Elsie

I think I figured out what my problem with this relationship is!

Over the past 3 years of knowing ABF I've been very fortunate to have grown and grown up in many ways.
I am NOT the same person I was when I met him. Back then, I was eager to please, in denial, weak etc. Every stupid thing he did and every mean thing he did upset me, but because I was the way I was.....I didn't do anything about it. When he broke up with me time after time, I'd cry, and be exhilarated when he wanted to be with me again. Even when red flags came up, I'd climb that pole and rip the flag down.

A LOT of stuff has occured in the past 3 years. When we broke up for good and when I moved out in May of last year, I was SURE I was done. When he came around again in July and said he had stopped drinking and being an @ss...I believed him and we started seeing each other again. From that point until January of this year things had been on the decline.

I had planned in my mind the break things off with him after Christmas. (for my kids' sake, not his)
But, on New Years Eve he up and decided to quit drinking, and quit being an @ss! I was shocked, but happy for him to begin that journey(again).
I deicded to wait and see where this goes, with the intent to leave immediately should anything else come up.

I couldn't put my finger on it, but in the back of my mind, I kept hoping he'd screw up and turn into a total a-hole. I kept wanting him to mess up so that I could leave him and have an excuse rather than ditch someone who loves me and was trying to make it work and was trying to better himself too.
I was confused, and wondering why I wanted this to occur.

I figured it out.
My greatest period of personal growth was between July 09 until now.
I keep having "flashbacks" of the things he has said and done over the entire 3 years, things that I have not been able to move past obviously, as they still hurt me. So, I think what's happening is....everytime I have one of these memories...my new found strong personality says to me "WTF were you THINKING? WHY did you stay with him! Look what he did to you! Look how he made you feel!"
I have become very aware of the person he was and possibly still is. I think to myself that I cannot blame him here. He is who he is, and I've accepted that this whole time. So, if he treated me like crap and I accepted that, of course he's going to keep doing it! I have no one to blame but me.
I was the weak one, I stayed despite abusive treatment so this is my fault.

So....now that I've figured this out I have a problem. I see this man who stands infront of me, loves me, has quit drinking and who has been a relatively agreeable and pleasant person since January 01/10.....but I feel VERY upset over our past that I now see with different eyes.

I feel like since the past was based on my acceptance, and since he's making positive changes and since I do love him still...that I need to give this a fair shake until something else creeps up. I have to keep moving forward and not prosecute him for the past.
But......how do I let go of the past? I will never forget, but how do I forgive? Do we need to talk about it all, get it out on the table and discuss it? How does someone forgive? How do I forgive myself? How can I move past this?

And a biggie...is it possible that there's just so much that I'll never be able to get over it? Because really, when I think back....the BS started about 2-3 months into knowing him, gradually got worse, then I moved out, got back with him and it gradually got worse again....hmmm...seeing a pattern here, anyway...

Bah, lost my train of thought...my little one is watching something that's driving me crazy, haha!