OT - please help with a boundary...
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
OT - please help with a boundary...
The landlord called yesterday, I was working and stressed. He called saying "hello, how are things going?" I told him they were ok but that there was a party place just next, SUPER noisy and I had not rested well during the weekend and was dissapointed.. he said he didn't know there was one.
Then I asked "what I can do for you?" and he answered "oh nothing, I just wanted to say hi... I went the other day to visit you but you weren't there.... I am planning to visit some other day..."
I was not very friendly and was busy so I said I had to go...
The landlord had to kick out the other ppl that rented his place by legal means as they destroyed the kitchen, hit the walls (I was cleaning one and there seem to be some spots as if a wine bottle had been crashed... ugh) and didn't pay. So I get where he is coming from.
When I asked him where I could deposit him the rent he said he preferred to receive it directly... after talking to a friend that also rents she said he probably wants to go to our apartment and see its conditions with the excuse of "making it easy for us" every month...
We didn't agree on anything but it wouldn't be strange if he arrives out of the blue.
BF said he need to buy furniture ASAP and clean ASAP and was worried and I told him our only responsibility was to pay rent and respect the neighbors and avoid destroying the walls with bottles... and that's it.. he said we needed to be in good terms with landlord and I said yes, that doesn't mean we got to be his friend or accept his noseyness.
If he calls asking to visit what would be a kind but firm response.. ? I'm thinking to tell him we could meet outside my work which is nearby, for me to pay the rent but what if I'm working at home or anywhere else...?
The other tricky part is that we conveniently avoided the subject of the cats... I was going to tell landlord but BF said "if he doesn't ask about pets, don't say anything" so we didn't mention them..so what if he arrives unexpectedly and sees them or hears them? I told BF well if he sees a problem in 2 kittens that have soft paws we will go to any of the other 3 apartments in rent at the same complex. He is not the only option.
I think whatever I say will offend the landlord.. he even introduced his wife... and she kept asking about jobs and if my parents were divorced blah blah... any better phrases than "get off my back, receive my money and don't call me anymore" are welcome.....
Then I asked "what I can do for you?" and he answered "oh nothing, I just wanted to say hi... I went the other day to visit you but you weren't there.... I am planning to visit some other day..."
I was not very friendly and was busy so I said I had to go...
The landlord had to kick out the other ppl that rented his place by legal means as they destroyed the kitchen, hit the walls (I was cleaning one and there seem to be some spots as if a wine bottle had been crashed... ugh) and didn't pay. So I get where he is coming from.
When I asked him where I could deposit him the rent he said he preferred to receive it directly... after talking to a friend that also rents she said he probably wants to go to our apartment and see its conditions with the excuse of "making it easy for us" every month...
We didn't agree on anything but it wouldn't be strange if he arrives out of the blue.
BF said he need to buy furniture ASAP and clean ASAP and was worried and I told him our only responsibility was to pay rent and respect the neighbors and avoid destroying the walls with bottles... and that's it.. he said we needed to be in good terms with landlord and I said yes, that doesn't mean we got to be his friend or accept his noseyness.
If he calls asking to visit what would be a kind but firm response.. ? I'm thinking to tell him we could meet outside my work which is nearby, for me to pay the rent but what if I'm working at home or anywhere else...?
The other tricky part is that we conveniently avoided the subject of the cats... I was going to tell landlord but BF said "if he doesn't ask about pets, don't say anything" so we didn't mention them..so what if he arrives unexpectedly and sees them or hears them? I told BF well if he sees a problem in 2 kittens that have soft paws we will go to any of the other 3 apartments in rent at the same complex. He is not the only option.
I think whatever I say will offend the landlord.. he even introduced his wife... and she kept asking about jobs and if my parents were divorced blah blah... any better phrases than "get off my back, receive my money and don't call me anymore" are welcome.....
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Be civil. Treat an interaction with him as if you would any other business transaction. Polite, short and direct.
I would not evade the cat subject if he mentions it. Here the landlords ask about pets before you move in, and many require deposits.
