Reconciling "One Day At A Time" with planning for the future
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 11
Reconciling "One Day At A Time" with planning for the future
After years of binge drinking my husband has admitted he is an alcoholic and joined AA. It is just the beginning,but I have faith that he can succeed. We are both (separately & together) trying to find a path forward to a healthier and happier marriage. While I understand the importance of taking it "one day at a time", I am struggling with reconciling that with planning for the future...in our case, starting our family. Any advice on this? I have gone to a couple of al anon meetings, but have not quite found a fit for me. I will keep trying, but am also trying to find other communites and support systems.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the Sober Recovery Family Ellie!
This forum is filled with wisdom and support for you. I recommend reading through the permanent (sticky) posts at the top of this forum and posting your concerns.
By starting a family, are you referring to bringing children into your relationship?
I can't make a recommendation, but I can tell you my personal experience. I am a recovering alcoholic as well as a recovering (ex)spouse of an alcoholic. As a recovering alcoholic, I know that I needed time to learn new coping skills to handle everyday stresses and situations. My former method of drowning my stresses and concerns was not getting rid of them, just compounding them. Learning new coping skills takes time and practice. Each individual is different.
Sobriety for me, didn't mean instant responsibility. I was still in denial about certain issues. I was still able to lie and manipulate as needed just to avoid taking responsibility.
Taking it One Day At A Time is all I can do.
Please make yourself at home here by posting and reading as needed. We're glad you're here!
This forum is filled with wisdom and support for you. I recommend reading through the permanent (sticky) posts at the top of this forum and posting your concerns.
By starting a family, are you referring to bringing children into your relationship?
I can't make a recommendation, but I can tell you my personal experience. I am a recovering alcoholic as well as a recovering (ex)spouse of an alcoholic. As a recovering alcoholic, I know that I needed time to learn new coping skills to handle everyday stresses and situations. My former method of drowning my stresses and concerns was not getting rid of them, just compounding them. Learning new coping skills takes time and practice. Each individual is different.
Sobriety for me, didn't mean instant responsibility. I was still in denial about certain issues. I was still able to lie and manipulate as needed just to avoid taking responsibility.
Taking it One Day At A Time is all I can do.
Please make yourself at home here by posting and reading as needed. We're glad you're here!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 11
Thank you Pelican. I just found this site today and have been exploring. I am really interested in spending some time with the self-study 12 steps...I am hoping this can help me connect with Al Anon a little better.
I appreciate your experience of "Sobriety for me, didn't mean instant responsibility." Sometimes it is easier to believe that once the drinking stops everything will be just fine. This has been a confusing journey for me because I did not grow up, nor have I been in any other relationships with alcoholics or other addicts. I fell in love before I really understood there was a problem. There is a lot to learn here- I am so glad I found SR.
I appreciate your experience of "Sobriety for me, didn't mean instant responsibility." Sometimes it is easier to believe that once the drinking stops everything will be just fine. This has been a confusing journey for me because I did not grow up, nor have I been in any other relationships with alcoholics or other addicts. I fell in love before I really understood there was a problem. There is a lot to learn here- I am so glad I found SR.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 225
I sense that for you this has two aspects I feel you will need to bear in mind ...
For me, the difference between 'keeping it in the day' and looking ahead healthily is whether one attaches any value to a particular outcome (as opposed to alternative outcomes) or not.
If one plans one's income and expenditure to the best of one's ability for example that is a healthy way of looking ahead.
A greater power knows the best timing for you as a couple to accept children because you both need to be more ready.
Therefore every little step either of you takes is a small step on the way to being ready as a couple for this. Do not lose heart because the journey is going forwards not backwards. You both have many little issues to look at as you go and that will gradually ready you both more and more. Don't jump the gun and expect instant preparation.
I'm not married but I am basing this on what my married friends tell me - including non alcoholic ones.
Despite any techno wizardry one may hear about, accepting children is still very much a matter of the working of "Providence" so don't be downhearted when the time comes to be more ready, if children don't arrive, the main thing in life is I think to do those little bits of work on oneself to become ready in case "Providence" sends us some children.
That's what I understand of various aspects of it from my various friends and there is also my experience of relatively early recovery in my own alcoholism.
D o n ' t f e e l r u s h e d - b e c a u s e y o u ' v e g o t y o u r l i v e s a h e a d o f y o u . . . ! ! !
Relish and appreciate the process of accepting each other a tiny bit better, as you go ...
Give each other time to both discern something ...
When discussing it don't make it sound as if a lot of complicated stuff is at stake, because it's all down to Providence anyway.
And those bits of work are little (small) in size at any one time I think.
For me, the difference between 'keeping it in the day' and looking ahead healthily is whether one attaches any value to a particular outcome (as opposed to alternative outcomes) or not.
If one plans one's income and expenditure to the best of one's ability for example that is a healthy way of looking ahead.
A greater power knows the best timing for you as a couple to accept children because you both need to be more ready.
