Tools i'm using for dealing with exah
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 52
Tools i'm using for dealing with exah
Thought this list might help others. I have been repeating these to myself for about a week and it's helping me not to get into arguments and instead focus on the conversations that are directly related to our children. However I'm still struggling to not let the condescending words, arrogance and accusations get me down. So I keep trying.
Don't justify.
Don't explain.
Don't defend.
Don't counter attack.
By focusing on these four ideas I'm realizing that it leaves no available answer for most of what he says. So I just ignore those messages. Don't know if this will continue working but it is for today.
Don't justify.
Don't explain.
Don't defend.
Don't counter attack.
By focusing on these four ideas I'm realizing that it leaves no available answer for most of what he says. So I just ignore those messages. Don't know if this will continue working but it is for today.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Looks like a good list to me.
It looks good because it give you time to take pause and think about how important it is, and if you want to discuss it calmly.
It's good because however you respond will reflect your well thought out views and will not be a "reaction" to his.
Anything that allows us to take pause, stop knee-jerking, and step back from "reacting" has to be good.
I often say, an argument isn't an argument until I make the choice to join in. Prior to that it's just noise in the wind.
Hugs
It looks good because it give you time to take pause and think about how important it is, and if you want to discuss it calmly.
It's good because however you respond will reflect your well thought out views and will not be a "reaction" to his.
Anything that allows us to take pause, stop knee-jerking, and step back from "reacting" has to be good.
I often say, an argument isn't an argument until I make the choice to join in. Prior to that it's just noise in the wind.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: my own little world
Posts: 9,071
Great tools. I struggle with the condescending words as well. That an manipulation, until I realize that is what it is.
Dont justify or explain are two very biggies. I always thought I needed to explain my no, which usually had it switched to a yes. These days I dont answer or leave it at no. i finally (took me long enough) realized the condescending mean words only happen when I go with how I feel or what I want and people dont drop at my estranges AH call. Realizing that helped me gain power over my life. Theres days or hours I still falter emotionally but Im geting there
Dont justify or explain are two very biggies. I always thought I needed to explain my no, which usually had it switched to a yes. These days I dont answer or leave it at no. i finally (took me long enough) realized the condescending mean words only happen when I go with how I feel or what I want and people dont drop at my estranges AH call. Realizing that helped me gain power over my life. Theres days or hours I still falter emotionally but Im geting there
work in progress
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
Posts: 623
I always thought I needed to explain my no, which usually had it switched to a yes.
It is funny this came up-
A few days ago a client of mine told me her daughter (who is also a client) wants to use me as a job reference.
Now, I know this client is using drugs. She one-posts it on FB and two-comes in with one eye practically closed.
So, I simply said to her mother- "I don't give references for people I have no work history with, it's a personal policy of mine." I did proceed to give her advice on workplaces I know she has worked for. (codie alert!)
Now, I was proud as he!! for being able to say that and not feel guilty about it. I even said it without a "tone". It was a first for me...but now that I am reading this, I guess I did explain myself with my answer and tried to fix it afterward.....huh....
Must work on this....baby steps.
It is funny this came up-
A few days ago a client of mine told me her daughter (who is also a client) wants to use me as a job reference.
Now, I know this client is using drugs. She one-posts it on FB and two-comes in with one eye practically closed.
So, I simply said to her mother- "I don't give references for people I have no work history with, it's a personal policy of mine." I did proceed to give her advice on workplaces I know she has worked for. (codie alert!)
Now, I was proud as he!! for being able to say that and not feel guilty about it. I even said it without a "tone". It was a first for me...but now that I am reading this, I guess I did explain myself with my answer and tried to fix it afterward.....huh....
Must work on this....baby steps.
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