I would not evade the cat subject if he mentions it. Here the landlords ask about pets before you move in, and many require deposits.
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
I've been polite until now... short and direct.. its impossible.... lol
Oh no, if he mentions the cats I will say they are females, spayed, with paw protections. The apartment does not have furniture so hopefully it won't be an issue, they do not keep meowing all night or anything.
I guess I will call him next week to agree on a time and suggest my workplace as a meeting point. If he asks to see the apartment I will tell him "sorry, I don't think its part of our contract. Call X Y and Z and ask them in which conditions I left their apartments for reference. Here is your money"
I hope as I am ready to place the boundary, Life sees it that I don't have to defend it and make the landlords angry... I know they will get angry if I place this boundary... but that's their stuff right? I'm not there to be well dressed and have everything clean just in case the landlord happens to arrive. I'm paying for God's sakes...
Oh no, if he mentions the cats I will say they are females, spayed, with paw protections. The apartment does not have furniture so hopefully it won't be an issue, they do not keep meowing all night or anything.
I guess I will call him next week to agree on a time and suggest my workplace as a meeting point. If he asks to see the apartment I will tell him "sorry, I don't think its part of our contract. Call X Y and Z and ask them in which conditions I left their apartments for reference. Here is your money"
I hope as I am ready to place the boundary, Life sees it that I don't have to defend it and make the landlords angry... I know they will get angry if I place this boundary... but that's their stuff right? I'm not there to be well dressed and have everything clean just in case the landlord happens to arrive. I'm paying for God's sakes...
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Thanks Miss. Here the custom is a little bit different... that is why you pay a deposit, which in many cases is a large sum. When you leave, if the apartment is not in good conditions, they don't give you your deposit back and use it for repairs. Although... many times even if the apartment is perfect the owners don't give back the money. And payments are usually through a bank deposit.
Owners can drive around as anyone but one thing is to be checking your property and the other one is to "visit" unannounced to take a look inside and see if the faucet is still in good conditions, which seems what the owner is hinting to do.
BF says the owner had gone at a different time as well and was waiting for him, to give him a lighter to turn on the stove. Mmh? He also expressed opinions on why we were not married. He introduced us to his wife. That is what I'm talking about. We're not "friends".
My only obligations are to pay the rent, respect the neighbors, keep things in good condition and report any major problem. And pay for the fix as well. Not to be at the owner's whim whenever he feels like I may be putting the kitchen on fire. Anyway... I'll call the owner next week. Over here, no one has the right to go into your place even if its rented, unless they got a legal order.
Anvil: as it is I am feeling very happy, peaceful and grateful for my life today.
Initially I took your post wrong and got irritated... but I will tell you something. I got Implanon. My moods are too extreme since I got it, I have been super irritable lately, and I am thinking of taking it out. I go from totally angry to depressed then to a high like now.
Since researching with a friend and Internet I see where my latest neurosis comes, its not the main reason but certainly doesn't help.
I was angry the other day and I'm going back to karate, I also realized I was taking it out with BF and it was not fair. I'm so excited to be back to the martial arts.
Anyway I don't expect you to understand as our cultures are very different.
If a partner turns out to be an abusive drunk, wouldn't I need to move out?
If I see a frightful man staring at me from a roof at 4 AM while I'm at bed, should I shrug it off and say "I can't control him". If I'm told he had an iron rod and crashed windows, wouldn't I need to leave ASAP?
If a neighbor stares from the roof, opens his door to check me out whenever he listens I'm opening my door (and my mom, sister and bf confirm he is supercreepy). If he goes out half naked with c'mons. If he looks up from downstairs to see if this morning I'm wearing a skirt to work. If I'm walking home with my laptop and see a band of strangers coming from afar and my heart races. If I get out of my car under the pouring rain and a homeless scares me out and I'm sure he'll steal it at best. Its me?
Oh well... again... maybe its just that our cultures are very different. I'm describing what I have lived. And I don't find it acceptable.
I don't feel bad for moving out so many times. In fact I feel pretty proud of myself for doing everything of what I have done so far to improve my conditions. Alone, mostly.
