Valleyd

My name is Val, recovering drug addict. I attend mostly NA meetings but also have been attending AA. I have been "around the rooms" for many years, but at this time I am about 80-some days clean and sober. There's a older lady in AA who is a well-known and well-respected "oldtimer". One of her sons and I were pretty good friends (in recovery) a few years back. A very sad and shocking thing happened to this lady....two out of her three sons died a couple of months apart this past summer. Anyway, I met back up with this lady at a women's AA meeting a couple of weeks ago and she told me that she felt that we could benefit from spending some time together. I am currently unemployed and felt it would be a great idea and was very much looking forward to that!

Anyway, I called her and she called me a couple of times and she invited me to go to luch with a few of the AA ladies after the noon meeting yesterday. I happily accepted her invitation.

This is where things get crazy! After the meeting when I get in her car to go to lunch IT REEKS OF WEED...I MEAN REALLY GOOD WEED! I was completely blown away... shocked and disappointed and didn't want to believe what I was smelling. I tried to tell myself it was my imagination or that maybe she hit a skunk on the way to the meeting. As we drove along I kept smelling it and the more I smelled it the more certain I was that I was not going crazy... Anyway, we all went in and had lunch. During lunch she was discussing a plan to start a drive to get donations for diapers for the babies in Haiti and for her great grandbabies (the grandchildren of my old friend, her son)...and how I was going to help her get things organized. I kept pondering the situation...I thought "should I call my sponsor before I say or do anything?" "Can this lady who I have always admired and from whom I thought I could learn some things about recovery and who needs me right now really be smoking POT??" and then I thought I already know what she would tell me to do and that is to confront her about it. I am so not good at being assertive and confrontation and that is something I am trying really hard to change right now. So I decided that after lunch when we got into the vehicle I would say something to the effect of "Wow! It smells like weed in here" or some such thing. When we got back into the car, it no longer smelled like weed so I didn't do it.

Last night I had a nightmare about using and running from the cops and I woke up really scared. I'm supposed to get together with this lady again on Friday. I know that I am NOT comfortable with spending time with ANYONE who uses ANYTHING to alter their mood. I think the nightmare was a good indication that I have to back out. I am thinking the other ladies will wonder why but what's more important is me and my recovery.

I don't even know exactly why I am putting this post in here. I just had to get it off my chest because it really BLOWS MY MIND!:wtf2

Ceres

That's perplexing. 80 days is still young in recovery. So, maybe keep a friendly distance for now. Just to be safe.

Keeping a friendly distance has been pretty easy for me in AA. As, those I know who struggle, we can chat before or after the meeting and that's pretty much it. I have a friend who was sober for a time but now is struggling. She's still my friend. I keep our relationship pretty much on the AA level for now. Meaning we don't go hang out around town. We sometimes go for coffee before or after a meeting. But, a meeting is pretty much alway's involved.

Saphie

Hi!
Well done on your 80 days. That's great, be very proud of yourself.
I just wanted to mention two things that came to mind when I read your post:

Could it possibly be that the lady's car was used by one of her sons or someone else that smoked or carried the weed? I don't know how old this lady is, but my mother-in-law is a great example of how the ability to smell things deteriorates with age. You could run over a skunk in front of her and she wouldn't smell it .

Also your dreams are perfectly normal even without reasons. I'm on 100+ days and still dream about drinking. Of course you know what's best for your sobriety and it has absolute priority. If you feel uncomfortable seeing the lady make an excuse and move forward. Unless you are being pushed into a corner of why, I would not mention it to her, but that's me.
Let us know how you deal with it. I'm sure it will help others. Thanks.

intention

Hi, well done on being clean and sober.

you could look at it that God was looking out for you by removing the smell from the car. That planned conversation could have caused you a whole lot of problems in your early recovery.

I would say stick to cleaning your side of the street. What she is doing is her business.

If you are not sure about whether she is using, you can keep your distance for a while.

Work your own 12 Steps, and when you are working all 12, then perhaps you can help her. Through prayer and meditation at Step 11 you will be given guidance on how to handle the situation, if you seek it.
take care.

eureka

Congratulations on the 80 days for sure.

What confuses me is that if the car smelled like weed then most likely there was weed in there, right? Then the weed disappears after lunch? Did anyone stay behind who may have smoked it? I just doubt that weed that was strong enough for you to smell beforehand would all of a sudden not be able to be smelled... Does that make sense?

In the case that it wasn't weed, you could be missing out on a friendship because you are afraid of confrontation. I think you should go ahead and ask her.

