MrJoshua

Just crossed into my 30s and have been feeling the urge to grow up a bit. I started drinking when I was 18 and went off to college. I'm sure that's a pretty common tale.

I never really thought there was a problem (also, probably a pretty common story), but I really started thinking about it over the past year or so.

I drink on occasion socially... but more often then not I'm the guy who picks up a six pack on his way home from work. I never drink and drive.. it's one of my personal pet peeves. My wife has a couple of glasses of wine each night, but especially over the past year we have been fighting frequently.

Since I get home from work late, she's typically in bed when I get home. I'd usually drink my beer while catching up on tivo then go to sleep. Football season yields a whole saturday and sunday of 12+ budlights per day. I never had a problem with aggression or demeanor aside from the occasional foot in the mouth comment. However, the arguments with my wife had been comming on more and more frequently in the past year. I'm willing to give her a fair and honest shake in the situation and say it could very well be me (afterall... I AM drunk at the time). However, from my perspective she was always trying to pick a fight with me. It came to the point where I'd have a conversation with her the day before that would say... friends are coming over... there will be beer... there will be football... can you please just try not to fight?

I didn't drink for a day or two and noticed that she was a little crankier after a few drinks, but being sober I easily deflect or deal with it. So, my suspicion is that when she's been drinking she's a little cranky... and when I'm drinking... I don't want to deal with her being cranky so I speak my mind (which I'm sure I don't do when I'm sober). Utimately, there's a battle because I choose not to give ground.

Regardless, the relationship wasn't healthy the way it was going.

I stopped drinking new years eve... so we're on day 18 now. I've gone completely dry for 9 months during my longest streak. I was thinking about going a full year this time.... and see how I feel.

it's not really a battle for me. People came over to watch the rose bowl on New Years day and left about 40 beers in my fridge, which I've just let my wife work through over the past few weeks. I do kinda feel like I'm missing out. I like watching football and having beer. The NFL playoffs kinda bummed me out a bit because I was just tossing back diet cokes. I know I'll miss watching my tivod sitcoms with a six pack before bed... but I feel thats a very small price for an improved relationship with my wife. We haven't had any fights this year (knock on wood)

I have a feeling that most people are quick to slap a label on me as alcoholic because I drank with frequency alone.

I've scoured the internet looking for a good definition of what makes someone an alcoholic.

Do I need to drink to have a good time? no
Do people get hurt or mad when I drink? yes (my wife)... but not when I drink alone
Do you drink alone? yes
Do you blackout? No... aside from once in a blue moon if a long lost buddy is in town and we push it a bit too far
Do I drink until I'm sick? No... I think my bachelor party was the last time that happened... and some time in college before that
Do I drink during the day? Yes, football starts at 9am during college season
Do I have more that a drink per evening? yes, a six pack of budlight and a few sitcoms and I'm feeling pretty good.
Do I drink and drive? no
ever missed a day of work due to alcohol? nope
ever go to work after drinking? nope
Do I feel compelled to drink? no.. it's a football/sitcom enhancer for me

I just don't know...
Would you classify me as an alcoholic? What's the difference between an alcoholic and someone who just likes to drink?

if you can give me some guidance, I'd appreciate it.

thanks

intention

Hi Joshua and welcome.

To me the question to ask is - Do you have problems controlling or stopping drinking

You say you have been sober for 18 days and you are going to try a year. Well lets imagine you have been sober for a year (I would guess you can do it), what you are going to do then? You will start drinking again and all the same crap will happen again and this time it will be worse.

All you will have proved to yourself is that you can give up for a period of time. I would guess most, if not all, of us alcoholics have done that.


Ask yourself why you feel compelled to give up anyway? The reasons for that are the real issue here.

MrJoshua

No

I just kinda set a time line to gain some perspective. I do well with setting/achieving goals as I've trained for many athletic events before. I'm not sure if it will be worse, or if it will just kind of fade away as a passtime that I used to do.




It just kinda seems childish/irresponsible to me. That's not the personal perception I hold for myself and so I'm trying to phase out the behaviors to create less mental conflict and hopefully I'll be able to grow as a person.

The wife and I are seriously considering having children shortly and I don't want to be the dad that has a six pack each night and gets drunk watching football. I remember those parents growing up (not mine.. but friends' parents) and I didn't respect them.

I've, also, taken up martial arts recently. I enjoy the activity as well as the mindset. I'd like to see that improve even more over the next year... don't think beer is going to help with that.

I'm, also, looking at a possible career change to something much more physical than what I currently do... again, beer doesn't seem like it will do me any good.

Instead of drinking, I've been reading in the evenings. I like it, but it's not the same. Although, I wonder if that's just the initial pattern change and I'll grow to like the books even more as time goes on.