Although dettachment is necessary, it doesn't make blatant menace and daily disrespect OK.
Unfortunately in this forum there are many assumptions that can be made. Perhaps I share too much of my life. Often I come here, vent, then go on with my life feeling better because I got it out of my system. It doesn't mean I'm totally obsessed about the issue and it rules my life. And even when a topic does, like XABF and mourning. What then? we are here to be vulnerable, to be ourselves, right? to be honest. And to find ESH.
Anyway good news: a neighbor tells me its not often they make those loud parties. Thank God... I hope he is right.
Did you know that if you put constant noise and loud music to lab rats, they go insane in no time?????????? perhaps that's what already happened LOL !!
Owners can drive around as anyone but one thing is to be checking your property and the other one is to "visit" unannounced to take a look inside and see if the faucet is still in good conditions, which seems what the owner is hinting to do.
BF says the owner had gone at a different time as well and was waiting for him, to give him a lighter to turn on the stove. Mmh? He also expressed opinions on why we were not married. He introduced us to his wife. That is what I'm talking about. We're not "friends".
My only obligations are to pay the rent, respect the neighbors, keep things in good condition and report any major problem. And pay for the fix as well. Not to be at the owner's whim whenever he feels like I may be putting the kitchen on fire. Anyway... I'll call the owner next week. Over here, no one has the right to go into your place even if its rented, unless they got a legal order.
Anvil: as it is I am feeling very happy, peaceful and grateful for my life today.
Initially I took your post wrong and got irritated... but I will tell you something. I got Implanon. My moods are too extreme since I got it, I have been super irritable lately, and I am thinking of taking it out. I go from totally angry to depressed then to a high like now.
Since researching with a friend and Internet I see where my latest neurosis comes, its not the main reason but certainly doesn't help.
I was angry the other day and I'm going back to karate, I also realized I was taking it out with BF and it was not fair. I'm so excited to be back to the martial arts.
Anyway I don't expect you to understand as our cultures are very different.
If a partner turns out to be an abusive drunk, wouldn't I need to move out?
If I see a frightful man staring at me from a roof at 4 AM while I'm at bed, should I shrug it off and say "I can't control him". If I'm told he had an iron rod and crashed windows, wouldn't I need to leave ASAP?
If a neighbor stares from the roof, opens his door to check me out whenever he listens I'm opening my door (and my mom, sister and bf confirm he is supercreepy). If he goes out half naked with c'mons. If he looks up from downstairs to see if this morning I'm wearing a skirt to work. If I'm walking home with my laptop and see a band of strangers coming from afar and my heart races. If I get out of my car under the pouring rain and a homeless scares me out and I'm sure he'll steal it at best. Its me?
Oh well... again... maybe its just that our cultures are very different. I'm describing what I have lived. And I don't find it acceptable.
I don't feel bad for moving out so many times. In fact I feel pretty proud of myself for doing everything of what I have done so far to improve my conditions. Alone, mostly.
Although dettachment is necessary, it doesn't make blatant menace and daily disrespect OK.
Unfortunately in this forum there are many assumptions that can be made. Perhaps I share too much of my life. Often I come here, vent, then go on with my life feeling better because I got it out of my system. It doesn't mean I'm totally obsessed about the issue and it rules my life. And even when a topic does, like XABF and mourning. What then? we are here to be vulnerable, to be ourselves, right? to be honest. And to find ESH.
Anyway good news: a neighbor tells me its not often they make those loud parties. Thank God... I hope he is right.
Did you know that if you put constant noise and loud music to lab rats, they go insane in no time?????????? perhaps that's what already happened LOL !!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
TC, when I was in South America even the computer guy that would come to my room to work on my laptop seemed to feel he had the right as a male to be condescending to me, tell my how I should live, conduct myself, scold me etc. I can still see that mean dark glare in his eyes as I told him to bug off he couldn't speak to me that way. And as his office was in the same building the hostility was always palpable when we saw one another. I got a different place to work on my laptop, where I could take it there, drop it off and etc. You know, like normal! LOL
You know very well how you are regarded if you are living with a male and are not married in that culture. When my bf (at the time) visited me, I told him in advance we would wear gold rings and be esposo y esposa or he would have to stay in another room.
