The insanity of it all
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 62
The insanity of it all
Today as I was sitting in my favorite lunch time Al Anon meeting listening to a fairly new member talk about the craziness going on in her life, I caught myself thinking “now that’s just insane”. And then it hit me that I had come to discover and really understand the true meaning of insanity.
I spent twelve years of my life in the most unhealthy environment I’ve ever know. I allowed another human being to disrespect me as a wife and a person. I allowed the lies, the stealing, and the manipulation. I allowed the repeated loss of jobs. I was publically and privately humiliated. I was financially destroyed. I was the alcohol police. I was the bread winner. I was the cook. I was the maid. I was the parent. I was the EVERYTHING. And I spent every waking second of my life trying to cover it up so nobody would know what goes on behind closed doors.
I am a successful person in my career. I’m generally well thought of and often ask to speak or chair. And yet my entire life was unraveling right before my very eyes and I was terrified that somebody was going to find out. So I became the lunatic one on a personal mission to fix my alcoholic spouse. I am a mover and a shaker. I get things done. I can make things happen. And by God I was going to straighten this alcoholic mess out too!
And then the unthinkable happened. He went to jail on a DUI and the secret was out. Or so I thought. Of course unbeknownst to me at the time, all my friends that I never saw anymore already knew he was a drunk. His family knew he was a drunk. My family knew he was a drunk. Our children knew he was a drunk. The neighbors knew he was a drunk. They had all pitied me and worried about me for years. It seemed the only person I had been successful at keeping my big deep dark secret from was ME!
And even through all of that I still had not figured it out. Yes I had figured out that I must leave. I figured out that I must do what people had been telling me all along and let him fall. I understood that I must let him hit bottom. I got that part. I understood that I just could no longer be involved with someone like him. It was so beneath me. I was so angry and embarrassed and caught up in my fear of what others thought that emotion propelled me right through the initial separation and then divorce. I dropped him off at rehab for the THIRD time and said good riddance! The end! See you later! On with the rest of my life!
Then I went home and crumbled into a ball. I laid in the floor in a fetal position and cried until I was physically sick. I wept like I have never known. It was over. I knew he was going to die. I had left him. His life would cease to exist. He had no place to live, no food, no job, no money, and no car. He was 200 miles away. He would NEVER be able to function without me. Just another homeless drunk who would die on the street.
Awwwww…….yes…...insanity. How incredibly shallow I had become. How all powerful I had become. How extremely arrogant I had become to think that I held another’s life in my hands.
INSANITY WAS ME!
What became of him? He got sober. He is in recovery. He is in AA seven days a week. He is working a good job. He is not going hungry and not living on the street. He is alive and well and having an amazing spiritual awakening with his higher power. And if it is in God’s plan then we will someday reunite in marriage. This time I will have a sober husband as a life partner. And he will get to have a finally sane and very humbled wife.
Thank you for letting me share.
I spent twelve years of my life in the most unhealthy environment I’ve ever know. I allowed another human being to disrespect me as a wife and a person. I allowed the lies, the stealing, and the manipulation. I allowed the repeated loss of jobs. I was publically and privately humiliated. I was financially destroyed. I was the alcohol police. I was the bread winner. I was the cook. I was the maid. I was the parent. I was the EVERYTHING. And I spent every waking second of my life trying to cover it up so nobody would know what goes on behind closed doors.
I am a successful person in my career. I’m generally well thought of and often ask to speak or chair. And yet my entire life was unraveling right before my very eyes and I was terrified that somebody was going to find out. So I became the lunatic one on a personal mission to fix my alcoholic spouse. I am a mover and a shaker. I get things done. I can make things happen. And by God I was going to straighten this alcoholic mess out too!
And then the unthinkable happened. He went to jail on a DUI and the secret was out. Or so I thought. Of course unbeknownst to me at the time, all my friends that I never saw anymore already knew he was a drunk. His family knew he was a drunk. My family knew he was a drunk. Our children knew he was a drunk. The neighbors knew he was a drunk. They had all pitied me and worried about me for years. It seemed the only person I had been successful at keeping my big deep dark secret from was ME!
And even through all of that I still had not figured it out. Yes I had figured out that I must leave. I figured out that I must do what people had been telling me all along and let him fall. I understood that I must let him hit bottom. I got that part. I understood that I just could no longer be involved with someone like him. It was so beneath me. I was so angry and embarrassed and caught up in my fear of what others thought that emotion propelled me right through the initial separation and then divorce. I dropped him off at rehab for the THIRD time and said good riddance! The end! See you later! On with the rest of my life!
Then I went home and crumbled into a ball. I laid in the floor in a fetal position and cried until I was physically sick. I wept like I have never known. It was over. I knew he was going to die. I had left him. His life would cease to exist. He had no place to live, no food, no job, no money, and no car. He was 200 miles away. He would NEVER be able to function without me. Just another homeless drunk who would die on the street.
Awwwww…….yes…...insanity. How incredibly shallow I had become. How all powerful I had become. How extremely arrogant I had become to think that I held another’s life in my hands.
INSANITY WAS ME!
What became of him? He got sober. He is in recovery. He is in AA seven days a week. He is working a good job. He is not going hungry and not living on the street. He is alive and well and having an amazing spiritual awakening with his higher power. And if it is in God’s plan then we will someday reunite in marriage. This time I will have a sober husband as a life partner. And he will get to have a finally sane and very humbled wife.
Thank you for letting me share.
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