peaceforme

well ...update my Ah gets home tomarrow from 3 1/2 days of detox . he says he will start to go to AA...take campral that was prescribed ....he just says he wants to be sure he has my support ..(.which means that i will be home when he gets here )... Lately I have been leaving and coming back .. when he would drink i would leave and then return in a few days . ....he finally went to detox because i told him I had just had enough and I needed to do something ..had to make some decisions . so he went to detox ...I agreed with him more out of sake of an argument ..but i dont want to be here when he returns . I feel that it would be better if i said to him no I will not be here ..you said you would go to meetings and take your recoevry serious . so you need to do that first for a brief time before I return home ? what do you feel is better .. from his perspective he would feel that i was not there to support him?? even though I have been there countless times and he has not even tried ...most of the time he has not tried beyond 20 minuts of being picked up from a rehab ..I dont believe him and feel he should prove it first ..what do you think ? even if I did believe him this time ..I still feel he should prove it first and focus on himself to get well ..not smacked back into the familyroles and the other issues we have .. for me I feel it is better not to chance it ..for him i feel its better for him to do this on his own ..what do you think ?

barb dwyer

hi again peace -
you know what I think.

Did you get those links I PM'd you?

suki44883

i dont want to be here when he returns

If you don't want to be there, then don't be there.

I feel that it would be better if i said to him no I will not be here ..you said you would go to meetings and take your recoevry serious so you need to do that first for a brief time before I return home ? what do you feel is better .

What do you mean by a "brief time?" A few weeks? A few months? If it were me, I'd demand that he be sober and actively working a program for at least a year before I would even consider a reconciliation. You have been through rehab with him SIX times. What makes you think this time will be any different?

Take that time to work on you and what kind of life YOU really want.

peaceforme

yes I did get the list and thank you soo much for that ..... i know . i know what the answer is .I just have a sick stomach thinking of this ...I dont want to set him back by not being here ...but i dont feel its good for me ....or him .....just has went on so long and he always does the same things ... he said to me tonight ... just be supportive and be there and i wil do what i say and if i dont then we are just back to square one again ..square one just isnt good enough anymore ...square one to me means let me suck you in with all the bs and then make excuses ...

ReadyToHelp

Hi Peace!

First of all, consider yourself hugged. This is a trying time for you - you have some decisions to make.

You might not want to hear this, but I'm sure I won't be the only one who writes it:

What do you want to do? What is best for you?

You mentioned that you don't want to be there. Is that because you think it'll work best for you - to let him do his own thing, go to meetings, get himself situated - and you won't be around to hover over him, or be worried about his every move? So you can protect your peace of mind?

The reason I ask is this - no matter what YOU do, he's going to do what he wants. And that's drink, not drink, go to AA, not go to AA. No matter what YOU do, he's going to do whatever. What if you are there, and he drinks? Then you'll say "I shoulda not been there." What if you aren't there and he drinks? You'll say "I shoulda been there". What if he won't drink no matter what you do, no matter what the weather outside is, no matter what the stocks look like? That is a true recovering A.

You need to take care of yourself. And your being strong and doing what's right for you may very well give him (or someone else) some strength to be the best he can be.

My Xabf's sponsor helped me tremendously get through the 2 years w/my X, and the aftermath. His recovery and being a better person did not get his wife of 30 years back, but it helped me, another person, come from a dark place to a well-lit one. I am thankful that he did all the hard work, because without him, I'd have taken longer to get where I am now!

Good Luck and take care of yourself.

~R.

suki44883

Peace...you are head and shoulders ahead of many women in your position. You already have a place to go! You staying with him is NOT going to set him back if he is serious about living a sober life. He needs to prove something to you. Please, take this opportunity to get some distance and let him take care of himself while you work on you. You deserve this!

ReadyToHelp

Please understand one important thing -

YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS ACTIONS.

If that's the case, who's to say only A's get to transfer the blame to someone else? I'd like to blame someone for my financial mistakes and my failure at selling insurance - and I'd like reimbursement, while we're at it! And I need to blame someone for the extra 25 lbs I'm toting around and let him/her do all the dieting and cardio it takes to take it off. ;-)

Seriously, Peace, please stop feeling sick. Breathe. Slow down your thoughts. He's made up his mind already about drinking. Your next move will not cause it. He has already indicated that he's going to hold you responsible for his recovery! Don't fall for it.

I wanted to write my Xabf a "goodbye don't write me anymore" letter, but was afraid he'd binge. Then I thought, that's his choice, what do I need?? He binged when I went away for 2 days when a close family member had major surgery. 2 DAYS???? Surgery!!???? It's not like I went on vacation! Was it my fault he binged? Was it my sick family member's fault? He chose his reaction to my going away. Just like your AH will chose his reaction/response to your being there or not being there. He's a grown man.

Good luck and STAY STRONG. We only get one life here.

I'll say a prayer for you. :ghug3

~R.

barb dwyer

ok.
now.
stop right there.

THIS is the point, hon.

He lost
gave away
threw away
FORFEITED
*any* right to be pitied by you the first time he hurt you.

The appropriate state of mind in this is what I'm trying to show you, hon.
I'm not judgin, or trying to hurt you.
ok?

Your first middle and last concern right now is your safety.

Everything - every. thing.

comes AFTER that.

peaceforme

thanks for the responses .. yes it is for me ..he is totally dependant on me . he has no drivers license two duis of the past ( although his father will take him to AA meetings and the store if i am not here ) ..no job so will argue and fight if needed for my money if he wants a drink and I say no to money or no to drink ..if he ask its better to just give the money or go get the alcohol rather then argue and things get out of hand . so i get it . so i dont trust my own ability to say no and mean it because of the consequences .. and also yes he is totally dependant on me ..and I have too many responsibilities to help him with this ... he will expect me to make the phone calls to aa ..doctors ....whoever you name it ... i need peace immediately and time for myself and the two kids ..so yes its for me ..but then also for him too as this is the exact behavior that i feel is making him worse not better .

barb dwyer

sweetie - I *WAS* you.