Therefore every little step either of you takes is a small step on the way to being ready as a couple for this. Do not lose heart because the journey is going forwards not backwards. You both have many little issues to look at as you go and that will gradually ready you both more and more. Don't jump the gun and expect instant preparation.
I'm not married but I am basing this on what my married friends tell me - including non alcoholic ones.
Despite any techno wizardry one may hear about, accepting children is still very much a matter of the working of "Providence" so don't be downhearted when the time comes to be more ready, if children don't arrive, the main thing in life is I think to do those little bits of work on oneself to become ready in case "Providence" sends us some children.
That's what I understand of various aspects of it from my various friends and there is also my experience of relatively early recovery in my own alcoholism.
D o n ' t f e e l r u s h e d - b e c a u s e y o u ' v e g o t y o u r l i v e s a h e a d o f y o u . . . ! ! !
Relish and appreciate the process of accepting each other a tiny bit better, as you go ...
Give each other time to both discern something ...
When discussing it don't make it sound as if a lot of complicated stuff is at stake, because it's all down to Providence anyway.
And those bits of work are little (small) in size at any one time I think.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 225
I should have also said -- with time your Al-Anon acquaintances will be able to share with you things that are relevant to this so I hope you will persevere in cultivating contact with them ... family member of alcoholics whom I know speak highly of that milieu, for the benefits they gain in that way.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Australia
Posts: 167
I had a similar problem reconciling the two. In the end it came down to what consequence could I live with? I will give you a concrete example: When he was still in active addiction and I was aware he was an alcoholic but still hopeful that I could find a way within myself to live with it 'til death do us part', we as a couple had decided we would have one more child (we have two).
The disease progressed further, I couldn't do it anymore and was just starting to divorce him. He found recovery and we stayed together. When he was in early recovery, I understood that if I had another child, I was taking the risk that should he relapse, I would be a single parent to three children. I know I could have handled it because by the time I came to my senses, had I had 10 children, I still would have divorced him, had he kept drinking. NO ONE could have lived with his crap towards the end. But I made the decision that this was something within my control, and I let him know that I no longer wanted to have a third child. It was hard on him but he accepted it as a consequence of the previous years of hell. I didn't do this to punish him but when I reflected about it, the desire was part of a fantasy marriage/life I had constructed to keep me sane in that marriage.
Another example was we wanted to buy a block of land during his early sobriety. I agreed to that because the worst case scenario of him relapsing was we would have to sell it. I didn't think that was a big deal. Sure we would lose money but we wouldn't lose the entire amount. My serenity is priceless. I do not stress about the financial consequences of a divorce and it isn't because I am so financially secure. It is just that I have lived without material things and it was better than living in a nice house with an addict.
So in summary, can you live with the consequences of the decisions you make.
The disease progressed further, I couldn't do it anymore and was just starting to divorce him. He found recovery and we stayed together. When he was in early recovery, I understood that if I had another child, I was taking the risk that should he relapse, I would be a single parent to three children. I know I could have handled it because by the time I came to my senses, had I had 10 children, I still would have divorced him, had he kept drinking. NO ONE could have lived with his crap towards the end. But I made the decision that this was something within my control, and I let him know that I no longer wanted to have a third child. It was hard on him but he accepted it as a consequence of the previous years of hell. I didn't do this to punish him but when I reflected about it, the desire was part of a fantasy marriage/life I had constructed to keep me sane in that marriage.
Another example was we wanted to buy a block of land during his early sobriety. I agreed to that because the worst case scenario of him relapsing was we would have to sell it. I didn't think that was a big deal. Sure we would lose money but we wouldn't lose the entire amount. My serenity is priceless. I do not stress about the financial consequences of a divorce and it isn't because I am so financially secure. It is just that I have lived without material things and it was better than living in a nice house with an addict.
So in summary, can you live with the consequences of the decisions you make.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 357
I totally share your inability to reconcile the 2 concepts but my BF and I are behind you on the recovery road i’m afraid. I really want to get married and have a family with him, but I wouldn’t put myself or any future kids into an unstable environment (yes, i’m in one now, but am not married). It is heartbreaking when you have little fantasies in your head about what it would be like if he was not an A, and we would be a happy little family. He is not one for planning anything whereas i am the opposite and like to plan a lot. I want to plan a rough timescale for marriage and kids but i can’t. I can’t even plan ahead a few months as i can’t guarantee the situation we’ll be in. I guess one day at a time is all we can do, while trying to prepare yourself for whatever the future may bring and lay the foundation for what you want in the future.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 11
Thank you everyone for your responses. I have been reaching out to my support networks and friends, doing some writing and general self-therapy. One thing I have realized on this front is that we are still very early recovery and the focus needs to be one day at a time. The best I can do is spend this important time focusing on honesty with myself and our relationship. I have always prided myself on knowing my heart and who I am very clearly. That is something I have lost a little in this struggle. If I can focus on getting that back, I think the other answers will come more clearly to me...like what consequences am I willing to accept. Thank you!
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