PHIZ007

Well my January deadline is here.......and I am still here also. I am not afraid of being alone as it were....of course I will never be alone with my three beautiful children! well not for anothet ten years maybe when they leave the nest! I think what I am afraid of (still fully trying to work it out) is sorting the finances, leaving the house that we truly love, having designed it together from scratch and having watched each and every brick go up!......I will be here for a while longer as I still have things to work through........I am working really hard on myself although sometimes of course I do slip up!.....In an ideal world I would like it to be him that goes but I am fully aware I may have to go first!
I wanted to ask my many friends at SR how do you cope with the emotional shutdown from your A? During the day my husband is kind, considerate, helpful, caring, compassionate, wants to talk, wants to listen he actually gives a damn if you know what I mean LOL!....but come 6pm (He only drinks at night.....so far and I am thankful for that!!).....but he drinks every single night....pretty much 2 bottles of wine give or take a glass.....every single night 365 days a year! for the last five or so years...can't remember exactly! (I gave up counting a long time ago but he doesn't hide it they are left in the kitchen for all to see! incase you were wondering!)....so you get the picture....anyway he helps me with the kids bath, pjs, etc and then he retreats to the office to his paperwork for the day.....we have our own business so this is required....most nights atleast! However the thing that I really do struggle with is when he comes out of the office and I make a perfectly normal comment or want to talk about the day or the kids or the school or whatever it maybe....he goes on complete and utter shut down (this is of course after several drinks!). When we went to counselling two years ago the therapist suggested that I gave him half an hour when he comes home to do his things and get sorted etc etc before he goes to do the paperwork in the office and then he needed to give me some time to talk about the day' the kids the school whatever - normal stuff!!...This worked for short time but usually when I am trying to talk to him about stuff he is literaly walking out the door to have a smoke, top up a drink whatever....(and I mean literally walking bakwards towards the door whilst "listening" to me!) he is totally unable to stay in my company for longer that 30 seconds to have a conversation and it hurts....it really really hurts.....and toatlly sucks!! when he is not drinking he has time for me. To me he is on complete and utter shutdown emotionally and has been for several years and it is totally unbearable! In the bedroom it is the same........he turns his back on me every single night (not that I could go there at night now with him stinking of stale wine and smoke yuk!!) and again has done for years! belive me our third child was an absolute miricle!! LOL! In the day I get hugs and the odd kiss and he acts as if everything is normal.....but it is far from in my eyes!!
His father is emotionally shutdown too so it is in his genes but I want more that that for myself - he says he loves me and really wants to get healthy.....but continues to drink night after night after night destroying our relationship along the way.
I love my husband very much but I hate what he has become because of his addiction and I hate the loneliness of my marriage - on the outside we look like a perfect family - own business, beautiful house, three adorable kids, but truly his addiction has sucked the life out of our marriage and I feel quite cheated in many ways!! This isnt how I expected our marriage to be atall!
I also do not want to have to drag the kids away from a house they love so much because of his addiction. I have told him I want to seperate as we can't go on like this.....he asked me for more time......that was back in September......three months on he is still doing what he has always done and has seen his therapist twice!......Twice...so clearly he is serious then??!! Sorry this has turned out to be so long and waffley! Once I started typing I couldn't stop!!
I have got fairly good at detaching (although gee thats takes time to get it right doesn't it?!) I am focusing very hard on myself reading lots and educating myself well on this terrible terrible disease, I am actually quite comfortable in myself, I try to be the best mummy I can to my three beautiful babies and I like myself pretty much overall! need to lose a few kilos maybe but other than that I am confortable with myself....I am confident and outgoing but I do miss my husband - the lights are on but no one is home! I do not see us lasting together if he does nothing about his alcoholism....and he knows this.
So in the meantime how do you guys cope with the emotional shut down?......I look forward to hearing your thoughts Phiz

barb dwyer

wow. THAT brought back some memories.
Like being on vacation with #4,
and we had to have all the driving and eating and everything
finished by 6:00.

so he could drink.

I should have let him out of the car in Oregon.

What did I do?

I found other places to be.
I went to friends' houses,
went on outings with the horses
took classes
taught classes ...
got more and more involved with the regional show comittee...

thing was - he didn't even notice.

Not until I'd saved up enough money
and moved my horses someplace secret

and moved out.

CatsPajamas

I didn't deal with it very well. I was so incredibly lonely in my marriage to my boys' dad.... it took time but I realized that my days were pretty darn good and full and happy until he came home ( and drank himself into a stupor every night with his 5 or 6 Tanqueray and tonics...)

It took some time for me to figure out how to leave, and I stayed a good while longer than I probably should have, doing it "for the kids". Ultimately, I did leave that marriage, after I asked him to go to counseling and he declined... and after I realized that my sons were learning how to treat their wives by watching how their dad treated me. It's sad, but I could leave for them easier than I could leave for myself.

I know people who have remained in their marriages to their A... they didn't want to leave the nice house or nice neighborhood or nice schools for their kids. They just lived a full and rich life, separate emotionally from their A when he was drinking. Some people can do that, and some can't. You'll know eventually which path is best for you.

coffeedrinker

I guess I don't know how to best "deal" with it. I did spend many years being very involved with church activities, which fufilled me, gave me new friends and healthier relationships, and I didn't "need" to be immersed in what he was doing/how he was doing.

