually they will be all but nonexistant. I look forward to that. I am now emotionally available to my loved ones and much more honest with myself. It's like seeing life through new eyes.

I am not here to tell anyone what to do, but I can tell you that the alternatives to drinking are much better for me. I wish you the best in your life. Choosing sobriety sure as heck changed mine for the better. Best wishes~GeeQ

intention

Hi and welcome Joe,

I suppose all of us have had that thought, why can't we drink like everyone else then we have wasted so much time trying to drink like everyone else, only to find that we just can't.

The fact that you are now blacking out is a sign that your alcoholism is taking it's toll on your body and brain - this is a progressive disease, it just gets worse.

For the last year or so of my drinking I was blacking out after 2 glasses or wine or so, yet reports I got back from others suggested I was acting normal. I just don't remember. There is much I don't remember.....

Please stick around here. I hope you keep an open mind and consider going to an AA meeting. Getting some support and someone to talk to who understands is a great help.

RacerX

Hi Joe,

Four years ago, I spent 30 days in AA totally sober. My body felt great! The problem - I spent the whole time trying to figure out why I can't drink like my wife can, how could I get to this point at such an early age, what could I do to continue drinking but control it.....I ended up dropping out.

In short, that could have been my rock bottom and I could have started the climb up recovery. Instead, I decided to make it just another ledge downward.

Here I am, four years later, having to be on meds to prevent severe withdrawal symptoms (which wouldn't have been needed 4 years prior), and God only knows how many DWI's I should have had and how many people I love and care about should have walked away from me.

I've read many, many answers to your questions. To me, the easiest answer is, "It is what it is." I'm sick, I need to get better, this place and AA are what I have to have to recover. Regardless of why I can't drink like others, the important thing is to just know that I can't and move on to an incredible life.

Wish you all the best, my friend. Day 2 here so please do the same for me.

RacerX

Dee74

Hi Anonjoe

This really jumped out at me
I remember thinking that - for years - and never seeming to be able to do anything about it.

Eventually I worked out I had to stop drinking, regardless of how strange and terrifying I found the prospect.

3 years on - it's been hard, but I've never regretted making that decision.

I'm much closer now to the man I want to be - I'm content, I'm happy and I don't feel ashamed of myself.

Removing the drink is the first step - and the support I got here at SR was vital for me in staying the course....you're not alone

Good to have you here
D

anonjoe

Wow, I didn't think like anyone could think like I do right now. Thank you all for the advice and help! I am going to try 90 meetings for 90 days. For some reason it is easier to me to keep with an anonymous crowd. Thank you for all the support. I would like to keep posting here if this is the right place. I'm ready to try ANYTHING to feel like a normal person again.

allaheadslow

Hi!

Listen to the people on these boards. Read, read, read!

I hope you report back tomorrow is your Day 1

You can do it! Day 4 for me!!

Blessings,

HumbleBee

Welcome to SR, AnonJoe ~

You are absolutely in the right place. Please stick around - read/share/post - you are not alone.

I saw a LADAC (licensed alcohol/drug abuse) counselor when I first got sober. He was awesome. I found him through a local community rehab and saw him once a week, at night, on an outpatient basis (never interferred with work).

He knew exactly what I was going through and was my lifeline in early recovery.

There's alot of wonderful support available. Just take it slowly, know you're in good company with many who've been there and take extra care of yourself.

Hb

least

Welcome to SR! Yes, you can stop drinking. And being sober, despite being hard work, is so worth the effort. I wish you well in your recovery.