No contact, Experiences?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Texas
Posts: 341
No contact, Experiences?
I am seeing the need to go no contact since I made my AH leave our house and property.
This is what I have decided:
There will be NO discussions about us or his addiction unless he goes to, checks in, and COMPLETES rehab and shows a true effort that he is going to stay clean. And even then I don't know, too much damage has been done. I'm not sure at this time that I would even want to try again, I just don't think I have it in me. And since I am very doubtful he will even get clean that option is prob not going to happen.
I will only talk to him about issues concerning our son or the property, if the conversation turns another way I will terminate it.
What are your experiences with going no contact?
Just don't want to get myself in a situation that will lead to unhealthy consequences.
Thanks,
Teggie
This is what I have decided:
There will be NO discussions about us or his addiction unless he goes to, checks in, and COMPLETES rehab and shows a true effort that he is going to stay clean. And even then I don't know, too much damage has been done. I'm not sure at this time that I would even want to try again, I just don't think I have it in me. And since I am very doubtful he will even get clean that option is prob not going to happen.
I will only talk to him about issues concerning our son or the property, if the conversation turns another way I will terminate it.
What are your experiences with going no contact?
Just don't want to get myself in a situation that will lead to unhealthy consequences.
Thanks,
Teggie
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: my own little world
Posts: 9,071
In my experience theres always some excuse, some reason to adjust change ect. Completely no contact not even about child (if theres someone that can relay things this would be very healthy)
Just keep in mind if you give an inch they'll try to take a mile
Just keep in mind if you give an inch they'll try to take a mile
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
My limited experience with this is that it made me feel like I was taking back my power.
My vicarious experience (reading on this board) is that it is very difficult, yet effective and sanity-saving.
Good luck
My vicarious experience (reading on this board) is that it is very difficult, yet effective and sanity-saving.
Good luck
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Victoria, BC
Posts: 51
Good Luck Teggie. I'll be following on how you're doing. I'm probably going to have to break all contact but my AH just left yesterday. We don't have kids together, so it should be easier. I wish I could remain friends with my AH, but I know that it would just lead to his addiction making me sicker.
work in progress
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
Posts: 623
What are your experiences with going no contact?
I have been posting my "detoxing from the A in my life" experiences as I go along. I am on day 19 of not having him here in the house.
I can tell you that I have been spending every minute working on ME.
It has been challenging, powerful, eye opening, freeing, sad, scary, wonderful, and every other emotion coupled with the exact conflicting emotion.
But I have had enough...and am ready to heal. And am working the steps just for me.
It helps to go it "one day at a time"...sometimes one hour or one minute at a time, but you feel the "pull" less and less every day.
I can tell you on the days we have had contact, I felt myself feeling "unhealthy" towards myself and know that I am not quite strong enough and detached enough to have any contact...so I think it's been the best route to take.
You can do it when you really want to do it....
It's a journey...but it's a path laid out by you and no one else. And we will be here holding your hand as you go along your own way.
I have been posting my "detoxing from the A in my life" experiences as I go along. I am on day 19 of not having him here in the house.
I can tell you that I have been spending every minute working on ME.
It has been challenging, powerful, eye opening, freeing, sad, scary, wonderful, and every other emotion coupled with the exact conflicting emotion.
But I have had enough...and am ready to heal. And am working the steps just for me.
It helps to go it "one day at a time"...sometimes one hour or one minute at a time, but you feel the "pull" less and less every day.
I can tell you on the days we have had contact, I felt myself feeling "unhealthy" towards myself and know that I am not quite strong enough and detached enough to have any contact...so I think it's been the best route to take.
You can do it when you really want to do it....
It's a journey...but it's a path laid out by you and no one else. And we will be here holding your hand as you go along your own way.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 325
I had to remove myself entirely.
Almost like an addict who needs to remove themselves from unhealthy people and situations, before they can see, how crazy it was.. and they were.
I now look back at my past, what was normal to me. It just is not anymore.
I think I got confused with *acceptance* and acceptable!!
But my experience is this- and this is just me.
No contact was the best thing I did. For those I love and care about, and myself!