I think that he maintains during the day and just waits for the time he can drown himself in the solace of the bottle. A lot of addicts have certain controls in place, maybe to make them feel like they're in control, or convince themselves that it's not that bad.

I hope you find peace

blessed4x

I pretty much lived your life, with a few minute details changed......4 kids not 3, beer not wine, garage not office. Mine ended up cheating which was a blessing in disguise because it gave me the oomph to file for divorce. I didn't file to change him. By that point I couldn't stand the thought of being on the same planet with him much less in the same house. He left because I didn't want to uproot the kids from the only house they had known and he did agree to that.

He was a horses behind through the whole process. I didn't think I was going to make it through, but I kept putting one foot in front of the other and coming here for support. Somewhere in all of it he started going to AA. I think initially it was at his attorney's request, but then on his own.

Fast forward and we are remarried with a whole different life than we ever really had....even before the alcoholism progressed. Long story short, I couldn't take the emotional shut down anymore. I don't think most peoples story would turn out the way mine did, and I'm not sure most people would wish for that. I don't recommend divorce in the hopes that anyone will find recovery, because that is fully up to them and it may or may not happen. It was the last thing I ever expected. I believed he would drink himself into oblivion. I think if you take care of you and those babies of yours things will turn out exactly the way they should. You can choose whether or not you want to live with a man who is emotionally and physically unavailable for you. You deserve so much more.

SadButHopeful

Wow, our situations are so similar. 3 kids, own business, and the walking backward while I'm still talking. I love it. Sometimes he'll come into a room, spout something that he wants to share with me and then keep on walking, not giving me a chance to talk. So RUDE :

No advice, just

transformyself

I like the others here, lived this life as well. You are not alone in this struggle.

My MIL, who left my AH's father this summer, once said to me, "at some point when they're drinking, they leave emotionally. It's too lonely."

Someone here has the name 1in10 or something like that because she read that one in 10 women leave their alcoholic husbands.

I don't know the law in Australia, but I would recommend playing hard ball. Go meet with a lawyer. Start the process. You may be able to get him to move out. Don't appear weak or like you're willing to give him "more time," unless you want your life to slowly be sucked out of you before your very eyes. You saw what he did with 4 months of more time. And he will do it with another 4 months or 4 years.

Blessed above has the formula, in my opinion. I also filed for divorce after my AH's affair and we reconciled, briefly. I didn't file to control him, but because I wanted an end to the pain. And when he came home, we focused on his affair, not his drinking. It didn't work out.

I am sorry you're so impacted by his drinking still. There is a better place though. You've already done the reading and started detaching.

To answer your question: how do you deal with the emotional shutdown? My answer is:

I: cried, blamed myself, blamed him, tried drinking with him so he would accept and love me and when the madness got to be too much I left and today I"m happier than ever without him. Truly free. His problems are not mine.

Gold

Hello from a fellow Aussie.
I am living your life too. Mostly beer not wine and yes he friggin stinks too!
In answer to your question. i do not handle it well because it is not what I signed on for.
My AP ,like yours is in denial of a problem and justifies every drink.Its his right, its hot, he works had,he just wants to relax, i dont see what your problem is, just ligten up. If yu weren't so uptight there wouldn't be a problem. Just accept me the way I am . I am not changing....blah blah blah.

It is a slow process realising we dont have to put up with anything. Why should we put up with emotional shut down. thats not a meaningful intimate relationship.
I dont know about you but the cycles of improved behaviour during sober times give me a false sense of hope and I have been hanging in for those. And life is a distraction too as we get busy with "stuff" kids, work, home, friends.
No answers really just some empathy.

PHIZ007

You can choose whether or not you want to live with a man who is emotionally and physically unavailable for you. You deserve so much more

Thank you so much guys for your input. WOW it has given me so so much to think about!
I had never actually put the "emotionally and Physically unavailable" in the one sentence before - don't think I allowed myself to!! But reading it here in black and white (literally!) has really made me think........and cry......and be real and honest to myself about how it really is.

I felt so down this morning......dropped my beautiful girls at daycare as Tuesday is my working day (working from home today though which is great!).....and instead of coming home to clean the house and do the paperwork....i drove into the city....got myself a take out coffee and went to the movies!......I was finding it very hard to hold it all together...I saw "It's Complicated"....which is kind of how I feel at the moment (although Its not really that complicated I know where I am heading.....just struggling a bit to get there right now).......anyway what a lovely movie...I laughed and cried....then cried all the way home and now this afternoon I am feeling so so much better!

I am grieving for a man that is just not there......thank you all for keeping me sane.....and for telling me how it is! Sometimes we just need to read it typed out from someone else....Phiz

GiveLove

Movies (in an actual theatre) are one of the top elements in my GiveLove Magical Mood-Change Toolkit. Especially the ones where you get completely drawn into someone else's life for a little while. It gives us badly needed perspective on things, I think. It lets us know there IS indeed a world, out there beyond the tunnel vision of our pain.

Phiz, take care of yourself.