Language of Letting Go - Jan. 19 - Owning Our Power
Nature Girl
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Join Date: Mar 2002
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Language of Letting Go - Jan. 19 - Owning Our Power
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Owning Our Power
There is one feeling we need to pay particular attention to in recovery: feeling victimized. We do not need to become comfortable with that feeling.
How do we feel when we've been victimized? Helpless. Rageful. Powerless. Frustrated.
Feeling victimized is dangerous. Often, it can prompt us into addictive or other compulsive behaviors.
In recovery, we're learning to identify when we're feeling victimized, when we are actually being victimized, and why we're feeling victimized. We're learning to own our power, to take care of ourselves, and to remove ourselves as victims.
Sometimes, owning our power means we realize we are victimizing ourselves - and others are not doing anything to hurt us. They are living their lives, as they have a right to, and we are feeling victimized because we're attempting to control their process or we're unreasonably expecting them to take care of us. We may feel victimized if we get stuck in a codependent belief such as: Other people make me feel.... Others hold the key to my happiness and destiny.... Or, I can't be happy unless another behaves in a particular way, or a certain event takes place...
Other times, owning our power means we realize that we are being victimized by another's behavior. Our boundaries are being invaded. In that case, we figure out what we need to do to take care of ourselves to stop the victimization; we need to set boundaries.
Sometimes, a change of attitude is all that's required. We are not victims.
We strive to have compassion for the person who victimized us but understand that compassion often comes later, after we've removed ourselves as victims in body, mind, and spirit. We also understand that too much compassion can put us right back into the victim slot. Too much pity for a person who is victimizing us may set up a situation where the person can victimize us again.
We try not to force consequences or crises upon another person, but we also do not rescue that person from logical consequences of his or her behavior. If there is a part that is our responsibility to play in delivering those consequences, we do our part - not to control or punish, but to be responsible for ourselves and to others.
We try to figure out what we may be doing that is causing us to feel victimized, or what part we are playing in the system, and we stop doing that too. We are powerless over others and their behavior, but we can own our power to remove ourselves as victims.
Today, I will take responsibility for myself and show it to others by not allowing myself to be victimized, I cannot control outcomes, but I can control my attitude toward being victimized. I am not a victim; I do not deserve to be victimized.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
Owning Our Power
There is one feeling we need to pay particular attention to in recovery: feeling victimized. We do not need to become comfortable with that feeling.
How do we feel when we've been victimized? Helpless. Rageful. Powerless. Frustrated.
Feeling victimized is dangerous. Often, it can prompt us into addictive or other compulsive behaviors.
In recovery, we're learning to identify when we're feeling victimized, when we are actually being victimized, and why we're feeling victimized. We're learning to own our power, to take care of ourselves, and to remove ourselves as victims.
Sometimes, owning our power means we realize we are victimizing ourselves - and others are not doing anything to hurt us. They are living their lives, as they have a right to, and we are feeling victimized because we're attempting to control their process or we're unreasonably expecting them to take care of us. We may feel victimized if we get stuck in a codependent belief such as: Other people make me feel.... Others hold the key to my happiness and destiny.... Or, I can't be happy unless another behaves in a particular way, or a certain event takes place...
Other times, owning our power means we realize that we are being victimized by another's behavior. Our boundaries are being invaded. In that case, we figure out what we need to do to take care of ourselves to stop the victimization; we need to set boundaries.
Sometimes, a change of attitude is all that's required. We are not victims.
We strive to have compassion for the person who victimized us but understand that compassion often comes later, after we've removed ourselves as victims in body, mind, and spirit. We also understand that too much compassion can put us right back into the victim slot. Too much pity for a person who is victimizing us may set up a situation where the person can victimize us again.
We try not to force consequences or crises upon another person, but we also do not rescue that person from logical consequences of his or her behavior. If there is a part that is our responsibility to play in delivering those consequences, we do our part - not to control or punish, but to be responsible for ourselves and to others.
We try to figure out what we may be doing that is causing us to feel victimized, or what part we are playing in the system, and we stop doing that too. We are powerless over others and their behavior, but we can own our power to remove ourselves as victims.