So.. I don't know if it's a good "reason" but as I was turning 30 I saw where I was and how I wasn't growing as a person and thought it would be fun to start pushing myself more... I'm just better than what I've been giving the world. I hope that doesn't make me sound like I'm too high and mighty. I just know I can do better than what I've been doing up to this point.

Thanks again

sunset2000

I think that anyone who consciously thinks about how many days they've been without a drink, has issues. You may not be a full blown alkie, but perhaps your drinking habits just aren't working for you. If you have trouble imagining your life without drinking then you probably shouldn't be drinking, IMHO. It sounds like your wife might have some alcohol dependency issues of her own. Many also seem to believe that by simply coming to a site like this, something inside is telling you it's a big concern.

I've heard many others say that there are many shades of drinking problems. But what I hear most often, that I relate to the most, is that if you find you drink more than you plan to, can't control how much you drink, or bad things start happening because of your drinking, then you should probably eliminate it from your life.

However, it seems that most people can't stop during this stage because they feel they still have some sort of control over it. It seems for most, it happens many years later when denial leads them to progressively bottom out.

If you can get a hold of it now, that would be great, but it sounds like you still want to drink. So I hope it works out for you one way or the other before things get worse.

Safira

This is pretty much where I was when I quit drinking. I found it to be relatively simple to quit, too. It wasn't THAT easy, but, compared to some of the other people I met in a few AA meetings...I really didn't have it rough at all.

I just missed drinking socially. But I realized, after quitting drinking, that it is INSANE to drink every night, or even once a week! You're actually doing a lot of drinking right now. Even though it may not be frat-boy-wet-himself-on-the-sidewalk drinking, you're drinking heavily and consistently enough that you should think twice before taking aspirin for a headache.

I quit for a long time. It was fun. I felt the rush of all kinds of happy hormones reentering my system. These were hormones I hadn't felt in years! Life was sooo much better when I wasn't drinking.

Then I started drinking again, recently. I just joined this forum today. I want to quit again...and it's not going to be easy for me, given that the Superbowl looms before us!

MrJoshua

[QUOTE=sunset2000;2490120]I think that anyone who consciously thinks about how many days they've been without a drink, has issues. QUOTE]

Not really consciously keeping track.. it just coincides with new years day. I, also, mentioned it because everyone announced how long it had been in each of the few threads I glanced at here before posting.

I'm sure I'll think about it though. I track my food & workouts daily along with my income, mileage, and expenses. I'm a spreadsheet/statistics kinda guy.

sunset2000

I see. LOL Makes sense. :-)

I guess all I was trying to say that things will either get better, or they'll get worse. Just be prepared either way, right?

Dee74

Welcome to SR Mr Joshua - you'll find a lot of support here

I'll go along with others here and say I don't think it matters so much what you call it so long as you do something about it.

I found I needed to do more than just not drinking to stay sober tho - drinking was my accompaniment to everything, so I had to relearn how to do a lot of things without a beer.

I also had to look into myself a good deal. I needed to try and work out why I was drinking and what exactly I was using alcohol for.

Sounds like you're kinda on that track anyway, so good luck!
Hope to see you around some more

D

jamdls

If not drinking improves your life then to me that's a simple answer don't drink.
I didn't fit the "mold" of "alcoholic" either, I could take it or leave it much of the time and generally did not drink during the week; except once I started drinking I didn't stop until I passed out and over the years it took more and more to knock me out and my personality changed more and more (and not for the better) as I drank. So if you are smart enough to recognize the problems that alcohol is causing then just say no.

littlefish

No one can really tell you if you are an alcoholic. As others have mentioned, you might just be a heavy drinker who wants to cut back. A good place to find the answer to your question is to take some online tests, I think there might be one here on SR.
My husband is not an alcoholic, but he becomes argumentative when he drinks. Despite being the alcoholic in the relationship, I generally didn't like to argue when I drank.

MrJoshua

I just thought I'd follow this up as it's been a few months now.

I haven't had anything to drink in 2010. I only really seemed to care for the first week or so. I've read close to a dozen books and been able to check about a dozen or so things off of my "to do list"

Overall, I seem to have been taking big steps in my general approach and psychology to things. Not that I had a bad approach before (at least by my standards) but I recently entered a line of work that's huge on appearances and networking. It's also a very small/tight community.. and there's a lot of politics. It really requires me to be on my toes mentally. Off handed comments can often get back to who you were talking about and bite you in the ass.

I, also, changed my work schedule from being out after 9 pm 5 nights a week to 3 nights (which requires me working until 12:30 am the days that I am there). That way I'm home 4 nights a week with my wife. I actually get home before she does on the 4 days.

I decided to check back in because of a rough night with my wife last night.

Her grandfather died a couple of weeks ago, so I guess this has built up a bit for her over the past couple weeks. She'd been withdrawing over the past few weeks. And last night she wanted to "talk".