I was able to run people off...but it was perhaps easier for me, because I was seen as a gringa con plata. A foreigner and perhaps thought stupid, but accomodated because I did have the money to pay well.
single women are targets. all women are second class citizens (at best!)
In your place I would answer the door for repairs or to pay rent. I would stand in the doorway blocking it. Don't clean the place up for them, their opinion is theirs and doesn't matter, none of your business, right? You can out stubborn them, I think. That is what I had to do and it basically worked. The first few times they knocked unannounced, I answered and gave some excuse for being busy or unavailable, I am sorry. Then I just stopped answering the door. It took awhile, but it stopped, because they did like getting the regular dependable rental money without trouble and later I was just considered something of an eccentric. That worked to my advantage.
Take care!
Live
You know very well how you are regarded if you are living with a male and are not married in that culture. When my bf (at the time) visited me, I told him in advance we would wear gold rings and be esposo y esposa or he would have to stay in another room.
I was able to run people off...but it was perhaps easier for me, because I was seen as a gringa con plata. A foreigner and perhaps thought stupid, but accomodated because I did have the money to pay well.
single women are targets. all women are second class citizens (at best!)
In your place I would answer the door for repairs or to pay rent. I would stand in the doorway blocking it. Don't clean the place up for them, their opinion is theirs and doesn't matter, none of your business, right? You can out stubborn them, I think. That is what I had to do and it basically worked. The first few times they knocked unannounced, I answered and gave some excuse for being busy or unavailable, I am sorry. Then I just stopped answering the door. It took awhile, but it stopped, because they did like getting the regular dependable rental money without trouble and later I was just considered something of an eccentric. That worked to my advantage.
Take care!
Live
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Ms.Fixit,
I thin she has said she would like to but is not able at this time.
It really is pretty wild! That computer repair man actually tried to physically intimidate me, looming over me and with his closeness pushing me back. I had the distinct feeling that if I weren't a favored North American customer in a hotel and friends with the owner...I think it was in his nature to knock sense into a woman or to put them in their place.
I also had the creepies stalking me like thing.
and it is all perfectly acceptable within the culture.
enough to keep me virginal while I was staying there! LOL
I thin she has said she would like to but is not able at this time.
It really is pretty wild! That computer repair man actually tried to physically intimidate me, looming over me and with his closeness pushing me back. I had the distinct feeling that if I weren't a favored North American customer in a hotel and friends with the owner...I think it was in his nature to knock sense into a woman or to put them in their place.
I also had the creepies stalking me like thing.
and it is all perfectly acceptable within the culture.
enough to keep me virginal while I was staying there! LOL
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Thanks anvil I felt attacked by you for a brief moment and I felt bad because you have helped me so much and kicked my ass so many times LOL. Glad we're good.
Also, I think its also the accumulation of bad experiences and loneliness... I kind of hit a breaking point... 2009 was horrible and I feel I'm releasing the accumulated stress.... but I realized I am/was very bitter... that is why I'm back to sports and trying to get a life like itsmealice says, lol and finally settle down..
Implanon, I got 4 months, supposedly its for 3 years. I compared notes with a friend who got it months earlier than me and told me that she was totally irritable and took it out on her boss.. at her 4 months as well... she didn't realize it may have been the implant but made sense according to the side effects and what I read from many others.
Right now she is totally happy so I'm hoping its just a stage... the bad thing about the doc is that she disregards opinions completely and says those mood changes are minor compared to the advantages of the implant. I think the implant works because
/your moods make your boyfriend break up with you
/there is no drive at all so its basically celibacy that they sell for 500 USD.
I am giving it more time and see if it indeed gets better.... I already told BF to be patient and give me some time to "find my center" again. I am decorating my yoga room and it uplifted me...
