transformyself

I just want to say thank you
for the support
for the perspective--unlocking the "mysteries" of my life that I thought would drive me crazy.

Looking back, I can now see that my AH did not and does not love me. Everything I took as such, was a manipulation-perhaps at time unconscious-to keep me around, to keep the focus on him and keep drama going so he could justify destryoing his life with booze.

I was preparing to leave him-he had an affair
I was devistated for 4 months-he was nicer and nicer to me, while living with her, in a succesful attempt to keep me emotionally hooked
I had enough and filed for divorce-he said he was in lve with me and wanted to make things work
We tried reconciling-he kept going back to her because she drank as much as he did
I finally leave him for good-he continues to insert himself into my life
I pull away-he plays games to try to get my attention again.

None of this--none--is love, respect or an adult relationship. It's manipulation and selfish motivation masked as care for me.

Today I can look back on it and try to forgive.

It was this time in January last year that some really ugly stuff was going on between us and I've been feeling pretty angry. Unstable.

But I went away for two days with my little dogs and am feeling much better. I think I see him, and the rest of my sick family, for what they are.

You guys are real life savers. Thank you.

Eight Ball

I am just finding my feet with Soberrecovery and Al-anon but like you are thankful that I have them, the support and all the new friends I have made along the way. They truly are a lifesaver.

I still cant get over how much of myself that I recognise in others posts and your post above was no exception. I have read quite a bit of your posts over the past few days and have found you to be quite inspirational. So thank you to you, too.

transformyself

Oh, forgot to add:
Now I also see myself more clearly. I feel like I have a more firm grasp on what my options are, now that I am not obsessed with and trying to depend on my AH.

I also am a bit confused as to how my posts over the last few days could be inspiriational, unless it's the sort of thing where you can look at my version of crazy and not feel so alone...:day6 cause if anything I"m pretty darn honest about where I'm at, how I got there and what the heck to do about it.

But thanks!

stella27

Your posts are inspiring because I think we all have setbacks. I can be doing really well for a month and then spend hours weeping because XH and I are not able to sit together at church and watch our kids' performance. Never mind that he doesn't want to sit with me and I feel physically sick at the idea of being in the same room with him...

My expectation and fantasy of being a family and being able to put the kids first and separate a 15 year entanglement with no emotion are UNREALISTIC. So why do I get tied up in knots over it?

Your posts and everybody else's help me realize that we are all still traveling. We haven't just wrapped this little journey up and moved on. We are all still struggling, and that makes me feel more healthy.

Thank you.

Live

We ARE a family here at SR, aren't we?

TakingCharge999

Thanks to you for sharing your journey, transform

Well when I wrote that I went to the ladies and saw XABF arriving... the same leather jacket he always wore, the same way of walking.. the same glasses... physically he has not changed a bit.

I come back and I think without SR I would still be going mad with pain. But no.. I am stronger now... in him I see an heavy drinker at best, an abusive man drink or no drinks, and in me I see a strong woman that refused to be someone's doormat. And I no longer cherish our good times. He destroyed any good memory I wanted to keep.

I feel better imagining it was all a nightmare. Life truly is better without toxic people (partner, neighbor, "friend", etc) making it more difficult than it alerady is.

I still use your mantra often and I love it because its about ME, "I CHOOSE to stay away.. "

Great stuff.. hugs!!

Live

Hear! Hear! TC!!!!

transformyself

Well. That explains it. Thank you. And yes, that mantra keeps me somewhat sane much of the time as well. Here it is for those of you unfamiliar with it:

I am leaving you now
I am free of you and your toxic behavior
This is my choice
All is for my greater good.


Me, on the other hand, I just screamed at AH and turned off the phone. He called, saying he thinks he should move into my house with the kids and I should get an apartment. He's got an investment here, as he pays the rent, and he thinks I"m not handling it well. I went to my cousins house for two days and he says I should have stayed and worked on cleaning and unpacking the house. I had asked for a budget meeting, he says, "why? I give you everything. There's nothing to budget."

Then complains that I'm bringing in money but he doesn't know how much. He's insane! I hate him right now. If I were financially independant, it would solve so many of my problems.


Ugh. Now I have to try to work, am working on calming myself down. I don't have to convince him of anything, understand what he's up to or feed the flames of drama right now. I have to write 6 articles and edit a bio. That's all that matters...me, me, me...

Love, Transformie

Kassie2

For me, as I read your last post, I see how you struggle with sorting out what to respond to and what not to respond to. In my experience, the AS can throw out a lot of crazy messages, demands, accusations - it is our job to sort out what makes sense to respond or not. When my RAH was drinking and early in recovery he often made many unrealistic demands or had unrealistic expectations which I kept responding to until I learned not to.

Eight Ball

Sorry I should have explained myself better, its not your posts that you have made over the last few day that I was referring, I have only been on this website for the past few days but have read quite a bit in that time and have come across some inspirational, helpful and wise posts written by yourself and many others on this site.