To summarize an unbelievably long conversation... she said that she didn't feel loved so she requires more hugs, cuddling, and affection. I remind her that these aren't my strong suits... and that I'll do my best to make her feel more loved. Tell her I love her and I'll consistently work on improving our relationship.

This is where I screwed up: She's not so good at compromising. In fact, she's downright terrible. She's great at selling herself a line of crap to justify how she's right about something. That doesn't make her any different than most people I know, but it's still frustrating.

I remind her about the schedule changes that I made so that I could devote more time to her and our relationship and told her I'd appreciate it if she wouldn't waste that time on the laptop when we're supposed to be watching a movie together or catching up on TV shows we've missed. I could easily be on the computer, but I've devoted that time to being with her and I'd appreciate the same. I, also, told her that goes for phone calls too. It deflates me that she rarely answers a call from me, yet she'll answer a call in the middle of a dvd have me pause it ... 20 min conversation later get off the phone and tell me how useless the conversation was and how much of a bitch that woman is for calling her in the evening for the organization she volunteers for.

Tried to tell her ... do you know how that makes me feel? My phone calls rank lower than people you hate for an organization that doesn't even pay you. Not only that... but it's worth cashing in my dedicated wife time for you to be pissed off by calls from them.

She tells me that because I work late 3 days a week, she has to fill that time with something because she doesn't like being alone... so she volunteers. (side note - I suggested she could clean the house during that time which didn't go over well either) Along with volunteering on those nights she has to take their phone calls whenever they call. I find that to be a bit of crap. I'm pretty sure the neighborhood council phone calls about stray cats (yes, stray cats) can wait until the following morning.

To make a long story just a bit longer, she says that she thinks we've made great progress. I say, of course that's what you think. You expressed your concerns, I listened and said I'd do my best to accomodate/improve our relationship. You belittled my concerns and feelings, decided you were right, and ultimately offered to change nothing.

In a huff she went off to bed. I went into the kitchen found the empty bottle of wine and then thought it was odd that I only saw her have a glass with dinner... but i saw her open the bottle.

I've been keeping a cautious eye on her personality/drinking habbits while I haven't been drinking. I'm trying not to find fault, but trying to see if there's a link. She's noticably more abbrassive with me when drinking even in social settings, but she seems to be ok to the rest of her friends.

Sight... makes me think she just harbors something against me now. Three months without even so much as a disagreement and I feel like we're starting over.

getr345

Hi and welcome, your story sounds familiar to me except I didn't have any pet peeves about drinking and driving, apart from that I would not drive if I was totally *********. That's some drinkers logic huh? Anyway..the relationship stuff sounds pretty similar to what I was going through too, I had to accept that I was the problem and I was the problem because I was always drinking, drunk and/or under the influence in some way so I decided it would be best for me not to drink anymore. It was killing me and my relationship with my wife and family. Things got a lot calmer in my head, I did a lot of that growing up you referred to and the drama on the domestic front simmered down a lot, nowhere near as much fighting and that is a great thing! Only YOU can determine if you're an alcoholic or not but I don't think you necessarily have to be one for quitting drinking to be the right or appropriate thing to do, again that's up to you but why not give it a try and see where it takes you?

CarolD

Welcome back...

When I quit drinking...and my lover of 5 years
did not.....it completely changed our relationship.

My new lifestyle and goals were completely different
and he peferred the status quo.

Had we been married....or had children to consider
I would have suggested counseling. Instead....
we parted just after my first sober year.

Hope the two of you can find happiness...

MrJoshua

I thought I'd check back in...

After re-reading all of my previous posts, I'm happy to say that I'm in a much better place. My wife and I were really struggling during the first part of last year. I don't know if alcohol was the cause of it, but I can certainly say it didn't help.

Things are a lot better between us. I still find her abbrasive when she drinks... but I don't think she drinks as much as she used to. I don't keep tabs on it, but I'm the guy who takes out the recycling and I don't notice quite so many bottles.

Hopefully things keep progressing the way they have and maybe we'll get back to when we were newly weds.

I switched careers in the middle of last year. There's a lot more networking (aka.. going to bars) involved with what I'm doing now. In August I took my first drink of the year when we were out and someone just handed me a shot. It's funny to be middle aged and get whacked with peer pressure.

August, September, & October I drank 'socially' before I just didn't feel up to that task anymore. We always end up at the same few bars, so I talked to the bartenders and asked if they could poor me NA beers in a glass, and diet cokes in tumblers with a lime wedge. They don't care, I don't drink, and everyone else assumes I'm drinking. I just make sure to go to the bar myself to get my drinks. I hate the bar bill for O'douls, but whatever.

I had the urge to check in because the superbowl is fast approaching. Over the past several months people have given me very nice specialty beers (birthday, holidays n' such), and I'm torn about what to do. For years I made my own beer (which friends always ask when I'm going to make more) and I do enjoy the taste of many of the beers that have been given to me.

