KerBearz

I have been spending a lot of time lately trying to decide if I should stay in my marriage or if I should end it. Over the 21 years of marriage I have dreamed up a million excuses to stay married... for example:

when the kids were little, I could not imagine a scenario where he would have joint custody. It was kindof a "keep your enemies close" mentality. I didn't trust him to care properly (or at all) for our children. Now, my youngest is 17, so that excuse doesn't really work anymore.

A couple of years ago I became convinced that he was mentally ill. I had him tested (while in treatment) TWICE (because I didn't believe the results) and I was assured that he is not mentally ill.

Then, he was out of work so I couldn't cast him out penniless with nowhere to go.

Then, it was the holidays and I just needed to get through them.

Now, we are working on a never ending bathroom remodeling project (which is loads of fun with an AH)

This all sounds so lame to me now - I wonder why I'm resisting so much. I really do want peace and serenity, but unraveling our marriage/finances/property just seems so complicated to me! I keep praying for some clarity... I either can't hear or I am not listening.

husbandofacoa

So let me see if I understand this, your happiness is not as important as a partially finished bathroom project. Yeah. You think like I do.

GiveLove

And like I once did. Ouch, kerbearz, that's some painful self-examination

myawakening

Ker...I mean this in the kindest way possible...

My two cents? You're not listening and you still love him You are making every excuse in the world for his behavior and your inability to make a decision.

My AH cheated on me years ago. I never listened to what I should have been listening too back then...I wasn't looking at my red flags. If I had, I wouldn't be repeating the same mistakes again now. New bimbo...same AH...same pain for me. In my case...2nd times the charm...I am out of here! Goodbye 31 years of marriage.

You had these same issues clear back to when your 17 year old was a small child. Nothing has changed in at least 17 years. Why do you think it will change anytime soon? He is good with where he is. He goes on his way each day in his foggy haze and you are not living your life...in a way that makes you happy.

I, like you...bounced back and forth between wanting to leave and wanting to stay. I loved him with everything I had. I let him walk on me...and yet I continued to love him. I let him cheat on me...and yet continued to love him. I allowed him to disrespect me because I didn't respect myself!

You will have your "Ahh Ha" moment...when you are ready for change. You'll know when enough...is ENOUGH.

((((((hugsforyou)))))

PHIZ007

I am there too.......it is not an easy journey....but for today I will do the best I can whilst making my plans for the peaceful, wonderful Life ahead that I deserve.

SR keeps it real - and even in moments of turmoil there is always so much to listern to and learn here at the forum. It keeps me sane......and keeps me going....one foot in front of the other.

Thanks Goodness for my friends here at SR.......keep reading, keep listening, keep learning........and keep going....one step at a time.

I am slowly getting to the stage where I am sure leaving can't be worse than staying......it can only be better.....Phiz :0)

bookwyrm

Change IS scary! Untangling finances etc can be daunting, but you don't have to do it all at once! Start doing little things. Take one step at a time. You can still be married and living together but have separate finances. You could start to get things organised now for when the day comes that you can't find any more excuses to make.

ICant

Certainly fear for the future kept me stuck but I have obtained an insight into my dark secrets by doing step work. I am in no way saying this would be true for you but this is my share: Now that my husband is sober I am realising that when I was deep in my sickness, I needed him drunk. I liked the feeling that I was the one keeping the household together, the one the children came to, the 'sane one' in the marriage. I loved it when he did something stupid during a binge and when he was sober the next day, I was able to rip into him and get rid of all my anger. I was a functional co-dependent until his drinking progressed to daily binges and I couldn't cope with it all.

KerBearz

Thanks everyone for the input - I appreciate it. I believe that I am growing and changing, but it is so frustratingly slow!!

Icant - I can totally identify with your post and I lived that for a long, long time. When I first joined al-anon, I was so filled with RAGE. I was right! and self-righteous! I hated my AH, I hated my life and I felt very hopeless. During my time in al-anon, the anger and hate are pretty much gone, but in it's place is a complacency that I have not ever experienced before and I'm not sure it's better. Maybe exhaustion? or depression? But it just doesn't seem to matter (maybe it's acceptance?). Well, whatever it is - it has me kindof lulled into doing nothing and I don't think that's healthy either. I think I need some of the anger to fuel a change! I'm sure he'll do something to p*ss me off soon!

nodaybut2day

Eventually, it won't matter what he does or doesn't do. You'll just take a step without needing to base it on his actions. It will come.

isitme

oh how i've waited for this day!!!

KerBearz

I do hope the day will come when I KNOW what needs to be done - I pray for that to happen. In another thread someone mentioned being a yo-yo back and forth and one day the string snapped! That struck a chord with me... thanks for the input everyone.