Mambo Queen

The situation: a few weeks ago, my XAH said he had accepted a job in Chicago and needed a ride to the train station. To make a long story short, dd and I went over to help him pack and give him a ride, he was drunk, beligerent, crazy again. We left. I came back the next day, because I sooo wanted him to get on that train and leave our city for good. He accepted the ride but was still drinking and still acting crazy. He never got on that train, instead gambled away a lot of money and stayed in a motel and acted like a lunatic for a few days. After worrying myself sick over this, I finally hit what felt to me like MY "emotional bottom" on Sat. when he called me and said he needed a ride to the hospital and for me to get this key to his apt. that he needed to get back to the landlord (he has no car/license right now). I felt my codie tendencies to rescue flare up and then I finally stepped back and said NO MORE. I refused his calls, got a new cell phone #, and had my parents run interference for me on his calls to our home # for a few days. Well, on the third day of my NC, he left a message with my father saying he was checking himself into the Salvation Army and he wanted to speak with our daughter. My father obliged him. The next day, he called me at work, and I picked up. He told me he had reached his own bottom, wanted help, had spent Sat. in the hospital and that night at a homeless shelter, the shelter had given him info. about free treatment, and he felt Sal. Army was the best one because it's at least 6 months. So...I started talking to him about this, not obsessively, but I did answer his call later that evening. When he started to freak out about something minor (a prescription he didn't think he could get refilled before he checked in, I told him the problem was solveable and it was this kind of nerve-wracking conversation that I couldn't deal with and I was hanging up). Today, he called me again at work to tell me that the prescription problem was resolved, that the Sal. Army had space for him available on Thursday, and that his sister was coming down to where he's currently staying to give him his reading glasses and another prescription. He stated his nervousness about the whole process, and said "I hope you know I'm doing this for all of you guys" I said I thought he needed to do it for him. He said, "I am doing it for me, first and foremost. I need to do this. But I know it's good for you and my sisters and my daughter that I do this too." Then he asked me to bring dd to him tonight so he could see her before he goes in, suggesting that we eat dinner together and that I could take his computer and his cell phone, both of which aren't allowed for at least 90 days. I agreed.

OK, so not much of a dilemma yet, right? I did break my no contact rule, but even with my therapist, my parents, my sponser, my bf, I had ALWAYS said that although I would go No contact to protect myself from the pain of watching him downward spiral, and so as not to interfere with his bottom, that he was ever truly at the bottom and willing to accept help, that I would help him with this. Not do it for him, but help him with things like--well, like watching his computer for him and taking dd for him to see one last time for the next three months.

Here's the dilemma part. My patient, loving BF saw how much pain I was in and how much unhealthy engaging I had done with XAH in the week or so leading up to my "emotional bottom" on Sat., and basically told me that if I wasn't willing to go no contact and protect myself from XAH, that he didn't think we could be in a relationship because it was too painful for him. I told him I had hit my limit and that I was going No contact, and I did get a new cell phone line, although I just added it to my old one, figuring XAH could call dd on the old line, and I could ignore that one the rest of the time and just use my new one for everybody else, instead of just ignoring my only cell phone all the time if I didn't want to talk to XAH. So now, I don't know if he's going to be super-pissed at me or want to break up with me over this. Bear in mind, I have always told him what I said above, that I would be willing to help him get help. To this, my BF said, "Look, if he's in the gutter and wants to get help, I'll drive the damn car. But let him hit this bottom". Bottom line, I don't know if he's going to feel like I'm doing something wrong here. Honestly, I really don't think I am. True, I do think it would probably be better for me and for my new relationship to have continued to ignore even these most recent phone calls, but I don't know that I have it in me to do that in the current situation, and I'm not sure that would even be the RIGHT thing to do here. I do have compassion for XAH, and I do think making his transition into a long-term, free, hardcore rehab scenario a little smoother for him is something I am not only wiilling to do but want to do. And I think I have gotten better about surrending and detaching. If he goes AWOL tomorrow and never makes it to the Sal. Army and goes on another big drunk instead, I'll have no problem ignoring THOSE phone calls.

Thoughts?

JenT1968

just random thoughts here, I've never been in your situation.

1) you can't know it is his bottom until this event is wayyyyyy in the past.
2) will your daughter benefit from seeing her dad in this state or would it be better to spare her this one last contact for the next 3 months?
3) will making the process "easier" for him, make it more likely to stick, or is it protecting him from his consequences?
4) what is your real motivation? do you feel a need to be "part of the solution"?
5) your dilemma seems to be about which of 2 men to please/not please rather than doing the BEST thing for you and your daughter.
6) you have been sucked in recently, what does that tell you about your decisions wrt XAH?
7) this sounds a bit like your "one last drink before I quit"

but I haven't been where you are now so it is just random observations, you wil make the right choice for you.

((Mambo))

Bernadette

:codiepolice

Well, on the third day of my NC, he left a message with my father saying he was checking himself into the Salvation Army

Seems like he made a good choice without your help.

I do think making his transition into a long-term, free, hardcore rehab scenario a little smoother for him is something I am not only wiilling to do but want to do.

Has "making things smoother" ever done either of you any good in the past?


Your BF said "But let him hit this bottom" or maybe he won't hit his bottom. I would just stay out of the way either way!