Today, I will take responsibility for myself and show it to others by not allowing myself to be victimized, I cannot control outcomes, but I can control my attitude toward being victimized. I am not a victim; I do not deserve to be victimized.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
Nature Girl
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Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I was finally able to move from being a Victim to being a Survivor when I was able to move away from the problem (his addiction) and focus on the solution (MY recovery).
I cannot live in the problem and the solution at the same time, so I had to choose and it took a long time but I finally chose to live in the Solution. My life became worth living shortly after I made that decision.
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I cannot live in the problem and the solution at the same time, so I had to choose and it took a long time but I finally chose to live in the Solution. My life became worth living shortly after I made that decision.
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If there is a part that is our responsibility to play in delivering those consequences, we do our part - not to control or punish, but to be responsible for ourselves and to others.
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Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 126
I'm having a hard time with acting like a victim and after reading this I'm thinking that probably is the biggest reason my RAH is telling me he is leaving me. I've been trying to act as if I wasn't a victim because I'm a very strong woman, but it hits me like a ton of bricks sometimes. Especially when he is acting so self-righteous. I'm going to print this out so that I can read it everyday to remind myself what I need to do.
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Originally Posted by Ann 
We strive to have compassion for the person who victimized us but understand that compassion often comes later, after we've removed ourselves as victims in body, mind, and spirit. We also understand that too much compassion can put us right back into the victim slot. Too much pity for a person who is victimizing us may set up a situation where the person can victimize us again.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Portland, OR
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That's a fantastic post. Thanks so much, Ann! I recently had a convo with my ex that was unpleasant, and it made me really sad. He'd said a lot of mean things, in a drunken stupor, I kind of walked into half of it by even persisting with the convo. I've had some time to figure out why I was doing those things, and I think it's because I expected him to provide me comfort, and care. Yeah, he's my ex, but I figured we were close. We maintained a ..well. What I thought was a friendship.
In looking at this, I've been wanting him to step up to the plate, so to speak. I've been expecting him to provide me something he simply cannot because of his addiction. I'm angry because he can't. I hadn't really accepted the situation for what it is. The fact is, he's an addict. And while the man I love is still in there somewhere - the sweet guy he is, buried at his core - it's not who he is now. He's choosing to drink, and because he chooses to drink, it means he's choosing to allow the behavior that comes with it, which is often times gross.
Sometimes he's nice, and we have fun conversations. We reminisce about the past, laugh our butts off, have sorta superficial conversations that are fun, like old times. Other times, he'll nitpick. He'll be rude. Mean. I called him up the other night just to talk. I know he'll be drunk, that never changes. I just wanted to get my mind off what could possibly be wrong with my sister. He asked me why I was calling him and said, "Don't you have friends that are closer to you other than some guy 3,000 miles away?" I was at a loss for words. But the truth is, what did I really expect from him? Y'know? He's drunk. He's an addict. He's selfish. The only way out of that, is for him to quit drinking. And that isn't my call to make. This has got me to do a lot of thinking.
In looking at this, I've been wanting him to step up to the plate, so to speak. I've been expecting him to provide me something he simply cannot because of his addiction. I'm angry because he can't. I hadn't really accepted the situation for what it is. The fact is, he's an addict. And while the man I love is still in there somewhere - the sweet guy he is, buried at his core - it's not who he is now. He's choosing to drink, and because he chooses to drink, it means he's choosing to allow the behavior that comes with it, which is often times gross.
Sometimes he's nice, and we have fun conversations. We reminisce about the past, laugh our butts off, have sorta superficial conversations that are fun, like old times. Other times, he'll nitpick. He'll be rude. Mean. I called him up the other night just to talk. I know he'll be drunk, that never changes. I just wanted to get my mind off what could possibly be wrong with my sister. He asked me why I was calling him and said, "Don't you have friends that are closer to you other than some guy 3,000 miles away?" I was at a loss for words. But the truth is, what did I really expect from him? Y'know? He's drunk. He's an addict. He's selfish. The only way out of that, is for him to quit drinking. And that isn't my call to make. This has got me to do a lot of thinking.
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