Yes anvil..the capital is way different, they pass laws to allow gay marriage, ppl can cohabitate without anyone caring, there is more religious variety.. not everyone is that way but I didn't think it would be so much different here supposedly the second largest city. Ugh. For instance, people in semaphores giving out ads for call girls and table dances. Many table dance places and insulting ads. The reality of my country sucks.
BF is also tired of working his a$$ off, has worked for years, pays uni, works weekends etc. for... nothing... one of our moves was to live together, so we can prove we have more than 12 months living together, and he can give me 5 points so we can get to Australia. It seems the friendliest country for skilled migration.
The only problem is that my sister is in Chad and my dad is moving to Finland, so I guess a little more and we couldn't be further away from each other lol. If I could take my mom and 2 cats to Australia with me, then I wouldn't need anything else in this world...
Also I'm glad you're posting again
PS at least now I'm obsessing about diff things now LOL. All I know is he arrives late and is found sleeping in his cubicle. I doubt its because he is working hard until the wee morning hours
Also, I think its also the accumulation of bad experiences and loneliness... I kind of hit a breaking point... 2009 was horrible and I feel I'm releasing the accumulated stress.... but I realized I am/was very bitter... that is why I'm back to sports and trying to get a life like itsmealice says, lol and finally settle down..
Implanon, I got 4 months, supposedly its for 3 years. I compared notes with a friend who got it months earlier than me and told me that she was totally irritable and took it out on her boss.. at her 4 months as well... she didn't realize it may have been the implant but made sense according to the side effects and what I read from many others.
Right now she is totally happy so I'm hoping its just a stage... the bad thing about the doc is that she disregards opinions completely and says those mood changes are minor compared to the advantages of the implant. I think the implant works because
/your moods make your boyfriend break up with you
/there is no drive at all so its basically celibacy that they sell for 500 USD.
I am giving it more time and see if it indeed gets better.... I already told BF to be patient and give me some time to "find my center" again. I am decorating my yoga room and it uplifted me...
Yes anvil..the capital is way different, they pass laws to allow gay marriage, ppl can cohabitate without anyone caring, there is more religious variety.. not everyone is that way but I didn't think it would be so much different here supposedly the second largest city. Ugh. For instance, people in semaphores giving out ads for call girls and table dances. Many table dance places and insulting ads. The reality of my country sucks.
BF is also tired of working his a$$ off, has worked for years, pays uni, works weekends etc. for... nothing... one of our moves was to live together, so we can prove we have more than 12 months living together, and he can give me 5 points so we can get to Australia. It seems the friendliest country for skilled migration.
The only problem is that my sister is in Chad and my dad is moving to Finland, so I guess a little more and we couldn't be further away from each other lol. If I could take my mom and 2 cats to Australia with me, then I wouldn't need anything else in this world...
Also I'm glad you're posting again
PS at least now I'm obsessing about diff things now LOL. All I know is he arrives late and is found sleeping in his cubicle. I doubt its because he is working hard until the wee morning hours
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Thanks Live. It is sad for me to listen similar stories. There are of course great people and places etc, but we are years behind in terms of equality and human rights. A couple of our cities are the top #1 and top #3 in violence. Above Bhagdad. Its also the most violent towards journalists. And #1 in child obesity. Not to mention corruption... as I grow up I realize its a disgrace, and all the ones with possibilities leave...
Back to the title of the thread, LOL, I will do that Live. Just stand there... I also hope when they receive no one's complaints and know we pay, etc their paranoia stops. Maybe when the neighbor comes I'm not even there, with my classes and all, so BF can worry and get angry for me or show the apartment if he wishes, whatever I may be dancing salsa.
PS Live you made me laugh with your words in spanish!! you remember it very well!!
Back to the title of the thread, LOL, I will do that Live. Just stand there... I also hope when they receive no one's complaints and know we pay, etc their paranoia stops. Maybe when the neighbor comes I'm not even there, with my classes and all, so BF can worry and get angry for me or show the apartment if he wishes, whatever I may be dancing salsa.
PS Live you made me laugh with your words in spanish!! you remember it very well!!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
