Replacing one addiction for another
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: asheville, nc
Posts: 17
Replacing one addiction for another
Hello... was last on here in 2008. At the time my husband and I were separated and headed for divorce. Two years later... He has been sober for a year and a half and we have been back together for a year. In the beginning he went to meetings almost every day and was working the steps, he got a new sponsor and has kind of slacked off on the step work. Anyway, we do go to church on Wednesdays for a marriage class, on Thursday nights for Celebrate Recovery and on Sundays for worship. We are now struggling with Sex. He tries to initiate sex every morning, afternoon (we work together at our own business) and evening. He feels so rejected if I say no. It really has nothing to do with him, I am just tired. We have two young children. He has also been using porn. He acts like if I don't have sex with him, it is a deal breaker for our marriage. I feel like I am always teetering on the edge again, like before with his alcoholism. If I do say no, I find that he is mean, and just generally ill towards me, but if I say yes, he treats me like I am the greatest person on the planet. I just dont want to live on that rollercoaster again. I dont want to enable him by always giving in, but, I don't know how else to find peace. LOTS and LOTS of prayer!!
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
Welcome back.
It sounds like you feel coerced. Never a good feeling with sex!! You're a smart person trying to resolve it.
In situations like this, I try to pull my AH out of it in my mind and figure out my boundaries for me. My AH may want whatever, and that is his right, but what do I want? In general, sex 1x a week, every day, 1xa month - I get to decide for me.
Am I willing to have sex when I feel so so about it or am I not? What do I need him to do to get me in the mood? What do I want sex to be like? How do I feel about it in general? What things are necessary? What things are unacceptable?
This type of inquiry has allowed me to find my own discomfort around sex - to pull apart what is hooked up in my feelings about my partner and what is my past. I've had to work through a lot of cultural/religious junk, as well as the junk from my own past. All the sex I had when I didn't want it. In fact, it was a revelation to me to hear once, "I will never have sex again if I don't want to!" It made me realize how much sex I had had when I didn't want to. I made the same vow to myself. That helped me figure out what I liked and wanted when I stopped playing the vixen (unhappily) or just "going along".
Once I get that stuff clear, I think of him. Do I want to have sex with HIM? Why or why not? I did this with one boyfriend and when I got to him, I realized I wasn't sexually attracted to the man. Wonderful man, but I didn't want to go there. Well no wonder our sex life sucked!
Once I get both those pieces clear, I can turn down sex or not, realizing that my AH's reaction is his. He may not accept my boundaries (it is his right), but that is not my problem. I can negotiate within my boundaries, but I won't go past them. Then he gets to choose what to do.
It feels very respectful of both of us to do it that way, although if your partner isn't used to you having boundaries, it may cause a stir!! But you can talk about these things, once you get clear on what you want.
If he treats you badly if you won't "give it up", is that okay with you? I hear you saying its not. You have choices. What are your boundaries? What are you going to do if he treats you badly?
Good luck!
wife
It sounds like you feel coerced. Never a good feeling with sex!! You're a smart person trying to resolve it.
In situations like this, I try to pull my AH out of it in my mind and figure out my boundaries for me. My AH may want whatever, and that is his right, but what do I want? In general, sex 1x a week, every day, 1xa month - I get to decide for me.
Am I willing to have sex when I feel so so about it or am I not? What do I need him to do to get me in the mood? What do I want sex to be like? How do I feel about it in general? What things are necessary? What things are unacceptable?
This type of inquiry has allowed me to find my own discomfort around sex - to pull apart what is hooked up in my feelings about my partner and what is my past. I've had to work through a lot of cultural/religious junk, as well as the junk from my own past. All the sex I had when I didn't want it. In fact, it was a revelation to me to hear once, "I will never have sex again if I don't want to!" It made me realize how much sex I had had when I didn't want to. I made the same vow to myself. That helped me figure out what I liked and wanted when I stopped playing the vixen (unhappily) or just "going along".
Once I get that stuff clear, I think of him. Do I want to have sex with HIM? Why or why not? I did this with one boyfriend and when I got to him, I realized I wasn't sexually attracted to the man. Wonderful man, but I didn't want to go there. Well no wonder our sex life sucked!
Once I get both those pieces clear, I can turn down sex or not, realizing that my AH's reaction is his. He may not accept my boundaries (it is his right), but that is not my problem. I can negotiate within my boundaries, but I won't go past them. Then he gets to choose what to do.
It feels very respectful of both of us to do it that way, although if your partner isn't used to you having boundaries, it may cause a stir!! But you can talk about these things, once you get clear on what you want.
If he treats you badly if you won't "give it up", is that okay with you? I hear you saying its not. You have choices. What are your boundaries? What are you going to do if he treats you badly?
Good luck!
wife
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