Your BF told you how he feels - sounds a lot like what we say to our A's once we start getting healthy - "I love you but I won't sit in this front row and watch you hurt yourself over and over"....but you still have to decide what's best for mamboqueen....

peace--
b

Mambo Queen

Thanks for the replies. To answer a few of the questions posed--I don't think it will be bad for my daughter to have dinner with him tonight. He's sober and has been sober for a few days anyway and I'm sure (based on past history) he will be well-behaved and loving towards her tonight. I guess part of me wants him to know that he has people that care about him, and I guess I feel he does deserve some sort of "reward" or "encouragment", whatever you want to call it, for making this decision. And I do know that this may not be his real "bottom", but if he does go through with this and sticks it out, it WILL be the only time he has even attempted to receive real help for dealing with his addiction.

And I don't believe I have protected him from his consequences, because he could still easily go or not go tomorrow whether or not I come get his computer and let him see our daughter. I just think it is, I don't know, unnecessary? Bad form almost? to not let him have a pleasant evening with dd if he's going to take this big step tomorrow. It's like on that show Intervention, I've never seen them deny someone some minor request like that after they agree to go get the help. It's not like they say, "You'll go, but you want a few hours to spend with your kids before you get on the plane? Nope, forget it, get out of here." Bad analogy, maybe, but that's what it would feel like for me to say no to this request now.

GiveLove

My husband could not have handled me re-descending into rescuing my X. He did not sign up for that kind of drama, and could not have been as patient as your BF.

I hold my husband's feelings in high regard, and never forced him to deliver me that ultimatum. I would not have blamed him one bit for walking away from me.

Your X has dragged you back into his chaos, and you have willingly gone. I understand your feelings and your conflict, but I also hope you are able to extricate yourself as quickly as possible, before he costs you more than you have already lost to him.

Re-read your post, mambo, re-read your old ones too.

What would you tell a newcomer to this forum if she asked you for the same advice?

Freedom1990

I agree with all of the above.

My personal experience is that when I got into another relationship without fully resolving the issues from the prior one, I only add to the pain and confusion that is eventually going to surface.

My personal opinion is that you have never fully resolved your emotional issues with the ex. You have chosen to get involved in another relationship, and now there is another man with emotional attachment to you.

I would fully understand your current BF being ready to throw his hands up at the situation.

He didn't ask to have prior baggage brought into the relationship. That is exactly what I always did in my relationships...lugged along a huge suitcase or two of unresolved emotional crap from the last relationship or five that I had already been through.

As has often been said here on SR when the addict/alcoholic now claims they are ready for 'help'. Actions speak louder than words.

There was no one holding my hand, rushing to bring me things, or being supportive of me when I finally checked into rehab. I had used everyone up (including family members), and they were still incredibly hurt and angry with me (and rightfully so).

That was exactly what I needed to open up my eyes and begin to realize what a mess I had been. Thank God no one made the transition smooth or easy for me.

Inevitably you are going to do what you are going to do. In my opinion, I do think it's unfair to be in a current relationship when you are still emotionally entangled with the ex.

Are you attending any Alanon meetings?

Mambo Queen

At the risk of sounding defensive, which I suppose I am being, in a way, is it truly so terrible that I agreed to his request to see his daughter before he goes to a place where he can have no visits for 90 days? And that I agreed to hold onto his computer while he goes into a place where he has been told he can not bring it? Should he just dump it into the trash can? Or use losing the computer as an excuse not to go? I have not answered any calls of late from him that do not have to do with this. I have told him I think he's making a wise choice. I think I have made a lot of poor choices with regards to XAH since our divorce, but I am not sure this is one of them.

Freedom--I first posted this before reading your reply. I hear what you're saying, I truly do, and I respect it from coming from both sides of the coin as you have. I have attended a few Al-Anon meetings, I'm in therapy, and I'm active in AA. I really DO think I've done a half-way decent job of detaching from his problems of late (except for my last big slip-up with the train, etc.)and I guess that's why the harsh replies kind of surprised me, because I guess I didn't really view what I was doing here as a mistake. As another for instance--he was stuck out in his apt. in the country with no car and no license for two months. I never lifted one finger to help in any way, except, I did take my dd out there once when I knew he had been sober for a while so they could go bowling. I didn't view that as a mistake either.

Mambo Queen

I truly do apologize, and the last thing I wanted to do was insult people who take the time to reply. And I certainly did ask for thoughts. It's always kind of painful when you hear thoughts that you weren't wanting to hear, but that's something I need to work on too. I am trying to grow and do the right thing, just got a little sad thinking that I'd somehow managed to muck it up again when at least this time I thought I wasn't. Everyone's points were taken in by me, and I appreciate them.

JenT1968

((MQ)) I can't speak for anyone else (although I often try LOL), but I don't see anyone critisizing.

can I pick some points out of your replies

I'm not saying its a terrible thing to do: I'm asking why does it have to be you? why are you putting yourself back in this position when he has hurt you so terribly in the past and you know you have a tendency to give to this man until you bleed?

If he loses his computer, that is a consequence of his own making.
READ that last statement, really READ it.


again why do you have to give this reward and encouragement? and in reality, all he's done so far is TELL you that this is what he is going to do, which came about after you had gone non-contact?

, ahh guilt, obligations, how it looks to others,

sometimes the only real love is tough love.

I honestly don't think it will make a blind bit of difference to his sobriety whatever you do. But I think it will make a whole heap of difference to you and your life. Perhaps your bf will end your relationship, as he has stated. If you don't mind about that, fair enough that is absolutely your choice, and perhaps it is best in the long run for you not to be involved with anyone right now. But don't you deserve to make that decision knowingly rather than in order not to risk something being ?

((MQ))

naive

girlfriend. perhaps say goodbye to both and take a TIME OUT.

naive