And drug dreams are scary for sure. I still have them every single night. I have found that the longer I am sober, the less frequently they occur, however; things can make them re-occur. For instance, if I get a shot I will most likely have one that night. If I see an old friend I will most likely have one. It is possible the smell and your focused attention on it is what brought about the dream. If you find out she doesn't smoke then I doubt the dreams will keep coming as long as the smell disappears as well.

Thanks for your post! It was hopeful.

Valleyd

Eureka,

I thought the same thing. If it smelled that strong before lunch, why was the smell gone after lunch?

When we got to the restaurant and we were in the parking lot, I started to get out of the car and she kept hesitating in the driver's seat until after I was out and shut the passenger's side door...

I know that this might sound suspiscious/paranoid whatever...but I'm thinking she realized her stash was not sealed up when we got in the car after the meeting and that is why she stayed in the car until after I got out...to seal it up tight.

This lady is in her mid to late 70's and the last thing in the world I would EVER suspect is that she smokes weed! I may be in early recovery but I'm not crazy. Its really disturbing. She is supposed to call me sometime today about getting together tomorrow. I'm scared to even answer the phone but I know I have to push past my fear and old behavior and confront her.

eureka

Good luck! Let us know how that confrontation goes.

soberinwpg

Did you talk to your sponsor?

Valleyd

I need to ask you guys something...does anyone know if she hit a skunk and the car sat for an hour during a meeting would it smell very strong after the meeting but then after having sat for another hour after that (lunch) the smell would be gone? Is that possible? I would really like to believe that this lady is not smoking weed and I would like to give her the benefit of the doubt.

Sorry, as I read over this again, I have to laugh...I know it sounds silly, but it is important to me. Thanks!

Valleyd

I did talk to my sponsor. She has known this lady through the years. She likes her a lot but she also said that it is quite possible that she was smoking weed.

We had left it at: If it happens again, I am to confront her and to let her know I am not OK with associating with people who smoke weed. HowEVER, the more I thought it over, I realized that I am not ok with waiting for it to happen again.

soberinwpg

No matter how much you think and rething and ask yourself and consider and ponder, you won't know until you ask. And you might even not know then b/c you might not trust her answer.
I would say "I'm concerned about my recovery. I smelled pot in your car yesterday and although I don't want to judge or assume, I can't put myself in that situation"
See what she says.
BUT ask your sponsor first. LOL

soberinwpg

Did she say to confront her? To ask her? Or to focus on yourself and walk away?

Valleyd

Thank you, I like your wording.

yeahgr8

This kind if reminds me of that thing in the back of the BB, in the spiritual experience section...trying not to look it up here but as far as i remember it's something like the path to ignorance is contempt prior to investigation? Here you are not being ignorant as in stupid but you don't know and are jumping to conclusions a bit...so take your sponsors advice on this one...

The poor moo might have crippling arthritus and be prescribed medical pot for all you know...ask her:-)

I agree though i want nothing to do with any mood altering substances or people that take them because i do not anymore...although i have heard of a quite a few people in the rooms that tried substituting booze for pot, i've never met one that it has worked for long term though.

BTW i have smelt perfume before that i would have sworn is pot and my friend the same as he used to smoke coke and he says he could have sworn he smelt it real strong on a woman once...who knows what it is until you ask hehe

Talking about dreams i had contact with an old 'friend' the other day and next thing i know im dreaming that i am walking down the street with a beer on my hand doing all sorts of crap lol funny huh?!

jamdls

Hi Valley, congrats on 80 days! As others have said, #1 make yourself and your recovery your priority #2 be up front with this woman and ask her and if you are not comfortable with her answer and/or don't believe then keep your distance

Valleyd

She called a little while ago. I was too scared to answer the phone. I told myself, "Val, you've gotta call her back and confront her no matter how scared you may be!" So, I just did. I told her when I got into her car it smelled like marijuana and what did she have to say about that? She said she had no idea, maybe it was the cleaning supplies in the back. She said "how about if I pick up up around 11:00 tomrorrow? I started to say "ok" then I stopped and I said I would have to think about this and get back to her. WOW! My stomach is in knots. I am just not comfortable with it. I think I know the difference between weed and cleaning supplies and I'm so proud of myself for doing what I had to do...I think(??)

eureka

Good for you!

But someone who smokes would know that cleaning supplies don't smell like weed. Lol. That is kind of funny. I would think that she would have come up with a more plausible story if she actually were smoking. Think one of her friends might have been the pothead?

Dee74

Hi Val

I think you should go with your gut - if you're uncomfortable being around this woman, then...don't be.

D