It's funny that I'm torn because:

1. I have a several month streak going... and I like streaks
2. I know my wife will drink during the superbowl... and I just hate the idea of the day possibly going bad

Strangely, the streak thing is the most compelling. Is the superbowl & fine expensive beer worth it?

I don't really think my wife and I would have a problem.... I'd give that a 1 out of 20 chance of being even slightly awkward between us on that day. It just lurks in the back of my mind.

Forgot to add that my close friends figured out sometime in April last year that I wasn't drinking anymore and got together and had an intervention with me to figure out what the deal was. I told them that I wanted to be in better shape...blah, blah, blah. But they were disappointed that I had given up on beer. I think they believe it was just a phase because I can stock a bar with what I was given for my birthday.

Anyways, I hope things are going well for others and I'll continue to stop by from time to time

BurningChrome

Hello MJ, Have you ever considered the notion that not drinking a slow poison that takes everything and gives nothing, is a _Gift_! You are most certainly _not_ depriving yourself of anything good in life, on the contrary, you'll be living life as it was intended to be lived. So long as ones worldview is that they are "depriving" themselves of something, alcohol will be greatly missed and craved. If you can change your mindset to the opposite and realize that by not drinking, you are giving yourself the greatest gift. Just a thought. Hang in there... Mike

Dee74

Welcome back Mr Joshua

Your post reminded me that for a lot of years what my friends thought of me was more important than what I thought of myself.

Which 'life' do you prefer? Drinking or not drinking?

D

MrJoshua

I very much enjoy the 'not drinking' life, but about every 3 or 4 months I want to get away from life/take some kind of a break. I haven't really found a way to get over that hump. Not as a way of 'dealing with my problems' but just more of a vacation. A weekend of watching football and having beer used to do the trick. Not sloppy drunk/passing out... just having some beer and watching games... or a season of sitcoms in the off season.

I'm kinda there right now, probably because the holidays all the way through now have just really seemed like a marathon. I'm mentally pretty tired.

I still have two weeks to figure out what I'm going to do for the superbowl. If someone has some uber refreshing/meditation/whatever trick they've learned, please feel free to share.

In general, I absolutely don't feel like I'm depriving myself by not drinking. I'd be lying if I said I felt like that 100% of the time.

I don't believe I'm an alcoholic, but I do believe I was acting irresponsibly with the amount I was consuming previously. As I've severly cut back on my drinking over the past year, I've started reflecting on alcohol as something more like eating an entire pizza.

If drinking a 6 pack was like eating an entire pizza... and someone asked me if I'd be willing to eat an entire pizza every day, I'd say no way. Pizza is good... I love pizza, but I'm way too health conscious. Even a slice of pizza everyday is just too much. Do I feel like I'm depriving myself by not eating pizza... nope. But ya know what, every now and then I want to sit down and eat a pizza. But the next day, I'm back to working out, chicken breasts, and power bars.

The oddest thing in my journey so far was when I got some bad work/financial news... I didn't want to drink alcohol, but I did really want soda (I used to drink 12 plus cans of diet soda/day... which I also gave up for several months last year then came back to moderately). That craving, I did indulge

So... yeah.. clear your mind/breathing/relaxation techniques... if you have something, please share!

reggiewayne

Welcome Joshua! Glad you are here. I was where you are when I was 30. For me, 30 was the jumping off point. I'm not exactly sure when or why but from 30 to 35 when my drinking progressed very far. I went from drinking 5 to 9 beers in an evening to drinking close to a fifth of whiskey at times. My number of days drinking also progressed. I went from drinking 2 to 3 times to 3 to 4 times. So, I was drinking more per sitting and drinking more often = progression = alcoholism...

Like many have said, only you can really determine if you're an alcoholic. I know there are different stages of alcoholism as well. My only opinion on the matter is if you think you might have a problem, you probably do. Normally our "gut" isn't wrong about these matters. Again, I'm not saying you are and you're not saying you are, but asking the question might be sign.

My sponsor told me many times, if you want to see if you're an alcoholic try some controlled drinking for a few weeks. Never have more than 2 units of alcohol at a sitting. Try that for two weeks and see if it's hard to stop after the 2 beers.

I wish you the best of luck. If you do decide you want / need help we'll all be here for you!

MrJoshua

Figured I'd pop back in and jot down a few notes.

So, my wife had to go out for the day two weeks before the superbowl... during the NFC & AFC championship games. So, I had 3 of the specialty beers in my fridge. For some reason I felt pretty stupid. Enjoyed the taste... didn't care for the sensation. My stress level has dropped since then, but I can't attribute it to the 3 beers.

I ordered a pizza... ate the whole thing

I've been back on the wagon since then.

silly

Thanks for keeping us updated. I enjoy reading your posts