Nikntyzmom

I need some advice. As I said in my first post, I freaked out over a week ago and kicked my A out. He is still gone and that is ok for now. I have been reading all the alanon literature I can find as well as went to the first meeting and am going to continue going twice a week.

My problem here is the A and I have talked and agreed that he will come back at the end of this week, so it will have been 2 weeks he has been gone. I have thought hard about this, I really have and I would like to try. I realize very much that things will not be perfect. In spite of the alcoholism, I love him very much. We have much to work on and I would like to try it together, of course with alanon very much a part of it because I realize how important it is to me and I know I may have to detach myself from his behavior in order to make this work. He wanted to come back last weekend, but I told him I wanted him to wait until I could get to a couple of meetings, and let me think some more about what I really want.

I know this may or may not work out, and I can't help but wonder if I am going to create a big problem by letting him back. Another big reason for letting him back is a financial one too.

Am I acting crazy here? Believe me, I am not deluding myself that things are going to be great, I know it will be a struggle.

My question for you is what kind of boundaries do I need to set? He asked me what he could do to make things better for me and I was not sure what to say, other than DUH! Don't drink anymore. Yeah, riiiiiiiiight. Anyway, I know I am the only one who can take care of me right now, I want to be the one to take care of me.

Do I sit down and tell him beforehand, this is what I expect? These are the limits I am setting? Or do I just do what I need to do? I am not sure how to go about this. I am very confused because I don't want things to just go back to him doing whatever he wants and me trying to control and make him do what I want by being a bitch and telling him how stupid he is.

If I sound like I have no idea what is going on, that's good, because I feel like I don't.

Any advice for the big homecoming would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks guys,

Gabe

to talk to him about what works for you and what doesn't work for you in terms of your relationship. If you are taking him back on a "trial basis", I would mention that too. Not as a threat, but in honesty. Tell him you would like to get back together but that you want to re-evalutate things in _______ (fill in the blank with your amount of time, two weeks, a month, etc.) and see how you both feel about things. I would caution you that being financially dependent on an alcoholic can be very risky business, and I speak from experience on this subject. Good luck, I hope it all works out the way you want it to.
Peace,
Gabe

Nikntyzmom

Thanks Gabe,

Those are good suggestions and I am going to follow the one about reevaluating things in a certain amount of time. I know I shouldnt be financially dependent on him and believe me, I hate it. I am a full time student, I went back to school when I was 33, and have six semesters left until I can graduate. Until then, I really need him to pay his half of the bills. I pay my own, but only half. You can imagine that this puts me in a bind sometimes, because once in a while I feel like I HAVE to be with him, which I don't like feeling like. I am trying to work toward being self supporting, but it is going to take me some time. Thanks for your help, I really appreciate it so much. This gives me a good idea of where to start.

Gabe

financial dependence. I think a lot of relationships outlive their usefulness due to the fact that one or both partners can't exist financially on their own. And you can't make up for the loss of that financial support overnight. I really hope that this will all work out for the best.
Try to take it one day at a time. I know that's hard when you are thinking about money issues. Another quote from a good friend of mine: "They said in the Bible that it came to pass. They never that it came to stay."
Hang in there.
Peace,
Gabe