Almost like an addict who needs to remove themselves from unhealthy people and situations, before they can see, how crazy it was.. and they were.
I now look back at my past, what was normal to me. It just is not anymore.
I think I got confused with *acceptance* and acceptable!!
But my experience is this- and this is just me.
No contact was the best thing I did. For those I love and care about, and myself!
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
limited contact didn't work for me, i was not strong enough for a long while, to resist caving in to my ah and his manipulation. i like was cindi said, give an inch, they'll try to take a mile.
i think maybe take it one day at a time and do what is best for you. if/when it gets to where n/c is best, you'll know. you are in my prayers.
i think maybe take it one day at a time and do what is best for you. if/when it gets to where n/c is best, you'll know. you are in my prayers.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Texas
Posts: 341
Thanks everybody,
I'm going to try limited business/child contact only and see how it goes one day at a time.
He has alot of stuff out back in that shop, so I know I am going to have to allow him access to remove it as much as it pisses me off for him to even be back there let alone with friends.
Today he and two of his scuzzy friends were back there loading old lawnmowers and he was trying to get his old 69 (belongs in the junkyard pos) truck to start. Since insurance has settled on his truck and the rental goes back in the am he's fixing to be hot footing it.
He came to the door and asked me for the insurances number because he needed to see if he could get more days on the rental.
I said no, the truck has been settled on & the insurance has already stated to turn the rental in Tuesday. I told him I've already put in to remove him from my insurance so the only option is turn it in. Then I shut the door in his face.
Funny he didn't look stoned, but then again he's prob doesn't have any. Or maybye me & the kids have all along been triggers for him to use. So far he hasn't tried any relationship talk. Good thing for him because he really doesn't want to know how I feel.
But I do need to think about setting a timeframe for him to remove that massive amount of crap back there and tell him that at the end of that time I'm hiring the junk man to come and haul it all away and he will not have access to the shop after that time.
Not my problem anymore. Face the consequences & go tell your pills about it.
Guess I need to work on my anger issues eh? Going to Alanon tonight, I need it.
Hugs,
Teggie
I'm going to try limited business/child contact only and see how it goes one day at a time.
He has alot of stuff out back in that shop, so I know I am going to have to allow him access to remove it as much as it pisses me off for him to even be back there let alone with friends.
Today he and two of his scuzzy friends were back there loading old lawnmowers and he was trying to get his old 69 (belongs in the junkyard pos) truck to start. Since insurance has settled on his truck and the rental goes back in the am he's fixing to be hot footing it.
He came to the door and asked me for the insurances number because he needed to see if he could get more days on the rental.
I said no, the truck has been settled on & the insurance has already stated to turn the rental in Tuesday. I told him I've already put in to remove him from my insurance so the only option is turn it in. Then I shut the door in his face.
Funny he didn't look stoned, but then again he's prob doesn't have any. Or maybye me & the kids have all along been triggers for him to use. So far he hasn't tried any relationship talk. Good thing for him because he really doesn't want to know how I feel.
But I do need to think about setting a timeframe for him to remove that massive amount of crap back there and tell him that at the end of that time I'm hiring the junk man to come and haul it all away and he will not have access to the shop after that time.
Not my problem anymore. Face the consequences & go tell your pills about it.
Guess I need to work on my anger issues eh? Going to Alanon tonight, I need it.
Hugs,
Teggie
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: midwest
Posts: 44
I kicked out my AH and I have 2 little ones. I guess I still rely on him still to be the man and make sure certain things are in order - such as my car broke down now and need his car but of course - I know if I ask for help hes not going to snap out of it and help - I am just fooling myself ! I am screwed .I have only made it since last night on my no contact. I guess I am taking it hour by hour- IT SUCKS! I am wondering why every other wife does in this situation when all your stuff tied together...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Texas
Posts: 341
Mrsck,
I'm sorry about your predicament. I know all too well the frustration. They make the messes and we are the ones to do all the cleanup & raise the kids. Do you have family or friends to help till your car is fixed?