I know.
And I know how much of what I thought.... was wrong.

But while the poop (and me) was hitting the fan...
I couldn't see it.

Your word for the day: DISTANCE.

With distance -
you're going to be able to relax
and you can observe the situation
without cringing.
Without fear.
Without guilt.


There's hope!
You're not alone,
we're here.

GiveLove

You can be supportive from a safe distance.

Please, please know this: "I need you to be there for me" is one of the oldest lines in the alcoholic book.

Do you see how it puts all the responsibility back on you? The threat of "if you're not, it's your fault whatever happens."

According to him, it's your fault if you're there. It's also your fault if you're not there. You can't win that game, peace, and you can't help him by being closer. You can only make things worse for both of you.

You CAN help yourself and your kids.
And you can be loving and kind and supportive....from a safe distance, and with a safe place to go.
And you can keep your money to give to your children and do things for YOU.
And you can stop walking on eggshells around him, doing what he wants so he won't make a fuss.
And you can have blessed, blessed peace, knowing that you are living for YOU, and not for a grown-up baby.
And you can have your life back.

If he can remain completely in a program of recovery for six months or a year, then you can consider whether he's really turned over a new leaf.

Right now? He's giving you a line so you'll keep driving him around, buying him alcohol, and doing whatever King Baby wants you to do.

It's the oldest trick in the Book of Bullies.

Please take care of yourself. You are worth it. YOUR happiness matters more than his right now......he has made his bed, and is lying in it.

You can be happy from a safe distance.

ReadyToHelp

Love the post. Listen to her, Peace.


He's "dependent" on you to make you feel like you're responsible. Now you're considering all this. What if you removed that thought - that he's dependent on you? Who would you be? What could you do then?

Remove that thought that is actually not 1000% true, and who would you be? Really?

Ok, time for bed for me. Good night and good luck.

Bless you.

R.

suki44883

You are not his mother! He is a grown man. It's way past time he should have been taking care of himself. What if you got hit by a bus tomorrow? How would he cope? You are not doing him any favors by doing everything for him. He can make his own calls! Sorry...I don't mean to sound harsh, but he NEEDS to learn how to take care of himself.

peaceforme

suki I agree and also the above post what you said thank you about me not accepting his dependance on me . thats been the key to all of this and my greatest button is that obligation like I have no choice but to help him .....when I know thats what is making this worse and him sicker ...but yes what you said suki i asked him that last week what would you do if i died today ....the reason i asked him is i wanted to know ...because I always feel like he is taking advantage ..just drinking and doing what he wants because he can ...if i was not here to foot the bill and make like cushy for him what would he do ..so i asked him that ..and he didnt answer . he sorta smiled and I know what he meant ..he knew answering that meant i know whats going on .... and finaly he became angry and said what do you want me to say i would get a job and quit drinking and have to take care of myself ..and then he became very angry by the entire question ..but the truth is yes i am not doing him any favors and thats why i want to have distance and space ....I do fear him also when things dont go his way . he is a kind person as long as he gets what he wants but when he doesnt he is an a** ... so yes i believe i have to do this from a distance and I truly appreciate all of you!!!!

suki44883

Hon...what reason does he have to change? You are there, you are picking up after him, giving him a nice home and comfortable bed to sleep in at night. Cooking his meals and making his calls and taking him wherever he wants to go. Why in the world would he change? It's too easy not to! You have children that need you. That is true need. He doesn't need you, he is using you. Please, focus on you and your kids and get them out of that environment and into a place where they don't have to deal with that nonsense.

Impurrfect

(((Peace))) I'm an RA and there is NOTHING that anyone can say or do that will make me use again unless I've already planned on doing it. If he drinks again, he's already made up his mind to do it...he'll just blame you for it because that's what he does.

I truly hope you keep your own place, take care of you and your kids, and let him deal with his own consequences. It's what my family loved ME enough to do to me, and a huge reason why I'm coming up on 3 years clean. Being homeless, broke and ending up in jail didn't kille me...it proved to me that the lifestyle I was in, just wasn't worth it any more.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

AlwaysGrowing

peaseforme

You are not his caretaker!

That being said from my experience a person just getting out of detox will be craving and 'jonesing' for xxxx. They are just past the danger health period. The journey IF this is it is just starting. Long road ahead for him.

Not painting a pretty picture as it will be a long road for him and he will take a hostage down that road..

So do you want to be apart of that?
AG

Bernadette

.I dont want to set him back by not being here

You're just not that powerful.

i need peace immediately and time for myself and the two kids .

But you are THAT powerful!!
You do have the power to create peace and serenity in your life and in your children's environment. Go for it!

peace- b

RollTide

"and finaly he became angry and said what do you want me to say i would get a job and quit drinking and have to take care of myself .."

BINGO!

peaceforme

Bingo is right!!! ..... I spoke to him today . doesnt know if he is coming home today or tomarrow ... ask me if I would be there .I said I wanted to be honest with him and no i would not .that i would like to see if he is serious about going to the meetings ... he said " i wanted you to take me to meetings ... f it i will leave here and go to a bar"..i said " why would you do that to your body after days of detox ...... I am just saying i want to be sure you will do what you say"

... so now i am leaving ....... he isnt serious and now making me feel guilt on top of it all ..... geez ..... the pain of this all .