Control in Relationships

Old 01-18-2010, 05:55 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
MissFixit's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Control in Relationships

A recent thread caused me to think about something that I have repeatedly done in relationships. Place the "control" or power in the hands of the other party.

I reacted to my SO's desires and moods, which determined our relationship status. Although I tried to control/manipulate my exA's mood, happiness, emotions, I reacted to him and never really exisited much outside of him. My boyfriend before the alcoholic also had control of our relaitonship. I gave it to him. I don't know why other than I was scared to make a mistake. I didn't want the responsibility and headache of making decisions. In work I am uber-controlling and very decisive. Why then in personal relationships am I so weak?

My family of origin is broken and both parents are extremely self-absorbed, ego-centric and arrogant. I was never good enough growing up. All my choices were criticized. To this day both parents still act this way to me. As a result I have distanced myself from time to time including recently. There is massive guilt for this and I know (they tell other people) that I am ungrateful and selfish to not engage them. I have actually tried talking with them about some of this, but each one finds fault with me...big surprise.

My reason for this thread is to bring attention to what we allow in our lives. For too long many of us have believed (I did) that we had to take whatever other people shoveled our direction. No matter who the person was. Love is the most frequent reason (at least for me) I used to excuse being treated poorly. In hindsight I wish that I would have stated and then acted upon MY truth, boundaries and desires. As and adult I have become pretty good at staing these things, but horrible about following through and acting upon them.

This is just something I wanted to share. I would be interested in hearing about anyone else's experiences and thoughts on this.
MissFixit is offline  
Old 01-18-2010, 06:00 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
my counselor had me write a letter many years ago stating my parent's demeaning, diminishment and etc and etc and state a boundary that I was going to see them unless this changed....so I went no contact for awhile...I have often had to be quick with my boundaries with them, but speaking up has gotten easy for me now....decades of practice.

The other issue, yeah, I have trouble with this one...I was reading old journals last night about how I am and what I do when I am single....and want to get myself back and I know he would appreciate that too!
Live is offline  
Old 01-18-2010, 06:58 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Recovering Codependant
 
Lilyflower's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
I have recently come to understand this type of behaviour as abusive. My parents sound very similar to yours. I spent a long time thinking it was me, that I just needed to explain myself better, I was too confrontational and on and on.

I listened to their criticism of me and believed it. Thinking I was fundamentally wrong I have taken counselling and read a lot of self help books, done journalling, etc.

Whilst learning better ways to 'be', I learnt that the examples of unhealthy behaviour described my parents communication skills rather than my own, and that infact, to accuse, be judgemental etc are verbal abusiveness. To disregard my pain and continue to tell me 'there is something wrong with you' is emotional abusiveness.

My parents both grew up as ACOA. They have not admitted to that, nor spent anytime reflecting how that has shaped them as adults. I know they feel affection toward me, but their behaviour toward me is not love. They may believe it is, but love is not critical or judgemental or blaming.

My attempts at trying to explain why they hurt me with their words falls on deaf ears as they cannot comprehend there is anything wrong in what they say and do, that would require a leap in self-awareness; they have spent too long a time hiding from and denying their pasts. I cannot awaken them to their behaviour just as I cannot help an addict.

I have enforced boundaries with my parents too. The last time I did, I had to take the next step in severity.

Basically my boundary had been that if I felt verbally/emotionally abused I would say that I didn't want to be spoken to in that way. So when my mum started telling me how much she believed people in my life didn't like me, I stood my ground and told her I didn't believe it was her place to tell me so, based on her beliefs and that if anyone has an issue with me they can raise it with me directly.

To this she started telling me that no one would approach me because they are afraid of hurting my feelings, so again I told her that even if that is true, it doesn't mean it falls to her to say on their behalf.

My mum threw a fit that I was being 'hard faced' (bold and cheeky, basically speaking out of turn) and told me to get out of her house. My dad backed her up and told me that there is something wrong with me and I need help.

As much as the term is uncomfortable to me, I am coming to terms with the fact that my parents are abusers. Living in their house for the first 18 years of my life taught me to accept abuse. I was bullied at school and entered a chain of abusive relationships.

When I was punched by my exabf and found the courage to tell my mum, she asked me what had I done to him; as if some behaviour of mine justified his action to hit me.

They are ill. My new boundary is that I don't spend any time in their house. I have spoken to my daughter who is 11 nearly 12 to explain what happens that is not healthy for me or her and how it is wrong. She still wants to spend time there and so I support her in that, although her visits have reduced to 5 times a week to 2. So I literally go to collect her and leave.

It is not ideal and at first was painful to me to distance myself from them, but I know that if I did not I would be opening myself to abuse and I am not allowing that to happen to me. I hope that my daughter has the benefit of my experience and her own strength to make necessary decisions for herself. She is more aware than I was at her age and i have witnessed her stand up for herself to them. They seem to accept it more so from her than me. Probably because she has always done so and they accept it as who she is; whereas I have only recently started to and they see that as a sign of my defiance.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Lilyflower is offline  
Old 01-18-2010, 07:31 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Curled up in a good book...
 
bookwyrm's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
I have family of origin issues too. I was never 'good enough' no matter what I did. My parents were self absorbed too and my father was an incredibly destructive influence in my life. Recognising where my feelings of self loathing and lack of self worth comes from has helped me start to rebuild myself <insert 10 million dollar man theme tune here>. I listened to them for so many years, though, that I doubt I will ever truly love myself, but I can be OK with myself. And that is a good place for me to be.

I have a much better relationship with my mum. We have both changed and grown. My dad...well, lets just say that, despite not living with an alcoholic any more, I still get to practice my detachment skills on occasion!!
bookwyrm is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 05:02 AM.