I know how you don't want to call him for help. I ran into that, had to call him because I was in a blizzard and stuck, he magically quit the pills and was going to work recovery. I was stupid to beleive his words and not wait for his actions, yah he stayed clean for two weeks then relapsed & so out he went on his arse again. Turns out he was only clean because he had no access to any.
Now, if I have to contact him over something like a car issue like you, I would keep it strictly business and if the conversation turned to him I'd terminate it. Our higher powers seem to make availible a way to work it out if we only listen.
Hugs,
Teggie
I'm sorry about your predicament. I know all too well the frustration. They make the messes and we are the ones to do all the cleanup & raise the kids. Do you have family or friends to help till your car is fixed?
I know how you don't want to call him for help. I ran into that, had to call him because I was in a blizzard and stuck, he magically quit the pills and was going to work recovery. I was stupid to beleive his words and not wait for his actions, yah he stayed clean for two weeks then relapsed & so out he went on his arse again. Turns out he was only clean because he had no access to any.
Now, if I have to contact him over something like a car issue like you, I would keep it strictly business and if the conversation turned to him I'd terminate it. Our higher powers seem to make availible a way to work it out if we only listen.
Hugs,
Teggie
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
I did no contact similar to sofacat....I considered it the same as a sobriety count. Each day I came on ....day 1 no contact, day 2 no contact...the accountability and my pride helped me be stubborn. By day 30, my head had cleared so much, I didn't need to count anymore.
Now just over a year ago my H and I split up (not same man as above)...he left and he left me with all the mess and packing.I couldn't afford to stay there. He was 5 hours away. I sent him an email and told him that tomorrow I was going to take all tools and etc and just pile them in the truck and go give them to my favorite flea market lady...somehow he managed to get an immediate ride back and get it all out of the truck I was taking. He knew I would have done it. I didn't have the time nor inclination to sort out his junk.
In your case I suggest you send it snail mail, the kind where he has to sign for it and you get a receipt. Give him two weeks to get it. If he doesn't sell it, even if you have to sell it to a scrapyard......games be gone!
I would probably do the same with visitation ...snail mail with signatures and return receipts.
In the long run, going cold turkey no contact turns out to be the easiest route.
my 2 cents,
Live
Now just over a year ago my H and I split up (not same man as above)...he left and he left me with all the mess and packing.I couldn't afford to stay there. He was 5 hours away. I sent him an email and told him that tomorrow I was going to take all tools and etc and just pile them in the truck and go give them to my favorite flea market lady...somehow he managed to get an immediate ride back and get it all out of the truck I was taking. He knew I would have done it. I didn't have the time nor inclination to sort out his junk.
In your case I suggest you send it snail mail, the kind where he has to sign for it and you get a receipt. Give him two weeks to get it. If he doesn't sell it, even if you have to sell it to a scrapyard......games be gone!
I would probably do the same with visitation ...snail mail with signatures and return receipts.
In the long run, going cold turkey no contact turns out to be the easiest route.
my 2 cents,
Live
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Texas
Posts: 341
You and the children are NOT triggers, get that out of your head, that's victim thinking
Thank you for sharing. It's looking clearer to me this morning. I don't think I'll have any real peace until that crap is gone and he has no further reason to be over here.
Hugs Teggie
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
going cold turkey when there is a child involved is tough. i struggle around this because occasionally my sons father calls to talk to his son and it means alot to my little boy. Someone one here gave me really good advice regarding phone calls -
Hand the phone directly to the child when you answer. Don't say hello or give him any opportunity to talk/lie to you. hang the phone up directly when the child is done talking. Don't say goodbye or give him any opportunity to quack in your ear.
Hand the phone directly to the child when you answer. Don't say hello or give him any opportunity to talk/lie to you. hang the phone up directly when the child is done talking. Don't say goodbye or give him any opportunity to quack in your ear.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Chaos, USA
Posts: 52
My AH does the "no contact" thing with me when he is using. So giving him the "no contact" isn't hard, to me it is just payback. Just remember all the drama he has put you through and how he isn't there when you need him and it will be easier to avoid contact with him. Stay strong.
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